Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day 2015

It's that time of year, folks. The annual celebration of the wonderful Tim Lincecum. We know you've all been looking forward to seeing what we've been up to with our good friend, Timmy. Well, without further delay, let's discuss the many facets of Tim Lincecum.

Most recently, Timmy took some time off from baseball to join us at last night's lightsaber fight in Washington Square Park in the city. We joined the side of the Jedi and Timmy decided to be a real jerk and side with the Sith. He also purchased a horse mask at a nearby Halloween store and attacked Spiderman.

In November, Timmy joined us for a friend's wedding and we had some fun in a photo booth. Honestly, it being November, he had nothing better to do but attend a wedding with us. He was very popular with the elderly ladies. He danced the mashed potato and the twist all night long. He also wore a dress (we all know how he loves to cross dress) and caught the bouquet at the end of the night.

 Timmy loves to run. We don't know if you knew that, but he does. He also loves zoo animals. So running a 5K at a zoo was a perfect way to spend the day.Unfortunately (and surprisingly), Timmy isn't really good at much and he ended up suffering from a big toe cramp in the first mile and had to be escorted via golf cart to the finish line. It was pretty pathetic. Us, on the other hand, broke a gazillion records and finished the 5K in 10 minutes. We actually took 1st and 2nd place overall out of thousands of people.

 Timmy feels like we've been pretty terrible at activity lately. Which is bullshit, but whatever. He decided to take us rock climbing. Timmy next graduated from the children's ABC wall, but we did pretty good. Our guide felt that we were so good at it, that he showed us "bouldering." We were pretty epic. After rock climbing, Timmy treated us to Chipotle. As wealthy as he is, Timmy is also pretty frugal. Good thing we enjoy his company so much.

He was a little bored during his visits to us this year, but we promised to make it up to him. We've already discussed Halloween. He's decided to dress as Storm. He may also run a half-marathon with us. He's really into the whole, "running while wearing a tutu thing."

2014 Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day

It's that time of year again. The annual celebration of the man we know as Tim Lincecum. We realize that we are a few days late, but we had a lot of activities going on and as you know, we no longer blog on weekends that bookend a bank holiday. If the post office is closed, so then are we. Timmy and us have had a pretty rockin' year so far. If we're to be quite frank, it's hardly surprising that Timmy's been having the season he's been having so far. We've made him so happy!!!! Plus, he's been following our exercise regiment religiously. The San Francisco Giants should basically have us on their payroll because we're the meaning in Timmy's life. We're his inspiration. They should also give us health benefits and a 401(K) plan so that we can leave our current jobs to pursue a career in traveling baseball babes that life coach and encourage you to make poor decision for good reasons.

ANYWHO, let's talk about our most recent Timmy adventures. We know you've been dying to hear about them.

To celebrate New Year's, we got all dolled up to attend a fancy gala at a nearby country club. As you can see, Timmy decided to go drag. He was jealous of Serena's Girls and wanted to show off his as well.

Soon after, he decided to try out his skills at stand up comedy and booked a gig at Foxwoods. Since he's our #1 BFF, we HAD to support him, so we dragged Maria with us to see his show. Sadly, he's just not that funny. Tomatoes were thrown. The paparazzi took this photo of us:

Timmy had never been a fan at an opening day before, so he made it a point this season to blow off his own team and join us at Yankees' Opening Day. He loved it. He ate 6 Italian sausages and then later threw up in a garbage can. He also took a billion selfies...or shall we say, "Hervies?"

He briefly joined us for an afternoon in Pittsburgh. On his off days, Timmy likes to wear short shorts. He recently purchased a package at the European Wax Center to keep his long stems silky smooth all year round.

Finally, he joined us at the Foam Fest 5K this year and had a great time getting all foamy with us. He agreed with us that there was too much running and not enough foam, but he loves his medal.

We have plans to hook up for Halloween, so hopefully those will be some epic photos for you. We plan on spending the evening getting him sloshed and trying to convince him never to grow facial hair ever again.

Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day 2013

Wednesday marks our 5th Annual Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day! We know that you expected us to post about our trip to Busch Stadium today, but to be frank, we felt this topic infinitely more important. We knew that you'd agree with us on this subject.

We know that you're dying to know what Timmy did with us this year (besides pitching like an a$$ clown for 75% of the season) and we're more than happy to enlighten you. We started the year off with a bang by running in our underwear for the Children's Tumor Foundation.

 In keeping with our new "healthy lifestyle," we also ran in the Spartan Sprint at Citi Field in April (notice how Timmy refused to hold our hand or run with us. He's a real a-hole sometimes)...

...but not before getting sh*t faced on St. Patrick's Day...

or at the Beer Festival for Serena's birthday at the Nassau Coliseum. So, apparently even though we're all living "healthy" lifestyles, none of us have quit drinking.

At the Running of the Balls, Timmy didn't feel like running, so he dressed as a testicle in order to show his support for Fred #1.

There are more pictures of us partying together, but they're extremely inappropriate to post on the World Wide Web. Timmy's publicist and our parents would be very disappointed in us if we did that.

As is typical with Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day, it's time for our "Fun Facts About Timmy" segment. Did you know...
...that Timmy pitched his first career no-hitter this year on July 13th?
...that Timmy is often mistaken for Mitch Kramer when we're out at the bars? Don't know who Mitch Kramer is? Log onto Netflix and rent Dazed and Confused.
...there is a Tim Lincecum bobblehead beer tap at Beechwood Brewing & BBQ in Long Beach, Ca that was created out of a free giveaway?
...his favorite movie is Grandma's Boy?
...that he loves Hall & Oats? He sings Sara's Smile at the top of his lungs during all of our road trips. It's embarrassing. He's a terrible singer.
...that he bought a used car from Dave Roberts? It was an 06' Mercedes CLS.
...that he and KD Lang share the same hair stylist? That's why he has such a horrible haircut. After screaming at him for his stupidity, we offered him vastly improved alternatives for his next trip to the barber: Exhibit A, Exhibit B, Exhibit C, and Exhibit D.

