Auntiedukes Takes Citi Field (Phillies @ Mets 8-26-13)

On Monday night, we took Auntiedukes to her very first Mets game. You might be wondering why we would even bother taking a Yankees fan to their first Mets game or what the significance of this is. Well, back in 2011, we posted a hoax contest for April Fools' Day. The prize was that you'd attend Mets Opening Day with Lisa. All you had to do was send us an essay telling us why we should choose you as Lisa's guest. Unfortunately, among a few other entries, Auntiedukes didn't realize that it was a fake contest. We felt terrible. Not only did we manipulate Serena's family member, but she actually wrote something very sweet and endearing. How could we not take her now? This is what she'd sent us:

"Dear Traveling Baseball Babes
I would like to win this contest ... for several reasons.
1) I have never been to Citi Field (drove past it today!), nor Shea Stadium, come to think of it.
2) I have never been to an Opening Day Game, nor a Met game, come to think of it.
3) I’d like to understand why Lisa loves the Mets (and not the Yankees)
4) I miss hanging with Lisa. Haven't seen her since Paris.
5) And last, but not least, Eats on me!

Auntiedukes <3>

Flash forward to Monday. We finally (only 2 years later) got tickets to a Mets game for Auntiedukes to attend thanks to Lisa's friend Alfredo. We gave Auntiedukes a tour of Citi Field, including the Hall of Fame and bullpen. This was the matchup Auntiedukes would be enjoying that evening:

After watching Wheeler and Lee take their warmups sessions, we escorted Auntiedukes to the hot dog stand near our seats. Lisa topped her doggie with red onions, relish, sauerkraut, jalapenos, and mustard. Serena topped her doggie with red onions, spicy mustard, Choulula, and jalapenos. And Auntiedukes ate her doggie before we could record its toppings...or take a picture. Needless to say, she LOVED her hot dog (we recommended the hot dog as it is our favorite dish from Shea Stadium/Citi Field).

Check out the view Alfredo scored for us. Not bad, eh? Auntiedukes will never be able to see another Mets game again without comparing her seats to these. : )

 

Being that we were in such close proximity to the field, we were surrounded by our fair share of celebrities. Like Rex Ryan.

Well, at least we think it was Rex Ryan. We kept saying, "Rex, sit down," but not once did he acknowledge us. We even tried "Mr. Ryan" to no avail. We also enjoyed the view of a couple fondling each other and staring into each other's eyes like Scarlett O'Hara and Rhett Butler. We have no problems with sexual activity, but don't stand up and block home plate while doing it. The rest of us would like to watch the game. And also, there was nothing appealing about this man, but she was genuinely smitten with him. She stared at him like he was the cat's meow. It was baffling. We've thought about it. Long and hard. We reminisced about ex-lovers, boyfriends, and even men that's we've met along the way and we cane to the conclusion that we've never gazed upon a man in that manner. It was the type of gaze that is reserved for when George Clooney looks at you and your knees buckle. We assure you that this man was no George Clooney. He wasn't even George Clooney's less attractive younger brother (ya know...like in the Baldwin family).

Matt Harvey and TOWSNBN did make brief appearances in the dugout. Lisa pissed her pants.

 

There are a lot of these photos in existence. All from the same angle. All of the same thing. Most are of the back of his head. This is basically when note taking of the game stopped.

This was our first time getting to see D'Frenchman in action!

Serena had an amazing design for a custom t-shirt for Lisa's birthday, but she couldn't find anyone to help her design/create it. Imagine: D'Arnaud's face with a French moustache and a long cigarette. He's wearing a beret. The back of the shirt looks like his jersey, only instead of his last name, it says, "D'Frenchman." We might slap the French flag somewhere on there, but we haven't made any concrete decisions on that subject yet.

While we enjoyed ourselves immensely, the Mets struggled a bit. They simply couldn't scratch more than 1 run across against Lee and the Phillies' bullpen. It also began to rain. Behind us, we heard the following conversation during a conference on the mound between D'Arnaud and Pedro Feliciano:
"Oh, this should be interesting. How do you think this conversation's gonna go? We've got a French-Canadian/American and a Dominican."
and:
"Can we hurry this along? It's raining and I've got to home for a Seinfeld rerun."

Also, we heard someone in front of us refer to D'Arnaud as "D'Frenchman." Either we're becoming more famous or as usual, someone is stealing our shit. Just in case, you heard of our t-shirt design here first.

Despite these setbacks, Auntiedukes enjoyed herself! She said that Citi Field reminded her of the Baseball Hall of Fame, "but if only the Mets' playing could match the stadium." She mentioned the low energy of the fans during the game. We agreed. For a Phillies/Mets matchup, there was no pizazz. Granted, both teams have struggled this year and it WAS a Monday night, but we were still surprised. We'd never been to such a flat Phillies/Mets matchup.

After Auntiedukes left us for the subway, we snapped a few last minute photos of us with the stadium at night. In retrospect, we should've snapped photos of the Citi Field rookie, but we're a-holes.

 

PS - AJ Burnett finally dropped off Winkie and now this is the bullshit we have to deal with while blogging. So now we're combating ADD and cats.

Our Dearest Timmy

We discussed our own version of a New York Old Timer’s Team last week. It’s quite clear that we’d have the most legendary nursing home ever to grace the planet Earth. And we’d be the nurses in charge, meaning we wouldn’t have to change any bed pans. In the spirit of that blog post, we asked if you’d be down for an Old Timer’s Day if your team doesn’t already have one. Surprisingly, no one voted for, “I hate old people. Senior citizens belong in the nursing home.” We’re shocked because you guys tend to vote for the a-hole choices and that was definitely the a-hole choice available to you. 4 of you chose, “Yes! It’s bad ass and they’d probably give me a better game than the young pricks I watch now.” This is most definitely true. Listening to Paul O’Neil run around the field with a mic on was infinitely more entertaining than watching Alex Rodriguez do nothing at the plate and continue to frustrate Serena’s fantasy offense numbers. Selfish penal implant that he is. There are fantasy team owners counting on him! Doesn’t he care???


Onto more important matters. What is the malfunction with Tim Lincecum these days? He has a win-loss record of 3-10 and his ERA is 6.42! WTF? Meanwhile, in Pittsburgh, AJ F*CKING Burnett has a record of 10-2 and his ERA is 3.68. It’s like Hell has frozen over and any day now, we’re going to see pigs flying. There’s only one thing that can be done to right this Titanic of a situation and that is to write a letter. It’s come to our attention that our letters may quite possibly have magical powers.  Observe: Daniel Murphy had a f*cked up moustache and was suffering from a major slump at the plate. We wrote a letter. The offensive stache is gone and now Murphy’s hitting again. AJ Burnett was a giant asstastic f*ck up in Pinstripes, but following two break-up letters from us and a departure for Pittsburgh, he has managed to reach the All Star Break with a better record than a Cy Young Award-winning pitcher (our favorite Cy Young Award-winning pitcher). Clearly what Timmy is in need of is a letter written to him by his #1 fans and best friends in the whole wide world: us. Who are we to deny him this necessity?

