TBB's Greatest Ballpark Moments

We are officially less than one month away from visiting our 25th ballpark together (3 of them decommissioned - Yankees, Shea, and RFK). Keeping that in mind, we decided to share with you our greatest moments at ballparks to date. First of all, it fits into this blog's supposed theme of baseball and secondly, it allows us to talk about us and how great we are. Our favorite topic.

• The first time we met Barry Zito. And Serena accidentally had him autograph his baseball card's plastic case instead of the card itself. Fail. 
• The first time we got a player's (not to be named) autograph and then later received an email from that player when he found our blog.
• The sausage sandwich at RFK Stadium.
• Lisa accidentally being lifted and coerced into crowd surfing across a sea of individuals scrambling for a foul ball.
• Erin on the jumbotron at US Cellular Field.
• Adam LaRoche threw us a ball. We're not exaggerating. He made eye contact and flipped the ball directly to us. We were the only ones standing in that area, so we know it wasn't meant for a child. 
• Johan Santana wished Lisa a happy birthday.
• Bernie Williams figurine night. 
• Erin, The Favorite, and us were featured on Bucks on the Pond at Citi Field, but we never received our winnings nor did we ever find our video. 
• The time we spent an entire Yankees game flirting with a player in the Athletics' bullpen only to find out later via The Google that he was only a bullpen catcher that had apparently only seen one inning of real MLB action. 
• US President Abraham Lincoln grabbed Serena's ass while visiting RFK Stadium. Sure, he was a mascot president, but he was still one of our country's greatest leaders and it was an honor to receive an ass grab from him.
• The first time we met Mr. Met.
• Huston Street obliged us by stopping his pre-game activities  at Yankee Stadium to pose for a photo at our request. 
• David Ross invited us to his cookout after the game. 
• We ate Derek Jeter's face. Allow us to specify. His face was on a cookie. We never found the bakery again. We think it might be in Narnia through the magical wardrobe. 

Next week, we'll bring you our list of worst moments. We'll give you a hint. There'll be side boob, mascot mishaps, and so much more. 

Dazed and Uninspired

Well friends we knew this day would come it was just a matter of time. It seems that the TBB have hit a block in the road and what we mean is we don’t know what to blog about. It’s just that we are so uninspired lately with what’s going on in the baseball world. This years World Series match up really took a toll on us. Don’t get us wrong we could sit here and type up amazing stories about how hilarious we are and the epic things we have done, but they would all be unrelated to baseball and would that be fair to you our fans who look to us for our wise intel on baseball. No it wouldn't it probably would just make you mad and jealous that you can’t hang out with us.  

We will give you an example of just how unmotivated we are. Last night with full intentions to blog we did the following:

• Got beer
• Hit up the dollar menu at McDonalds
• Laughed at some people on Facebook.
• Drank the beer while watching Iron Man 3
• It is after Iron Man 3 that Serena closed her laptop down realizing we were not going to blog.
• Watched the cat be an a-hole
• Thought we heard an intruder washing the dishes.
• Watched this week’s episode of The League while drinking more beer.
• Lisa went home.

 Now we know everyone can relate to holding things off for Robert Downey Jr and his oozing hotness in Iron Man 3. That is a legit distraction but the rest is just unacceptable and we apologize. This brings us to today. Serena is busy training to be Master Yogi Jedi and Lisa is busy baking treats in her kitchen to pay the rent but has time to give you this quick solo blog. With this is all happening we are still unable to come up with a baseball related topic that would consist of more then one sentence and seem interesting enough to hold not only your attention but ours enough to write it. Perhaps you guys could help us. Is there a topic that we have yet to cover that you’d like to know our asinine opinion on? Maybe you want us to write a letter to your favorite baseball player concerning an issue that’s bothering you? A Best and Worst list of (insert topic)? We will take any suggestion to get our writers block going. So feel free to comment on what topic you would like us to cover and if we like it enough it will be next week’s blog post .Then you can brag to all your friends that your idea was a topic on this amazing blog. Just think of how many facebook likes you will get on that status.

We do have some baseball related news so all is not lost. The New York Mets on Friday have officially declined Johan Santana’s option on his contract. This made Lisa very sad but Serena tried to make Lisa feel better and clarified that it was a good business decision on the Mets part. It still hurts. Lisa’s Santana jersey will hang lonely in her closet until she can find an acceptable Met that deems worthy of being displayed on her back. Also being declined like a friend request from a Facebook stalker is Barry Zito. The Giants have declined the 2014 contract options on him this week. Both pitchers had their ups and downs with their teams but they always remained ever classy and we wish them the best of luck on all future endeavors.

The Yankees have re-signed the Captain golden boy Derek Jeter for one year at $12 million. Like no one saw that coming. As you all know Derek is Lisa’s friend in her head so she was happy for him. Serena rolled her eyes.

Yours truly,
Lisa 

You People Don't Even Know Us

You may recall that during the offseason, we gave you a quiz to see how well you knew us. The answers to all of the questions were available for you to look up on the world wide web. They could've been found on the blog, our Facebook page, OR our Twatter feed. This is not complicated shit, people. Yet, overall, you scored an underwhelming 40% on this quiz. How do you fail open book test? It takes a special kind of stupid to accomplish that. You did NOT graduate from TBB University. You will NOT be the next Pussycat Doll. Let's talk about this quiz and where you all went wrong. Unfortunately, the database that created this quiz does not tell us which questions you struggled with, only your final scores, therefore we'll break down each question.

First question:
What was our first out-of-town baseball stadium?
Your options were Safeco Field, PNC Park, Oriole Park, Citizen's Bank Park, or RFK Stadium. The correct answer is RFK Stadium. Do you know how simple it is to find the answer to this question? Literally scroll to the top of the blog, click "MLB Stadiums," search through the blog posts of our visited stadiums, and find which post has the oldest date. That's it. This was a no fail situation.

Next question:
Which TBB has blonde hair?
The correct answer is Serena. Yes, folks, she currently has dark brown hair and lately, she's been sticking to that color, but deep down, Serena is a natural blonde. Lisa may DYE her hair blonde, but under no circumstances is she a natural blonde. You HAD to have known that, right? LOOK at us. Which of us seems more likely to a natural blonde? Do you really look at Lisa and think she might actually have blonde hair without dye assistance? Shame. On. You.

#3:
Which TBB favored Coors Field above all other stadiums? Serena, Lisa, neither, or both?
Again, this was a no fail situation. All you had to do was scroll to the top of this blog and select, "Rank Em'!" We each rank and talk about all of the stadiums we've visited (with the exception of last year's visits...mostly because we're lazy and forgot). The correct answer is Lisa.

#4:
Who is Lisa's Forbidden Love? Joey Votto, David Wright, Cole Hammels, or Derek Jeter?
Ok. We'll admit that it's totally understandable where you could've gotten confused on this one. The answer is Cole Hammels as Lisa is a Mets fan and Hammels pitches for the hated Phillies. It's like a one-sided version of Romeo & Juliet. Like Juliet stalked the crap out of Romeo and Romeo ran away in terror. Where could you find the answer to this question? Scroll to the top of this blog and click, "TBB Cronies & Lingo." Voila.

#5:
Which TBB hates mayo? Lisa, Serena, or we both hate mayo?
The correct answer is Serena. This is something we have discussed at length regularly...on our blog, Facebook page, AND Twatter feed. When Serena's food is accidentally served to her with mayo on it, she has to cover it with a napkin because the sight of mayo disgusts her so much.

