1500 South Capitol Street Southeast
Washington, DC 20003
August 31, 2012
We left Long Island nice and early (10 am) because we knew that we were going up against Labor Day traffic, New Jersey, and DC's infamous rush hour. 10 am might not seem that early to you because most of the corporate world reports for duty between 8 and 9 am, but let us tell you why leaving prior to 10 am would've been unbearable. The night before, we participated in the Inaugural NFL Back to Football Run, which was truly a fantastic time. We'll talk more about it at a later date, but to sum it up, we ran 4 miles uphill around Central Park, didn't get home until 11:00 at night and then we had to shower before bed because we're hygenic individuals. So while leaving Long Island prior to 10 am would've been unbearable, leaving at 10 was still pretty damn hard.
We flew on the 495/LIE (for those of you unfamiliar with the Long Island area, here's a tid bit of history for you: the 495/LIE is where Harry Chapin met his unfortunate end in a car accident. You know him, right? Singer of "Cat's in the Cradle." Look at you learning all about the TBB's home planet). It was downhill from there. We hit traffic in Staten Island, which is really just one step above New Jersey in terms of lists of places in this country that should go missing in the Bermuda Triangle (oh, but the New York Giants, Bruce Springsteen, and Bon Jovi get to stay here, capische?). Then we hit traffic on the BQE (Brooklyn-Queens Expressway), which is not shocking because there's never NOT traffic on the BQE. The only bright spot in this is that Lisa got to take a few pictures of the local New York sites for you to enjoy. This picture featuring her in the rearview mirror is Serena's personal favorite:
We hit massive traffic in New Jersey. The only thing that kept us going through this troubling time was Serena's iPod playlist entitled, "Stripper." This glorious playlist included such megahits as "Ragdoll" by Aerosmith, "Pour Some Sugar On Me" by Def Leppard, "Here I Go Again" by Whitesnake, "Hot for Teacher" by Van Halen, "Crazy" by Aerosmith, "You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC, " Love in an Elevator" by Aerosmith, "Runaway" by THE JOVI, "Push It" by Salt-n-Pepa, "Down on Me" by Jeremih and 50 Cent, "Freak Like Me" by Adina Howard (at this point, we had an intellectual conversation about what exactly a "Gangsta Lean" is), "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" by Charlie Daniels Band, "Dirrty" by Christina Aguilera, "Slave for You" by Britney Spears, "Down in Mexico" by The Coasters, "Pony" by Far, "Buttons" by PCD, "Closer" by NIN, "Crazy Bitch" by Buckcherry (little known fact: apparently this song is not about f*cking some crazy bitch, but about Paris Hilton whoring herself for fame), "Sex on Fire" by Kings of Leon, "Paralyzer" by Finger Eleven, "Addicted" by Saving Abel, "Need You Tonight" by INXS, "Future Sex/Love Sound" by Justin Timberlake, "Sex and Candy" by Marcy Playground, "Sweet Dreams" by Marilyn Manson, "Nasty Naughty Boy" by Christina Aguilera, "Doin' It" by LL Cool J, "Cryin'" by Aerosmith, and "Tainted Love" by PCD. We know. Epic, isn't it? We're going to try to sell a 2-disc compilation CD at the Tricounty Flea Market.
We moved through Delaware relatively quickly, listening to Serena's "Get Low" playlist which featured 112's "Dance With Me" (if you're sexy and you know it, clap your hands *clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap*), Eminem's "Til I Collapse," Lil' Kim's "How Many Licks" (very explicit lyrics, but to keep it somewhat abbreviated and short, here's a taste of it: Lil' Kim sings, "my sh*t comes in flavors" and basically we talked about the fact that we didn't think most men wanted "Truck Stop" as their flavor of choice), Sisquo's "Got to Get it," DMX's "Ya'll Gonna Make Me," Chris Brown's "Strip" (we talked about how we'd hit Rhianna too if we dated her), and Janet Jackson's "If" (Lisa did the synchronized arm dance -- pay close attention to the dance sequence at 3:35). We breezed passed Baltimore. Lisa snapped this photo of M&T Bank Stadium (home of the Ravens) as we drove:
1. The ugly dude doesn't sing. He just has random speaking parts in almost every song and sounds a bit creepy. Imagine having that dude whispering to you, "Come and feel the heat" or "You're now entering 98 Degrees."