Our Dearest Gum Drop Timmy,

What up, mother f*ckaaaaa! Whatcha been up to? How’s it hanging? How’s mom doing? Dad? The dog? Still recovering from St. Patty’s? That was a sick night, bitch. Murphy really f*cked up by going to spring training instead. He missed a happening good time. *Cyber High-Five*

We’re doing okay. We did some beach yoga yesterday. You would’ve loved it. You could’ve gone swimming with Serena afterwards because, as you know, Lisa doesn’t swim. She would’ve waved to you from the shoreline and called for help if you were attacked by a shark…unfortunately, Serena would’ve left you splashing in a frothy pool of your own blood. She loves sharks, but she’s not stupid. Survival of the fittest and all that. But don’t worry. Lisa TOTALLY would’ve dialed 911.

ANYWAY, the real reason for our letter. It seems to us that you’re feeling a bit down. Do you have a very bad illness that you’ve decided not to tell us about? We can handle it, ya know. We want to be there for you. Are you depressed? Are you going through a severe break up? This would be slightly alarming to us seeing as how you’ve never mentioned a girlfriend, but we’d still be there for you to get you through this tough time. The reason why we’re pestering you with all of these probing questions is that we’ve been noticing that you’re pitching…well…how do we say this without hurting your feelings? You’ve been pitching like an a-hole. A real hairy a-hole. We just checked your stats and a very detailed chart on ESPN.com informed us that you have an 18.90 ERA against the Washington Nationals. In fact, your ERA from this afternoon’s game is 16.20. How the F*CK does someone manage that? How is this even mathematically possible? How bad of a game do you have to throw in order for this to be your legitimate stat? Lisa can throw a more effective game than that and she makes the equivalent to the cost of a hot dog compared to you. Seriously. She’s also never played baseball before. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Obviously, something is going on here and it’s deeper than just messed up mechanics because in the three games that you DID win, you were the dominant Timmy of old! It’s clear that no one cares about you like we do because no one has done anything to fix this. Is Barry Zito too busy working on his comb over or conjuring up some other fashion disaster to spend a little time with you to get your head straight? Thank GOD you have us in your life. Where would you be without us? We hate to do this to you, but we have no choice to put you on a strict regiment to get you back on track. We don’t like acting like dictators, but you’ve really put us in a bad spot here. Going forward, your week will look like this:

Monday:

·   Smoke weed.

·   10 cents wings and $4 draft beer at an ale house of your choosing (we understand that it may not be physically possible for you to travel to New York every week to hang out with us at Croxley’s). Bonus points for finding an ale house that serves cheaper wings and draft beer. That gets you a *Cyber High-Five*

·   Fall asleep in starfish pose in the middle of your living room wearing nothing but your underwear.

Tuesday:

·  Smoke weed.

·  Attend a zumba or belly dancing class.

·  Taco Bell. Order and eat a minimum of $15 worth.

·  Release your inner pirate. Wear an eye patch while sipping on Captain Morgan.

Wednesday:

·    Smoke weed.

·   Participate in a session of a yoga type of your choosing.

·   Eat a bag of Oreos.

·   Watch a How I Met Your Mother marathon.

·   Contemplate the Cecilia Venn Diagram. In your case, it’s probably more like the Barry Zito Venn Diagram.

·   Enjoy a cigar and a glass of scotch for your hard work today.

Thursday:

·    Smoke weed.

·    Beer pong.

·    Practice your inversions in the middle of the freeway. If you can dodge a car, you can dodge a ball. More importantly, if you can find inner peace upside down in a sea of fast-moving vehicles, than you are on the path to enlightenment…or some sh*t like that.

·    Over-order Domino’s Pizza online and only eat half of it because you’re full. Just remember to order before 2 am because they close.

Friday:

·   Smoke weed, immediately followed by a shot of Jameson.

·   Run through town in your boxer shorts, screaming your head off that you’re being chased by zombies. This is your cardio. Embrace it.

·   Eat a Twinkie.

·   Prank call Barry Zito several times from different phone numbers. If you can accomplish 6 prank calls without him realizing it’s you, you’re still on the path to enlightenment. We recommend that you start off with, “Tom Selleck called. He wants his moustache back.”

Saturday:

·  Smoke weed.

·  Attend a cardio-kickboxing class with the Fit Fem.

·  Find out who that lady is who had been escorted onto the field following Matt Cain’s perfect game. Text the TBB the answer.

·  Eat spicy noodles or Pad Thai with a side of Thai fried rice.

·  Since you’ll feel slightly dehydrated, make yourself a margarita (only use Patron or else you’ll get a headache and all of your training will be for nothing), wear a sombrero, and stick a fake moustache on your upper lip. If you can drink your cocktail without your fake moustache falling off, you’re so close to enlightenment that you’re practically making out with it.

·  Go to bed early because you need to rest up for your big day tomorrow. Wear your sports bra and yoga pants in order to ensure adequate REM sleep.

Sunday:

·  Smoke weed.

·  You might be feeling a little nervous and dehydrated, so you’ll want to throw back a shot of Café Patron.

·  Pitch a perfect game.

·  Call the TBB to thank them for their sound advice.
·     *Cyber High-Five*

In conclusion, follow this strict regiment EXACTLY as we’ve dictated it and you shall return to the game bigger and better than before. EXACTLY as we’ve dictated it. Do not vary it in any way shape or form. Do not do Monday’s tasks on Friday or you’ll mess everything up…and get herpes. Remember, we know what’s best for you and we’ll look forward to being escorted onto the field when you throw your perfect game.


Oh, and before we forget, it should be noted that you shouldn’t drink water after midnight for you will turn into a gremlin…actually, come to think of it, you’re better off being safe than sorry. No water. Just booze.


Kiss Noise.


Sincerely,
Your Traveling Baseball Babes/Life Coaches


PS -
See you on August 14^th for Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day!


Now for our A-hole of the Week. This week’s a-hole is Dustin Pedroia for saying, “I’m a lizard. I heal while I play. I’m a freak healer. I heal great.” No. You’re an asshat and you look like a hairy crypt keeper. Thank you for playing. Have a nice day. Our TBB Super Hero of the Week is Sean Rodriguez of the Tampa Bay Rays for playing this prank on teammates, James Shields and David Price.