Baseball Notes:
The Return of Alex Rodriguez and a successful hidden ball trick as performed by the Tampa Bay Rays. Want to know more? It's called The Google. It's time for us to feed now.

The Return of Facial Hair Around the League

In celebration of Cinco de Mayo and moustaches, we've decided to give you the third installment of Facial Hair Around the League. It was extremely difficult to determine this year's Hair of Fame inductees and way too easy to find the giant failures, which means that the men of the MLB are slipping. The league is becoming a pack of furry dirt bags. Before we get into the do's and the do not's, we thought it might be helpful if we gave you a brief overview about what WE find attractive in a man's facial hair. Here is Lisa's taste spectrum:

Unfortunately for Lisa, Guidos do not play baseball. They play soccer. Therefore, we will not be discussing this aspect of man candy today. After we're done touring the baseball stadiums, we'll move on to soccer and then we'll have plenty of Guido to talk about.

Here is Serena's:

As you can see, Lisa is more into the clean-cut look and Serena is more into the scruffy 5:00 shadow look. And then there's this:

This biggest shame of it all is that he won't have sex before his married. What. A. F*cking. Waste.

Now that you have some understanding as to where our rankings come from, let's begin with the league's worst hair offenses. For starters, we could've put almost the entire Nationals roster (with the exception of Danny Espinosa, Ryan Zimmerman, and Adam LaRoche) into this category, but we didn't have enough room or time to cover that many people. So we picked the worst of the bunch. Naturally, heading up this circus of hair clowns is the King of Hair Fails: Jayson Werth.

The only improvement from last year is that we think he's been conditioning his locks. OF COURSE the young bucks of the Nationals would be led astray if they had to look at this for their entire immature MLB careers. He looks like a deranged Santa Claus. We just don't get it. Beneath this shag carpet is an attractive pleasant face. Why is he hiding it? His beard is probably why the Nationals did so poorly in the playoffs last year. It reminds us of the "furry wall" scene from Get Him to the Greek. When the day comes that Jayson wants to go clean shaven, they're going to need hedge clippers to hack off the initial foot of growth and 80% of the world's endangered species list will suddenly emerge from hiding.

 

Next up on the Nationals' roster is what's being called "The Skullet." Bryce Harper:

That's a clown haircut, bro. It's bad enough that at the age of 20, he's a raging douchebag with an ESPN documentary. He has to sport this look? So not only is he a douchebag, but he looks like one too. He can't even use the excuse that the haircut/beard is a result of a bad night drinking. Why? Cos' the little f*ckwad toddler isn't even old enough to drink alcohol! In studying this photo further, it's become clear that he gets his eyebrows waxed/threaded and shaped by a professional. How does this man give penetration to anything except prostitutes? There's literally nothing here of value. You'd HAVE to pay us to bang you if this is what you looked like. At least Jayson Werth has a World Series ring and once a year, he brings toys to children all over the world.

 

Stephen Strasburg:

Now, he seems like a nice boy so we feel bad picking on him, but this simply cannot stand. When you have the misfortune of being a ginger, you need to be extra careful when it comes to grooming. You're already pretty terrifying. There's no need to add to the terror with a f*cked up beard. Or Billy Goat thing. Or mock representation of a goatee. We don't know what he's doing. All we know is that it's terrible and it's not helping the unattractiveness of his face.

 

Speaking of terrible gingers, what the sh*t is Justin Turner doing with this look?

Holy hell. He looks like a carrot cake nightmare. We HATE having to put one of our own into this portion of the blog, but when you do the crime, you are doing the time, buddy. And you're subjected to ridicule on this blog by us. His hair color catapults him to the top of this list, even beyond the horror that is Jayon Werth. What choice would you have if this man asked you on a date, BUT to scream and run away? Similar to what your reaction should be if you're in your underwear and your house catches fire. Fire...like this man's crotch. Imagine what THAT looks like if his face looks like this? *SHUDDER*

 

It pains us to talk about this last player because he means so much to us: Tim Lincecum.

We know that TECHNICALLY he's done nothing wrong with his face, but his haircut cannot go unpunished. It's awful. Under no circumstances should a member of the male gender rock a do that makes him look like KD Lang. Where were his friends on this one? No one tried to talk him out of this on his way to the barber? Or rather hair stylist because we're pretty sure you can't get this haircut at a barber shop? If Turner's crotch is the forest fire from Hades, then based on his haircut, Timmy probably has a Brazilian. As we sit here typing this, Serena is speechless. Which is as rare as a Lochness Monster sighting.

 

Now that we've raped your sight with those atrocities, allow us to make everything better by presenting our Hair of Fame inductees for 2013. Not every proper facial hair style is acceptable for every dude. Like a snowflake, no two beards are alike. For every well-kept full beard is another guy who looks like a hobo when attempting the same style. We aim to cover all aspects of proper hair styles so that you (and the remainder of the MLB) can find one suitable to your (and their) face.

 

Let's start with the basic: no hair whatsoever as best demonstrated by Matt Cain:

Dear sweet Matthew is as bare as a baby's booty. He might not be old enough to grow hair yet, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that he's found a superb look and embraced it like a champ. If you're ever uncertain as to which look you should go for, go for this one. You can't possible f*ck it up. If you do, you're a special kind of stupid that has bigger problems than shaving.

