How Did You Land This Bitch?

Okay, it’s becoming quite clear that you’re all going to die morons. We asked if you’ve ever been a wild life attack victim and 1 of you actually said that we were being ridiculous and from what you’ve heard, the snake wasn’t even that close to us. You even asked us to stop telling this story. Just stop right there you nit wit. You weren’t there. Until you experience the sight of a non-venomous version of the black mamba hissing and gliding its way across your trail AND a very, very angry, non-yogic rattlesnake being angry, you should shut your filthy mouth. Furthermore, the snake was close enough to us to be a threat. Lastly, you’re an a-hole. The end. 1 of you said that “yes, you were a member of an elite group of individuals. Not everyone can say that. It’s like being struck by lightning.” Serena’s pretty confident that this 1 person was Lisa. She continues to deny this.

You may have been able to guess what today’s post is about, but in case you couldn’t, we’ll enlighten you now: how the f*ck did some of these ugly bastards playing professional baseball land these hot bitches? Let’s start with Russell Martin, the couple we found to be most offensive. Martin’s girlfriend is Marikym Herviuex. Sounds ugly, right? Wrong. Check out this picture of her. If we looked like that, we’d walk around in our knickers 24/7 whether the public wanted us to or not. Have you people SEEN what Russell Martin looks like? Let’s put it this way, if we saw him at a bar and we were completely hammered and desperate for action, we still wouldn’t take him home. Note: if you don’t hear from us next week, we’ve returned to Harriman State Park and jumped off the mountain, having sufficiently destroyed our self-esteem looking at this woman in her lingerie.

CJ Wilson is dating super model Lisalla Montenegro. We should preface this slight rant by saying we would do terrible, horrible things in bed with CJ Wilson if we were given the chance because he’s ridiculously hot, however, he’s crazy. We never met him personally, but we don’t roll with people who don’t drink. How could you possibly trust a man that does not enjoy the taste of liquor on his lips? His straight-edged lifestyle also includes no drugs or promiscuous sex. All Serena heard from that interview was, “no sex.” No sex=no way in HELL would we ever go on a date with you. We don’t care how hot you are. In fact, if you’re that hot and we’re dating you and there’s no penetration, we’re either going postal or suicidal. How is it possible that two people as hot as Wilson and Montenegro aren’t f*cking like rabbits 24/7? If we had a man that looked like that and kept himself in that kind of shape, we’d never leave the bedroom. Screw getting up for work. What’s the point? Who needs food? Clothing? All of life’s basic necessities are worthless if you’re spending your entire life banging the crap out of your hot baseball man. We wish you the best of luck, Lisalla. May you never run out of batteries. Oh, god, we just realized something terrible. Not only is there a good chance Lisalla won’t get penetration before a ring is involved, but she’ll never experience the joy of drunk, messy sex. Fail. Fail. Fail.

Brad Penny is gross, yet this man managed to bang Alyssa Milano (who we still hate), Eliza Dushku, and Karina Smirnoff. Does this man have the biggest penis in history? What IS it about this man and hot ladies? In his case, it’s definitely not money. He’s not the highest paid baseball player in the league and these women are all quasi-famous and independently well-off. To top it off, Penny is also a d*ckhead, so it’s not his personality that’s attracting these bees to honey.

Johnny Damon literally looks like a chimp/caveman. His head is enormous and he’s a jack a$$ to boot. Plus, if we’re to be perfectly honest, we’ve seen little league softball players throw the ball farther than he can. Yet look at this picture of him and his wife (and that random comedian). She’s hot. He’s a disaster who probably throws his own feces. WTF? HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN? What was his big move that lured her into this trap? “hey, baby, allow me to drag you by your hair into my cave where I will bed you on my wooly mammoth bedspread. Me want woman. Grunt, grunt.” Hooooooooooootttttttt. What we always wanted in a man. We’ve been going to Croxley’s every week in hopes that some jerk will come over, grab us by our hair, drag us off the bar stool and into the parking lot to have his way with us.