Next weekend, we regret to inform you that the TBB will be taking their own All Star Break. Unfortunately, we won’t be doing anything as fun as hitting home runs, chasing mascots, or frolicking around the base paths. We’ll be partaking in bridal party duties for two totally separate weddings. Maybe if you’re lucky, we’ll post a drunk photo or two from our respective parties, but we doubt it. We’re ugly drunks.

Rain Out

So Serena found Guido-Fest 2012 near Yankees Stadium last week and asked if you thought Lisa would ditch the May 19^th Yankees game to spend the rest of her days rubbing up against guidos. Only 2 of you bothered to reply and both of you agreed that Lisa will not be leaving Guido Mecca ever. This means that Serena will be attending the Yankees game alone…which is kind of sad and pathetic. Is there anyone out there that would be willing to sit for a full 9 innings with Serena and eat hot dogs? Maybe drink a little beer? No one seems to think that Lisa will be so overwhelmed by the onslaught of fist pumping that she’ll literally combust and need to be escorted from the bar.

Allow us to share with you our Sunday evening. There is no baseball. It’s pouring out, so we can’t even walk to the bar like we’d planned. Though technically, Serena has more booze in her fridge than food, so we’re not sure why we’d even need to bother going to a bar. We’ve just wasted several hours being sucked into the Real Housewives of New Jersey marathon instead of blogging. Serena turned off the television when the Real Housewives of Atlanta’s Reunion special came on in an effort to promote a more efficient work environment. Now all we hear is the pitter patter of the rain on the roof and Lisa’s complaints that Serena took away her only happiness by turning off the television.  Even as Serena types this, Lisa is still muttering about the Real Housewives and how she’s definitely going to watch “Don’t Be Tardy for the Wedding.” This has turned into an all too depressing affair of hoodie sweatshirts and listening to sad, poetic music like “Sometime After Midnight.” There is one funny factoid about tonight’s rainout that makes us laugh and that is the fact that since Roberta’s entire fantasy lineup is made up of the New York Mets and Yankees, she had no one to start today and Lisa’s “The Asstastic Bunch” finished Week 3 out by demolishing the Riverdale Rebels. Insert evil, victorious laugh.

Now we’re drinking hot tea, which is less sexy than sucking down a cold one at The Main Event and perhaps chowing down a tasty burger. Such a lame Sunday.

For just two minutes, let’s talk about Barry Zito. We’re flabbergasted. Where in the hell does he get off pitching like a jack wagon for all these years and then suddenly pull out of his ass a complete game shut out? What’s even more confusing is that the performance was apparently not a fluke! He’s continuing to perform up to his contract…so far. He pitched a solid 7 innings in his second start and 5 innings in his last start against the Mets on Friday night. He has an ERA of 1.71 in 21 innings pitched with 10 strikeouts. What is happening here? What in the hell did he do in this offseason that is so different from past offseasons that he’s now able to pitch again? We know he got married and we know that at this wedding, he sported a comb-over. Is married life really treating him this well? What is his wife made of? Beer and hot wings?? Oh, wait, no. That’s what OUR husbands are going to taste like…she probably tastes like sugar and spice and everything nice.

This weekend was the celebration of Fenway Park’s 100^th birthday. How did the Red Sox commemorate this occasion? By sucking the fat one. And we mean fat. How do you blow a 9-run lead in the 7^th inning? How? That’s worse than anything we’ve ever done and let us tell you, we’ve done some pretty stupid sh*t. Well…you know. You’ve read all about it on this blog. In conjunction with its birthday celebration, we’ve been seeing a lot of brouhaha on television and in the paper about why Fenway is so great. Its nostalgia, history, blah, blah, blah. And it’s all true. It is a great piece of history. However, if you’ve read our post about our visit to Fenway, you’ll know that we think that the stadium needs a face lift. Particularly in regards to seating and comfort. It seems that we’re not the only ones with this attitude toward Fenway. Rays’ designated hitter, Luke Scott described the stadium as a “dump,” which is way more terrible than anything that we ever said about the place. Scott meant it in regards to a facility to work at as a ball player, but nevertheless, the comment ruffled a few feathers. We’ll take it one step further. Fenway is an unattractive ballpark and we’re sorry, but it’s not the best old-time stadium. Wrigley Field is. It has retained its historic, nostalgic feel, while updating certain amenities for the comfort of their fans, AND it’s a cute mother f*cking stadium! It’s flippin’ adorable! It’s like being transported to another planet! Another planet called Wrigleyville! Going to Fenway is like being transported to a green warehouse where you may or may not become the victim of a mafia hit.

In addition to the Red Sox’s anal raping that took place yesterday, Phil Humber threw the 21^st perfect game in MLB history against the Mariners in the White Sox 4-0 victory. He managed to do this while only throwing 96 pitches.

AJ Burnett…remember him? Our ex? Well, that douchenozzle left us and the Yankees to perform like he’s Iron Man for the Pirates!! Today, he tossed 7 scoreless innings, allowing 3 hits, and recording 7 strikeouts. Thank you, Mr. Burnett, for being absolutely useless to us in New York. We really appreciate it. Best wishes on your future endeavors, you a$$hat. Burnett became the first Pirates pitcher since 1907 to pitch at least 7 scoreless innings and record 7 strikeouts. Either the Pirates are really that god awful to have such a pitiful history or Burnett is now a legit super hero with super powers. Or it’s a combination of both. Time will only tell. Stay tuned for further rantings on this subject.

In the highly intelligent words of Melissa Gorga, “The Red Sox are on display, on display each and every day, every day. Bobby V. is waiting for them to win, but they keep on crawling, and people keep hating on them, hating on them.”

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Last week, the big news was that Ryan Braun was cleared of all performance-enhancing drug charges. We asked if you were happy about it. Surprisingly, 5 of you voted, “No. He did it! I know he did! And I’m not gonna rest until I get the evidence I need to prove it!” Only 2 of you chose, “Yes, I love him and his Italian restaurant with the creepy waiters.” We thought he had more fans than this. We’re truly shocked that more of you weren’t supportive of him. 
 

