You People Don't Even Know Us

You may recall that during the offseason, we gave you a quiz to see how well you knew us. The answers to all of the questions were available for you to look up on the world wide web. They could've been found on the blog, our Facebook page, OR our Twatter feed. This is not complicated shit, people. Yet, overall, you scored an underwhelming 40% on this quiz. How do you fail open book test? It takes a special kind of stupid to accomplish that. You did NOT graduate from TBB University. You will NOT be the next Pussycat Doll. Let's talk about this quiz and where you all went wrong. Unfortunately, the database that created this quiz does not tell us which questions you struggled with, only your final scores, therefore we'll break down each question.

First question:
What was our first out-of-town baseball stadium?
Your options were Safeco Field, PNC Park, Oriole Park, Citizen's Bank Park, or RFK Stadium. The correct answer is RFK Stadium. Do you know how simple it is to find the answer to this question? Literally scroll to the top of the blog, click "MLB Stadiums," search through the blog posts of our visited stadiums, and find which post has the oldest date. That's it. This was a no fail situation.

Next question:
Which TBB has blonde hair?
The correct answer is Serena. Yes, folks, she currently has dark brown hair and lately, she's been sticking to that color, but deep down, Serena is a natural blonde. Lisa may DYE her hair blonde, but under no circumstances is she a natural blonde. You HAD to have known that, right? LOOK at us. Which of us seems more likely to a natural blonde? Do you really look at Lisa and think she might actually have blonde hair without dye assistance? Shame. On. You.

#3:
Which TBB favored Coors Field above all other stadiums? Serena, Lisa, neither, or both?
Again, this was a no fail situation. All you had to do was scroll to the top of this blog and select, "Rank Em'!" We each rank and talk about all of the stadiums we've visited (with the exception of last year's visits...mostly because we're lazy and forgot). The correct answer is Lisa.

#4:
Who is Lisa's Forbidden Love? Joey Votto, David Wright, Cole Hammels, or Derek Jeter?
Ok. We'll admit that it's totally understandable where you could've gotten confused on this one. The answer is Cole Hammels as Lisa is a Mets fan and Hammels pitches for the hated Phillies. It's like a one-sided version of Romeo & Juliet. Like Juliet stalked the crap out of Romeo and Romeo ran away in terror. Where could you find the answer to this question? Scroll to the top of this blog and click, "TBB Cronies & Lingo." Voila.

#5:
Which TBB hates mayo? Lisa, Serena, or we both hate mayo?
The correct answer is Serena. This is something we have discussed at length regularly...on our blog, Facebook page, AND Twatter feed. When Serena's food is accidentally served to her with mayo on it, she has to cover it with a napkin because the sight of mayo disgusts her so much.

#6:
What was our first out-of-town free giveaway? Chicago Cubs license plate frame, Jack Cust bobblehead, Angels baseball hat, Mount Rushmore poster, or Teddy Roosevelt bobblehead?
Correct answer: Teddy Roosevelt bobblehead. Remember how you found the answer to our first out-of-town baseball stadium? You would've found the answer to this question the same way. Oh, and side note: we never got a free Angels hat. Lisa was given that heinous hat by The Favorite. Reading is fundamental.

#7:
Who is Winkie? The cat we adopted together from the North Shore Animal League, one of AJ's cats who tried to suck the breath from Lisa, Serena's family pet, or the imaginary cat we adopted with AJ Burnett?
For starters, without referencing the precise locations of the answer on this blog, if you knew Serena at all, you'd know that she'd never have a cat as a family pet. Secondly, we've clearly referenced AJ's cats sporadically on this blog and on Facebook as Thundercat and She-Ra. Thirdly, we have imaginary relationships with a TON of professional athletes and celebrities. It's like one giant imaginary orgy. OBVIOUSLY, we'd have an adopted imaginary pet with one of them. The precise locations of this answer can be found in both letters to AJ Burnett, "TBB Lingo & Cronies," and there's a photo of him on Facebook in one of our albums. Probably "Wall Photos."

#8:
Which New York baseball team boasts the best sausage sandwich? The Mets or Yankees?
Correct answer: Yankees! Where did you learn this tid bit of information? Back in the day when the former Yankees Stadium and Shea Stadium were still our home team venues (and back when this blog was still a virgin), we talked about how Shea Stadium had the better hot dogs and Yankees Stadium had the better sausage sandwiches. Which probably explains why Lisa finds more guidos at Yankees games than at Mets games.

#9:
Who is Serena going to leave Justin Morneau for? Barry Zito, Chris Cornell, Aaron Rogers, or Justin Verlander?
While the answer to this question is not stated outright anywhere on the blog, it can be determined through basic deductive reasoning by visiting "TBB Lingo & Cronies." There, you will see that Barry Zito is Serena's Future Ex-Husband #1 and Chris Cornell is Serena's Future Ex-Husband #2. Therefore they can't POSSIBLY be the correct answer to this question (you know why, right? Do we have to explain to you that the reason is that both of these men came BEFORE Justin?). Of the remaining choices, who is the man that we talk about incessantly on this [baseball] blog? Justin Verlander.

