Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Rogers Centre

Rogers Centre
1 Blue Jays Way
Toronto, ON M5V 1J1, Canada

July 27, 2012
It was a brutally hot weekend. After spending approximately 3 hours drinking at Elephant & Castle Pub on Yonge Street and walking all the way to the Rogers Centre, the heat had taken its toll on our mid-day buzz. The sun bothered our eyes, we were damp with sweat, tired, and Lisa had a migraine. The good news is that the Blue Jays were hosting Summer Friday Fan Festival. As soon as we stumbled upon the Rogers Centre, a lovely chap decorated us with Blue Jays tattoos.

From there, we circled the stadium in search of more fun activities.

We found a Windows photo trailer. I think they were supposed to show us how to use the new features in Windows and all of the fun things you can now do with photos, but we were so excited that we were getting free neon orange sunglasses and were allowed to play with random props that we didn't really pay attention to anything the youth told us. Among the pictures they took of us, we produced this gem:
Friday Fan Fest was taking place by gate 10. We could hear the live music playing as we passed by the ticket booths.
Fan Fest was awesome. In addition to live music, they offered free samples, giveaways, and fun family-friendly activities.

As you're probably aware, the Opening Ceremony for the 2012 Summer Olympics kicked off that evening. The Blue Jays created a board for fans to write well-wishes to Team Canada. Naturally, since we were blending in, we joined the mass of actual Canadians in signing the board.

We're such an embarrassment to our nation.
Fan Fest also offered us another opportunity to take more prop-infused a-hole pictures.
We think this was a marketing ploy for something, but since we have the attention span of toddlers, we didn't listen to anything the staff people had to say. We excitedly grabbed Blue Jays attire and strategized about the logistics of our "baseball card." Lisa felt that Serena should be the batter since once upon a time, Serena actually batted in legitimate softball games, therefore we chose Serena's old softball number and Lisa decided to be a catcher admiring the results of Serena's offensive tactics. There was only one slight problem. Serena sprained her elbow practicing arm balances during a yoga class a few weeks prior and was forced to swear a sling...which she hated...and as you can see, neglected to wear on a consistent basis. So, Lisa skipped to her position behind the plate and Serena stepped into the batter's box. Just before the camera clicked, Serena took a swing. Turns out that wooden baseball bats are a lot heavier than softball bats and turns out, swinging a heavy baseball bat actually hurts when you have a sprained elbow. Imagine that. Hence the shoddy swing and grimace/smile on Serena's face. All of that made no difference though because the cameraman glanced at the picture he took and smirked, saying, "that was a really good one." Yes, sir. It was. We're f*cking hilarious.

The Tigers were in town this weekend. Our pitching matchup was Carlos Villanueva (Toronto) against Rick Porcello (Detroit). Being that Serena's Future Ex-Husband, Justin Verlander had pitched the previous evening, we figured we'd give batting practice a shot and see if we could coax him into being smitten with our awesome personalities. Being dumbasses from New York, we settled into a pair of field level seats on the third base side, assuming that we'd have a good view of the Tigers warming up in the outfield. Apparently the Blue Jays are one of the few teams that have their dugout on the thirdbase side instead of firstbase. Fail. Before parting, Serena snapped a few photos. Pretty snazzy view, huh?

It was time to head to the gift shop to buy our traditional souvenirs. We stopped in at the Jays Shop in section 112. Inside the doorway, the Blue Jays created a mini field and embedded the bases from their 2007 Opening Day. It's pretty neat looking, no?

Also on display at the Jays Shop in the Memorabilia Clubhouse are the Jays' two World Series trophies from the 90's. Here, you can find more high-end Jays' merchandise to purchase such as autographed baseballs, jerseys, and bats.
Serena found her Jays hat easily enough for just under $20. Lisa, on the other hand, had some difficulty finding a mini version of the Jays' mascot, Ace. According to the store staff, they didn't "get any Ace dolls in this season." Yet again, Lisa was forced to purchase a weird team bear as a substitute for Ace. This time she chose a Brett Lawrie bear because he's on her fantasy baseball team.

We headed to our seats, which were located in the 200 level. The whole way there, Lisa grumbled about the stupidity of teams not selling mascot-related merchandise. She may or may not have rambled about the possibility of dedicating an entire blog post to this baffling phenomenon.  