Among the many other things that AJ Burnett does not do well, the man apparently can’t sacrifice bunt to save his eye. AJ took a ball to the eye off his bat during bunting practice. He underwent surgery to repair the fracture and will miss 2-3 months, forcing the Pirates to change their Opening Day starter. While Lisa finds this story amusing (as AJ will most likely have to wear an eye patch while playing for the Pirates), Serena is absolutely flabbergasted. Having played softball for most of her life, she happens to be a pretty good bunter. It’s not all that difficult. It’s probably the easiest thing she learned while playing the game right after learning how to slide into a base. Even watching the replay of this accident confuses Serena (Lisa laughs at it). How BAD do you have to be at squaring off to the pitcher in order for this to happen? The bat’s supposed to be nowhere near your face. It’s still supposed to be able to cover the plane of the plate. We’ve literally watched the video 6 times. Each time, our conversation goes something like this:

*Play Video*
Lisa: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Serena: I just don’t get it!!!! What the f*ck is he doing?
Lisa: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Serena: It just doesn’t make any sense!
Lisa: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Serena: Want to watch it again?
Lisa: YES!

It’s at this time that we feel it necessary to break up with AJ once and for all. He’s no longer with the Yankees and now he no longer has an eye. After breaking up with him on our blog during the 2010 season, we dallied off and on with our AJ (we do share a house pet after all). For those of you who have no idea what we’re talking about, please read this. But now there’s nothing keeping us tied to him, we’ve decided that we need to cut ties and be firm about it. No more back and forth crap. It’s too much. Our hearts can’t take it anymore. It brings us great pain to do this, but it needs to be done.

Dear AJ,

By the time you read this, you will already have gotten your eye patch. Hopefully, reading this letter will not strain your remaining good eye. We all know that this relationship hasn’t been easy these last two seasons. Your inconsistent efforts on and off the field (and don’t make us spell this one out. You know what we’re referring to here) has taken its toll. Adding these issues to the fact this has now become a long distance relationship pretty much spells doom. Plus, you’re not even with a good team. How do you expect us to pretend to be happy for you when you’re playing for the Pirates? At this point, you should just head down to the minors. We’d have a little bit more respect for you. Perhaps you should consider retiring.

This brings us to the recent incident of your eye. We get that you play for the Pirates and that it’s amusing that you’re forced to wear an eye patch now, but c’mon. We enjoyed role playing together, but this is taking things too far. Now you’re living the role play. That’s not cool. That’s pathetic. Instead of being a starting pitcher, you’re the team mascot. We like mascots and all, but you don’t see us trying to go out with any of them, do you? No. That’s weird. And creepy. It’s like we don’t even know you anymore. How did that ball even hit your eye? Lisa’s father always warned us that you were an a-hole and now here’s the proof. We should’ve listened to him before we became emotionally attached. What happened to us, AJ? There was such promise. Such fire. And then you sucked, which got you traded. To a sucky team to top it all off.

It’s time for us to move on to bigger and better things. Lisa’s in love with Joey Votto now (he’s a guido after all) and Serena’s onto Justin Verlander. Turns out they have a lot in common, including the Taco Bell menu. We’re not sure we ever had anything in common with you. Now that we’ve had time to think about it, we’re not even sure why we started dating you to begin with. You’re blonde. And not that attractive. Even worse is that you cost the Yankees a sh*t ton of games! Last season, you ended the year with an ERA over 5. That’s just unforgiveable. What are we supposed to do with a man like that? Now you’re telling us that you can’t even do the one lousy thing that pitchers are supposed to be able to do in the batter’s box? You’re a pathetic excuse for a professional baseball player, pitcher, man, and most of all, lover.

Since we’re leaving you in such a heartless way, we’re going to let you have Winkie. Unfortunately, Lisa lost him, so you’ll have to find him first. She has no idea as to how long he’s been missing, but the good news is that he’s a cat, so he’s probably just fine. Rumor has it that he’s on his way to San Francisco to live with Barry Zito and his comb-over/porn-stache. At least Barry’s never hit himself in the eye during bunt practice. You know what? Let’s be real here. We don’t even like cats, so why we agreed to adopt one with you is beyond our comprehension. If you retire, you can take Winkie to Florida with you (that is, if you can find him) and live happily without us.

*Sigh* Listen, you know we love you, but we just can’t take this. You know we love you, but we’re playing for keeps. Although we need you, we’re not gonna make this. You know we want to, but we’re in too deep. Enjoy Pittsburgh. Say hello to your mother for us. We did like her despite the fact that she birthed a pansy such as yourself.

Formerly Yours,

Lisa & Serena

PS- Don’t expect us to say hello to you when you’re at Citi Field because it’s not going to happen. The pain of this relationship is too great. We can’t be friends.

Now for the rest of this week’s baseball notes:

The asinine added Wild Card round will go into effect this season. Thank goodness the MLB has another avenue with which to make money. So happy for them. We were afraid for a hot second that they might starve. The new Wild Card round will consist of a single-elimination game in each league. The 3 Division winners in each league will await the survivor of this 1-game playoff in order determine their Division Series opponents. This is just like being in Little League. Everyone gets a f*cking trophy. The teams that play the best should go to the playoffs. It’s really that simple. Also, with this new format, Division rivals will now be able to face each other in the Division Series. Confused? We’ll explain. Last year, the American League Wild Card came out of the East (as usual). The Yankees were unable to face the Rays, therefore they faced the Tigers whereas the Rays faced the Rangers. Under the new scenario, the Yankees might’ve faced the Rays in which case the Tigers would’ve faced the Rangers. Adding this extra round also eliminates potential last minute drama during the regular season. Last year, both the Cardinals and Rays advanced to the Wild Card on the last day of the regular season by defeating the Braves and Red Sox respectively. Had we had this new format, all four teams would’ve advanced to this bull sh*t new Wild Card game and we would’ve been sitting here watching baseball during Thanksgiving. F*ck the Dallas Cowboys game. We would’ve been eating turkey while watching Albert Pujols face off against Josh Hamilton.

Now that the Marlins have flamboyant new uniforms, a snazzy new stadium, and a revamped lineup, the team eyes the chance to host the 2015 All Star Game. As if that’s not enough, the team’s confident that they’ll also have the chance to host the 2013 World Baseball Classic. Sorry, but this is what we’re hooting and hollering about?

We’re not impressed. It looks like a resort from this angle and in other photos, it’s passable for an airport or aquarium. Nothing about this screams baseball. It screams “douchebag.” Kind of like their new short stop.

Jason Varitek retired. Boo hoo. Cry us a river.

Finally, enough’s enough. This has to stop. Where are you with this f*cking beard? Are you in a cave? What is this? It’s just not funny anymore. Look at us. We’re not laughing. You look like an a-hole. Oh…wait…are you having a mental breakdown? Cos’ then it’s totally rude for us to pick on you about this. It’s becoming quite clear that you’re suffering from a chemical imbalance.