#10:
Which player did Lisa forget to hand a pen to when asking for an autograph? Brad Ziegler, Huston Street, Barry Zito, or Matt Cain?
Barry Zito. Where did you learn this? In our letter to Barry Zito regarding his offensive moustache. Side note: we do not have autographs from Huston Street OR Matt Cain.

#11:
Which TBB is obsessed with mini-doughnuts? Lisa or Serena?
Lisa. This obsession stems from our trip to San Francisco's Pier 39 and has been referenced in the PETCO Park and Target Field blog posts, as well as on the "While You're in Town" page.

#12:
Who is the player we refer to as the "Big Texan?" Roger Clemens, Roy Oswalt, Josh Hamilton, Andy Pettitte?
Seriously, if any of you got this question wrong, you deserve a dick punch. It's a borderline weekly Facebook post. We're not even going to give you the right answer because if you don't know it, shame on you and your house!

#13:
Which TBB can quote the entire script of Willow? Lisa or Serena?
Which TBB has the mentality of a 5 year old boy? That's basically all you needed to ask yourself to figure out the answer to that question, but if you needed a little help, all you had to do is go to the "Meet Serena" page and see that one of her favorite things is the movie Willow.

#14:
At what stadium did we witness major side boob? "Old" Yankees Stadium, Citi Field, Citizen's Bank Park, or Dodger Stadium?
Yankees Stadium. You could've figured this out by reading any of these stadiums' blog posts.

#15:
Where did Lisa get roofied? And then turn around and accidentally roofie Serena? New York, Philly, Minneapolis, Oakland, or Milwaukee?
Minneapolis and you could've found this information had you read about our recommendations for good time in Minneapolis on our "While You're in Town Page."

In conclusion, you suck. And you're still not getting a poll.

Erin and The Favorite are coming to town this weekend. Serena will be going to Sunday's Yankees game with them (she'll cover the out of towners' first Yankees Stadium experience for the blog separately) and then on Tuesday, we'll be escorting the duo to Citi Field (also to be covered on the blog).

This week's baseball notes:
RA Dickey's been struggling with his new team, sporting an over 4 ERA (closer to 5, to be quite frank) and a 2-3 record. He attributes the issues to ongoing shoulder and back problems, which has caused him to throw his knuckleball slower. He is expected to get an MRI on the problem areas in the near future.

Also set to get an MRI is Kevin Youkilis, who continues to suffer from a stiff back. We're confident that MRI results will show an enormous stripper pole jammed up his rectum. Remind us again why the Yankees signed him? They could've signed Eric Chavez to hold down the fort at third until AROD's return for half off and they would've had a bad ass third baseman in the process. Now they have a tool box that looks like a cracker jack at third when he does play and rides the bench with a stiff back the rest of the time. What. Purpose. Does. He. Serve? Except to annoy the ever the loving crap out of Serena.

What Would Make This Day More Special?

Sooo, you guys are no longer getting polls. Last week's poll was blantantly ignored and previous polls received minimal feedback. Congratulations. You get nothing and like it.

Stadium Tour Update: up until yesterday afternoon, we had almost nothing booked for a stadium tour that's taking place in two months. All we had was tickets to the stadium tours and the games. No plane to get us to and from St. Louis. No place to stay. No mode of transportation to get us to and from Kansas City. The worst part is that we didn't even realize that we haven't done anything until two days ago. So that's swell. Yesterday, Serena booked our hotel (the lovely Hilton St. Louis Downtown within walking distance of the stadium) and our rental car for the Kansas City trip. We still have no flights to get us to and from St. Louis, but at the very least, when we get there, we'll have a place to sleep. Win.

It's too early in the season for a "Facial Hair Around the League" post, but we assure you that when the appropriate day arrives, THIS is going to be addressed:

The Google/Bing is referring to this snazzy style as a "skullet." Whatever the f*ck that means. All this "do" seems to accomplish is make Bryce Harper look like an a-hole. He already IS an a-hole, but that doesn't mean you should LOOK like one too. Harper, we forbid you to continue taking shaving advice from Jayson Werth. The Nationals do not need 2 Missing Links playing for them. At this rate, the entire bad segment of facial hair blog post is just going to consist of Nationals players.

This week's baseball notes are riddled with injuries:
The big news is that Derek Jeter will most likely not be returning to action until after the All Star Break, which is later than initially anticipated. Turns out that Jeter had re-fractured his ankle and he'll be unable to resume rehab activities for at least 4-8 weeks.

The Nationals have placed Ryan Zimmerman on the 15-day DLbecause of a strained left hamstring. In his place, the Nats have called up prospect Anthony Rendon from Double-A.

The Indians have placed Brett Myers on the 15-day DL with elbow inflammation.

Kevin Youkilis has back problems, but who cares? From what Serena can tell, he's not that impressive of a first baseman. Perhaps if he removed the pole from his ass, his back would feel vastly improved. Shane Victorino is also suffering from back issues and at the very least, was benched for the first game of today's doubleheader.