2. There's a lot of "rocking my world" happening.
3. The members of 98 Degrees seem to only be attracted to women who are unavailable.
4. Even when the members of 98 Degrees are in relationships, they continue to remain unsastisfied because they get themselves a mistress that works as a Las Vegas Showgirl.
5. These are some dirty, perverted men that sing about "pushing their head down there" (you don't even want to know what conversation these lyrics prompted) and having girls' "legs up in the air," and "coming baby, don't stop." Being young, innocent little TBB's back in the day, we had no idea what the hell these dudes were singing about. Experiencing these songs at our seasoned veteran age is an entirely different ball game. Don't you wish you were in this car with us?
6. Unlike most men who use pick-up lines, the members of 98 Degrees SING their pick-up lines. Not even original pick-up lines either. They're fond of, "heaven is missing an angel."
After a total of 8 hours of driving, we finally made it to Nationals Park. Lisa snapped these pictures as we approached:
At the recommendation of TBB reader, Randy, we checked out the Half Street Fairgrounds on Half Street (innovative, right?) and M Street. The Fairgrounds is like a giant tailgating party. It's got port-a-potties, two bars, stage performances...
New York Lotto commercial, we went in search of food. First, we searched for the closest sausage stand, hoping that the RFK Stadium sausage traveled cross-town to the new ballpark. It didn't. In fact, the sausage being served at Nationals Park is "mild" flavored. Failure. We received a few recommendations. One was the Strasburger, which apparently is a 5 lbs. piece of meat that can feed 7. We were up for the challenge, so we investigated where we could find this burger. We were informed that it was $85. Serena asked if the burger came with Stephen Strasburg for that price. He doesn't. Another recommendation was chili from Ben's Chili Bowl, which is something that the DC area is supposedly famous for (not sure if this is actually true though). Neither of us are too into chili, so we stalked the stand until we found someone to critique the dish for us. Brian was up for the challenge.
Still hungry, another fan told us that there was nothing better than the stadium's jerk chicken, which is served at a Jammin Island BBQ stand located between the Red Porch and Scoreboard Walk.
Now for Bryce Harper's at bat. Serena, for some bizarre reason that has baffled many, including Serena herself, finds Bryce Harper attractive. Here's why this is weird: he's ugly. Nevermind the fact that he's underage. He's not good-looking and he acts like a raging douchebag. "That's a clown question, bro." Who the f*ck says that? More importantly, why would Serena want to sleep with a man who WOULD say that? We don't know. It's a mystery much like how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? The world may never know. When Harper stepped into the batter's box, Lisa took her chance at getting her revenge for the constant "Derek Jeter's your boyfriend" jokes. Here's the conversation:
Lisa: "Look, your boyfriend's up."
*Snarls* Serena: "He's not my boyfriend. That's just shameful."
Lisa: "Your lover then."
*Contemplates this for a moment* Serena: "No. I don't think he's a very good lover. He's probably terrible. I think he's my bad lay."
*Nods* Lisa: "You're probably right. He looks like a selfish a-hole."
The conversation then veered onto a path that we're not comfortable speaking about on this blog.
In the bottom of 4th inning, Screech and the GEICO lizard came out to kick off the Presidents' Race. On the scoreboard, they showed video and photos of the Presidents preparing for their race, including a few yoga poses. They flashed the current standings for this season. As usual, Teddy has no wins.
Thanks to a f*cked up accident on the 95, it took us another 6 hours to get home. Serena had to pull over somewhere in New Jersey at one point to take a 20-minute cat nap so that she didn't fall asleep at the wheel and kill us. Then you wouldn't have had the chance to read this amazing blog post. Lisa was convinced that we'd fall asleep and wake up to sunlight and chirping birds (she likes birds), but we made it. How lucky for you.