Kevin Youkilis looks like Paul Bunyan, but despite this unfortunate genetic mishap, he still was able to convince this poor woman, Enza Sambataro, to marry him. He’s now engaged to Tom Brady’s sister, who isn’t entirely gross, but also is in no way shape or form comparable to Youkilis’ ex-wife. Did Sambataro wake up one morning and realize the mistake she made? We refuse to believe that Youkilis left her. LOOK AT HIM. LOOK. There is a Chia Pet on his chin. It’s a Chia Chin.

Brett Tomko is easily on the Top 10 Ugliest Dudes list (along with Kevin Youkilis). Please explain what in the hell a former Playboy model like Julia Schultz sees in someone that gross? She probably thinks of herself when they have sex. How else could you mentally bring yourself to be penetrated by someone like Tomko unless you’re thinking about how hot you are? Or some other hot dude that may have once rubbed up against? Or you’re actively having an affair while avoiding penetration with your ugly husband?

In conclusion, WTF?!

Baseball notes:

There are a few, but there’s only one that matters and that is Matt Cain’s perfect game. It’s the first perfect game in San Francisco Giants history and he did so by striking out 14 of the batters he faced. Here’s the video of the final play of the game. What remains is one last question that we know everyone is asking: who is this mysterious blonde woman being escorted onto the field? A lover, sister, girlfriend, wife, mistress, neighbor, personal physician, dog walker, side kick? Furthermore, how does one get escorted onto the field? We know how to get thrown OUT of places, but how do we get INVITED in? We could’ve been there right alongside Timmy and Mr. Porn-stache USA high-fiving and jumping and karate kicking and just having a great time celebrating Matt’s success. We could’ve thrown a pie in his face and taken him out for body shots afterwards. We would’ve paid for his shots because we’re really nice and he deserves it. Anything he wanted. Café Patron? A Lemon Drop shot? A Blow Job shot (AS IN AN ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE…we’re not into blondes, HELLO)? Sure, it’s a little girly, but it’s his night to shine and if he wants a girly shot, he’s entitled to a girly shot. But, no. No one ever invites us to celebrations. It’s completely baffling. We’re hilarious, for starters. Second of all, we’re very good at drawing moustaches on people’s fingers, and thirdly, if you don’t like being drawn on, we have bottle moustaches. OH! And fourthly, we can quote many hilarious movies in their entirety, such as Horrible Bosses, Couple’s Retreat, Wedding Crashers, Old School, Hangover, The Other Guys, and Elf.

Facial Hair Around the League Strikes Back

After recounting our experiences with the worst (and best) things we’ve ever put into our mouths (at a ballpark) to date, we decided to ask you what you thought the worst thing we’ve put into our mouths (at a ballpark) was. 7 of you voted and the feedback appears to be split between two items: the Dodger Dog) and the $1 hot dog from Target Field. 4 of you voted for the $1 hot dog and 3 chose the Dodger Dog.

One year ago today, we brought to you our “Facial Hair Around the League” blog (you should know that we now have the Star Wars theme playing in the background as we type this, making this blog even more epic than usual). At first, we were concerned about how you’d feel about such an asstastic blog, considering it had very little to do with the actual sport of baseball and more to do with what we find attractive in the male species. However, you seemed to enjoy it very much. It was even featured on our Popular Posts blogroll for an extended period of time. That being said, we decided that we should bring you an updated edition of the aforementioned Facial Hair post as it’s quite clear that men have failed to take our advice seriously as there’s a repeat offender on our list. He’s a man who, no matter how often we beg, refuses to acquiesce to our request. More surprising is that there’s one man on this list who is typically the golden boy of 5:00 shadows. He apparently lost his goddamn mind this year.

Let’s start with the hot messes, shall we?

Jayson Werth. Is anyone really shocked that this a-hole is on our hairy sh*t list? He was featured on our original Facial Hair Around the League post AND we wrote him a personal letter asking him to do something about the horrendous decisions he makes when playing with razors. It appears as though moving to DC hasn’t helped things. What in god’s name is that? Lisa thinks she just saw a pigeon fly out of it. It’s disgusting. Just looking at it gives us lice. Lisa’s itchy.