#6:
What was our first out-of-town free giveaway? Chicago Cubs license plate frame, Jack Cust bobblehead, Angels baseball hat, Mount Rushmore poster, or Teddy Roosevelt bobblehead?
Correct answer: Teddy Roosevelt bobblehead. Remember how you found the answer to our first out-of-town baseball stadium? You would've found the answer to this question the same way. Oh, and side note: we never got a free Angels hat. Lisa was given that heinous hat by The Favorite. Reading is fundamental.

#7:
Who is Winkie? The cat we adopted together from the North Shore Animal League, one of AJ's cats who tried to suck the breath from Lisa, Serena's family pet, or the imaginary cat we adopted with AJ Burnett?
For starters, without referencing the precise locations of the answer on this blog, if you knew Serena at all, you'd know that she'd never have a cat as a family pet. Secondly, we've clearly referenced AJ's cats sporadically on this blog and on Facebook as Thundercat and She-Ra. Thirdly, we have imaginary relationships with a TON of professional athletes and celebrities. It's like one giant imaginary orgy. OBVIOUSLY, we'd have an adopted imaginary pet with one of them. The precise locations of this answer can be found in both letters to AJ Burnett, "TBB Lingo & Cronies," and there's a photo of him on Facebook in one of our albums. Probably "Wall Photos."

#8:
Which New York baseball team boasts the best sausage sandwich? The Mets or Yankees?
Correct answer: Yankees! Where did you learn this tid bit of information? Back in the day when the former Yankees Stadium and Shea Stadium were still our home team venues (and back when this blog was still a virgin), we talked about how Shea Stadium had the better hot dogs and Yankees Stadium had the better sausage sandwiches. Which probably explains why Lisa finds more guidos at Yankees games than at Mets games.

#9:
Who is Serena going to leave Justin Morneau for? Barry Zito, Chris Cornell, Aaron Rogers, or Justin Verlander?
While the answer to this question is not stated outright anywhere on the blog, it can be determined through basic deductive reasoning by visiting "TBB Lingo & Cronies." There, you will see that Barry Zito is Serena's Future Ex-Husband #1 and Chris Cornell is Serena's Future Ex-Husband #2. Therefore they can't POSSIBLY be the correct answer to this question (you know why, right? Do we have to explain to you that the reason is that both of these men came BEFORE Justin?). Of the remaining choices, who is the man that we talk about incessantly on this [baseball] blog? Justin Verlander.

#10:
Which player did Lisa forget to hand a pen to when asking for an autograph? Brad Ziegler, Huston Street, Barry Zito, or Matt Cain?
Barry Zito. Where did you learn this? In our letter to Barry Zito regarding his offensive moustache. Side note: we do not have autographs from Huston Street OR Matt Cain.

#11:
Which TBB is obsessed with mini-doughnuts? Lisa or Serena?
Lisa. This obsession stems from our trip to San Francisco's Pier 39 and has been referenced in the PETCO Park and Target Field blog posts, as well as on the "While You're in Town" page.

#12:
Who is the player we refer to as the "Big Texan?" Roger Clemens, Roy Oswalt, Josh Hamilton, Andy Pettitte?
Seriously, if any of you got this question wrong, you deserve a dick punch. It's a borderline weekly Facebook post. We're not even going to give you the right answer because if you don't know it, shame on you and your house!

#13:
Which TBB can quote the entire script of Willow? Lisa or Serena?
Which TBB has the mentality of a 5 year old boy? That's basically all you needed to ask yourself to figure out the answer to that question, but if you needed a little help, all you had to do is go to the "Meet Serena" page and see that one of her favorite things is the movie Willow.

#14:
At what stadium did we witness major side boob? "Old" Yankees Stadium, Citi Field, Citizen's Bank Park, or Dodger Stadium?
Yankees Stadium. You could've figured this out by reading any of these stadiums' blog posts.

#15:
Where did Lisa get roofied? And then turn around and accidentally roofie Serena? New York, Philly, Minneapolis, Oakland, or Milwaukee?
Minneapolis and you could've found this information had you read about our recommendations for good time in Minneapolis on our "While You're in Town Page."

In conclusion, you suck. And you're still not getting a poll.

Erin and The Favorite are coming to town this weekend. Serena will be going to Sunday's Yankees game with them (she'll cover the out of towners' first Yankees Stadium experience for the blog separately) and then on Tuesday, we'll be escorting the duo to Citi Field (also to be covered on the blog).

This week's baseball notes:
RA Dickey's been struggling with his new team, sporting an over 4 ERA (closer to 5, to be quite frank) and a 2-3 record. He attributes the issues to ongoing shoulder and back problems, which has caused him to throw his knuckleball slower. He is expected to get an MRI on the problem areas in the near future.

Also set to get an MRI is Kevin Youkilis, who continues to suffer from a stiff back. We're confident that MRI results will show an enormous stripper pole jammed up his rectum. Remind us again why the Yankees signed him? They could've signed Eric Chavez to hold down the fort at third until AROD's return for half off and they would've had a bad ass third baseman in the process. Now they have a tool box that looks like a cracker jack at third when he does play and rides the bench with a stiff back the rest of the time. What. Purpose. Does. He. Serve? Except to annoy the ever the loving crap out of Serena.

We Got A Lot Of Snow...& Our Pants Are On

Last week, we asked if you wanted us to post video of the different stages of burpees and it turns out that unanimously, our blog audience wants video of us performing the four stages of burpees: Bitch Burpees, Midway Burpees, Spartan Burpees, and OUR Burpees. We will grant you this wish, but not now. We are too sore and broken from shoveling snow for close to four hours yesterday.

We had intentions of writing about the Cupid Undie Run today, BUT we were nailed by Blizzard Nemo (or whatever the f*ck they're calling it) Friday into Saturday and the race was canceled. It was a good thing too because we were still shoveling our cars out yesterday at 1:00 in the afternoon, which was when we were supposed to be at the Brass Monkey registering and preparing for the race. It's been postponed until next Saturday, so we promise to make it up to you. This means we're going another full week without beer or wings. This is the definition of torture. We thought it was watching Giants football this year, but no. We were wrong. Torture is defined as "Beer & Hot Wing Drought." Anyway, we'd film our burpees next week, but we're planning on being drunk after the race, soooo attempting burpees at that juncture is probably not the best idea. We will video for the following week. Don't worry, we WILL post pictures of the race and MAYBE some video clips. The video will NOT feature our asses jiggling, however. We have too much pride for that. We are excited to report that together, our team "Can You See My Knickers?" raised $525 for The Children's Tumor Foundation! Pretty sure that means that we're awesome.

Baseball Notes:
The Seattle Mariners and Felix Hernandez agreed to a 7-year deal this week worth $175 million. When will teams learn that signing a pitcher (or a catcher) to 7 years or more is completely asinine?

Red Sox prospect, Bryce Brentz, didn't make it on the list of non-roster invitees to Major League camp, not because he sucks at playing ball, but because he's a raging idiot. The 24-year old outfielder accidentally shot himself in the leg recently while cleaning his handgun at his home...in Tennessee. OF COURSE, he lives in Tennessee.