In these pictures of the view from our seats, you can get a good impression of what Rogers Centre looks like with its dome open. Unfortunately, we didn't get to see what it looks like with the dome closed, but our friend, O' Canada, assures us that we were better off not experiencing that as it becomes quite stifling and humid inside with the dome closed.

Behold, the chameleon-like TBB:
Ace is a high-energy, entertaining mascot. He did not stop bumping and griding, rallying the fans, and pestering the opposing team (and Rogers Centre staff) for two minutes. He had the best dance moves we'd ever seen. He's a better dancer than JLO. Serena even went so far as to "rank him" as #2 mascot in the MLB, second only to Stomper, who claims the title of #1 on the technicality that he is an elephant, Serena's favorite African safari animal.
Things did not begin well for Villanueva. In the top of the 1st, he gave up back to back solo home runs to Miguel Cabrera and Prince Fielder, giving the Tigers a 2-0 lead before the Jays even had a chance to swing a bat. Thankfully, Porcello ran into some trouble in the bottom of the 1st as well. He gave up a double to Omar Vizquel, who still has some pretty quick wheels in his old age. Vizquel scored on an Edwin Encarnacion single, cutting the Jays defecit by 1. At this point, Serena decided she was hungry. Still feeling the effects of the afternoon sun and binge drinking session at the pub, Lisa abstained from eating. Serena hit up a nearby concession stand and bought a hot dog for $5.25 and a side of some pretty delicious sweet potato fries for $6.50. Before stepping away from the stand, Serena noticed that the Jays offer a package deal for $10 that includes a hot dog and regular fries. That's a pretty sweet deal if you're at a ball game and you're hard up for cash. The hot dog, at the risk of sounding like a dirty bird, is the girthiest piece of meat we've ever seen at a baseball game. It's as thick as an Italian sausage...wait, that sounds really bad.
Serena covered her hot dog with bell peppers (that Serena was initially skeptical about since they looked to have been sitting in an odd-colored liquid all day), raw onions, and mustard. The bell peppers turned out to be a great addition to the hot dog. She only wished that there'd been jalapeno peppers available.
In the bottom of the 4th, the Blue Jays quickly overcame the Tigers to take the lead. By the end of the inning, the Blue Jays had tacked on another 4 runs to take a 5-2 lead. Below us in field level, a group of young girls applauded the Blue Jays with some pervy signs. Being as immature as we are, we snickered and took pictures. Serena made a comment like, "someone didn't think that through." O'Canada informed us later that this was false. They HAD apparently thought it through and they're just a bunch of baby prostitutes. Good times. Their parents must be so proud.
It was around this time that the Jays introduced the "world's fastest ground crew." This was no joke. The crew burst out of a gate in left field at top speed, followed by Ace, who carried a rake. The crew tidied up the field as quickly as possible before darting back across the field and through the gate from whence they came. They locked Ace out before he could catch up to them. He banged on the wall and desperately tried to ilicit help from a security guard to no avail before finally flinging his rake over the wall in frustration and jumping over it himself. Our neighbor told us that this happens at every game.
Our neighbor also proved that Serena's abnormally thick hot dog was the bitch version of Toronto's hot dog. For $8, you can purchase this monster foot long. Lisa and I started at it open-mouthed and BEGGED this woman to let us take a picture of it. Lisa vowed that at Saturday's game with O'Canada, she'd get one. On the plane flying home to New York two days later, we were still talking about the size of this hot dog. There are too many penis jokes related to this hot dog to mention. We couldn't let it go. Who could? Look at it. It's what we imagine Albert Pujols looks like naked.
The game turned out to be a blood bath with the Jays defeating the Tigers 8-3. In the top of the 9th, Casey Janssen came into to finish out the game for the Jays. Ace appeared dressed as an umpire and actually "called the game" from the stands. Our neighbor insisted she'd never seen him do that before. Just before we left the stadium for the night, we had a fan take our picture with the field behind us.
We'd show you the other picture she took that was zoomed in and had a flash, but it's truly a grotesque sight. Thefore, you're getting this dark picture of us that could pass as semi-attractive.