A's Brett Anderson supposedly "feels a lot better" since being removed from his start in the first inning on Friday with a sprained ankle. Well, congratulations, Brett. Glad you're feeling "better." Your presence on Tigers Love Pepper has been entirely useless. He'll be evaluated before his next start, which is on Wednesday.

By the way, the answer to this blog title's question is if SpikeTV followed up Temple of Doom with Last Crusade. It certainly isn't Harper's skullet.

Yankees Opening Day 2013

April 1, 2013
Strangely enough, this year’s opening day experience felt like one giant “That’s What She Said” joke as opposed to an actual baseball game. I mean, I barely recognized the lineup that the Yankees fielded that day, one of the players sounded more like a brand of tomato sauce (Ben Francisco – FranCISCO, that’s fun to say!) and I had the privilege of staring at an a-hole play firstbase for most of the game. Plus, there were actual “that’s what she said” jokes being made throughout the entire day. The rumors are true. The joke does not get old. I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me start at the beginning.

The beginning of our story begins in Staten Island. Our ride needed to make a pit stop in Staten Island before heading to the game, so he dropped Jess and I off at a sh*t-hole diner in a really sexy part of Staten Island (said no one ever) for the better part of 2 hours while he gallivanted about conducting his business. Initially, the men working the diner seemed excited to have two young females with big boobs and all of their teeth walk in to their establishment. We even got free coffee out of the deal. However, after a solid 45 minutes of our personalities, our boobs weren’t nearly big enough to get away with our behavior. I’m not sure anyone’s boobs are big enough to be quite honest. When we were done eating, there was simply not enough to do at the diner to keep us occupied, so we settled for texting our ride incessantly like real f*cking a-holes:

“You said 40 minutes. It’s been more than 40 minutes.”
“A man with a hearing aid told us to be quiet.”
“Where is the closest tourist shop? Jess would like to purchase an ‘I love Staten Island’ t-shirt. Perhaps a snow globe of the Staten Island ferry.”
“Does Staten Island have WiFi?”
“There are a lot of construction workers in here. Is that common for Staten Island?”
“They want to know when our Uncle is coming to pick us up.”
(he actually laughed aloud at the last two)

When we were finally collected at 11:30, the guys at the diner practically threw a parade in our honor. I’ll admit that I’ve been inside quite a few female strip clubs and I assure you that I’ve never seen a happier group of men than these three guys when we exited the premises.

We apparently exerted a lot of energy acting like complete d*ckheads at the diner because Jess took a brief power nap on the way to the Stadium whereas I seemed to have temporarily blacked out because I have almost zero recollection of the drive. It was either incredibly uneventful or I’d been roofied back at the diner. On our approach to the Stadium from the Major Deegan, I managed to snap a few photos of the utter beauty that is the Bronx for you. I figured you’d enjoy it.

Okay, this photo isn’t so bad. It actually creates the illusion that Yankees Stadium is located in a lovely, peaceful location. It’s not.

Walking from the parking lot to the stadium, I had the fortune of needing to follow this fool:

Don’t you think it’s a little early to be jumping on this a$$ clown’s band wagon? Actually, I’m gonna go ahead and say that you shouldn’t EVER jump on this a$$ clown’s band wagon. EVER.

We settled into our awesome seats to wait for the pre-game ceremonies, which was a fairly difficult task for us since we were hungry…again. But we managed...with a touch of goofiness.

We (me) showed my Big Texan some love:

I can’t stress enough the awesome view we had of the CC Sabathia/Jon Lester matchup. It was amazing. Too bad the action sucked, as Brother would say, a bag of dicks. More on that later.

We held a moment of silence for Bob Turley, old time Yankee pitcher who’d died on Saturday.

The moment of silence for Turley, however, wasn’t nearly as heavy or sad as the league-wide moment held for the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School tragedy. I can’t speak for what other teams did, but the Yankees’ scoreboard showed a scrolling list of the names of the victims.

 

Former Rock of Ages star, Constantine Moroulis sang the National Anthem. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love Constantine. He’s an adorable, scruffy, dark-haired (yes, yes, yes) rocker boy (honestly, is there a man out there that can out-sex a rocker boy? No. I think not) that used to perform epic 80’s rock tunes on Broadway. I am pretty sure that I just described the ideal male. All this man needs is a cigar and a bottle of Johnny or Jameson. Having said that, I’m pretty confident that he invented his own lyrics to the National Anthem. I don’t know if I should be proud of his artistry or offended that an American citizen potentially doesn’t know the correct words to his nation’s Holy Grail of songs. 

One of Mamadukes’ favorite Yankees, Sweet Lou (Piniella) threw out the ceremonial first pitch. I actually got a snippet of video for you. I’m so proud of myself because it had been so long since I used the video feature on my camera that I actually forgot what I was doing and just pressed every button on the camera in hopes that I caught something…anything really. I was and am not picky.