 

The next step up from totally clean-shaven is a "kept" 5:00 shadow like the kind sported by Serena's Big Texan:

"Kept" meaning pre-meditated. Meaning you wake up in the morning and set your buzzer to the level that keeps your 5:00 shadow just the way it is. You don't let it get past this point nor do you completely shave it off. You keep it just so. Andy Pettitte demonstrates this look with perfection. Don't you just want to nuzzle up in his nook now?

 

Some of you may want to take this step a bit further without committing to full beard or full goatee. You're a man! You WANT to be hairy! It's in the XY chromosome to be hairy so why not embrace it? Kurt Nieuwenhuis rocks what we've been calling "The Scruffy Beard." Not quite full beard, but more than the 5:00 shadow. Look how lovely it is:

For men who want to sport this do, you'll still need to use a buzzer as opposed to a razor since you'll want to keep the scruff mowed and under control without lopping it off. Depending on the hairiness of the dude and the coarseness of his hair, a 5:00 shadow man might need to buzz every morning, but not a Scruffy Beard man (unless you're our friend, Tom, who apparently clean shaves in the morning and sprouts a 5:00 shadow by...well...5:00). A Scruffy Beard man might be able to go 1-2 mornings without turning on his buzzer. Again, the science on how long you can go between buzzes really depends on the individual. We encourage you to experiment with your buzzer to find out what works for you and your hair.

 

Finally, some of you still may not feel that this is enough hair to proudly declare your manliness. Some of you might want, dare we say it? The full beard. We do want to preface this by saying that neither of us find this look particularly attractive, but if you're gonna go for it, please remember to keep it groomed and free of food and other assorted particles. The King Daddy of the full beard is Brian McCann. His beard is always flawless. We've got TWO examples of stellar beards in the league this season and that is RA Dickey and Pedro Alvarez:

Notice how the beards are not scraggly and out of control. Notice how neither men has bits of their morning meal hanging out within the layers of their fur. Remember these men when considering your beard cultivation.

 

This week's baseball notes includes nothing of value, but yesterday WAS International Star Wars Day and for that, we have this:

Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day 2012

After running the Runyon 5K at Yankees Stadium on Sunday, we actually sucked it up and blogged despite being very tired. We had a lot to cover over the following weeks so we asked you what you were most excited to hear about. Sadly, only 5 people voted. Only 2 f*cking people gave a crap about Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day! TWO! Our blog is practically dedicated to this man and you don't even give a crap about his holiday. 3 of you wanted to hear about the Mickey Mantle exhibit at Yankees Stadium (which is not very large so we don't know why you're so passionate about it). NO ONE wanted to hear about our experience running a 5K at Yankees Stadium. Are you freakin' kidding us? We ran on the damn warning track...for cancer! And we did it disabled. Lisa had the Black Lung and Serena had shin splints. The course included 4 million stairs or some sh*t like that and we were not allowed to use the elevator. You people are so damn selfish.

Welcome to the 4th Annual Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day! Boy, have we had some good times with Timmy this past year. It's insane how much we've done with him. We're not sure how we're going top this next year. For starters, he joined us at the the Superbowl Parade to celebrate the New York Giants defeat of the New England Patriots. Even though he's not from New York, he's quite fond of Eli Manning and flying toilet paper.

As you can see, in the offseason, Timmy is a little broader. You'll find out why in the Fun Facts Section. After the parade, we headed over to McGee's, which is the inspiration for McLaren's Irish Pub in How I Met Your Mother. Tim's favorite character on the show is Marshall.

To celebrate the 50th Anniversary of James Bond, Serena threw a Casino Royale party. An avid Bond fan, Timmy was in attendance. He's great at counting cards. He kicked all of our asses at BlackJack. As we all know, Lisa has a gambling problem and lost all of her chips. She had to borrow from Timmy.

At the end of the evening, after we all had too much to drink, he cuddled with Serena.

In March, Jess and Timmy celebrated Serena's birthday with us Atlantic City-style. Timmy came up with the idea of having a cross-dressing evening, which is why we're in suits and and Timmy is in that lovely sparkling green dress that Jess loaned him for the night. We smoked cigars and drank scotch while Timmy smoked his Parliament Lights from a cigarette holder and drank cosmos all evening.

St. Patrick's Day was so amazing, we can barely remember it. Timmy made us do Jameson shots, which as everyone knows, is an instant pants dropper. That's why Serena woke up the next day with her skirt hiked up around her boobs. There may or may not have been an awkward threesome that evening. We cannot confirm or deny this as we had too much to drink and cannot remember.

Just a few weekends ago, we returned to Atlantic City to celebrate Maureen's bachelorette party. Timmy was allowed to join us girls because he's like one of the girls anyway. He tried to convince us to do a cross-dressing evening again, but it was just getting weird, so we declined. He, however, insisted that he wear a dress. Not totally sure why.

It's time for our traditional Fun Facts about Tim Section! Did you know....
...that Timmy has worn his ratty-looking cap in every major league game that he has ever pitched in? It's a superstition. Rumor has it that the cap doesn't stink despite not being washed. It is said that he had an investigative reporter sniff it for proof. He is a rare young man that knows what Febreeze is for.
...that at age 14, he could do a back flip from standing start?
...that he can walk across the room on his hands? It makes Lisa happy to see him do this.
...that he often made his little league all star teams, but didn't start?
...that in 2011, Tim packed on 20 lbs., hoping to improve his endurance? It didn't work, so he quit eating fast food and dropped the weight during the offseason. Maybe if he had tried gaining weight by adding muscle, he would've had different results?
...that Tim made his high school varsity golf team even though he had only played 27 holes when he tried out?
...that Tim got a new puppy? He named it Kayo in honor of his grandfather who was a boxer.
...that in 2011, Tim passed Christy Mathewson as the all-time leader in double-digit strikeout games?
...that he is the first Giant to have 4 consecutive seasons off 200+ strikeouts?
...that in 2011, Tim became just the 6th pitcher since 1900 to have a losing record despite recording 200 strikeouts and posting an ERA under 2.75?
...that for a typical meal at In-N-Out, he eats 3 double doubles without lettuce or tomato, 2 orders of fries, and a chocolate-strawberry milkshake for a total of approximately 3,100 calories? F*CK YOU, Timmy! You should be a fat ass! We're sorry, we shouldn't have yelled at you like that. We love you.
...that if you had looked under the bill of his cap when he pitched for the University of Washington, you would've seen 161 slash marks neatly tallied in rows representing each strikeout he recorded in 112 innings as a freshman?
...that Tim does a dead-on impression of Gollum from Lord of the Rings? It never fails to creep Serena out.
...that he has sung verses of Bobby Brown's "My Perogative" on a Seattle-area sports radio program?