Barry Zito. This is the most disappointing situation in the entire facial hair community. You might be asking yourselves why is this so disappointing? It’s just a moustache. No. It’s so much more than that. It’s the end of mankind as we know it. Forget 2012. Barry Zito’s moustache is going to kill us all. Once upon a time, Barry Zito could do no wrong with his facial hair (and pitching come to think of it. My, how things have changed). He sported everything from clean shaven (Lisa’s personal favorite), full beard, goatee, to varying degrees of the 5:00 shadow (Serena’s personal favorite) and he did it with impeccable grace. He was the poster child for how men should groom their faces. Then it all went terribly wrong at the start of the 2011 season when we noticed that he adopted a 1970’s porn-stache. Gentlemen, this is quite possibly one of the most offensive things you could possibly do to your face. What are you thinking when you decide to go with growing a black caterpillar beneath your nose? In Jayson Werth’s case, he just let himself go out of laziness. Or maybe when the full moon hits, he turns into a werewolf and eats people. Zito’s situation is so much worse because it was obviously pre-meditated as the rest of his face was clean shaven. He actually intended to look like Tom Selleck.  

Brian Wilson. We know that the beard is magical. We get it. We know that the hair and ridiculous bush on his face is all about exerting his independence. We get that he’s got “personality.” He’s not just a pretty face, ya know. We get that. Really. We do. However, at some point, you need to let that sh*t go. On the subject of 1970’s porn, Zito might have the stache, but Wilson is sporting the 1970’s porn bush. As in vagina. His actual hair is bad enough. Couple that with the porn bush and there’s not much else to say. Mr. Wilson, do you get laid? We have this theory that you’re hung like an elephant’s trunk, but jeez, guy. That’s only gonna get you so far and we can’t imagine a girl wanting to make out with you under those circumstances. Furthermore, how do you go down town with that crap on your face? Doesn’t it get in the way???

Will Rhymes. We’re not sure what’s happening here. Either this disaster was pre-planned (which is pathetic) or Rhymes is literally unable to grow a full beard. In those instances, gentlemen, please don’t bother growing the beard. Shave it. You look like a giant partial hairy a-hole when you’ve got bald patches and tufts of hair here and there. He looks like he couldn’t even commit to a moustache. He must have commitment problems because if you can’t even commit to growing a full beard, you can’t commit to one vagina. Plus, he must have body hair issues because why else is his neck so damn hairy whereas his face is like that of a baby’s bottom??? Friggin’ weird.

Now…onto the promising young chaps of the 2011 season

Brian McCann. If you’re going to go full beard, this is the way to do it. Aside from being a ginger, which is creepy, McCann has grown a mostly even beard and it’s well maintained. There are no stragglers, no wildlife emerging from the underbrush, no porn music, you can see his mouth clearly, and most importantly, last night’s meal didn’t get lodged there by mistake. If he could just not be a ginger, we’d be kosher with his look.

CJ Wilson. Good grief, this boy is smokin’ hot. Unfortunately, he’s crazy and sober, but that’s a whole other blog for a different day. This is how you do “extra” scruff without committing to an actual beard (or porn-stache). As you can see, Wilson is just at the precipice of sh*t getting out of hand. Another day or two and he’ll need to buzz it down so he doesn’t start looking like a beast. A beast with rabies. This is heaven. Maybe not so much for Lisa, but definitely for Serena. And despite the extra fur, even Lisa can admit to wanting to lick his face off. That’s how good Wilson looks. Men, take note. Meow. This kind of facial hair, when done well, could get you laid.

Justin Verlander. Ah. The “clean” version of the scruff. Like Wilson, Verlander is also sporting a 5:00 shadow of some sorts, only his is more on the conservative side. This is also sexy. With this look, Verlander exudes manly musk, tough and rough play, might pull your hair a little bit, masculinity, hotness, rip-his-clothes-off naughty yet, at the same time, remains controlled and hygienic. Like a true gentleman. Boys, invest in a buzzer as opposed to an actual razor. This way you can maintain a scruff without ever having to go clean shaven again.