Here’s the bad news about our seats. I had to look at this a-hole for most of the game:

Annnnnnd with Sabathia’s first pitch, we were off!

Literally. Jess and I were starving. We needed sustenance. We couldn’t possibly concentrate on baseball on a semi-empty stomach. Imagine. Listening to your Food Baby whine and jibber jab while trying to focus on Sabathia’s first performance of the season. Thankfully, a Premio sausage stand was two feet away from our seats. It was like Baby Jesus wanted us to be happy. And by Baby Jesus, I mean Joe Mauer, not the actual baby Jesus. The line at the stand was super short as well! BONUS! We might have to stare at an a-hole playing first all day, but we’d at least be feeding while we suffered. Fatty baseball food and booze can alleviate just about any pain.

Turns out, Baby Jesus was mocking us. This was the longest short line in the history of mankind. I’ve taken quicker showers than this line moved (as a reference point, I take such long showers that Brother has asked if I’ve managed to solve world hunger while in there). We each ordered a foot long hot dog, Italian sausage sandwich (hot for me, sweet for Jess) and a beer for $26.25/each. The amusing part of that order is when I ordered what I wanted, the woman asked, “Do you want to pay for this together?” Jess made a face and replied, “That’s HER order! I want the same thing though.” By the time we got back to our seats, it was already the top of the 2^nd inning. How long does it take you to fetch two already made sausages and hot dogs? This is what our food looks like together in all its glory:

And since you’re a bunch of perverts, here are the phallic photos of us eating our food:

We decided to take the sausage photo ourselves because of the creepy dude (who you can see in the background of the sausage photo) who enjoyed taking the hot dog photo WAY too much.
Creeper: “I’ll take another one if you want.” Winky face.
Jess: “Yeah, I’m sure you will.”

As for the Yankees, their Cracker Jack defense and Sabathia’s inconsistency gave up 4 runs. Fantastic. The offense, on the other hand, only accomplished picking their nose and flicking it at the Red Sox on the field.

Speaking of the Red Sox, Dustin Pedroia, his gross facial hair makes him look like “a little fur monger” (according to my notes on the game).

I feel it necessary to comment on our neighbor sitting in front of us because I’m a bitch. He was an international tourist enjoying his first baseball game. For starters, everyone could see his passport hanging out of his back pocket. He was basically begging to be robbed. This is the Bronx, not Uptown Manhattan. Secondly, he chose to drink Budweiser…the King of Beers. Coming from Europe, you’d think his taste in beer was better.  Lastly, he was a big fan of “Love Fool” by The Cardigans. Nevermind the strange situation that would prompt Yankees Stadium to play that song in the first place. This dude straight up jammed out to the song. There was an air guitar involved. Who does air guitar to The Cardigans?

Things continued to go downhill on the field for the Yankees. The jack wagon filling in for Mark Teixeira at first is apparently unable to field a bunt, which by definition makes him an a-hole. This is the man that’s supposed to be replacing Alex Rodriguez at third. AROD is a lot of things: pretty, fragile, dumb as a doorknob. At the VERY LEAST, the man can field his position properly. The Yankees really should’ve considered starting me in Tex’s place. I’m a borderline expert on bunting. In our seats, we had other issues:

It was around this time also that I was informed that my “breasts pay property taxes.” In case the joke is above your heads, it basically means that my boobs are so big, they’re a piece of property that warrants taxes to be paid on them.

In the top of the 7^th, Old Man Ed fetched us each a Lobel’s steak sandwich (FYI: $16) and a Stella (a lot of money for a beer…I don’t know. I didn’t pay). The Red Sox were winning by 5-2 at this point. Good times.

Jess’ neighbor was an enormous fan of 80’s music. Jess had to endure him singing along to every single 80’s song that Yankees Stadium’s PA system played. Not anything current though. Snoop was definitely not on his list of favorite songs. By the end of the game, Jess had had enough. “If he wasn’t so enthusiastic about the YMCA, I might’ve been able to endure Queen.”

With the Red Sox winning 8-2 in the 9^th, it was time for us to leave. In the car, we ate leftover munchkins and argued about who needed to charge their phone more.

Since I was the passenger, I got the task of plugging everyone’s charger into one outlet or another. The USB port for Jess’ iPhone proved most challenging:
“I can’t find the hole.”
“You need to get your head in there.”
“I still can’t find it!”
“Really get your head down there!”
“I can’t see! It’s too dark!”
“Did you get it in?”
“Oh, I found it!”
Yup. You guessed it. “That’s what she said.” It doesn’t get old.

Jingle Balls!!

Last week, we provided you an in-depth look into the future friendship between Serena and RA Dickey (which will now be long distance). We asked you if you felt that Serena and RA would make a great dynamic duo like Batman and Robin (Serena being Batman...OBVIOUSLY). 1 d*ckhead said no. Well, you suck balls. And you're probably going to get your way, which is extremely dissatisfying for us. 2 people said, yes because they're both nerds and 4 of you said that they should be friends as long as they let Lisa join in their reindeer games. Like that was ever in doubt.