We hope that you've enjoyed this year's Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day! It's now time for this week's installment of Baseball Notes! Melky Cabrera seriously f*cked up. He's now serving a 50-game suspension that will cause him to miss the rest of the season and part of next season for testing positive for testoserone, a performance-enhancing substance. Don't men just produce testoserone? Why did he need extra? Was his facial hair not growing fast enough for him? He will not be paid during this suspension and Serena has angrily dropped him from Tigers Love Pepper. A-hole!

Derek Lowe is the newest addition to the New York Yankees pitching staff. He signed the contract on Monday, two weeks after being designated for assignment by the Cleveland Indians. Lowe pitched 4 shut-out innings in Monday night's game against Texas, giving him his first regular season save since 2001 while with Boston.

Starting next week, Citi Field and Yankees Stadium will function as the guinea pigs for a new instant replay system that will judge balls hit down each foul line. Eventually, they're going to expand the system's usage to track balls hit to the outfield to judge whether or not the ball was trapped. Fantastic. So the MLB is now the NFL. Will there also be a 2 minute timeout? Flags on the play? Will managers be able to throw a challenge flag? The MLB is just dicking around with the game too much now. Instant replay on home runs, additional wild card teams, and now instant replays on foul balls and balls hit to the outfield? What's next? Reviews of stolen bases and plays at first base? Cut the sh*t, Bud Selig. Cut the sh*t. The game is long enough as it is.

A little bit of this a little bit of that …

Welcome back followers. The TBB was out of commission last week due to some bridesmaid duties that needed to be taken care of.  I have good news and bad news this week. The good news is that there will be a post today the bad news is that it’s just me Lisa blogging. We apologize we know how much you guys hate change and when we are apart.  Let’s just move forward shall we? Last week we discussed in depth detail about the lack of epic performance with our honorary TBB Timmy so we asked “What’s up with Timmy?” Ten of you came out of your slumber to let your voice be heard and the results are as follows. Only one thinks that poor Timmy might actually be hurt. We hope not big things are in store for him for on this years Tim Lincecum appreciation day. Two of you think he should go back to the habit and smoke weed while three of you think he should drink heavily before his start. Obviously the TBB agree did you guys not see the strict schedule we gave him. Last but not least and the winner of the poll was that he is just way too excited for the 3^RD annual Tim Lincecum appreciation day. I guess everything should go back to normal then by mid August.
 

Since we are on the subject of Timmy, did anyone catch his last game July 14^th? Well we are happy to announce that little Timmy had eight shut out innings when the Giants played the Astros last Saturday as well as 11 strikeouts. Timmy also scored the games first run in the fifth when he scored from third base on Melky Cabrera’s single to right field. It looks like Timmy followed the strict regiment we gave him. If you are reading this and have no clue what we are talking about then please click here before you read on. The only reason why Timmy did not pitch the perfect game as stated was because we think he might of missed one or two prank calls to Barry Zito which probably threw the regiment off a bit and his fake mustache probably fell off. These were key steps that were needed to be followed to ensure the perfect game. Serena and I are totally taking credit for this improvement and the SF Giants and fans can thank us at a later time. Have no fear we will come up with something outrageous to demand like a lifetime supply of taco bell and a pet shark for Serena. We are helping MLB players everywhere one asinine letter at a time (insert we are the world theme song).

Next week we are off to Canada. Serena has informed me her ever so nice Canadian friend got us tickets to a second Toronto game! As if that’s not exciting enough these seats are infinitely better then ours rumor has it that they are field level. Score! This gives Serena not one but two chances to try and meet her taco bell soul mate Justin Verlander. Said friend is also taking us to Real Sports aka the bar with the huge TV. Our imaginary balls are tingling with excitement. I think this might be heaven. With all our sins we are allowed into the pearly gates as shown here.

Also on our agenda we plan on having a classy ass dinner where the TBB will get all dolled up to eat at the top of the CN tower. Afterwards we plan on going drinking and possible dancing. What is not on the schedule is to be roofied. I will try very hard not to get roofied and I will try not to roofie my friend as I’m in the process of getting roofied. If anybody knows of some sites that are a must to see while we are visiting please email us “ey”.

Baseball notes
Things are not going well for my Mets. They have lost the last 8 out of 9 games and now Johan Santana has been put on the DL for a right ankle sprain. It is said that he will take more then the minimum 15 days to recover and we are looking at him starting again for the Aug 7^TH-12^th homestand. I can’t say I didn’t see it coming. Thanks for making the beginning of the season entertaining boys. I already know how the season is going to end.

Serena’s future husband Justin Morneau is on paternity leave. Yup that’s right paternity leave. He is attending the birth of his second child. I don’t think Serena and I even knew he had a fist child. God this is so awkward now. Morneau has a maximum of three days to be away from the team.