Forbes’ Top Ten

We’d been thinking about a potential career change and since we care so much about your opinion, we asked for your feedback. Since it was a tie, you haven’t helped us at all. Good job. When asked if you thought we should quit stadium touring and become professional MMA fighters, you people couldn’t make a decision. Now we’re stuck between “Oh, for crissakes, no. You’ll be killed” and “Yes. You look bad a$$. You’ll totally win some matches.” What are we supposed to do with this? We suppose we’ll just go be strippers instead. Thanks a lot, guys. Miserable married corporate men will have the unfortunate experience of us dancing and twirling around a pole. If you think that sounds sexy, just be aware that while spinning on a pole, Serena actually squeals, “Weeeeeeee!” Kay? Does that still sound sexy?

This weekend, Forbes’ released its Top 10 Most Disliked Athletes list. The ranking is as follows:

1. Michael Vick
2. Tiger Woods
3. Plaxico Burress
4. Ndamukong Suh
5. Kris Humphries
6. LeBron James
7. Kobe Bryant
8. Terrell Owens
9. Alex Rodriguez
10. Kurt Busch

Some of this list is completely understandable. After all, Michael Vick should not have his current job. He’s a man who operated a dog fighting ring, killed dogs, served time in prison, and then was rewarded upon his release with a really awesome career. Most “reformed” criminals have trouble finding jobs at Walmart and yet this a-hole immediately gets his old job back. His entire salary should be donated back to the ASPCA. He’s a scumbag. Plaxico Burress, Terrell Ownes, and Kurt Busch are all total douchebags. We get it. Kobe Bryant? Sexually assaulted a woman AND an arrogant a-hole. Yup. We get it. What we can’t understand is why Tiger Woods is ranked higher on this list than a man who shot himself in the leg like an a-hole, a sell-out who abandoned his fans for extra money, and more importantly, a man who had sexually assaulted a woman. We’re not saying that Tiger doesn’t belong on this list, but his issue is sex addiction. Those women all wanted to have sex with him (for reasons that are unknown to us). Kobe forced himself on a woman. Why is he only #7?

Even more disturbing is Kris Humphries’ placement on this list at #5. The only reason you should dislike him is that you’re sick of hearing his name and about his a-hole ex-wife. In fact, instead of Humphries, Kim Kardashian should be on this list. She might not be a literal athlete, but she certainly sleeps with a lot of them. Humphries also spells his name wrong, but that’s not enough of a reason to rank him #5. Why is this man on this list in the first place? How could you have this much venom toward someone so unimportant? He’s literally a non-entity. Furthermore, why is he on this list higher than a man who sexually assaulted a woman AND LeBron James and Terrell Owens??? This has to be a joke.

Alex Rodriguez. Really? How could you possibly hate him more than say, oh, we don’t know…Ben Rothlisberger?? A man who raped not one woman, but TWO!!! We get that there’s animosity toward Rodriguez for his inflated salary (but really…how many other athletes are out there with grossly inflated salaries? Can we say Barry Zito? At least Rodriguez performs. What has Zito done for us lately besides attempt to bring back the porn-stache and rock a comb-over on his wedding day?), his high-profile relationships (wouldn’t you bang Kate Hudson if you had the chance?), and the whole steroids debacle (umm…what about Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens? They actually lied to a grand jury). But really? Top 10 MOST disliked? Really? More disliked than a rapist? The rapist isn’t even on this list!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Furthermore, Chad Ochocinco renamed himself after his jersey number. We’re not sure you can get more douchey than that. Why isn’t he on this list?

Alex Rodriguez’s personality is minimal. It’s like listening to a piece of Melba Toast speaking when he’s interviewed and as we stated earlier, Kris Humphries is a non-entity. You’ve eaten two spots on this list with men that are essentially space-wasters. Spots that could’ve been filled by a rapist and Douchey McDouchey. This list basically confirms how stupid the public is. They shouldn’t be allowed to vote for anything. Not for the All Star Game, not for the People’s Choice Awards, not for American Idol, and in all honesty, no one should be voting in the presidential elections. We’d be better off being run by British Parliament at this point.  

In other worldly baseball news, according to sources, there’s a chance that AJ Burnett could be sent to the Pirates. Did you just hear that? It sounded like angels singing. The Yankees still owe Burnett $35 million for the next two seasons, which is worth more than the cost of both of our cars combined and we’ve gotten more practical use out of our modes of transportation than the Yankees have gotten out of Burnett. On the flip side, the Pirates are seeking a veteran starter who can eat innings. Here’s the problem with the Pirates’ strategy here. Yes, Burnett is a veteran and yes, when his sh*t is on the money, he’s great and he’ll definitely eat up some innings for you. However, that being said, when the f*cker is in hot mess mode, you’ll be lucky if he survives two innings. Maybe removing him from the pressure of being in New York will help him. We’re not sure, but he needs to take his epic fails elsewhere.

Tom Brady’s sister (who we imagine looks like Tom Brady, only without a beard and with long, silky smooth hair as opposed to short) is engaged to Kevin Youkilis. What could be going so wrong in the Brady household that something this terrible would happen to the sister of Tom Brady? Youkilis looks like a crazed lumberjack. A friend of Youkilis said that, “he’s really lucky. She’s a really nice person…” Hell yeah, he’s lucky! Has he looked at himself in the mirror lately????

Jose Reyes’ locks went for $10,200 on eBay. This would normally be a disgusting and creepy situation that we’d make fun of, but the money was donated to the Make A Wish Foundation of South Florida, so it would be a little inappropriate for us to ridicule this.  

Finally, Chubby Bubby Miguel Cabrera reportedly shed 20-25 pounds to move back to third base for the Tigers. The End. End Scene. Close curtains. Exit theater.

In the fine words of Candlebox: “Now maybe, they didn’t mean to put you on that list. Now maybe, but they did it anyway. And now maybe, some would say that your life is sad. But you lived it anyway. And so maybe, and your friends they stand around and they watched you marry that whore as your reputation faltered to the ground. And then someday, even some of your friends voted, oh they voted you for #5…but you left them far behind. Now maybe, they didn’t mean to put you on the list, but they did it anyway. Now maybe, some would say you’re left with what you have, but you couldn’t stop the pain of beating a sex offender.”  

After These Messages

We know that our typical blog day is Sunday (and don’t worry, you’ll still get a blog tomorrow. We know how poorly you all deal with change), but we’re posting our pathetic poll results and baseball notes today so that tomorrow’s post can strictly focus on the rewrite of our trip to Philly in 2008. We’ve posted a new poll that you won’t vote on because that’s been you’re your MO from this blog’s inception. So, good job, guys. Way to not exercise your mouse-clicking finger.