It's that time of year again. That time where we butcher a well-loved Christmas song and post it here for you to enjoy:

Dashing through the off-season
in a V4 4-door sedan,
oh, to the bars we go,
laughing all the way (HA, HA, HA!).
Shots on losers' dime
make our spirits bright.
How unfun it is to watch our teams
waste money and die!

OH!
Jingle Bells, Youkilis smells,
RA got away.
Oh, how sad it is to ride in a New York open sleigh, HEY!
Jingle Bells, Youkilis smells,
RA got away.
Oh, how sad it is to ride in a New York open sleigh.

Anaheim got Josh,
Los Angeles got Zack,
and soon Flushing will be French
with David seated by his side.
The Bronx is lean and lank
at the hot corner spot,
they dipped too much in the bank
and that's why Ichiro got f*cked!

OH!
Jingle Bells, Youkilis smells,
RA got away.
Oh, how sad it is to ride in New York open sleigh, HEY!
Jingle Bells, Youkilis smells,
RA got away.
Oh, how said it is to ride in a New York open sleigh.

This week's baseball notes:
Shane Victorino apparently couldn't pick worse baseball teams to play for. First, the Phillies. Then, the Dodgers. Now, the cherry on top of the douchey team sundae. On Thursday, the Red Sox officially welcomed Victorino to Fenway Park. Victorino signed a 3-year contract worth $39 million. The Red Sox also recently resigned David Ortiz for 2 years, added Jonny Gomes, and possibly Mike Napoli.

Further south on I-95, the Yankees finally announced the signing of Kevin Youkilis to a 1-year contract worth $12 million. Are you freaking kidding us? What happens when Alex Rodriguez comes back from the DL? Are you not going to play Alex? You're paying him an awful lot not to play him. Eric Chavez signed with the Diamondbacks for a whopping $3 million. Who is running the Yankees' check book? They should've snatched up Chavez when they had the chance. He would've been a bargain. Plus, he's a kick a$$ third baseman AND not a douchebag! WTF? Additionally, the Yankees are toying with paying anywhere between $12 and $13 million to sign Ichiro Suzuki for another 2 years. Ichiro is WAY better than Youkilis and we're giving him less money?! Does that make sense? New York Yankees, give us a call, we'll handle your budget and balance your check book. We feel strongly that you're one mistake from receiving a $35 overdraft fee postcard from Bank of America.

Josh Hamilton has signed a crazy 5-year contract worth $125 million that includes a no-trade clause. It also fails to include any form of protection for the Angels should Hamilton fall off the wagon again. However, the Angels appear to be taking no chances. They've brought on board Shayne Kelly, Hamilton's mentor, to help keep Hamilton on the straight and narrow path.

We seem to keep getting closer and closer to watching RA Dickey fly north of the border. Apparently, a trade is in the works between the Mets and Blue Jays that involves at least 7 players and will send Dickey and Josh Thole to the Jays and Jays' top catching prospect, Travis d'Arnaud to the Mets. This trade supposedly involves 3 catchers, but we can't figure who the third guy is. All we know is that if this Travis fellow really does end up with the Mets, he will be henceforth known as "d'Frenchman."

With the holidays upon us, we regret to inform you that this will be our last blog of 2012. We'll see you again in 2013. Try not to weep too much. We'll post an oldie, but goodie next week to keep you company in our absence. We're accepting requests. Should we agree with your opinion, we'll post your request. Should we feel that your choice is stupid (and there's a very good chance that we will), we will pick another post that we deem suitable.

Happy Holidays!

How Did You Land This Bitch?

Okay, it’s becoming quite clear that you’re all going to die morons. We asked if you’ve ever been a wild life attack victim and 1 of you actually said that we were being ridiculous and from what you’ve heard, the snake wasn’t even that close to us. You even asked us to stop telling this story. Just stop right there you nit wit. You weren’t there. Until you experience the sight of a non-venomous version of the black mamba hissing and gliding its way across your trail AND a very, very angry, non-yogic rattlesnake being angry, you should shut your filthy mouth. Furthermore, the snake was close enough to us to be a threat. Lastly, you’re an a-hole. The end. 1 of you said that “yes, you were a member of an elite group of individuals. Not everyone can say that. It’s like being struck by lightning.” Serena’s pretty confident that this 1 person was Lisa. She continues to deny this.

You may have been able to guess what today’s post is about, but in case you couldn’t, we’ll enlighten you now: how the f*ck did some of these ugly bastards playing professional baseball land these hot bitches? Let’s start with Russell Martin, the couple we found to be most offensive. Martin’s girlfriend is Marikym Herviuex. Sounds ugly, right? Wrong. Check out this picture of her. If we looked like that, we’d walk around in our knickers 24/7 whether the public wanted us to or not. Have you people SEEN what Russell Martin looks like? Let’s put it this way, if we saw him at a bar and we were completely hammered and desperate for action, we still wouldn’t take him home. Note: if you don’t hear from us next week, we’ve returned to Harriman State Park and jumped off the mountain, having sufficiently destroyed our self-esteem looking at this woman in her lingerie.