The Atlanta Braves staged a stunning comeback on Friday. They entered the 6^th inning down 9-0 and by the end of the eighth they cut their loss to only being down by one run. The Braves went on to lead it in the 9^th but a rare blown save by Craig Kimbrel postponed the win to the 11^th inning when they won 11-10. Cue in LL Cool J “Don’t call it a comeback” That being said I am making the Braves the TBB super hero of the week for such a great comeback.

American Airlines is the A-hole of the week. Why you ask? Because the morons lost my luggage on April 25^th on my way to Punta Cana. It is now July 22nd and they have yet to compensate me for a dime. Good luck trying to complain because you can’t talk to supervisor ever and talking to customer service is like dealing with a politician answering a question.

Well it’s been real kids. Remember next week we will be out of the country so in the words of the soup nazi on Seinfeld- “NO BLOG FOR YOU! “

Our Dearest Timmy

We discussed our own version of a New York Old Timer’s Team last week. It’s quite clear that we’d have the most legendary nursing home ever to grace the planet Earth. And we’d be the nurses in charge, meaning we wouldn’t have to change any bed pans. In the spirit of that blog post, we asked if you’d be down for an Old Timer’s Day if your team doesn’t already have one. Surprisingly, no one voted for, “I hate old people. Senior citizens belong in the nursing home.” We’re shocked because you guys tend to vote for the a-hole choices and that was definitely the a-hole choice available to you. 4 of you chose, “Yes! It’s bad ass and they’d probably give me a better game than the young pricks I watch now.” This is most definitely true. Listening to Paul O’Neil run around the field with a mic on was infinitely more entertaining than watching Alex Rodriguez do nothing at the plate and continue to frustrate Serena’s fantasy offense numbers. Selfish penal implant that he is. There are fantasy team owners counting on him! Doesn’t he care???


Onto more important matters. What is the malfunction with Tim Lincecum these days? He has a win-loss record of 3-10 and his ERA is 6.42! WTF? Meanwhile, in Pittsburgh, AJ F*CKING Burnett has a record of 10-2 and his ERA is 3.68. It’s like Hell has frozen over and any day now, we’re going to see pigs flying. There’s only one thing that can be done to right this Titanic of a situation and that is to write a letter. It’s come to our attention that our letters may quite possibly have magical powers.  Observe: Daniel Murphy had a f*cked up moustache and was suffering from a major slump at the plate. We wrote a letter. The offensive stache is gone and now Murphy’s hitting again. AJ Burnett was a giant asstastic f*ck up in Pinstripes, but following two break-up letters from us and a departure for Pittsburgh, he has managed to reach the All Star Break with a better record than a Cy Young Award-winning pitcher (our favorite Cy Young Award-winning pitcher). Clearly what Timmy is in need of is a letter written to him by his #1 fans and best friends in the whole wide world: us. Who are we to deny him this necessity?

Our Dearest Gum Drop Timmy,

What up, mother f*ckaaaaa! Whatcha been up to? How’s it hanging? How’s mom doing? Dad? The dog? Still recovering from St. Patty’s? That was a sick night, bitch. Murphy really f*cked up by going to spring training instead. He missed a happening good time. *Cyber High-Five*

We’re doing okay. We did some beach yoga yesterday. You would’ve loved it. You could’ve gone swimming with Serena afterwards because, as you know, Lisa doesn’t swim. She would’ve waved to you from the shoreline and called for help if you were attacked by a shark…unfortunately, Serena would’ve left you splashing in a frothy pool of your own blood. She loves sharks, but she’s not stupid. Survival of the fittest and all that. But don’t worry. Lisa TOTALLY would’ve dialed 911.

ANYWAY, the real reason for our letter. It seems to us that you’re feeling a bit down. Do you have a very bad illness that you’ve decided not to tell us about? We can handle it, ya know. We want to be there for you. Are you depressed? Are you going through a severe break up? This would be slightly alarming to us seeing as how you’ve never mentioned a girlfriend, but we’d still be there for you to get you through this tough time. The reason why we’re pestering you with all of these probing questions is that we’ve been noticing that you’re pitching…well…how do we say this without hurting your feelings? You’ve been pitching like an a-hole. A real hairy a-hole. We just checked your stats and a very detailed chart on ESPN.com informed us that you have an 18.90 ERA against the Washington Nationals. In fact, your ERA from this afternoon’s game is 16.20. How the F*CK does someone manage that? How is this even mathematically possible? How bad of a game do you have to throw in order for this to be your legitimate stat? Lisa can throw a more effective game than that and she makes the equivalent to the cost of a hot dog compared to you. Seriously. She’s also never played baseball before. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Obviously, something is going on here and it’s deeper than just messed up mechanics because in the three games that you DID win, you were the dominant Timmy of old! It’s clear that no one cares about you like we do because no one has done anything to fix this. Is Barry Zito too busy working on his comb over or conjuring up some other fashion disaster to spend a little time with you to get your head straight? Thank GOD you have us in your life. Where would you be without us? We hate to do this to you, but we have no choice to put you on a strict regiment to get you back on track. We don’t like acting like dictators, but you’ve really put us in a bad spot here. Going forward, your week will look like this:

Monday:

·   Smoke weed.

·   10 cents wings and $4 draft beer at an ale house of your choosing (we understand that it may not be physically possible for you to travel to New York every week to hang out with us at Croxley’s). Bonus points for finding an ale house that serves cheaper wings and draft beer. That gets you a *Cyber High-Five*

·   Fall asleep in starfish pose in the middle of your living room wearing nothing but your underwear.

Tuesday:

·  Smoke weed.

·  Attend a zumba or belly dancing class.

·  Taco Bell. Order and eat a minimum of $15 worth.