Needless to say our most recent poll failed to live up to its “legen-wait for it-dary” potential. In the two weeks that it graced the blog, the How I Met Your Mother poll managed to earn 8 lousy votes. The only good thing about this is that you guys actually voted on both the Lisa poll and Serena poll, so that’s a vast improvement from the last time we offered you two polls at the same time. We asked which character from How I Met Your Mother was most similar to us (admittedly, this has stemmed from the fact that we’ve caught a lot of HIMYM marathons recently). Truthfully, some of your answers scared us just a tad. 5 of you thought that Lisa was Ted because she is constantly searching for her one true love. Serena felt like this was a given because Lisa is clearly Ted. Period. True, she does have a gambling problem like Barney (1 person voted for this), but aside from the gambling, she literally has nothing in common with that character. No one voted for Lily or Robin, but 2 of you jack-a-loons actually chose Marshall after Serena deliberately added the following statement to that poll choice: “actually she’s nothing like Marshall. If you pick this option, you’re an a-hole.” Don’t get us wrong. Marshall’s hilarious and Lisa might have a touch of a crush on him, but there is nothing remotely similar about Marshall and Lisa. Do you realize that this makes the 2 of you who voted for that option a-holes? Did you understand that when you decided to select that? Now…Serena, on the other hand, received quite the variety in terms of responses. Either she’s got multiple personalities or you people have no idea what you’re talking about. 1 person voted for Barney because she has a drinking problem, likes to suit up, and would kill to find someone to play laser tag with. We suppose that’s all valid statements however she’s not as much of a d*ck as Barney is. At least, that’s what we like to think. You might have a different opinion on the subject. 1 person chose Lily because she is also obsessed with Christmas. She’s like an alcoholic Santa’s Helper. Just so you’re aware, we had to think long and hard to come up with an option for Serena to be compared to Lily. Why? Because she has nothing else that could possibly relate her to Lily. So you, sir or madam, who voted for Lily are wrong. FYI. 2 people chose Ted because she would do something as stupid as stealing a blue horn from the wall of a local restaurant. This is just bizarre. Yes, she’d probably steal something as cool as a blue horn, but do you know why he stole that blue horn? To impress Robin. Serena would steal that horn just because. She’s nowhere near as girly as Ted is. She’d eat a dude like Ted for a mid-morning snack and forget all about him by lunchtime. 1 person voted for Marshall because she would relish the idea of winning a slap bet and having the opportunity to slap Barney 5 times at any time from now until eternity. You’re probably right. In fact, when she read this, she started laughing. 3 of you voted for Robin because she also has a dude’s personality trapped inside a chick’s body. It kind of hurts when YOU tell her this, but yeah. This can’t entirely be denied. Serena is probably most similar to Robin. However, she isn’t exactly a boy trapped in a girl’s body. She DOES have some girly traits. We promise. You should see her shoe closet and she owns dresses. Swear. She even wears them. We did have a Facebook fan mention that he wasn’t too familiar with HIMYM, which gave him difficulty when it came to voting. Was that the problem? You guys never watched the show? What would’ve been better for you? He mentioned NYPD Blue, but we never watched that show.  

Okay, enough of that. The big news of the week has been the kidnapping of Nationals’ catcher Wilson Ramos in Venezuela. 50 hours after of being abducted on the front lawn of his mother’s house in broad daylight, Ramos was rescued by Venezuelan authorities following a 15-minute gunfight. Justice Minister Tareck El Aissami, who announced the news of the rescue last night, said that the police had 3 men in custody, one of them being a Columbian that is “linked to paramilitary groups and to kidnapping groups.” Authorities are still gathering evidence to determine if there was anyone else involved in this senseless crime. There had been a candlelight vigil held at Nationals Ballpark behind the center field gate during the day yesterday. Approximately 100 fans showed up to pay their respects. Apparently Venezuela has been ranked at the top of the list in murder rates and kidnappings in the world. This is some scary sh*t. The Ramos family is extremely lucky as many families never see their loved ones again.

Other tid bits from around the league seem to pale in comparison to Ramos’ story, but we feel obligated to talk about it anyway. First, the fun, uplifting stuff. Robin Ventura is back in Chicago, replacing Ozzie Guillen as manager! We LOVE Ventura. He’s a great guy, was fantastic hitter, and an outstanding third basemen (and we know how critical Serena is of third basemen). Serena still can’t figure out what the purpose was of getting rid of him for Aaron Boone. Not that Boone’s a douchebag, but c’mon. Watching him play third is like watching an apprentice attempt to replicate the Sistine Chapel. Just not the same. If you’re gonna replace someone, don’t downgrade.

Speaking of douchebag, Jonathan Papelbon will be joining a roster of douchebags next season! Papelbon recently signed a 4-year deal with the Phillies for $50 million. Apparently this is the largest contract for a closer in baseball history. Isn’t that sweet? It includes an option for a fifth season that could increase the value to $60 million. According to some sources, Phillies GM Ruben Amaro Jr. is now on the hunt for Michael Cuddyer. Can the Twins really afford to let Cuddy walk? They’ve already allowed Jim Thome to go to the Phillies!!! Why, Thome, WHY? Furthermore, there’s a chance they’ll lose Jason Kubel to free agency this offseason as well. Amaro also has to deal with the fact that Jimmy Rollins and Ryan Madson are up for grabs.

Other names potentially seeking other employment opportunities this offseason? A-hole Beltran, we mean Carlos, Yuniesky Betancourt, Jonathan Broxton, Mark Buerhle, Bartolo Colon, Prince Fielder, Brad Lidge, David Ortiz, Roy Oswalt, Jorge Posada, Lazy Reyes, we mean Jose, CJ Wilson, Tim Wakefield, and some guy named Albert Pujols. You may have heard of him. Serena’ll take Oswalt. She can live with the Yankees signing him. : ) Maybe he’ll balance out the fact that a basket case with terrible, terrible hair is the Yankees’ supposed #2 guy. Lisa’s simply looking forward to unloading yet another arrogant and lazy piece of garbage that cares more for himself than the fans and actually trying to win a game.

When Irene is a Rockin,’ Don’t Bother Knockin’

According to last week’s poll, no one wants us to change our blog name because you’re all fans of the status quo. That’s good because we’re also pretty lazy and weren’t looking forward to changing the web address, email address, and business cards. Hooray for the status quo!

