Sunday, May 5, 2013

The Return of Facial Hair Around the League

In celebration of Cinco de Mayo and moustaches, we've decided to give you the third installment of Facial Hair Around the League. It was extremely difficult to determine this year's Hair of Fame inductees and way too easy to find the giant failures, which means that the men of the MLB are slipping. The league is becoming a pack of furry dirt bags. Before we get into the do's and the do not's, we thought it might be helpful if we gave you a brief overview about what WE find attractive in a man's facial hair. Here is Lisa's taste spectrum:
Unfortunately for Lisa, Guidos do not play baseball. They play soccer. Therefore, we will not be discussing this aspect of man candy today. After we're done touring the baseball stadiums, we'll move on to soccer and then we'll have plenty of Guido to talk about.

Here is Serena's:
As you can see, Lisa is more into the clean-cut look and Serena is more into the scruffy 5:00 shadow look. And then there's this:
This biggest shame of it all is that he won't have sex before his married. What. A. F*cking. Waste.

Now that you have some understanding as to where our rankings come from, let's begin with the league's worst hair offenses. For starters, we could've put almost the entire Nationals roster (with the exception of Danny Espinosa, Ryan Zimmerman, and Adam LaRoche) into this category, but we didn't have enough room or time to cover that many people. So we picked the worst of the bunch. Naturally, heading up this circus of hair clowns is the King of Hair Fails: Jayson Werth.
The only improvement from last year is that we think he's been conditioning his locks. OF COURSE the young bucks of the Nationals would be led astray if they had to look at this for their entire immature MLB careers. He looks like a deranged Santa Claus. We just don't get it. Beneath this shag carpet is an attractive pleasant face. Why is he hiding it? His beard is probably why the Nationals did so poorly in the playoffs last year. It reminds us of the "furry wall" scene from Get Him to the Greek. When the day comes that Jayson wants to go clean shaven, they're going to need hedge clippers to hack off the initial foot of growth and 80% of the world's endangered species list will suddenly emerge from hiding.
Next up on the Nationals' roster is what's being called "The Skullet." Bryce Harper:
That's a clown haircut, bro. It's bad enough that at the age of 20, he's a raging douchebag with an ESPN documentary. He has to sport this look? So not only is he a douchebag, but he looks like one too. He can't even use the excuse that the haircut/beard is a result of a bad night drinking. Why? Cos' the little f*ckwad toddler isn't even old enough to drink alcohol! In studying this photo further, it's become clear that he gets his eyebrows waxed/threaded and shaped by a professional. How does this man give penetration to anything except prostitutes? There's literally nothing here of value. You'd HAVE to pay us to bang you if this is what you looked like. At least Jayson Werth has a World Series ring and once a year, he brings toys to children all over the world.
Stephen Strasburg:
Now, he seems like a nice boy so we feel bad picking on him, but this simply cannot stand. When you have the misfortune of being a ginger, you need to be extra careful when it comes to grooming. You're already pretty terrifying. There's no need to add to the terror with a f*cked up beard. Or Billy Goat thing. Or mock representation of a goatee. We don't know what he's doing. All we know is that it's terrible and it's not helping the unattractiveness of his face.
Speaking of terrible gingers, what the sh*t is Justin Turner doing with this look?
Holy hell. He looks like a carrot cake nightmare. We HATE having to put one of our own into this portion of the blog, but when you do the crime, you are doing the time, buddy. And you're subjected to ridicule on this blog by us. His hair color catapults him to the top of this list, even beyond the horror that is Jayon Werth. What choice would you have if this man asked you on a date, BUT to scream and run away? Similar to what your reaction should be if you're in your underwear and your house catches fire. this man's crotch. Imagine what THAT looks like if his face looks like this? *SHUDDER*
It pains us to talk about this last player because he means so much to us: Tim Lincecum.
We know that TECHNICALLY he's done nothing wrong with his face, but his haircut cannot go unpunished. It's awful. Under no circumstances should a member of the male gender rock a do that makes him look like KD Lang. Where were his friends on this one? No one tried to talk him out of this on his way to the barber? Or rather hair stylist because we're pretty sure you can't get this haircut at a barber shop? If Turner's crotch is the forest fire from Hades, then based on his haircut, Timmy probably has a Brazilian. As we sit here typing this, Serena is speechless. Which is as rare as a Lochness Monster sighting.
Now that we've raped your sight with those atrocities, allow us to make everything better by presenting our Hair of Fame inductees for 2013. Not every proper facial hair style is acceptable for every dude. Like a snowflake, no two beards are alike. For every well-kept full beard is another guy who looks like a hobo when attempting the same style. We aim to cover all aspects of proper hair styles so that you (and the remainder of the MLB) can find one suitable to your (and their) face.
Let's start with the basic: no hair whatsoever as best demonstrated by Matt Cain:
Dear sweet Matthew is as bare as a baby's booty. He might not be old enough to grow hair yet, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that he's found a superb look and embraced it like a champ. If you're ever uncertain as to which look you should go for, go for this one. You can't possible f*ck it up. If you do, you're a special kind of stupid that has bigger problems than shaving.
The next step up from totally clean-shaven is a "kept" 5:00 shadow like the kind sported by Serena's Big Texan:
"Kept" meaning pre-meditated. Meaning you wake up in the morning and set your buzzer to the level that keeps your 5:00 shadow just the way it is. You don't let it get past this point nor do you completely shave it off. You keep it just so. Andy Pettitte demonstrates this look with perfection. Don't you just want to nuzzle up in his nook now?
Some of you may want to take this step a bit further without committing to full beard or full goatee. You're a man! You WANT to be hairy! It's in the XY chromosome to be hairy so why not embrace it? Kurt Nieuwenhuis rocks what we've been calling "The Scruffy Beard." Not quite full beard, but more than the 5:00 shadow. Look how lovely it is:
For men who want to sport this do, you'll still need to use a buzzer as opposed to a razor since you'll want to keep the scruff mowed and under control without lopping it off. Depending on the hairiness of the dude and the coarseness of his hair, a 5:00 shadow man might need to buzz every morning, but not a Scruffy Beard man (unless you're our friend, Tom, who apparently clean shaves in the morning and sprouts a 5:00 shadow by...well...5:00). A Scruffy Beard man might be able to go 1-2 mornings without turning on his buzzer. Again, the science on how long you can go between buzzes really depends on the individual. We encourage you to experiment with your buzzer to find out what works for you and your hair.
Finally, some of you still may not feel that this is enough hair to proudly declare your manliness. Some of you might want, dare we say it? The full beard. We do want to preface this by saying that neither of us find this look particularly attractive, but if you're gonna go for it, please remember to keep it groomed and free of food and other assorted particles. The King Daddy of the full beard is Brian McCann. His beard is always flawless. We've got TWO examples of stellar beards in the league this season and that is RA Dickey and Pedro Alvarez:
Notice how the beards are not scraggly and out of control. Notice how neither men has bits of their morning meal hanging out within the layers of their fur. Remember these men when considering your beard cultivation.
This week's baseball notes includes nothing of value, but yesterday WAS International Star Wars Day and for that, we have this:


  1. I guess sometimes when you make millions you can let your facial hair go, and look more d-baggish.
    You'd think just personal pride would keep someone well groomed..
    PS-leaving for NC in a couple of days, does Serena still want a Durham Bulls shirt?