·  Release your inner pirate. Wear an eye patch while sipping on Captain Morgan.

Wednesday:

·    Smoke weed.

·   Participate in a session of a yoga type of your choosing.

·   Eat a bag of Oreos.

·   Watch a How I Met Your Mother marathon.

·   Contemplate the Cecilia Venn Diagram. In your case, it’s probably more like the Barry Zito Venn Diagram.

·   Enjoy a cigar and a glass of scotch for your hard work today.

Thursday:

·    Smoke weed.

·    Beer pong.

·    Practice your inversions in the middle of the freeway. If you can dodge a car, you can dodge a ball. More importantly, if you can find inner peace upside down in a sea of fast-moving vehicles, than you are on the path to enlightenment…or some sh*t like that.

·    Over-order Domino’s Pizza online and only eat half of it because you’re full. Just remember to order before 2 am because they close.

Friday:

·   Smoke weed, immediately followed by a shot of Jameson.

·   Run through town in your boxer shorts, screaming your head off that you’re being chased by zombies. This is your cardio. Embrace it.

·   Eat a Twinkie.

·   Prank call Barry Zito several times from different phone numbers. If you can accomplish 6 prank calls without him realizing it’s you, you’re still on the path to enlightenment. We recommend that you start off with, “Tom Selleck called. He wants his moustache back.”

Saturday:

·  Smoke weed.

·  Attend a cardio-kickboxing class with the Fit Fem.

·  Find out who that lady is who had been escorted onto the field following Matt Cain’s perfect game. Text the TBB the answer.

·  Eat spicy noodles or Pad Thai with a side of Thai fried rice.

·  Since you’ll feel slightly dehydrated, make yourself a margarita (only use Patron or else you’ll get a headache and all of your training will be for nothing), wear a sombrero, and stick a fake moustache on your upper lip. If you can drink your cocktail without your fake moustache falling off, you’re so close to enlightenment that you’re practically making out with it.

·  Go to bed early because you need to rest up for your big day tomorrow. Wear your sports bra and yoga pants in order to ensure adequate REM sleep.

Sunday:

·  Smoke weed.

·  You might be feeling a little nervous and dehydrated, so you’ll want to throw back a shot of Café Patron.

·  Pitch a perfect game.

·  Call the TBB to thank them for their sound advice.
·     *Cyber High-Five*

In conclusion, follow this strict regiment EXACTLY as we’ve dictated it and you shall return to the game bigger and better than before. EXACTLY as we’ve dictated it. Do not vary it in any way shape or form. Do not do Monday’s tasks on Friday or you’ll mess everything up…and get herpes. Remember, we know what’s best for you and we’ll look forward to being escorted onto the field when you throw your perfect game.


Oh, and before we forget, it should be noted that you shouldn’t drink water after midnight for you will turn into a gremlin…actually, come to think of it, you’re better off being safe than sorry. No water. Just booze.


Kiss Noise.


Sincerely,
Your Traveling Baseball Babes/Life Coaches


PS -
See you on August 14^th for Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day!


Now for our A-hole of the Week. This week’s a-hole is Dustin Pedroia for saying, “I’m a lizard. I heal while I play. I’m a freak healer. I heal great.” No. You’re an asshat and you look like a hairy crypt keeper. Thank you for playing. Have a nice day. Our TBB Super Hero of the Week is Sean Rodriguez of the Tampa Bay Rays for playing this prank on teammates, James Shields and David Price.


Next weekend, we regret to inform you that the TBB will be taking their own All Star Break. Unfortunately, we won’t be doing anything as fun as hitting home runs, chasing mascots, or frolicking around the base paths. We’ll be partaking in bridal party duties for two totally separate weddings. Maybe if you’re lucky, we’ll post a drunk photo or two from our respective parties, but we doubt it. We’re ugly drunks.

Italian Sausage

Last week, Serena was solo (hence, the word “vagina” being used twice without any sort of quality control). MLB had begun its campaign for the All Star Game already, so Serena asked how you guys voted. 5 people said that they sit with the ballot and carefully think about each option before selecting the player they deem most appropriate. 2 individuals said that the use The Force. No one said that they pick the most popular players (in fact, they don’t know why that they’re not allowed to still vote for Ken Griffrey Jr.) and no one didn’t understand question and wouldn’t respond.
  

You might be wondering about what today’s blog theme is about. Italian sausage? Really? Are they talking about food AGAIN. Well…sort of. While watching last night’s Yankees game against the Royals, Alex Rodriguez stepped up to the plate. Here’s how our conversation went:

Lisa: Wow, he’s got some big thighs.

Serena (smacking her own chunk-tastic thighs): The curse of third base.

(Rodriguez adjusts his man-junk area)
Lisa: And apparently so is his junk.
Serena: Ya know, he looks like he’s huge.
Lisa: Yeah. He looks like he’s hung.

This got us thinking…who ELSE looks like he’s packing heat? In defense of this topic, they do have lists of baseball’shottest girlfriends/wives. Why can we cover…sausages? Disclaimer: we should note that we’ve never seen ANY of these private male parts that we’re discussing. This is strictly opinion.

For example, we’re pretty sure that Albert Pujols has a baby’s arm in his pants. In fact, to quote Lisa, “he probably has to roll it up in order to tuck it into his cup.” Wish we took video of this demonstration. At one point, she flung “it” over her shoulder and wrapped it around her leg. We’d go so far as to assume that Pujols is the biggest in the league. Hall of Fame worthy. We’re also confident that Brian Wilson is hung, BUT he has his beard in his pants, which is a serious problem. It’s like a thick, wooded area without civilization that will take you at least 45 minutes to find your way out of. Truly terrifying. The only way it could get scarier is if it was red. Other men that we’ve decided are well-endowed are Joe Mauer, Ryan Howard, CC Sabathia (he looks like a f*cking grizzly bear), Mike Jacobs (even though he’s no longer playing), Brian McCann, Tim Hudson, Matt Holliday, and unfortunately, Carlos Beltran. This might be the only thing that Beltran has going for him because his personality sucks and so does mole. Oh, yes, AND his taste in music.