Us East-coasters got the brunt of Hurricane Irene last night. Some people felt her wrath worse than others. Serena thinks everyone made a big hullabaloo for nothing. She’s got a bunch of tree branches scattered all over the property while the Rite Aid next door to Lisa lost its fence. Lisa still managed to attend a baby shower yesterday. Folks living near fallen trees are without power. For safety purposes, we’ve decided to blog via email and cell phones instead of sitting together in Serena’s living room while watching the Yankees/Orioles doubleheader.

Irene postponed yesterdays Yankees/Orioles game, Mets/Braves game, and the Jets/Giants pre-season matchup (and by extension our beer and wings night at Croxley’s Ale House). In preparation of Irene, the MLB also canceled today’s Mets/Braves game…yesterday. Better safe than sorry, we suppose. Serena was relegated to watching season 4 of Rescue Me on Netflix because of all these postponements.

Justin Verlander earned his 20^th victory, which brought a smile to Serena’s face. Tigers Love Pepper and they also love Verlander.

Another fun fact from this weekend: Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly have called it quits. Under no circumstances should Mamadukes be notified of this. Serena does not want to date Derek Jeter. Thanks to some stupid television special, Lisa likes Jeter now too. It’s awful. We might as well give Lisa a t-shirt that says, “I <3 Golden Boys.” It’s becoming a very Jeterific nightmare here. Serena might run away to live in the Verlander household. It’s safer there. There’s no talk of Jeter or TOWSNBN or that Serena’s just not trying hard enough to date a Yankee.

Finally, on August 25^th, the Yankees set a grand slam record, being the first team to ever hit 3 grand slams in one game. Curtis Granderson, Robinson Cano, and Russell Martin all went deep in the Yanks’ 22-9 victory over the A’s. It’s no surprise that of all the teams to do this, it was the Yankees. AJ Burnett might give up 12 runs, but the good news is that the Yankees can fix all that up with 3 grand slams! Yay!

Dexy’s Midnight Runners closes things out today with: “Come on, Irene, oh, we swear that you’re mean.  At this moment, you’ve ruined everything! With you, NY’s a mess, our games’ got postponed. Verge of boredom. Ah, go home, Irene!

(Just an FYI: We had no idea how filthy this song was until we Googled the lyrics. We feel soiled having read them).  

The Name’s Beard. Jayson Werth’s Beard

We decided to share with you our 2011 wish list last week and it was met with some appreciation and some skepticism. 6 of you voted that our wish list seemed perfectly reasonable while 2 naysayers felt that we were really delusional and therefore slightly terrifying. Okay, so maybe asking Chris Cornell to leave his wife for Serena was a little ridiculous, but would you really say that we’re “terrifying?”

We felt that it was time. Time to once and for all squash the furry mass that is known as Jayson Werth’s beard. The most recent photograph that we’d been able to find of Jayson was taken at his introduction to the Nationals press conference, which we present to you here.

Under no circumstances should you think that this “look” is okay. It’s a vast improvement than what he is capable of, but it’s certainly not okay.

Since he’s known for regularly committing offenses such as the beard appearing above, we felt that it was time to write a letter to Jayson. *WARNING* This letter has explicit content that may not appropriate for children under the age of 16.

Dear Jayson,
Skipping the pleasantries, let us start by saying that you are technically an attractive species of male. Unfortunately, you make awful, awful, decisions when comes to your grooming habits.

First off, why? Why must you allow your beard to take over your otherwise charming face? Since the Phillies lost to the Giants in the NLCS, it’s clearly been established that your beard does not have magical powers. Hogwarts does not reside in it. Even when you harness the growth of the aforementioned monstrosity, you sport the Chin Brazilian. This is perplexing. Do you realize that this strip makes your face look like a vagina? Is that the goal you had in mind? If so, then we retract our complaint because you’ve succeeded in your endeavor. Everyone should be applauded for accomplishing their goals.

Second of all, why? We just can’t figure you out. We want access to that region inside your brain that controls the decision making skills regarding razor use. We know that you own a razor because you went from looking like the missing link to a groomed vagina. Clearly you or someone you know took care of that situation and they most likely used a razor…though they might’ve begun the process with hedge clippers.

Listen. We’re not opposed to facial hair. Some of the world’s sexiest men currently have or have had some hot ass facial hair. Examples, you ask? Barry Zito is a borderline champion at sexy facial hair.

Brian Austin Green post-90210 in the Sarah Connor Chronicles. Don’t you just want to rub up against that?? Okay, maybe YOU don’t, but we bet your wife does.

Gerard Butler is not only an effective and inspirational Spartan king, but he is also as delicious as baklava! Don’t you want to be our Super Hero of the Week like him? Just conjuring his image in one’s head can make a girl’s legs open!

Why do you insist on being the kind of man that makes our thighs clench together? Don’t you want to be the new sex symbol of the MLB? Aren’t you tired of the Derek Jeters and David Wrights getting all of that bootay? We’re confident that you have it in you to overthrow their regime. Now…you may retort that you are happily married and that is extremely commendable because that will make you the only faithful husband in the MLB. But be honest. You still want that sex symbol status. We’ll have you know that no woman (or man) is going to do naughty things to your image with a grizzly bear sitting on your face!

Jayson, we’re just trying to help you because we care…especially now that you’re no longer a member of the Phillies. We’re not doing this to hurt your feelings. That’s the last thing we want to do because we care. We know that you’re capable of rocking the hot face scruff. We’ve seen it before (not very often admittedly) and it looks good. Why don’t you stick to that look?

We propose that if your beard should stray again that you allow us to shave your face free of charge (we will accept tips though)…just let us film it for the blog. Being that Serena is 28 and rapidly closing in on 29 and Lisa is 32, we’ve got plenty of experience in shaving our legs. Therefore, we’re pretty sure that we’ve got the hang of the whole razor and shaving cream thing. How different could shaving your face be from our legs? C’mon. We’ve got a larger surface area to take care of than you do. If you’re still uncertain, perhaps we can couple your face purging with Fred K’s Cancer somehow so that you feel that you’re giving back to the community and becoming sexy at the same time. What do you think? Let us know.

Hope to hear from you soon. Say hi to Ryan (Zimmerman) for us. Do try not to get lost in DC because one wrong turn and you can suddenly find yourself on the steps of a dilapidated shanty where an old man missing his teeth is selling crabs out of a tin garbage can.

Kiss noise,
Lisa & Serena
The Traveling Baseball Babes

We don’t have much in terms of baseball notes this week. It seems that baseball land is experiencing the quiet before the storm as players gear up to report for spring training. Vlad Guerrero and the Orioles have agreed to a 1 year/$8 million deal. We can’t foresee this hurting the Orioles as Vlad has always proven to be a pretty reliable offensive power and given his age, signing him for only a year definitely makes sense. Across the country, the Rangers secured Josh Hamilton for at least another 2 years with a $24 million contract.