Has anyone seen Tim Lincecum's new look? According to Ryan Vogelsong, "he looks 12 now instead of 15." We couldn't agree more. Hopefully, chopping off his hair doesn't do to his pitching what chopping off Samson's hair did to Samson's strength. Apparently, Timmy's been getting some life advice from Barry Zito since Zito's got experience coming back from failure, which is what Timmy will attempt to do this season after a lukewarm performance in 2012. Ummm...does Timmy realize that it took Zito like, 5 years to figure sh*t out???? Why doesn't he just stick to the regiment we gave him at the start of the All Star Break last year? If he starts rocking a comb-over and porn-stache because of Zito, we're flying to San Francisco and f*cking sh*t up. We will singlehandedly shave that stache off and draw a French moustache on Barry Zito's face in permanent black marker. We are NOT joking. We are not to be trifled with.

PS - Joel has STILL not signed up for the Spartan Race at Citi Field. Win.

Our Dearest Timmy

We discussed our own version of a New York Old Timer’s Team last week. It’s quite clear that we’d have the most legendary nursing home ever to grace the planet Earth. And we’d be the nurses in charge, meaning we wouldn’t have to change any bed pans. In the spirit of that blog post, we asked if you’d be down for an Old Timer’s Day if your team doesn’t already have one. Surprisingly, no one voted for, “I hate old people. Senior citizens belong in the nursing home.” We’re shocked because you guys tend to vote for the a-hole choices and that was definitely the a-hole choice available to you. 4 of you chose, “Yes! It’s bad ass and they’d probably give me a better game than the young pricks I watch now.” This is most definitely true. Listening to Paul O’Neil run around the field with a mic on was infinitely more entertaining than watching Alex Rodriguez do nothing at the plate and continue to frustrate Serena’s fantasy offense numbers. Selfish penal implant that he is. There are fantasy team owners counting on him! Doesn’t he care???


Onto more important matters. What is the malfunction with Tim Lincecum these days? He has a win-loss record of 3-10 and his ERA is 6.42! WTF? Meanwhile, in Pittsburgh, AJ F*CKING Burnett has a record of 10-2 and his ERA is 3.68. It’s like Hell has frozen over and any day now, we’re going to see pigs flying. There’s only one thing that can be done to right this Titanic of a situation and that is to write a letter. It’s come to our attention that our letters may quite possibly have magical powers.  Observe: Daniel Murphy had a f*cked up moustache and was suffering from a major slump at the plate. We wrote a letter. The offensive stache is gone and now Murphy’s hitting again. AJ Burnett was a giant asstastic f*ck up in Pinstripes, but following two break-up letters from us and a departure for Pittsburgh, he has managed to reach the All Star Break with a better record than a Cy Young Award-winning pitcher (our favorite Cy Young Award-winning pitcher). Clearly what Timmy is in need of is a letter written to him by his #1 fans and best friends in the whole wide world: us. Who are we to deny him this necessity?

Our Dearest Gum Drop Timmy,

What up, mother f*ckaaaaa! Whatcha been up to? How’s it hanging? How’s mom doing? Dad? The dog? Still recovering from St. Patty’s? That was a sick night, bitch. Murphy really f*cked up by going to spring training instead. He missed a happening good time. *Cyber High-Five*

We’re doing okay. We did some beach yoga yesterday. You would’ve loved it. You could’ve gone swimming with Serena afterwards because, as you know, Lisa doesn’t swim. She would’ve waved to you from the shoreline and called for help if you were attacked by a shark…unfortunately, Serena would’ve left you splashing in a frothy pool of your own blood. She loves sharks, but she’s not stupid. Survival of the fittest and all that. But don’t worry. Lisa TOTALLY would’ve dialed 911.

ANYWAY, the real reason for our letter. It seems to us that you’re feeling a bit down. Do you have a very bad illness that you’ve decided not to tell us about? We can handle it, ya know. We want to be there for you. Are you depressed? Are you going through a severe break up? This would be slightly alarming to us seeing as how you’ve never mentioned a girlfriend, but we’d still be there for you to get you through this tough time. The reason why we’re pestering you with all of these probing questions is that we’ve been noticing that you’re pitching…well…how do we say this without hurting your feelings? You’ve been pitching like an a-hole. A real hairy a-hole. We just checked your stats and a very detailed chart on ESPN.com informed us that you have an 18.90 ERA against the Washington Nationals. In fact, your ERA from this afternoon’s game is 16.20. How the F*CK does someone manage that? How is this even mathematically possible? How bad of a game do you have to throw in order for this to be your legitimate stat? Lisa can throw a more effective game than that and she makes the equivalent to the cost of a hot dog compared to you. Seriously. She’s also never played baseball before. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Obviously, something is going on here and it’s deeper than just messed up mechanics because in the three games that you DID win, you were the dominant Timmy of old! It’s clear that no one cares about you like we do because no one has done anything to fix this. Is Barry Zito too busy working on his comb over or conjuring up some other fashion disaster to spend a little time with you to get your head straight? Thank GOD you have us in your life. Where would you be without us? We hate to do this to you, but we have no choice to put you on a strict regiment to get you back on track. We don’t like acting like dictators, but you’ve really put us in a bad spot here. Going forward, your week will look like this:

Monday:

·   Smoke weed.

·   10 cents wings and $4 draft beer at an ale house of your choosing (we understand that it may not be physically possible for you to travel to New York every week to hang out with us at Croxley’s). Bonus points for finding an ale house that serves cheaper wings and draft beer. That gets you a *Cyber High-Five*

·   Fall asleep in starfish pose in the middle of your living room wearing nothing but your underwear.

Tuesday:

·  Smoke weed.

·  Attend a zumba or belly dancing class.

·  Taco Bell. Order and eat a minimum of $15 worth.

·  Release your inner pirate. Wear an eye patch while sipping on Captain Morgan.

Wednesday:

·    Smoke weed.

·   Participate in a session of a yoga type of your choosing.

·   Eat a bag of Oreos.

·   Watch a How I Met Your Mother marathon.

·   Contemplate the Cecilia Venn Diagram. In your case, it’s probably more like the Barry Zito Venn Diagram.

·   Enjoy a cigar and a glass of scotch for your hard work today.

Thursday:

·    Smoke weed.

·    Beer pong.

·    Practice your inversions in the middle of the freeway. If you can dodge a car, you can dodge a ball. More importantly, if you can find inner peace upside down in a sea of fast-moving vehicles, than you are on the path to enlightenment…or some sh*t like that.

·    Over-order Domino’s Pizza online and only eat half of it because you’re full. Just remember to order before 2 am because they close.

Friday:

·   Smoke weed, immediately followed by a shot of Jameson.

·   Run through town in your boxer shorts, screaming your head off that you’re being chased by zombies. This is your cardio. Embrace it.

·   Eat a Twinkie.

·   Prank call Barry Zito several times from different phone numbers. If you can accomplish 6 prank calls without him realizing it’s you, you’re still on the path to enlightenment. We recommend that you start off with, “Tom Selleck called. He wants his moustache back.”

Saturday:

·  Smoke weed.

·  Attend a cardio-kickboxing class with the Fit Fem.

·  Find out who that lady is who had been escorted onto the field following Matt Cain’s perfect game. Text the TBB the answer.

·  Eat spicy noodles or Pad Thai with a side of Thai fried rice.

·  Since you’ll feel slightly dehydrated, make yourself a margarita (only use Patron or else you’ll get a headache and all of your training will be for nothing), wear a sombrero, and stick a fake moustache on your upper lip. If you can drink your cocktail without your fake moustache falling off, you’re so close to enlightenment that you’re practically making out with it.

·  Go to bed early because you need to rest up for your big day tomorrow. Wear your sports bra and yoga pants in order to ensure adequate REM sleep.

Sunday:

·  Smoke weed.

·  You might be feeling a little nervous and dehydrated, so you’ll want to throw back a shot of Café Patron.

·  Pitch a perfect game.

·  Call the TBB to thank them for their sound advice.
·     *Cyber High-Five*

In conclusion, follow this strict regiment EXACTLY as we’ve dictated it and you shall return to the game bigger and better than before. EXACTLY as we’ve dictated it. Do not vary it in any way shape or form. Do not do Monday’s tasks on Friday or you’ll mess everything up…and get herpes. Remember, we know what’s best for you and we’ll look forward to being escorted onto the field when you throw your perfect game.


Oh, and before we forget, it should be noted that you shouldn’t drink water after midnight for you will turn into a gremlin…actually, come to think of it, you’re better off being safe than sorry. No water. Just booze.


Kiss Noise.


Sincerely,
Your Traveling Baseball Babes/Life Coaches


PS -
See you on August 14^th for Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day!


Now for our A-hole of the Week. This week’s a-hole is Dustin Pedroia for saying, “I’m a lizard. I heal while I play. I’m a freak healer. I heal great.” No. You’re an asshat and you look like a hairy crypt keeper. Thank you for playing. Have a nice day. Our TBB Super Hero of the Week is Sean Rodriguez of the Tampa Bay Rays for playing this prank on teammates, James Shields and David Price.


Next weekend, we regret to inform you that the TBB will be taking their own All Star Break. Unfortunately, we won’t be doing anything as fun as hitting home runs, chasing mascots, or frolicking around the base paths. We’ll be partaking in bridal party duties for two totally separate weddings. Maybe if you’re lucky, we’ll post a drunk photo or two from our respective parties, but we doubt it. We’re ugly drunks.

Dear Murphy – Part 2

Last week on the Traveling Baseball Babes, you met some of MLB’s hottest wives and their ugly counterparts. We asked which ugly man had the hottest bitch. Of 4 votes (apparently this post didn’t appeal to you so much), 2 of you felt that Brett Tomko’s former Playmate was the hottest. Honestly, we feel that you probably Googled her and got the same message we did: “These images contain graphic content that may explode your hard drive and include naked pictures of women with donkeys.” WE didn’t proceed with checking those images out because while we’re curious, we fear for the safety of Serena’s internet machine and let’s face it, if we’re going to risk hard drive safety, we’re going to do for David Beckham or some male equally as hot, if not hotter (if there is such a creature). 1 person chose Russell Martin’s bitch and 1 person chose Brad Penny’s menagerie of bitches. No one chose Johnny Damon’s.  

Before we continue with the rest of today’s post, we’d like to announce a new feature to our blog. As you know, we currently have a spot for the TBB Super Hero of the Week. Going forward, we’ve decided to add another spotlight: TBB A-hole of the Week. This week’s a-hole is none other than the King of A-holes, Roger Clemens. On the flip side, our Super Hero of the Week is Jim Thome for smashing his 13^th career walk off home run in the Phillies’ 7-6 victory over the Rays yesterday. The 13 walk off home runs are a major league best…in history.

We know we promised you a follow-up Subway Series post this week, but we are unable to deliver on this promise. It’ll have to wait until next week. For starters, we had a really busy week (helloooooo, Fred K’s Cancer was on Saturday!) and second of all…we kind of forgot…until last night. Because we forgot, we never set up a date with our Subway Series rival fans. We’ll make it up to you, we promise. Until then, we have something better for you. A post about a moustache.  Has anyone seen Daniel Murphy yet? He has grown an offensive moustache. It’s truly terrible. It’s worse than Barry Zito’s porn-stache, which is pretty hard to top. Observe:

It’s become quite clear that Murphy needs our help, so we decided to write him a letter. He needs friends like us to tell him the truth because the Mets’ clubhouse is apparently made up of liars.

Dear Murphy,

How are you? It’s been awhile. We’ve missed you. St. Patrick’s Day was not the same without you. We had an awesome time. You would’ve enjoyed the Guinness hats we stole. You probably could’ve driven us to Taco Bell that night instead of making us go to bed hungry and in utter disarray. But we understand. You had spring training. We get it.

Since we’re such BFF’s, we feel that we can tell each other everything. We’re basically in the Share Circle 24/7. Like that time that Lisa had spinach in her teeth? And you told her? Before she took that picture? That was super awesome of you. And then that time you told Serena that her ass was getting bigger and that she shouldn’t wear yoga pants anymore? That was really enlightening as well. It is in this aspect that we’re writing this letter. Since our friendship is based on honesty, we feel that it’s necessary we tell you this. We would’ve done it in person, but you’ve been a no-show every Monday night at Croxley’s for the last few months. It might have something to do with the fact that your team is usually playing around the time we’re there, but once in awhile, Murph, c’mon. Show face. It’s us. Your besties. Do us a solid.

Back to the situation at hand. It’s come to our attention via the MLB FanCave that you are sporting a caterpillar on your upper lip. By this point, being friends with us should’ve educated you on what proper and acceptable facial hair looks like and that moustache, good sir, is NOT what proper and acceptable facial hair looks like. You look like a Peeping Tom. Or a child with a fake moustache on. Take your pick as to which simile you prefer. Since our friendship began, we’ve written a total of 4 posts regarding attractive manscaping: Exhibit A, Exhibit B, Exhibit C, and Exhibit D. It’s sh*t like this that makes us think you don’t read our blog. That’s hurtful. We watch YOU play. We even supported you at the team shop at Citi Field when they put your St. Patrick’s Day merchandise on the clearance rack…in August. We insisted that they pull those red tags off and charge fans full price. Because that’s what friends are for. Yet you can’t take two minutes out your busy day to read our blog once a week? If you had, you would have realized that what you’ve grown is an abomination against mankind.

We’ll forgive you if you meet us at Croxley’s for beer and wings with that crap shaved off your face. If you show up with that creep-stache, we’re going to punch you in the balls and then dump our beers over your head, which you’ll have to pay for because you’ve upset us.

We understand that you may have grown attached to this feather boa that lays nestled beneath your nose and therefore, you may not be so willing to part with it. Allow us to ease your concern. For starters, in exchange for your shave, you’ll get to hang out with us. Why is this a consolation prize? We’re funny, have big boobs, we’re very, very funny, we’re the cherry of awesomeness on top of your awesome sundae, we have boobs (which are fun in any size so we’re told), and we’re going to be running in a zombie apocalypse 5K in October. Secondly, when your lips are feeling naked and exposed, you can always draw a moustache on your finger and hold it up to your lips. This is especially flexible because it’s temporary AND you can sport different styles of moustaches to suit your mood. It’s totally versatile. Finally, if inking your finger doesn’t appeal to you, there’s always the beer bottle moustache. As you can see, the beer bottle moustache allows you the comfort of having the moustache without the trouble of needing to shave it off. Plus, it’s f*cking hilarious. In a good way. Your current moustache is hilarious in a bad way. In a way that makes us point and laugh at you. We’re not trying to be mean here, Murph. We’re just trying to be honest. We’re just looking out for you like you’d look out for us. You’re never going to get laid with that look and as your wing women, it’s our duty to get you laid.

Please don’t throw in our faces that we like to wear moustaches as a defense for that bullsh*t that rests beneath your nose. We do not have real moustaches and the moustaches we pretend to rock are just funny. See the previous paragraph regarding the difference between funny and not funny moustaches.

You’re so lucky to have friends like us. Love you. Miss you. Kiss noise. See you at Croxley’s.

Sincerely,

Besties for Life, the Traveling Baseball Babes

PS-first round at Croxley’s is on you…you make more money than we do

PPS-Lisa wants to know if you’re coming out for her birthday. You still haven’t RSVP-ed. It’s bad enough that you missed Serena’s birthday in Atlantic City. Serena had to smoke your cigar and we had to cancel your spa appointment last minute and because it was so last minute, our credit card got charged. Please do make every effort to attend Lisa’s soiree. It’s the least you can do. Oh, and don’t you dare show up with that dirt smudge on your face.

PPPS-Barry Zito called. He wants his moustache back.

Italian Sausage

Last week, Serena was solo (hence, the word “vagina” being used twice without any sort of quality control). MLB had begun its campaign for the All Star Game already, so Serena asked how you guys voted. 5 people said that they sit with the ballot and carefully think about each option before selecting the player they deem most appropriate. 2 individuals said that the use The Force. No one said that they pick the most popular players (in fact, they don’t know why that they’re not allowed to still vote for Ken Griffrey Jr.) and no one didn’t understand question and wouldn’t respond.
  

You might be wondering about what today’s blog theme is about. Italian sausage? Really? Are they talking about food AGAIN. Well…sort of. While watching last night’s Yankees game against the Royals, Alex Rodriguez stepped up to the plate. Here’s how our conversation went:

Lisa: Wow, he’s got some big thighs.

Serena (smacking her own chunk-tastic thighs): The curse of third base.

(Rodriguez adjusts his man-junk area)
Lisa: And apparently so is his junk.
Serena: Ya know, he looks like he’s huge.
Lisa: Yeah. He looks like he’s hung.

This got us thinking…who ELSE looks like he’s packing heat? In defense of this topic, they do have lists of baseball’shottest girlfriends/wives. Why can we cover…sausages? Disclaimer: we should note that we’ve never seen ANY of these private male parts that we’re discussing. This is strictly opinion.

For example, we’re pretty sure that Albert Pujols has a baby’s arm in his pants. In fact, to quote Lisa, “he probably has to roll it up in order to tuck it into his cup.” Wish we took video of this demonstration. At one point, she flung “it” over her shoulder and wrapped it around her leg. We’d go so far as to assume that Pujols is the biggest in the league. Hall of Fame worthy. We’re also confident that Brian Wilson is hung, BUT he has his beard in his pants, which is a serious problem. It’s like a thick, wooded area without civilization that will take you at least 45 minutes to find your way out of. Truly terrifying. The only way it could get scarier is if it was red. Other men that we’ve decided are well-endowed are Joe Mauer, Ryan Howard, CC Sabathia (he looks like a f*cking grizzly bear), Mike Jacobs (even though he’s no longer playing), Brian McCann, Tim Hudson, Matt Holliday, and unfortunately, Carlos Beltran. This might be the only thing that Beltran has going for him because his personality sucks and so does mole. Oh, yes, AND his taste in music.

We briefly discussed one of New York’s Golden Boys (TOWSNBN).
Lisa: I don’t think he’s long, but…
Serena: I think he’s stocky…
Lisa: YES!
Serena: Like his body…
Lisa: EXACTLY!
To clarify, stocky=girthy.

Now for the boys we think have more of a string bean in their pants than a sausage. We’re thinking that New York’s OTHER Golden Boy, Derek Jeter, has a long, but thin noodle…just based on his body. A long, lean noodle. Unfortunately, we think that our honorary TBB, Tim Lincecum, might be small as well. He just looks like he physically couldn’t handle carrying around a Louisville Slugger in his pants. He’d topple over and royally f*ck up his delivery to the plate. Other players that we think are small are Matt Cain, Cole Hamels (and this truly does pain Lisa to think this), Josh Beckett, Dustin Pedroia, Ichiro Suzuki (he’s probably built like Mr. Chow), Jeff Franceour (we’re sad to admit this), and Jose Reyes. Lisa would like to issue a challenge to Hamels to prove to her that he doesn’t have a small Twinkie.

There were a few that we couldn’t decide on. Jayson Werth, for one. He could easily go either way, but he may smell…down there. Like a men’s lockerroom. Justin Verlander is hard to tell also, but we think he probably smells nicer…down there. NOT like a men’s lockeroom. David Ortiz seems like he’s either enormous or really small. Other unknowns: Joey Votto, Josh Hamilton, and Barry Zito. Barry Zito’s a big boy, but he’s rocked a comb-over. A comb-over may indicate a small taquito. That’s just two girls’ opinions.

Huston Street belongs in the average sausage category, but he knows how to work it. We once sat in the left field bleachers at the old Yankees Stadium and watched his warm up. Trust us when we say that “the hips do not lie.” That man can do things with his body that no man can do. There are women (us included—and Serena practices yoga) who cannot do what Huston Street can do.

In non-sausage related news, the TBB have decided to run in the Runyon 5K at Yankees Stadium in August. We get to run the warning track. How bad a$$ is that? We probably would’ve done ANY 5K being held at a baseball stadium within driving distance, but it’s a bonus that it’s taking place at one of the New York stadiums. Here’s a brief background on our running capabilities: Serena ran her first 5K last week at the Bronx Zoo. While running 3.1 miles isn’t something that Serena isn’t physically capable of completing relatively easily, she has the attention span of a toddler. In fact, at the Bronx Zoo, the only reason why Serena finished without running off to look at the monkeys is that she ran the entire thing with her cousin, Sara, a cross-country runner. Now we’re going to be running through a stadium, a course that includes being on the field. We’re probably going to lose Serena to the Yankees dugout or bullpen…or closest hot dog stand. Lisa has never run in any sort of race whatsoever. She HAS chased after the ice cream truck and from a creepy dog walker at Shea Stadium though. Once in awhile she runs on the treadmill at the gym, but she certainly can’t claim to enjoy it. It’s a long, tedious mile. What is exciting for Lisa is the prospect that there may be a lot of fit guidos present at this event (seeing as how most guidos in New York are Yankees fans). Perhaps these guidos can run in front of us and Lisa can run after them. One of them can carry a hot dog and a beer and that will be motivation for Serena. Stay tuned for the blog post following that event.

The big baseball note effecting New York this week is the crap with Mariano Rivera. While shagging balls in the outfield during batting practice (not even an actual game), Rivera twisted his knee. Ouch. An injury like that to a player as old as Rivera immediately makes people think that this is it. He’s not coming back. His career is over on a bull sh*t injury. Not so fast. Rivera insists that he’s coming back for 2013, “not going out like this.”

Jered Weaver, another f*ck a$$ who spells his name wrong (and this is more offensive than Andruw since Brother’s name is JARED), pitched himself a no-hitter against the offensively ineffectual Twins this week. While it’s nice to have a no hitter under your belt, what’s it like to accomplish something like this against a team with the major league-worst record (7-18)? We actually had to double-take that statistic there. 7-18??? SEVEN? They’ve only won seven stupid games??? That’s friggin’ AWFUL. Their terrible record actually outshines Weaver’s accomplishment. His no hitter is a backhanded compliment. We’re not even sure it should count. That’s like pitching no-hit ball to the Bad News Bears.

Closing things out with Adele today: “Oh, rumor has it. Oh, rumor has it. The rumor has it that Pujols is rolling up his sausage from the floor.”

Rain Out

So Serena found Guido-Fest 2012 near Yankees Stadium last week and asked if you thought Lisa would ditch the May 19^th Yankees game to spend the rest of her days rubbing up against guidos. Only 2 of you bothered to reply and both of you agreed that Lisa will not be leaving Guido Mecca ever. This means that Serena will be attending the Yankees game alone…which is kind of sad and pathetic. Is there anyone out there that would be willing to sit for a full 9 innings with Serena and eat hot dogs? Maybe drink a little beer? No one seems to think that Lisa will be so overwhelmed by the onslaught of fist pumping that she’ll literally combust and need to be escorted from the bar.

Allow us to share with you our Sunday evening. There is no baseball. It’s pouring out, so we can’t even walk to the bar like we’d planned. Though technically, Serena has more booze in her fridge than food, so we’re not sure why we’d even need to bother going to a bar. We’ve just wasted several hours being sucked into the Real Housewives of New Jersey marathon instead of blogging. Serena turned off the television when the Real Housewives of Atlanta’s Reunion special came on in an effort to promote a more efficient work environment. Now all we hear is the pitter patter of the rain on the roof and Lisa’s complaints that Serena took away her only happiness by turning off the television.  Even as Serena types this, Lisa is still muttering about the Real Housewives and how she’s definitely going to watch “Don’t Be Tardy for the Wedding.” This has turned into an all too depressing affair of hoodie sweatshirts and listening to sad, poetic music like “Sometime After Midnight.” There is one funny factoid about tonight’s rainout that makes us laugh and that is the fact that since Roberta’s entire fantasy lineup is made up of the New York Mets and Yankees, she had no one to start today and Lisa’s “The Asstastic Bunch” finished Week 3 out by demolishing the Riverdale Rebels. Insert evil, victorious laugh.

Now we’re drinking hot tea, which is less sexy than sucking down a cold one at The Main Event and perhaps chowing down a tasty burger. Such a lame Sunday.

For just two minutes, let’s talk about Barry Zito. We’re flabbergasted. Where in the hell does he get off pitching like a jack wagon for all these years and then suddenly pull out of his ass a complete game shut out? What’s even more confusing is that the performance was apparently not a fluke! He’s continuing to perform up to his contract…so far. He pitched a solid 7 innings in his second start and 5 innings in his last start against the Mets on Friday night. He has an ERA of 1.71 in 21 innings pitched with 10 strikeouts. What is happening here? What in the hell did he do in this offseason that is so different from past offseasons that he’s now able to pitch again? We know he got married and we know that at this wedding, he sported a comb-over. Is married life really treating him this well? What is his wife made of? Beer and hot wings?? Oh, wait, no. That’s what OUR husbands are going to taste like…she probably tastes like sugar and spice and everything nice.

This weekend was the celebration of Fenway Park’s 100^th birthday. How did the Red Sox commemorate this occasion? By sucking the fat one. And we mean fat. How do you blow a 9-run lead in the 7^th inning? How? That’s worse than anything we’ve ever done and let us tell you, we’ve done some pretty stupid sh*t. Well…you know. You’ve read all about it on this blog. In conjunction with its birthday celebration, we’ve been seeing a lot of brouhaha on television and in the paper about why Fenway is so great. Its nostalgia, history, blah, blah, blah. And it’s all true. It is a great piece of history. However, if you’ve read our post about our visit to Fenway, you’ll know that we think that the stadium needs a face lift. Particularly in regards to seating and comfort. It seems that we’re not the only ones with this attitude toward Fenway. Rays’ designated hitter, Luke Scott described the stadium as a “dump,” which is way more terrible than anything that we ever said about the place. Scott meant it in regards to a facility to work at as a ball player, but nevertheless, the comment ruffled a few feathers. We’ll take it one step further. Fenway is an unattractive ballpark and we’re sorry, but it’s not the best old-time stadium. Wrigley Field is. It has retained its historic, nostalgic feel, while updating certain amenities for the comfort of their fans, AND it’s a cute mother f*cking stadium! It’s flippin’ adorable! It’s like being transported to another planet! Another planet called Wrigleyville! Going to Fenway is like being transported to a green warehouse where you may or may not become the victim of a mafia hit.

In addition to the Red Sox’s anal raping that took place yesterday, Phil Humber threw the 21^st perfect game in MLB history against the Mariners in the White Sox 4-0 victory. He managed to do this while only throwing 96 pitches.

AJ Burnett…remember him? Our ex? Well, that douchenozzle left us and the Yankees to perform like he’s Iron Man for the Pirates!! Today, he tossed 7 scoreless innings, allowing 3 hits, and recording 7 strikeouts. Thank you, Mr. Burnett, for being absolutely useless to us in New York. We really appreciate it. Best wishes on your future endeavors, you a$$hat. Burnett became the first Pirates pitcher since 1907 to pitch at least 7 scoreless innings and record 7 strikeouts. Either the Pirates are really that god awful to have such a pitiful history or Burnett is now a legit super hero with super powers. Or it’s a combination of both. Time will only tell. Stay tuned for further rantings on this subject.

In the highly intelligent words of Melissa Gorga, “The Red Sox are on display, on display each and every day, every day. Bobby V. is waiting for them to win, but they keep on crawling, and people keep hating on them, hating on them.”

Comb-Overs Are Always Terrible

Lisa gave you her account of Mets Opening Day last week and in keeping with that theme, she asked if you thought she should paint her car orange and blue to proudly fly her Mets’ colors. 4 of you thought that she should if she was such a big Mets fan. In close second, 3 of you felt that she should only do it if she allowed me to paint an orange dinosaur on the hood of the car. Truly, I’m touched. I really appreciate that. You must have the upmost confidence in my artistic skills if you’re promoting this. She likes the sissy, non-violent dinosaurs, so I think I’ll paint a brontosaurus. 1 person said no because she’s clearly crazy and doing this will just prove it. That’s just rude, good sir. You’re completely ruining this for me. If she listens to you, I won’t be able to paint a brontosaurus on her car. You’re so selfish.

Briefly touching upon a few baseball notes from around the league, what the hell is up with Barry Zito? He gets married, decides to rock a comb-over like some creepy pedophile, and now suddenly he’s throwing complete game shut outs?? Where the hell have you been, Barry? Did you wake up one morning and say to yourself, “holy sh*t, I’m getting paid a crap ton of money not to do anything! No wonder people hate me. I should probably try pitching again.” Well, if this isn’t a fluke, welcome back. Now fix your goddamn hair. On the other hand, another Bay Area pitcher is not faring as well. The Giants received the news that closer Brian Wilson may need season-ending Tommy John surgery.

The Red Sox put Jacoby Ellsbury on the 15-day DL for a shoulder injury he suffered on Friday. Bad news for Lisa’s Asstastic Bunch (because as you know, I could really give a crap about the well being of the Red Sox).

That’s all for now, folks. I’ll be posting about Yankees Opening Day later. Like after a nap. Cos’ I’m tired. And this took a lot out of me.

-Serena

Forbes’ Top Ten

We’d been thinking about a potential career change and since we care so much about your opinion, we asked for your feedback. Since it was a tie, you haven’t helped us at all. Good job. When asked if you thought we should quit stadium touring and become professional MMA fighters, you people couldn’t make a decision. Now we’re stuck between “Oh, for crissakes, no. You’ll be killed” and “Yes. You look bad a$$. You’ll totally win some matches.” What are we supposed to do with this? We suppose we’ll just go be strippers instead. Thanks a lot, guys. Miserable married corporate men will have the unfortunate experience of us dancing and twirling around a pole. If you think that sounds sexy, just be aware that while spinning on a pole, Serena actually squeals, “Weeeeeeee!” Kay? Does that still sound sexy?

This weekend, Forbes’ released its Top 10 Most Disliked Athletes list. The ranking is as follows:

1. Michael Vick
2. Tiger Woods
3. Plaxico Burress
4. Ndamukong Suh
5. Kris Humphries
6. LeBron James
7. Kobe Bryant
8. Terrell Owens
9. Alex Rodriguez
10. Kurt Busch

Some of this list is completely understandable. After all, Michael Vick should not have his current job. He’s a man who operated a dog fighting ring, killed dogs, served time in prison, and then was rewarded upon his release with a really awesome career. Most “reformed” criminals have trouble finding jobs at Walmart and yet this a-hole immediately gets his old job back. His entire salary should be donated back to the ASPCA. He’s a scumbag. Plaxico Burress, Terrell Ownes, and Kurt Busch are all total douchebags. We get it. Kobe Bryant? Sexually assaulted a woman AND an arrogant a-hole. Yup. We get it. What we can’t understand is why Tiger Woods is ranked higher on this list than a man who shot himself in the leg like an a-hole, a sell-out who abandoned his fans for extra money, and more importantly, a man who had sexually assaulted a woman. We’re not saying that Tiger doesn’t belong on this list, but his issue is sex addiction. Those women all wanted to have sex with him (for reasons that are unknown to us). Kobe forced himself on a woman. Why is he only #7?

Even more disturbing is Kris Humphries’ placement on this list at #5. The only reason you should dislike him is that you’re sick of hearing his name and about his a-hole ex-wife. In fact, instead of Humphries, Kim Kardashian should be on this list. She might not be a literal athlete, but she certainly sleeps with a lot of them. Humphries also spells his name wrong, but that’s not enough of a reason to rank him #5. Why is this man on this list in the first place? How could you have this much venom toward someone so unimportant? He’s literally a non-entity. Furthermore, why is he on this list higher than a man who sexually assaulted a woman AND LeBron James and Terrell Owens??? This has to be a joke.

Alex Rodriguez. Really? How could you possibly hate him more than say, oh, we don’t know…Ben Rothlisberger?? A man who raped not one woman, but TWO!!! We get that there’s animosity toward Rodriguez for his inflated salary (but really…how many other athletes are out there with grossly inflated salaries? Can we say Barry Zito? At least Rodriguez performs. What has Zito done for us lately besides attempt to bring back the porn-stache and rock a comb-over on his wedding day?), his high-profile relationships (wouldn’t you bang Kate Hudson if you had the chance?), and the whole steroids debacle (umm…what about Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens? They actually lied to a grand jury). But really? Top 10 MOST disliked? Really? More disliked than a rapist? The rapist isn’t even on this list!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Furthermore, Chad Ochocinco renamed himself after his jersey number. We’re not sure you can get more douchey than that. Why isn’t he on this list?

Alex Rodriguez’s personality is minimal. It’s like listening to a piece of Melba Toast speaking when he’s interviewed and as we stated earlier, Kris Humphries is a non-entity. You’ve eaten two spots on this list with men that are essentially space-wasters. Spots that could’ve been filled by a rapist and Douchey McDouchey. This list basically confirms how stupid the public is. They shouldn’t be allowed to vote for anything. Not for the All Star Game, not for the People’s Choice Awards, not for American Idol, and in all honesty, no one should be voting in the presidential elections. We’d be better off being run by British Parliament at this point.  

In other worldly baseball news, according to sources, there’s a chance that AJ Burnett could be sent to the Pirates. Did you just hear that? It sounded like angels singing. The Yankees still owe Burnett $35 million for the next two seasons, which is worth more than the cost of both of our cars combined and we’ve gotten more practical use out of our modes of transportation than the Yankees have gotten out of Burnett. On the flip side, the Pirates are seeking a veteran starter who can eat innings. Here’s the problem with the Pirates’ strategy here. Yes, Burnett is a veteran and yes, when his sh*t is on the money, he’s great and he’ll definitely eat up some innings for you. However, that being said, when the f*cker is in hot mess mode, you’ll be lucky if he survives two innings. Maybe removing him from the pressure of being in New York will help him. We’re not sure, but he needs to take his epic fails elsewhere.

Tom Brady’s sister (who we imagine looks like Tom Brady, only without a beard and with long, silky smooth hair as opposed to short) is engaged to Kevin Youkilis. What could be going so wrong in the Brady household that something this terrible would happen to the sister of Tom Brady? Youkilis looks like a crazed lumberjack. A friend of Youkilis said that, “he’s really lucky. She’s a really nice person…” Hell yeah, he’s lucky! Has he looked at himself in the mirror lately????

Jose Reyes’ locks went for $10,200 on eBay. This would normally be a disgusting and creepy situation that we’d make fun of, but the money was donated to the Make A Wish Foundation of South Florida, so it would be a little inappropriate for us to ridicule this.  

Finally, Chubby Bubby Miguel Cabrera reportedly shed 20-25 pounds to move back to third base for the Tigers. The End. End Scene. Close curtains. Exit theater.

In the fine words of Candlebox: “Now maybe, they didn’t mean to put you on that list. Now maybe, but they did it anyway. And now maybe, some would say that your life is sad. But you lived it anyway. And so maybe, and your friends they stand around and they watched you marry that whore as your reputation faltered to the ground. And then someday, even some of your friends voted, oh they voted you for #5…but you left them far behind. Now maybe, they didn’t mean to put you on the list, but they did it anyway. Now maybe, some would say you’re left with what you have, but you couldn’t stop the pain of beating a sex offender.”  

Facial Hair Around the League Strikes Back

After recounting our experiences with the worst (and best) things we’ve ever put into our mouths (at a ballpark) to date, we decided to ask you what you thought the worst thing we’ve put into our mouths (at a ballpark) was. 7 of you voted and the feedback appears to be split between two items: the Dodger Dog) and the $1 hot dog from Target Field. 4 of you voted for the $1 hot dog and 3 chose the Dodger Dog.

One year ago today, we brought to you our “Facial Hair Around the League” blog (you should know that we now have the Star Wars theme playing in the background as we type this, making this blog even more epic than usual). At first, we were concerned about how you’d feel about such an asstastic blog, considering it had very little to do with the actual sport of baseball and more to do with what we find attractive in the male species. However, you seemed to enjoy it very much. It was even featured on our Popular Posts blogroll for an extended period of time. That being said, we decided that we should bring you an updated edition of the aforementioned Facial Hair post as it’s quite clear that men have failed to take our advice seriously as there’s a repeat offender on our list. He’s a man who, no matter how often we beg, refuses to acquiesce to our request. More surprising is that there’s one man on this list who is typically the golden boy of 5:00 shadows. He apparently lost his goddamn mind this year.

Let’s start with the hot messes, shall we?

Jayson Werth. Is anyone really shocked that this a-hole is on our hairy sh*t list? He was featured on our original Facial Hair Around the League post AND we wrote him a personal letter asking him to do something about the horrendous decisions he makes when playing with razors. It appears as though moving to DC hasn’t helped things. What in god’s name is that? Lisa thinks she just saw a pigeon fly out of it. It’s disgusting. Just looking at it gives us lice. Lisa’s itchy.

Barry Zito. This is the most disappointing situation in the entire facial hair community. You might be asking yourselves why is this so disappointing? It’s just a moustache. No. It’s so much more than that. It’s the end of mankind as we know it. Forget 2012. Barry Zito’s moustache is going to kill us all. Once upon a time, Barry Zito could do no wrong with his facial hair (and pitching come to think of it. My, how things have changed). He sported everything from clean shaven (Lisa’s personal favorite), full beard, goatee, to varying degrees of the 5:00 shadow (Serena’s personal favorite) and he did it with impeccable grace. He was the poster child for how men should groom their faces. Then it all went terribly wrong at the start of the 2011 season when we noticed that he adopted a 1970’s porn-stache. Gentlemen, this is quite possibly one of the most offensive things you could possibly do to your face. What are you thinking when you decide to go with growing a black caterpillar beneath your nose? In Jayson Werth’s case, he just let himself go out of laziness. Or maybe when the full moon hits, he turns into a werewolf and eats people. Zito’s situation is so much worse because it was obviously pre-meditated as the rest of his face was clean shaven. He actually intended to look like Tom Selleck.  

Brian Wilson. We know that the beard is magical. We get it. We know that the hair and ridiculous bush on his face is all about exerting his independence. We get that he’s got “personality.” He’s not just a pretty face, ya know. We get that. Really. We do. However, at some point, you need to let that sh*t go. On the subject of 1970’s porn, Zito might have the stache, but Wilson is sporting the 1970’s porn bush. As in vagina. His actual hair is bad enough. Couple that with the porn bush and there’s not much else to say. Mr. Wilson, do you get laid? We have this theory that you’re hung like an elephant’s trunk, but jeez, guy. That’s only gonna get you so far and we can’t imagine a girl wanting to make out with you under those circumstances. Furthermore, how do you go down town with that crap on your face? Doesn’t it get in the way???

Will Rhymes. We’re not sure what’s happening here. Either this disaster was pre-planned (which is pathetic) or Rhymes is literally unable to grow a full beard. In those instances, gentlemen, please don’t bother growing the beard. Shave it. You look like a giant partial hairy a-hole when you’ve got bald patches and tufts of hair here and there. He looks like he couldn’t even commit to a moustache. He must have commitment problems because if you can’t even commit to growing a full beard, you can’t commit to one vagina. Plus, he must have body hair issues because why else is his neck so damn hairy whereas his face is like that of a baby’s bottom??? Friggin’ weird.

Now…onto the promising young chaps of the 2011 season

Brian McCann. If you’re going to go full beard, this is the way to do it. Aside from being a ginger, which is creepy, McCann has grown a mostly even beard and it’s well maintained. There are no stragglers, no wildlife emerging from the underbrush, no porn music, you can see his mouth clearly, and most importantly, last night’s meal didn’t get lodged there by mistake. If he could just not be a ginger, we’d be kosher with his look.

CJ Wilson. Good grief, this boy is smokin’ hot. Unfortunately, he’s crazy and sober, but that’s a whole other blog for a different day. This is how you do “extra” scruff without committing to an actual beard (or porn-stache). As you can see, Wilson is just at the precipice of sh*t getting out of hand. Another day or two and he’ll need to buzz it down so he doesn’t start looking like a beast. A beast with rabies. This is heaven. Maybe not so much for Lisa, but definitely for Serena. And despite the extra fur, even Lisa can admit to wanting to lick his face off. That’s how good Wilson looks. Men, take note. Meow. This kind of facial hair, when done well, could get you laid.

Justin Verlander. Ah. The “clean” version of the scruff. Like Wilson, Verlander is also sporting a 5:00 shadow of some sorts, only his is more on the conservative side. This is also sexy. With this look, Verlander exudes manly musk, tough and rough play, might pull your hair a little bit, masculinity, hotness, rip-his-clothes-off naughty yet, at the same time, remains controlled and hygienic. Like a true gentleman. Boys, invest in a buzzer as opposed to an actual razor. This way you can maintain a scruff without ever having to go clean shaven again.

Cole Hamels. Hamels is demonstrating how to do a “barely there” scruff. This is as close to Lisa’s clean shaven look as this particular blog post will permit. This is a look you want to go for if you don’t want to go clean shaven, but your woman doesn’t dig nuzzling up to fuzz. It’s what we call a compromise. You’ll still get laid and you get to keep some manly facial hair while your woman won’t bitch about your 5:00 shadow giving her a rash when she makes out with you. Serena doesn’t have much use for the clean shaven look, but even she admits that Hamels needs to be nibbled on, so you know that’s saying something. If you’re not sure what your girl likes, go with this until you find out more. It’s just like when you can’t figure out what color looks best on you, you go with the old reliable black shirt. It’s a no fail. Win-win.

Baseball notes:

According to a source, former Phillies’ closer Ryan Madson has signed a 1-year contract with the Reds that will pay him $6 million in 2012 with an $11 million option for 2013 that carries a $2.5 million buyout. The deal itself is on hold thanks mostly to Madson being on vacation and failing to schedule his physical. Farewell to the only Phillies player that Serena was willing to bang. Lisa’s Forbidden Love, on the other hand, is still with the Phillies’ organization.

Justin Verlander made an appearance on Conan O’Brien where the two men discussed Verlander’s pre-game rituals. Turns out, Serena and the Cy Young Award winner have more in common than we previously thought. Verlander said, “The night before, as you can tell by my amazing physique, I eat Taco Bell. Every night.” He even shared the specifics of his order: “Three crunchy taco supremes, no tomato, cheesy gordita crunch, and a Mexican pizza, no tomato.” We think Serena may have found her soul mate. Now all we have to do is get them to “serendipitously” meet. Perhaps at a Taco Bell. After carefully reviewing the video of this interview, it’s been decided that Justin Morneau has been demoted from Serena’s Future Husband to Serena’s Future Ex-Husband #3. Justin Verlander, on the other hand, shall now hold the title of Serena’s Future Husband.

Commissioner Bud Selig’s 2-year extension through the 2014 season was approved on Thursday night by MLB’s ownership. Not sure anyone really gives a crap, but there we have it.

Remember Johan Santana? Yeah, we kind of forgot he existed as well. The man’s been busy rehabbing in Florida from the surgery he had on his left shoulder. There’s a really long article on MLB.com that basically offered us no answers and included positive, negative, and uncertain feedback. Super helpful. The headline even leads us to wonder what the f is going on: “Mets See Rehabbing Left-Hander Johan Santana’s Tank as Half-Full.” Half-full? Really? The man’s been out for over a year now. He’s not even ¾ of a tank full yet? The Mets are hopeful for him to undergo a proper spring training and to be ready be for the start of the season, but we’ll see. Right now, it feels a little bit like Santana is the Missing Link. There are rumors he exists, but we haven’t seen any evidence of it yet. If the Mets are counting on him to be their savior this year, that is pretty scary.

Closing out this week with a little bit of classic MJ: “Shave it. Shave it. Jayson Werth, won’t you please shave it? Use a razor. It could be nice. It doesn’t matter if it’s disposable or not. Just shave it.”