We briefly discussed one of New York’s Golden Boys (TOWSNBN).
Lisa: I don’t think he’s long, but…
Serena: I think he’s stocky…
Lisa: YES!
Serena: Like his body…
Lisa: EXACTLY!
To clarify, stocky=girthy.

Now for the boys we think have more of a string bean in their pants than a sausage. We’re thinking that New York’s OTHER Golden Boy, Derek Jeter, has a long, but thin noodle…just based on his body. A long, lean noodle. Unfortunately, we think that our honorary TBB, Tim Lincecum, might be small as well. He just looks like he physically couldn’t handle carrying around a Louisville Slugger in his pants. He’d topple over and royally f*ck up his delivery to the plate. Other players that we think are small are Matt Cain, Cole Hamels (and this truly does pain Lisa to think this), Josh Beckett, Dustin Pedroia, Ichiro Suzuki (he’s probably built like Mr. Chow), Jeff Franceour (we’re sad to admit this), and Jose Reyes. Lisa would like to issue a challenge to Hamels to prove to her that he doesn’t have a small Twinkie.

There were a few that we couldn’t decide on. Jayson Werth, for one. He could easily go either way, but he may smell…down there. Like a men’s lockerroom. Justin Verlander is hard to tell also, but we think he probably smells nicer…down there. NOT like a men’s lockeroom. David Ortiz seems like he’s either enormous or really small. Other unknowns: Joey Votto, Josh Hamilton, and Barry Zito. Barry Zito’s a big boy, but he’s rocked a comb-over. A comb-over may indicate a small taquito. That’s just two girls’ opinions.

Huston Street belongs in the average sausage category, but he knows how to work it. We once sat in the left field bleachers at the old Yankees Stadium and watched his warm up. Trust us when we say that “the hips do not lie.” That man can do things with his body that no man can do. There are women (us included—and Serena practices yoga) who cannot do what Huston Street can do.

In non-sausage related news, the TBB have decided to run in the Runyon 5K at Yankees Stadium in August. We get to run the warning track. How bad a$$ is that? We probably would’ve done ANY 5K being held at a baseball stadium within driving distance, but it’s a bonus that it’s taking place at one of the New York stadiums. Here’s a brief background on our running capabilities: Serena ran her first 5K last week at the Bronx Zoo. While running 3.1 miles isn’t something that Serena isn’t physically capable of completing relatively easily, she has the attention span of a toddler. In fact, at the Bronx Zoo, the only reason why Serena finished without running off to look at the monkeys is that she ran the entire thing with her cousin, Sara, a cross-country runner. Now we’re going to be running through a stadium, a course that includes being on the field. We’re probably going to lose Serena to the Yankees dugout or bullpen…or closest hot dog stand. Lisa has never run in any sort of race whatsoever. She HAS chased after the ice cream truck and from a creepy dog walker at Shea Stadium though. Once in awhile she runs on the treadmill at the gym, but she certainly can’t claim to enjoy it. It’s a long, tedious mile. What is exciting for Lisa is the prospect that there may be a lot of fit guidos present at this event (seeing as how most guidos in New York are Yankees fans). Perhaps these guidos can run in front of us and Lisa can run after them. One of them can carry a hot dog and a beer and that will be motivation for Serena. Stay tuned for the blog post following that event.

The big baseball note effecting New York this week is the crap with Mariano Rivera. While shagging balls in the outfield during batting practice (not even an actual game), Rivera twisted his knee. Ouch. An injury like that to a player as old as Rivera immediately makes people think that this is it. He’s not coming back. His career is over on a bull sh*t injury. Not so fast. Rivera insists that he’s coming back for 2013, “not going out like this.”

Jered Weaver, another f*ck a$$ who spells his name wrong (and this is more offensive than Andruw since Brother’s name is JARED), pitched himself a no-hitter against the offensively ineffectual Twins this week. While it’s nice to have a no hitter under your belt, what’s it like to accomplish something like this against a team with the major league-worst record (7-18)? We actually had to double-take that statistic there. 7-18??? SEVEN? They’ve only won seven stupid games??? That’s friggin’ AWFUL. Their terrible record actually outshines Weaver’s accomplishment. His no hitter is a backhanded compliment. We’re not even sure it should count. That’s like pitching no-hit ball to the Bad News Bears.

Closing things out with Adele today: “Oh, rumor has it. Oh, rumor has it. The rumor has it that Pujols is rolling up his sausage from the floor.”

All-Star Ballot? Already?

Lisa is in Punta Cana right now, so I regret to inform you that you’ll be dealing with me alone today. I promise to be somewhat well-behaved. Last week, we asked you what you do with yourself when rain shuts down your baseball quality time. Only 3 people had any inclination to vote, which makes me think that we’re starting to lose you people. I realize that we’re a-holes and that a lot of the crap we write on this blog is complete nonsense, but really, we just want to make you laugh. Don’t you find us funny anymore? Did you ever find us funny? Anyway, all 3 folks claimed that they like to get f*cked up and pass out in the middle of the living room when there’s no baseball. This makes me think that we cater to the unique group of individuals known as “alcoholics.” No one chose, “watch a Real Housewives marathon on BRAVO,” “pick my nose (and this was truly a wise decision as I would’ve spent several paragraphs making fun of anyone who chose this option),” or “I don’t understand the question and I won’t respond.”