July 28, 2012

We met O'Canada and her friend, Alyce, at the Steam Whistle Brewery across the street from the Rogers Centre and CN Tower. According to our Canadian sources (aka: O'Canada and Alyce), Jays fans come here to pre-game. You get one free sample and then a bottle is only $4. See? Made in Canada.
After a quick beer, WE showed our Canadian tour guides what shenanigans we participated in the day before. This time, we got free neon GREEN sunglasses, which Serena wore for the entire game.
Today's game was Jr. Jays Saturday, meaning the Jays pulled out all the stops to make little tykes happy, including a coloring zone (which we were not allowed to participate in) and more fake tattoos. Following O'Canada's advice, we told the tattoo lady that we were from New York and acted like we were idiots that didn't know any better so that we could get tattooed...not that that's much of a stretch of the imagination.

After the fake tattoos, we separated briefly. O'Canada wanted to grab a beer and food whereas Lisa wanted her foot long hot dog and Serena desperately wanted a Molson Canadian...not because she's particularly fond of the brand. The container's got a maple leaf on it. While wandering around the concourse in search of both, we bumped into Ace!
Even better was that he was rolling with his Junior since it was Jr. Jays Saturday! How cute is this baby mascot?! We just wanted to die!
Lisa finally found her foot long and Serena gave up on the Molson Canadian dream. Instead she settled for a Bud with the Blue Jays logo on the can, which seems a bit like an oxymoron.

Armed with our goodies, we met O'Canada and Alyce at the bad ass seats that O'Canada scored. Check out the view, bitches:
It's probably a good time to introduce you to our Canadian people. Now they're YOUR Canadian people as well. O'Canada is the delightful brunette sitting next to Serena and the lovely strawberry blonde at the far end is Alyce. Notice our amazing sunglasses.
During the 7th inning stretch, the Jays play a song called "Okay Blue Jays" (we think...that's at least what everyone keeps singing). It's performed with a synchronized dance that O'Canada and Alyce made us learn and participate in. We witnessed it the previous night, but we had just sat there in our seats slack-jawed and bewildered. Ace and Junior performed the dance as well.
The Jays would go on to defeat the Tigers 5-1 and Ace AND Junior umped the end the game this time. Perhaps this will become a new tradition at Rogers Centre. We think it's a good one. Following the game, O'Canada and Alyce took us to Real Sports, a sports bar that boasts that largest indoor HDTV in North America. Keep an eye on Facebook for the "What You Missed in Toronto" photo album where you can see our pictures of the infamous TV screen and you can find out if Serena ever got her Molson Canadian!


  1. Wow, these pics are amazing! I think I recognize at least one from Twitter, though, right?? Looks like a fun time, and makes me want to take a trip back to Toronto.

  2. Yes, you probably recognize the picture of the four of us from Twitter. : ) A fun time was had by all in Toronto, though we're not sure WE left the best impression on the locals. ; )

  3. wow! those are some big weiners. Very impressive and also scary.

    did you get Blue Jay tramp stamps too? You could have used the "crazy Americans excuse".

  4. Those were some mighty big and tasty weiners.(let the dirty jokes begin). Lol
    No tramp stamps although a Blue Jays tramp stamp would be a big improvement to the tramp stamp that Lisa got when she was 18... ;)

  5. This photo of Lisa and her foot long is a classic, and I think you know it. The look of wonderment and awe. The question is, exactly what was going through her mind as she gazed upon that tube steak?

    And I see that Serena's whole tongue wagging thing is contageous, having now passed it on to babes in the Great White North.

    1. This hotdog was a womens dream come true. Take note fellas! Lol
      We like to think we passed on our a-hole ways to the fine people of Canada. The Tbb will run the world soon!

  6. I am just a little curious why you think Albert Pujols slathers himself with ketchup, pickle relish and shredded cheese though. Is that some kind of strange Dominican form of juicing?

  7. you get hit in the face with a weiner like that and you'll have to go on the 15 day DL with a concussion...doesn't leave much room for hors d'oeuvres! you got to go straight to work on the meat.

    there's one of those Elephant & Castle pubs down by the Smithsonian area in DC- assuming you 2 haven't been banned from Worldwide entry.

  8. Yeah, that'll go over really well. Why hello, Prince William. So we meet again.