Cole Hamels. Hamels is demonstrating how to do a “barely there” scruff. This is as close to Lisa’s clean shaven look as this particular blog post will permit. This is a look you want to go for if you don’t want to go clean shaven, but your woman doesn’t dig nuzzling up to fuzz. It’s what we call a compromise. You’ll still get laid and you get to keep some manly facial hair while your woman won’t bitch about your 5:00 shadow giving her a rash when she makes out with you. Serena doesn’t have much use for the clean shaven look, but even she admits that Hamels needs to be nibbled on, so you know that’s saying something. If you’re not sure what your girl likes, go with this until you find out more. It’s just like when you can’t figure out what color looks best on you, you go with the old reliable black shirt. It’s a no fail. Win-win.

Baseball notes:

According to a source, former Phillies’ closer Ryan Madson has signed a 1-year contract with the Reds that will pay him $6 million in 2012 with an $11 million option for 2013 that carries a $2.5 million buyout. The deal itself is on hold thanks mostly to Madson being on vacation and failing to schedule his physical. Farewell to the only Phillies player that Serena was willing to bang. Lisa’s Forbidden Love, on the other hand, is still with the Phillies’ organization.

Justin Verlander made an appearance on Conan O’Brien where the two men discussed Verlander’s pre-game rituals. Turns out, Serena and the Cy Young Award winner have more in common than we previously thought. Verlander said, “The night before, as you can tell by my amazing physique, I eat Taco Bell. Every night.” He even shared the specifics of his order: “Three crunchy taco supremes, no tomato, cheesy gordita crunch, and a Mexican pizza, no tomato.” We think Serena may have found her soul mate. Now all we have to do is get them to “serendipitously” meet. Perhaps at a Taco Bell. After carefully reviewing the video of this interview, it’s been decided that Justin Morneau has been demoted from Serena’s Future Husband to Serena’s Future Ex-Husband #3. Justin Verlander, on the other hand, shall now hold the title of Serena’s Future Husband.

Commissioner Bud Selig’s 2-year extension through the 2014 season was approved on Thursday night by MLB’s ownership. Not sure anyone really gives a crap, but there we have it.

Remember Johan Santana? Yeah, we kind of forgot he existed as well. The man’s been busy rehabbing in Florida from the surgery he had on his left shoulder. There’s a really long article on MLB.com that basically offered us no answers and included positive, negative, and uncertain feedback. Super helpful. The headline even leads us to wonder what the f is going on: “Mets See Rehabbing Left-Hander Johan Santana’s Tank as Half-Full.” Half-full? Really? The man’s been out for over a year now. He’s not even ¾ of a tank full yet? The Mets are hopeful for him to undergo a proper spring training and to be ready be for the start of the season, but we’ll see. Right now, it feels a little bit like Santana is the Missing Link. There are rumors he exists, but we haven’t seen any evidence of it yet. If the Mets are counting on him to be their savior this year, that is pretty scary.

Closing out this week with a little bit of classic MJ: “Shave it. Shave it. Jayson Werth, won’t you please shave it? Use a razor. It could be nice. It doesn’t matter if it’s disposable or not. Just shave it.”

We Don’t Handle Change Well

Now that we’ve announced our plans for our 2012 stadium tour, we asked you to tell us which trip you were most excited to read about. Of 5 votes, 3 of you chose Atlanta and 2 of you chose Toronto. No one seems to care about DC.

Now…on to the good stuff. So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good night, Jose Reyes! The self-absorbed shortstop signed a 6-year contract earlier this week with the Miami Marlins worth $106 million. According to King A-hole, uh, we mean, Reyes, he wanted to remain in New York, however “they didn’t make a real offer. So that means they don’t want me there.” The Mets offered a deal that is believed to have been worth 5 years and $80 million. Sorry, Reyes. This wasn’t about staying in New York. You wanted the money. Or dinero, if that helps you understand better. For the first time in years, the Mets made a good business decision. Reyes will probably play up to his potential during his first season just to show the Marlins that he wasn’t a mistake. In the following seasons, he’ll resort back to the laziness and I-Don’t-Give-a-F*ck attitude that he displayed in New York the last time he signed a big contract. Then in his 6^th and final year, he’ll play his so-called heart out and some other team will be stupid enough and excited enough to shoot their load and give him more money. Thank you, Mets for doing the right thing.

Another addition to the Marlins is Mark Buehrle, who might be leaving The Windy City, but isn’t going for a complete change. Buehrle will be reunited with manager Ozzie Guillen in Miami. Tired of waiting for Albert Pujols to make a decision, the Marlins pulled their offer and turned their sights on pitching. Hence, the addition of Buehrle. Buehrle’s contract includes a 4 years and $191 million. Hopefully, spending money like it’s going out of style pays off for the Marlins because paying for a new stadium and new roster costs a pretty penny and if this endeavor fails miserably, it’s just gonna get awkward and ugly.

David Ortiz will be returning to the Red Sox as their designated hitter. On Wednesday, Ortiz accepted salary arbitration which binds him to the team for at least another year. They’ll continue to work toward a multi-year contract potentially until February, but for now, Big Papi is at least returning for the 2012 season.

On Thursday, MAJOR changes went down. The Marlins may have stopped sweet talking Pujols in order to get him into the sack, but the Angels stepped right in and swept him off his feet! Pujols signed a 10-year, $254 million contract, making him the second highest paid baseball player in history and the third player to break the $200 million barrier. The Angels also signed pitcher CJ Wilson (who happens to be pretty darn cute) for a deal reportedly worth 5 years and $77.5 million.

The Diamondbacks dealt one of their top pitching prospects to the A’s in exchange for pitchers Trevor Cahill and Craig Breslow. Clearly, the A’s have decided to roll over and play dead this season, conceding the AL West to the Angels and hoping for a brighter future in the seasons to come.

What have the Yankees and Mets done? Absolutely nothing. Hooray!

Thanks in part to the number of changes that went down this week, it’s been pretty stressful for us. You can’t just dump all of this on us without any sort of preparation. You have to ease us into change! Ball players are so selfish sometimes.

The TBB’s 2011 Wish List

We hope that you felt stimulated and enlightened by our extensive research into the correlation between facial hair and World Series Championships. Since we presented you with all of the evidence that we could find, we wanted to know your thoughts on the matter. Do you think that naked lips can win championships? The response was perplexing. Of the 6 votes, 5 of you said, “Maybe. Though I’ve gotta be honest with you. I’ve been wearing a Mexican mustache from Party City for at least 2 weeks now and I’ve won nothing.” These results fascinate us to no end. For starters, a “maybe” doesn’t really tell us if we’re effective manipulators or whether we have a sound case or not. Second of all, how have you been able to keep these fake mustaches stuck to your lips for so long? We could barely get ours to last 15 minutes. What’s the trick? Only 1 individual replied, “No, we love creepy mustaches. The more the merrier.” That is a definite agreement with the case that we’ve built here. No one said yes, citing “Do you see any Yankees players walking around with creepy facial hair?”

Moving onto more stimulating matters. We’ve compiled a list of things we’d like to see happen in 2011. Sort of like an Amazon wish list, which is always great fun. The only difference is that unlike an Amazon wish list, there’s a very good chance that all of our requests will either be ignored or denied. Oh, wait. It’s exactly like an Amazon wish list.