CJ Wilson is dating super model Lisalla Montenegro. We should preface this slight rant by saying we would do terrible, horrible things in bed with CJ Wilson if we were given the chance because he’s ridiculously hot, however, he’s crazy. We never met him personally, but we don’t roll with people who don’t drink. How could you possibly trust a man that does not enjoy the taste of liquor on his lips? His straight-edged lifestyle also includes no drugs or promiscuous sex. All Serena heard from that interview was, “no sex.” No sex=no way in HELL would we ever go on a date with you. We don’t care how hot you are. In fact, if you’re that hot and we’re dating you and there’s no penetration, we’re either going postal or suicidal. How is it possible that two people as hot as Wilson and Montenegro aren’t f*cking like rabbits 24/7? If we had a man that looked like that and kept himself in that kind of shape, we’d never leave the bedroom. Screw getting up for work. What’s the point? Who needs food? Clothing? All of life’s basic necessities are worthless if you’re spending your entire life banging the crap out of your hot baseball man. We wish you the best of luck, Lisalla. May you never run out of batteries. Oh, god, we just realized something terrible. Not only is there a good chance Lisalla won’t get penetration before a ring is involved, but she’ll never experience the joy of drunk, messy sex. Fail. Fail. Fail.

Brad Penny is gross, yet this man managed to bang Alyssa Milano (who we still hate), Eliza Dushku, and Karina Smirnoff. Does this man have the biggest penis in history? What IS it about this man and hot ladies? In his case, it’s definitely not money. He’s not the highest paid baseball player in the league and these women are all quasi-famous and independently well-off. To top it off, Penny is also a d*ckhead, so it’s not his personality that’s attracting these bees to honey.

Johnny Damon literally looks like a chimp/caveman. His head is enormous and he’s a jack a$$ to boot. Plus, if we’re to be perfectly honest, we’ve seen little league softball players throw the ball farther than he can. Yet look at this picture of him and his wife (and that random comedian). She’s hot. He’s a disaster who probably throws his own feces. WTF? HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN? What was his big move that lured her into this trap? “hey, baby, allow me to drag you by your hair into my cave where I will bed you on my wooly mammoth bedspread. Me want woman. Grunt, grunt.” Hooooooooooootttttttt. What we always wanted in a man. We’ve been going to Croxley’s every week in hopes that some jerk will come over, grab us by our hair, drag us off the bar stool and into the parking lot to have his way with us.

Kevin Youkilis looks like Paul Bunyan, but despite this unfortunate genetic mishap, he still was able to convince this poor woman, Enza Sambataro, to marry him. He’s now engaged to Tom Brady’s sister, who isn’t entirely gross, but also is in no way shape or form comparable to Youkilis’ ex-wife. Did Sambataro wake up one morning and realize the mistake she made? We refuse to believe that Youkilis left her. LOOK AT HIM. LOOK. There is a Chia Pet on his chin. It’s a Chia Chin.

Brett Tomko is easily on the Top 10 Ugliest Dudes list (along with Kevin Youkilis). Please explain what in the hell a former Playboy model like Julia Schultz sees in someone that gross? She probably thinks of herself when they have sex. How else could you mentally bring yourself to be penetrated by someone like Tomko unless you’re thinking about how hot you are? Or some other hot dude that may have once rubbed up against? Or you’re actively having an affair while avoiding penetration with your ugly husband?

In conclusion, WTF?!

Baseball notes:

There are a few, but there’s only one that matters and that is Matt Cain’s perfect game. It’s the first perfect game in San Francisco Giants history and he did so by striking out 14 of the batters he faced. Here’s the video of the final play of the game. What remains is one last question that we know everyone is asking: who is this mysterious blonde woman being escorted onto the field? A lover, sister, girlfriend, wife, mistress, neighbor, personal physician, dog walker, side kick? Furthermore, how does one get escorted onto the field? We know how to get thrown OUT of places, but how do we get INVITED in? We could’ve been there right alongside Timmy and Mr. Porn-stache USA high-fiving and jumping and karate kicking and just having a great time celebrating Matt’s success. We could’ve thrown a pie in his face and taken him out for body shots afterwards. We would’ve paid for his shots because we’re really nice and he deserves it. Anything he wanted. Café Patron? A Lemon Drop shot? A Blow Job shot (AS IN AN ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE…we’re not into blondes, HELLO)? Sure, it’s a little girly, but it’s his night to shine and if he wants a girly shot, he’s entitled to a girly shot. But, no. No one ever invites us to celebrations. It’s completely baffling. We’re hilarious, for starters. Second of all, we’re very good at drawing moustaches on people’s fingers, and thirdly, if you don’t like being drawn on, we have bottle moustaches. OH! And fourthly, we can quote many hilarious movies in their entirety, such as Horrible Bosses, Couple’s Retreat, Wedding Crashers, Old School, Hangover, The Other Guys, and Elf.