Yankees pitching coach Larry Rothschild seems to be pretty confident in AJ Burnett. He claims that Burnett is healthy both mentally and physically heading into spring training. Oh, well thank goodness. However, we really didn’t think that he had been physically ailing when he drove almost every game he pitched into the dumpster. Keeping up the positive outlook here, Rothschild believes that Burnett is “coming in with the right intention in mind and that’s a good place to start.” Great. Wonderful. While we absolutely agree that a positive mental outlook is a major factor when it comes to success in athletics (or in any endeavor that you choose to participate in), the “right intention” only gets you so far. We have the best intentions most of the time and it doesn’t always guarantee that the sh*t won’t hit the fan. We’re sure that Burnett did not INTEND to blow so many ball games and therefore hike up his season ERA, but it happened nonetheless. Burnett reports to spring training on Monday and Rothschild’s goal is to work with Burnett on his mechanics to get him straight again. Please, please let Rothschild be some sort of miracle worker.

Michael Jackson’s going to bring it on home for us today: “Sometimes, you’re hairy. A hairy fright and someone’s got to shave you and the TBB are just right.”

Three Cheers for Greedy Corporate Executives

We’re not even going to acknowledge last week’s poll because it’s become pretty clear to us that you’re all a pack of cheaters. Since the poll was “who is staging a comeback,” regarding the holes the Yankees and Phillies had dug themselves into during the Championship Series, the outcome was going to be determined rather quickly. Well ahead of today’s blog posting. No one, repeat NO ONE, voted before Game 6 of either series was played. Conveniently, everyone voted the day after both teams were eliminated from playoff contention. You do understand that these are opinion polls, right? You get nothing for guessing right. You baffle us. How do you sleep at night? Since you’re so gung-ho about being rule breakers, this week’s poll is going to be something you CAN’T cheat on. Enjoy it.
Serena made a bet with The Favorite’s brother that the Giants would win the World Series this year. So far, the Bay Area Boys are doing right by her and making The Favorite’s brother feel like a NTAC…because he IS a NTAC for choosing the Rangers. This is nothing personal. It’s business.

The series moves to Arlington for the next 3 games. The schedule for this weekend is as follows:

Game 3 – Saturday at 6:30 pm
Jonathan Sanchez vs. Colby Lewis

Game 4 – Sunday at 8:00 pm
Madison Baumgarner vs. Tommy Hunter

Sadly, the ratings for this year’s World Series have been pretty bleak. The Giants 11-7 win over the Rangers on Wednesday that featured a Tim Lincecum/Cliff Lee billing had an 8.9 rating and 15 share, which is down 25% from last year’s Yankees/Phillies World Series opener. This could be chocked up to the fact that there are a lot of New York transplants all over the country who may have had a vested interest in that particular series. However, this number is also down 3% from the Rays-Phillies’ Game 1 in 2008, a series that had scored a record low-rating. FOX stated that Thursday’s Game 2 peaked at 10.4/16 at about 9:30 pm before dropping steadily following a 6-run 5th inning, which is somewhat understandable. Personally, when the Yankees were losing Game 6 by 6 runs, we stopped watching too and we actually gave a crap about the outcome of that game.

Here’s the deal. The Giants have a great young pitching staff that deserves to be watched by the world. Cliff Lee is an amazing pitcher who deserves to be in this type of atmosphere. We all know Josh Hamilton’s story and it’s fantastic that he has this opportunity. All that being said, FOX has lost 3 million viewers in the New York area because they’re Cablevision customers and unable to watch the World Series. Granted, 3 million people do not equal the country’s population, but it’s a staggering number nevertheless. With two “non-local” teams in the World Series, people are not going to take the time to travel to the nearest sports bar to watch these games. They’re going to reserve those trips for football Sunday in order to watch the Jets and Giants. That lost consumer base might not equal the 25% decrease in ratings from last year’s Game 1, but it certainly would’ve contributed to a higher rating than the 2008 Game 1. So well done, greedy network executives. Here’s to you! Way to lose all that money and steal the limelight from players who deserve it. Don’t worry. No one thinks you’re selfish or anything.

Despite the low ratings of the World Series, this past week still managed to produce a few interesting baseball notes. Brian Cashman, GM for the Yankees, announced on Monday that pitching coach, Dave Eiland, has been fired for reasons that Cashman refuses to disclose. This should be good. Apparently, AJ Burnett has an umbilical cord attached to Eiland, so we can’t wait to see AJ’s performance come 2011. Just when you think it couldn’t get worse, AJ loses his lifeline. FAN-friggin’-tastic. Furthermore, “reasons he can’t disclose?” What’s that about? Is Eiland KGB? MI6? Bank robber?

The head of the Players’ Union says that his members are open to adding more Wild Card teams for the 2012 season and possibly extending the Division Series to a best-of-seven series. Exactly how full of their own BS is the MLB? Adding more Wild Card teams gets you what? The whole excitement of the Wild Card race is that only one team from each league gets to be the Wild Card. OF COURSE, they’re willing to consider this. It’s just another way to earn money via an additional round of playoffs. Money is also clearly the only motive for extending the Division Series. The MLB doesn’t need another dime in its coffer. It’s revolting. Remove head from ass, please.

In case anyone was worried, Joe Girardi signed a 3-year contract with the Yankees worth $9 million with bonuses that could total $500,000/year based on the team’s performance. So $9 million isn’t enough for an individual hired by a professional baseball team? We need bonuses? It’s not cool enough to be paid a crap-ton of money to work for a baseball team? Incentives are needed? Meanwhile, we can’t even get a $1.00 raise. Awesome. No. The TBB isn’t bitter. We totally love hearing numbers associated with the word “million” tossed around like they’re Frisbees.

3 weeks after Omar Minaya got the boot, the Mets have decided to hire Sammy Alderson as the new GM. Contract details are still pending, but we’re pretty confident that it’s a good chunk of change. Probably more than the $1.00/hour extra that we’re asking for this year. Alderson is best known for an A’s team that didn’t have Zrad Biegler and actually won shit over the course of 15 seasons: 4 Division Titles, 3 Pennants, and 1 World Series from 1983-1997.

Carly Simon understood our frame of mind when she serenaded us with, “but you took away the channels we love and one of them was FOX 5. We had some dreams, they were clouds in our beer. Clouds in our beer and…you’re so vain. You probably think this song is about you. You’re so vain. I’ll bet you think this song is about you. Don’t you? Don’t you? Don’t you? Well, it is!”

Have a delicious, drunk, and safe Halloween, you Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown