How Did You Land This Bitch?

Okay, it’s becoming quite clear that you’re all going to die morons. We asked if you’ve ever been a wild life attack victim and 1 of you actually said that we were being ridiculous and from what you’ve heard, the snake wasn’t even that close to us. You even asked us to stop telling this story. Just stop right there you nit wit. You weren’t there. Until you experience the sight of a non-venomous version of the black mamba hissing and gliding its way across your trail AND a very, very angry, non-yogic rattlesnake being angry, you should shut your filthy mouth. Furthermore, the snake was close enough to us to be a threat. Lastly, you’re an a-hole. The end. 1 of you said that “yes, you were a member of an elite group of individuals. Not everyone can say that. It’s like being struck by lightning.” Serena’s pretty confident that this 1 person was Lisa. She continues to deny this.

You may have been able to guess what today’s post is about, but in case you couldn’t, we’ll enlighten you now: how the f*ck did some of these ugly bastards playing professional baseball land these hot bitches? Let’s start with Russell Martin, the couple we found to be most offensive. Martin’s girlfriend is Marikym Herviuex. Sounds ugly, right? Wrong. Check out this picture of her. If we looked like that, we’d walk around in our knickers 24/7 whether the public wanted us to or not. Have you people SEEN what Russell Martin looks like? Let’s put it this way, if we saw him at a bar and we were completely hammered and desperate for action, we still wouldn’t take him home. Note: if you don’t hear from us next week, we’ve returned to Harriman State Park and jumped off the mountain, having sufficiently destroyed our self-esteem looking at this woman in her lingerie.

CJ Wilson is dating super model Lisalla Montenegro. We should preface this slight rant by saying we would do terrible, horrible things in bed with CJ Wilson if we were given the chance because he’s ridiculously hot, however, he’s crazy. We never met him personally, but we don’t roll with people who don’t drink. How could you possibly trust a man that does not enjoy the taste of liquor on his lips? His straight-edged lifestyle also includes no drugs or promiscuous sex. All Serena heard from that interview was, “no sex.” No sex=no way in HELL would we ever go on a date with you. We don’t care how hot you are. In fact, if you’re that hot and we’re dating you and there’s no penetration, we’re either going postal or suicidal. How is it possible that two people as hot as Wilson and Montenegro aren’t f*cking like rabbits 24/7? If we had a man that looked like that and kept himself in that kind of shape, we’d never leave the bedroom. Screw getting up for work. What’s the point? Who needs food? Clothing? All of life’s basic necessities are worthless if you’re spending your entire life banging the crap out of your hot baseball man. We wish you the best of luck, Lisalla. May you never run out of batteries. Oh, god, we just realized something terrible. Not only is there a good chance Lisalla won’t get penetration before a ring is involved, but she’ll never experience the joy of drunk, messy sex. Fail. Fail. Fail.

Brad Penny is gross, yet this man managed to bang Alyssa Milano (who we still hate), Eliza Dushku, and Karina Smirnoff. Does this man have the biggest penis in history? What IS it about this man and hot ladies? In his case, it’s definitely not money. He’s not the highest paid baseball player in the league and these women are all quasi-famous and independently well-off. To top it off, Penny is also a d*ckhead, so it’s not his personality that’s attracting these bees to honey.

Johnny Damon literally looks like a chimp/caveman. His head is enormous and he’s a jack a$$ to boot. Plus, if we’re to be perfectly honest, we’ve seen little league softball players throw the ball farther than he can. Yet look at this picture of him and his wife (and that random comedian). She’s hot. He’s a disaster who probably throws his own feces. WTF? HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN? What was his big move that lured her into this trap? “hey, baby, allow me to drag you by your hair into my cave where I will bed you on my wooly mammoth bedspread. Me want woman. Grunt, grunt.” Hooooooooooootttttttt. What we always wanted in a man. We’ve been going to Croxley’s every week in hopes that some jerk will come over, grab us by our hair, drag us off the bar stool and into the parking lot to have his way with us.

Kevin Youkilis looks like Paul Bunyan, but despite this unfortunate genetic mishap, he still was able to convince this poor woman, Enza Sambataro, to marry him. He’s now engaged to Tom Brady’s sister, who isn’t entirely gross, but also is in no way shape or form comparable to Youkilis’ ex-wife. Did Sambataro wake up one morning and realize the mistake she made? We refuse to believe that Youkilis left her. LOOK AT HIM. LOOK. There is a Chia Pet on his chin. It’s a Chia Chin.

Brett Tomko is easily on the Top 10 Ugliest Dudes list (along with Kevin Youkilis). Please explain what in the hell a former Playboy model like Julia Schultz sees in someone that gross? She probably thinks of herself when they have sex. How else could you mentally bring yourself to be penetrated by someone like Tomko unless you’re thinking about how hot you are? Or some other hot dude that may have once rubbed up against? Or you’re actively having an affair while avoiding penetration with your ugly husband?

In conclusion, WTF?!

Baseball notes:

There are a few, but there’s only one that matters and that is Matt Cain’s perfect game. It’s the first perfect game in San Francisco Giants history and he did so by striking out 14 of the batters he faced. Here’s the video of the final play of the game. What remains is one last question that we know everyone is asking: who is this mysterious blonde woman being escorted onto the field? A lover, sister, girlfriend, wife, mistress, neighbor, personal physician, dog walker, side kick? Furthermore, how does one get escorted onto the field? We know how to get thrown OUT of places, but how do we get INVITED in? We could’ve been there right alongside Timmy and Mr. Porn-stache USA high-fiving and jumping and karate kicking and just having a great time celebrating Matt’s success. We could’ve thrown a pie in his face and taken him out for body shots afterwards. We would’ve paid for his shots because we’re really nice and he deserves it. Anything he wanted. Café Patron? A Lemon Drop shot? A Blow Job shot (AS IN AN ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE…we’re not into blondes, HELLO)? Sure, it’s a little girly, but it’s his night to shine and if he wants a girly shot, he’s entitled to a girly shot. But, no. No one ever invites us to celebrations. It’s completely baffling. We’re hilarious, for starters. Second of all, we’re very good at drawing moustaches on people’s fingers, and thirdly, if you don’t like being drawn on, we have bottle moustaches. OH! And fourthly, we can quote many hilarious movies in their entirety, such as Horrible Bosses, Couple’s Retreat, Wedding Crashers, Old School, Hangover, The Other Guys, and Elf.