1. Andy Pettitte comes out of retirement in time for Opening Day like Bruce Willis in Red…which pretty much translates to “like a bad ass.”
2. Serena’s ass does not remain big enough to raise the Titanic. Bet you those travelers wish Serena had been around when the boat struck the iceberg. She could’ve saved the lives of thousands.
3. Lisa scores a light up pen as a free giveaway…from any team really. She’s not picky. It could be from any of the stadiums we plan on visiting this year.
4. Several players disappear Jimmy Hoffa-style: Carlos Beltran, Manny Ramirez, Johnny Damon, Josh Beckett, Jonathan Papelbon, Jimmy Rollins, Andruw Jones, Chipper Jones (hm…seems like we have a strong aversion to anyone with the last name, ‘Jones’), and Oliver Perez.
5. TOWSNBN agrees to have his picture taken with Lisa (FINALLY), takes her on a date, and buys Serena shoes, a great white shark (a real one, not a BS toy or “adopted” one, to call her very own. She wants a tracking device planted on its dorsal fin so that she can check up on it routinely…okay, basically spend all day staring at its progression on a computer screen), and fun dinosaur t-shirts that make her laugh.
6. Roger Clemens sucks it up and just ADMITS that he took steroids.
7. Get our pictures taken with the mascots during our upcoming stadium tours without having to chase them down like creepy furry stalkers OR having to pay a retarded amount of money for them to visit us in our seats.
8. Our own television show that we can use as a platform to educate the MLB fans of America (and the five of you in Canada) on proper attire to be worn at games, facial hair etiquette (this applies to the athletes as well), and other important matters. For example: “Running out a groundball and what it means to your team.”
9. One of the following men will leave their wife for Serena: Chris Cornell, Justin Morneau, Mike Jacobs, or Jeff Francoeur.
10. We become DJ’s at Citi Field so that we can quality control all music that’s played when the athletes come to the plate so that we can avoid another Jeff Francoeur incident. Have no idea what we’re talking about? Read Serena’s letter to the Mets and recall how suddenly Francoeur became a Ranger. Coincidence? We think not!
11. All of Lisa’s stalking efforts is transitioned from TOWSNBN (who never really appreciated her enthusiasm anyway) to Joey Votto. She likes red better than orange anyway.
12. The TBB get to ride one of the floats in the World Series parade. Since it will most likely not be a parade celebrating the Mets and Yankees, we’ll be more than happy to take part in any parade…unless the Red Sox or Phillies win.
13. The books that Serena has written are published and featured in book clubs nationwide…with the exception of Oprah’s because she is evil.
14. We magically earn so much money that we’re able to create our own baseball team in Hawaii. They’ll be known as the Hawaiian Sharks.

The Rays officially introduced those jack wagons, Johnny Damon and Manny Ramirez at a press conference on Tuesday. Both players were signed to a 1-year deal. This is such a mind-f*ck of a decision. What a young, energetic, and underpaid team like the Rays needs with two elderly high-priced pieces of garbage is beyond us. PLUS, Manny is lazy and smelly! What the hell??
 
Rangers pitcher CJ Wilson spent the month in South Africa conducting the vacation that Serena’s been daydreaming of since the moment she saw Air Jaws televised on Shark Week (it should be noted that as of August 2010, Shark Week is up to Air Jaws III). While in South Africa, Wilson hunted for small sand sharks (which Serena finds offensive), enjoyed a 2 ½ day safari, during which he saw lions, rhinos, hippos, and elephants, and conducted two baseball clinics—one for 250 kids and the other for 72 elite South African baseball players, 8 of which were from the most recent World Baseball Classic team. What he DIDN’T do was go great white shark watching and while Serena has absolutely no desire to conduct a baseball clinic when she visits South Africa, she will not miss the opportunity to go great white shark watching because that shit is MAJOR.

As everyone has probably heard by now, Andy Pettitte “officially” announces his retirement today. We’d be pretty naïve if we thought he wasn’t going to retire, but still the news comes as a devastating blow. We’re not going to discuss it further because like a good ostrich, Serena has chosen to look the other way and pretend like it’s not happening. If she doesn’t see it, it’s not there. Mr. Pettitte, we will miss you and your stare down over the top of your mitt.

Before we leave you, we must do a little Fred K’s Cancer promoting. We’ve finally incorporated as a charity in New York State and have been issued an EIN, which allows us to open a bank account under Fred K’s Cancer, Inc. Very exciting stuff. We’ve starting blow up people’s inboxes and mailboxes with Fred K’s Cancer Save the Date flyers (email us if you’d like to join the Fred K’s Cancer mailing list. Include your email and/or mailing address) and Serena has begun the paperwork necessary to file for non-profit status. Do you have any idea how many pages the non-profit application is? It’s obscene. Therefore, Serena gets super hero honors this week. She deserves it. We don’t want to hear any complaining about it.

Closing out today’s blog old school-style with New Kids on the Block. “Step by step. Ohhh, baseball. Gonna be here soon. Step by step. Ohhh, baseball. Really want you to start right now. Step one: baseball is lots of fun. Step two: so many games to go to. Step three: it’s for Lisa and Serena to see. Step four: we hope the New York teams give us more! Step five: don’t you know the time has arrived?”

PS- We miss our little furry friends, Dancer, Rex, and Spanky. May they all frolic in Pup Pup Heaven with as many squeaky toys and doggy bones as they can handle.