Forbes’ Top Ten

We’d been thinking about a potential career change and since we care so much about your opinion, we asked for your feedback. Since it was a tie, you haven’t helped us at all. Good job. When asked if you thought we should quit stadium touring and become professional MMA fighters, you people couldn’t make a decision. Now we’re stuck between “Oh, for crissakes, no. You’ll be killed” and “Yes. You look bad a$$. You’ll totally win some matches.” What are we supposed to do with this? We suppose we’ll just go be strippers instead. Thanks a lot, guys. Miserable married corporate men will have the unfortunate experience of us dancing and twirling around a pole. If you think that sounds sexy, just be aware that while spinning on a pole, Serena actually squeals, “Weeeeeeee!” Kay? Does that still sound sexy?

This weekend, Forbes’ released its Top 10 Most Disliked Athletes list. The ranking is as follows:

1. Michael Vick
2. Tiger Woods
3. Plaxico Burress
4. Ndamukong Suh
5. Kris Humphries
6. LeBron James
7. Kobe Bryant
8. Terrell Owens
9. Alex Rodriguez
10. Kurt Busch

Some of this list is completely understandable. After all, Michael Vick should not have his current job. He’s a man who operated a dog fighting ring, killed dogs, served time in prison, and then was rewarded upon his release with a really awesome career. Most “reformed” criminals have trouble finding jobs at Walmart and yet this a-hole immediately gets his old job back. His entire salary should be donated back to the ASPCA. He’s a scumbag. Plaxico Burress, Terrell Ownes, and Kurt Busch are all total douchebags. We get it. Kobe Bryant? Sexually assaulted a woman AND an arrogant a-hole. Yup. We get it. What we can’t understand is why Tiger Woods is ranked higher on this list than a man who shot himself in the leg like an a-hole, a sell-out who abandoned his fans for extra money, and more importantly, a man who had sexually assaulted a woman. We’re not saying that Tiger doesn’t belong on this list, but his issue is sex addiction. Those women all wanted to have sex with him (for reasons that are unknown to us). Kobe forced himself on a woman. Why is he only #7?

Even more disturbing is Kris Humphries’ placement on this list at #5. The only reason you should dislike him is that you’re sick of hearing his name and about his a-hole ex-wife. In fact, instead of Humphries, Kim Kardashian should be on this list. She might not be a literal athlete, but she certainly sleeps with a lot of them. Humphries also spells his name wrong, but that’s not enough of a reason to rank him #5. Why is this man on this list in the first place? How could you have this much venom toward someone so unimportant? He’s literally a non-entity. Furthermore, why is he on this list higher than a man who sexually assaulted a woman AND LeBron James and Terrell Owens??? This has to be a joke.

Alex Rodriguez. Really? How could you possibly hate him more than say, oh, we don’t know…Ben Rothlisberger?? A man who raped not one woman, but TWO!!! We get that there’s animosity toward Rodriguez for his inflated salary (but really…how many other athletes are out there with grossly inflated salaries? Can we say Barry Zito? At least Rodriguez performs. What has Zito done for us lately besides attempt to bring back the porn-stache and rock a comb-over on his wedding day?), his high-profile relationships (wouldn’t you bang Kate Hudson if you had the chance?), and the whole steroids debacle (umm…what about Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens? They actually lied to a grand jury). But really? Top 10 MOST disliked? Really? More disliked than a rapist? The rapist isn’t even on this list!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Furthermore, Chad Ochocinco renamed himself after his jersey number. We’re not sure you can get more douchey than that. Why isn’t he on this list?

Alex Rodriguez’s personality is minimal. It’s like listening to a piece of Melba Toast speaking when he’s interviewed and as we stated earlier, Kris Humphries is a non-entity. You’ve eaten two spots on this list with men that are essentially space-wasters. Spots that could’ve been filled by a rapist and Douchey McDouchey. This list basically confirms how stupid the public is. They shouldn’t be allowed to vote for anything. Not for the All Star Game, not for the People’s Choice Awards, not for American Idol, and in all honesty, no one should be voting in the presidential elections. We’d be better off being run by British Parliament at this point.  

In other worldly baseball news, according to sources, there’s a chance that AJ Burnett could be sent to the Pirates. Did you just hear that? It sounded like angels singing. The Yankees still owe Burnett $35 million for the next two seasons, which is worth more than the cost of both of our cars combined and we’ve gotten more practical use out of our modes of transportation than the Yankees have gotten out of Burnett. On the flip side, the Pirates are seeking a veteran starter who can eat innings. Here’s the problem with the Pirates’ strategy here. Yes, Burnett is a veteran and yes, when his sh*t is on the money, he’s great and he’ll definitely eat up some innings for you. However, that being said, when the f*cker is in hot mess mode, you’ll be lucky if he survives two innings. Maybe removing him from the pressure of being in New York will help him. We’re not sure, but he needs to take his epic fails elsewhere.

Tom Brady’s sister (who we imagine looks like Tom Brady, only without a beard and with long, silky smooth hair as opposed to short) is engaged to Kevin Youkilis. What could be going so wrong in the Brady household that something this terrible would happen to the sister of Tom Brady? Youkilis looks like a crazed lumberjack. A friend of Youkilis said that, “he’s really lucky. She’s a really nice person…” Hell yeah, he’s lucky! Has he looked at himself in the mirror lately????

Jose Reyes’ locks went for $10,200 on eBay. This would normally be a disgusting and creepy situation that we’d make fun of, but the money was donated to the Make A Wish Foundation of South Florida, so it would be a little inappropriate for us to ridicule this.  

Finally, Chubby Bubby Miguel Cabrera reportedly shed 20-25 pounds to move back to third base for the Tigers. The End. End Scene. Close curtains. Exit theater.

In the fine words of Candlebox: “Now maybe, they didn’t mean to put you on that list. Now maybe, but they did it anyway. And now maybe, some would say that your life is sad. But you lived it anyway. And so maybe, and your friends they stand around and they watched you marry that whore as your reputation faltered to the ground. And then someday, even some of your friends voted, oh they voted you for #5…but you left them far behind. Now maybe, they didn’t mean to put you on the list, but they did it anyway. Now maybe, some would say you’re left with what you have, but you couldn’t stop the pain of beating a sex offender.”  

He’s Going the Distance

With the close of the trade deadline, we asked you what type of moves you’d make to improve your team if you were a team executive. Of 7 votes, there was a 3-way tie. No one voted for Brad Ziegler. Apparently people are prejudiced against redheads, which we suppose is the origin of the phrase, “red-headed stepchild.”Only 1 individual voted for gourmet hot dogs. Clearly, this person received an education from MIT because he/she is brilliant. 2 people actually took this poll seriously and voted for offense, 2 like dinosaurs (apparently, Serena’s love for Jurassic Park is starting to rub off on the public) and 2 want the Dodgers, Cubs, and Yankees to research the potential for a mascot. Bunch of furries, you are.

For any of you interested in an update regarding our future with AJ Burnett, you’ll notice that he pitched like a real NTAC against the Blue Jays earlier this week. Clearly, he’s still working on that whole “consistency” problem he has, which means he’s going to continue living alone in his new 1-bedroom apartment in Flushing. It’s within walking distance of Citi Field ironically enough.

To thank us for our Fred K’s Cancer fundraising efforts, the Sean Kimerling Testicular Cancer Foundation invited us to their 7th Annual Celebrity Golf Tournament & Dinner at the Muttontown Country Club on Monday. We’re so excited! We’re actually going to dress like girls for once and hope to rub elbows with Ron Darling. We’ll be posting pictures of the event to the Fred K’s Cancer site sometime next week and to Facebook. Unless we look fugly. Then we’re deleting them and never speaking of them again.

We’re positive that you’ve heard about Alex Rodriguez’s 600th home run by now. If not, that’s extremely impressive. Do you live in a padded cell without access to media? Is Elvis there? Do you speak to Kurt Cobain? Do you see spots? The home run was hit 3 years to the day he hit his 500th home run, which is a bit weird and cosmic, if you ask us. He became the 7th player and youngest to accomplish this feat, launching it off of Toronto’s Shaun Marcum in the first inning on Wednesday.

This may sound selfish, but we were kind of hoping that he’d continue to be productive, but hold off on hitting the home run until we got there on 8/31. We figured that he could celebrate with us by taking us to Serendipity 3 for desserts. We’d have a contest to see who could finish more of their Forbidden Broadway Sundae and we’d laugh about how a man AROD’s size couldn’t compete with our appetites. Then we’d lightly wipe the little spot of fudge from his chin with a napkin. Oh, that AROD. He tells the funniest jokes. Imagine the pictures we could’ve taken. Oh, well.

We’ve already heard the “asterisk” jokes because he admitted to using steroids during his stint with the Rangers, but we haven’t seen any asterisks next to Bonds’ record yet, so maybe all of you Debbie Downers should shut your filthy mouths already. AROD, in the highly intelligent words of one Atlanta Housewife, “let your haters be your motivators.” You’re a TBB Super Hero of the Week in our book.

Baseball Note (yes, the singular): An MRI on Thursday confirmed that Kevin Youkilis has a torn muscle in his right thumb. He’ll undergo season-ending surgery today. What’s that, Red Sox? Another one bites the dust (and another gone and another one gone. Another one bites the dust)?

COMING NEXT WEEK: Have you forgotten? Next Saturday is Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day! Stay tuned for awe-inspiring photos brought to you by Serena and Clip Art. Due to the economy and the fact that our company was moving in another direction, we had to part ways with Tech Support, therefore Serena has taken over the blog’s photography duties. We have no doubt that you’ll enjoy them.

“Tim Lincecum’s Day is back and we’re gonna get excited! Hey now! Hey now! Tim Lincecum’s Day is back!”