It’s hard for me to talk about what’s been going on in New York in terms of baseball because I haven’t been able to watch. Why? Cable’s been acting like a real NTAC (no talent a$$ clown), so while I’ve had access to the Real Housewives marathons on BRAVO (just what I need), I’ve had no access to SNY or YES (for those of you out-of-staters, SNY is the network home of the Mets and YES is the network home of the Yankees). I managed to catch the Brewers/Cardinals game on FOX yesterday afternoon, but needless to say, I’ve been quite frustrated with the fact that my only connection to the Mets and Yankees has been via baseball apps on my portable internet machine (the cell phone). However, a nice man showed up today and waved a weird-a$$ device around the apartment that I’m pretty sure the Ghostbusters used to catch Slimer and now I am enjoying YES for the first time all week.

If you’re registered with MLB.com like Lisa and I are, you probably receive at least 5 stupid emails a day. I received a disturbing one yesterday. MLB is already asking fans to vote for this year’s All Stars. How is this even possible? We’re still in the first month of the season. Personally, I feel that voting shouldn’t even begin until June. How could you possible rate players’ performances based on one month of duty? That’s ridiculous. That’s like my boss giving me my performance evaluation for this year now.

Of course, I’m bitching about this as if people aren’t going to vote for the same guys they vote for every year. Let me take a wild guess and say that 50% of the American League starting lineup will be made up of Yankees, 30% will be Red Sox players, and the remaining 20% will be a cocktail of the remaining teams. Oh, and duh, TOWSNBN will obviously be the starting thirdbaseman for the National League because god forbid we should vote someone else into that position. The sad thing is that one of the Yankees that should be considered an All Star will most likely won’t be an All Star because he’s not a big name like Curtis Granderson (this is in no way suggesting that Grandy shouldn’t be an All Star because he’s a fantastic athlete that can do just about anything—bunt, hit for average, hit for power, steal, field, maybe even cook a decent meal and do laundry) nor does he have a lovable, popular personality like Nick Swisher (again, I love Swish, but should he be the starting right fielder for the American League? No…unless, of course, you’re only taking into consideration his April performance). The player I’m talking about is Brett Gardner. Gardy does everything right. He works hard, gets the bunt down, he’s a phenomenal base runner in a time when base running as a skill has taken a giant dump (actually, come to think of it, bunting is another skill that has become a lost art), and he’s a fantastic left fielder! He really doesn’t get enough credit. Plus, even Lisa loves him. That should tell you something since the only other Yankee she is in love with is Derek Jeter. Unfortunately, unless you have the privilege of being able to watch the Yankees on a daily basis (or happen to be an avid fantasy follower), you probably don’t know who Gardy is and since you don’t know who he is, you’re never going to vote him onto the All Star team. It really is a shame.

The All Star ballot will be officially launched on Friday. Do the right thing, folks. Do the right thing.

Baseball notes!

Tim Lincecum continues to cultivate my utter adoration for him. He just doesn’t stop. I wish he would at this point. My affection for him can no longer be deemed healthy. He doesn’t even play in New York. I need to be in love with someone who plays for my team. Yesterday, Padres’ pitcher Anthony Bass carried a perfect game into the 6^th inning when lo and behold, Lincecum stepped up to the plate and ran out an infield single to short stop. Look at that skinny boy hustle down the line. Love that shit. As if that didn’t earn his pay check, the boy pitched 8 innings in the Giants’ 2-1 victory, giving up only 1 unearned run, striking out 5, and walking 4. The walks aren’t so sexy, but the good news is that Timmy looks to be returning to form.

Today, Braves’ fans will have the pleasure of seeing Tim Hudson make his 2012 debut after recovering from spinal fusion surgery. Even more good news is that the Braves could potentially get Brian McCann back for Monday night. McCann left Friday’s game early with a strained right intercostal muscle. I sincerely wish I could speak to that injury but I don’t even know what an intercostal muscle is…or what body part it’s attached to. For all I know, it’s something in his ear.

Michael Pineda is officially out for the season, requiring surgery to repair his torn anterior labral. Again, I wish I knew what this was, but based on what I’ve heard, I am pretty confident that this is something in his shoulder. Especially considering I don’t think Pineda has a vagina. This is probably an extremely inappropriate joke, but as I said earlier, Lisa isn’t here so I don’t have anyone keeping me in check.

If you hate Justin Verlander (and I don’t know how that’s possible seeing as how he loves Taco Bell), I dare you to watch this video and not become all squishy inside for him.

Lastly, anyone not rooting for a team in the NL East want to take a stab at who is leading the division? It’s not the Phillies or the Mets. It’s not even the Marlins, who talked a lot (and I mean, a lot) of shit this off-season. The Marlins, with their fancy new stadium, are in last place. The team leading the NL East is the Washington Nationals, followed closely by the Braves. What a shocker. Good for them. Shake things up in the east.  

Before I sign off, I just want to give folks the heads up that the 3^rd Annual Fred K’s Cancer Event has been relocated from Cantiague Park to Eisenhower Park (North Linden Picnic Area, Parking Field 6A) due to a scheduling mix-up on the part of Nassau County. We hope to see as many people as possible, so please join us on Saturday, June 23^rd, where you’ll get a chance to meet and walk with The Freds. You may even meet a few folks that are listed in the TBB Lingo & Cronies page of this blog. Also, if there is any way I can sell something of Lisa to you in order to convince you to come down, I’ll be more than happy to do that. She’s not here to defend herself, so I’m allowed to do this. I mean, I can’t sell her body to you or anything like that, but almost everything else is open for negotiations. Very exciting stuff. You can register to participate online here.  

Next week, Lisa will be back so there’ll be no vagina jokes. Swear.

-Serena