Dear A-Hole, We Mean Mr. Cano

We're not going to waste a lot of time recapping the ridonkulous week that New York baseball has had because we're pretty confident that you're all up to date. And if you have no idea what we're talking about, you've probably been living in an underground shelter prepping for Doomsday. Today, we felt it necessary to write Robinson Cano a letter expressing our regrets in his departure.

Dear Mr. Cano,
How are you? Are you well? Physically? Mentally? How's the offseason treating you? Catch any good movies? Feed any homeless people? Truth be told, you should probably be caring for LOTS of homeless people since you've recently raped the Seattle Mariners' bank account for the purpose of feeding your ego.

We understand that each individual is entitled to pursue a higher salary and better benefits at other companies. Really. We do. We are not rolling in extra dough or anything like that, so trust us when we say that we understand the motive. That being said, you've got some set of BALLS to use money as an excuse to leave (as do all of your peers). Your salaries are not even in the same solar system as the average Joe. The average Joe leaves his company for more money because he feels pressure to pay his bills on time, feed his family, etc. You and the rest of the league are just gluttons. When your home team offers you a salary of over $160 million, you take it. $240 million is pure selfishness. Who are you? Scrooge McDuck? Do you have plans to build a vault where you can swim in your money?

Don't defend yourself by saying something along the lines of, "the Yankees didn't respect me with their negotiations" or "the Yankees tried to underpay for me." Listen here. The Yankees MADE you. You would not be anything without the Yankees. Their offer would have been the furthest thing from underpaying you. The Mariners overpaid for you. The fact of the matter is...you're f*cking lazy. You're going to be on your best behavior for the first season of your contract and then you're going to return to your lazy tendencies. Probably take a few trips to the DL for something stupid like pink eye. Furthermore, $160 million is respectable enough. It's actually disgusting that you feel (that ANY of you ball players feel) that you deserve that salary or more. The fact that you left the Yankees for a team that will most likely not see the playoffs for next four seasons (at least) is proof enough that you care nothing for "respect," loyalty, the team, your fans, or the game. All you care about is money.

One piece of advice before we go and before you relocate to a city where it rains approximately150 days of the year (226 cloudy days a year - which means you'll only see the sun 139 days each year): ditch Jay-Z. He's a rapper. Not a sports agent. He's quickly made you the next Alex Rodriguez, which makes him Scott Boras. Do you know how many people like Scott Boras? We're willing to bet that the list is probably only 5 people long, 2 of them being his parents. Even that might be a stretch.

So, farewell. We'll see you when the Mariners come to town. You'll hear us. We'll be the ones booing. We'd throw spare change at you, but honestly, you don't need it and we do.

Gracefully Yours,
The Traveling Baseball Babes

The 2 TBB Wolfpack

Keeping with our policy of reporting to you the most excellent stadium tour summaries that we possibly can, we wanted to know how we could better these reports for our upcoming tours. Unfortunately, it appears that only 4 people want us to improve ourselves. Thanks a lot, people. You’re absolutely no help whatsoever. Just go ahead and let us rot with failure. Of the 4 of you who actually give a crap, the feedback was split between “Eat more food and report back because it’s clear that your stomachs are bottomless pits and it shouldn’t be a problem” and “More fan interaction because it’s great when you guys make complete a-holes out of yourselves.” This is somewhat encouraging because the other two options were a little mean: “More pictures of the stadium because I’m so tired of seeing your stupid faces” and “Just stop. Please stop. I cannot stand you two and I don’t even know why I check this site anymore.”

Before we get into today’s post, we’d like you to show some support our dear friend, Linda by voting for her in MLB’s Honorary Bat Girl contest. To read her story and vote, search “zizabella4915.” Linda is a warm, loving individual with a lot of spirit and fight. This is why she is our TBB Super Hero of the Week.

We’re blogging today from a waiting room at a Patient Service Center. Thankfully, neither of us are dead or dying (that we know of at least), but we are a bit frustrated. That is all we’re permitted to tell you about that at this time. Suffice it to say that we have a most excellent surprise for you, but we can’t tell you what it is yet. Very exciting. Don’t you just hate it when people do that? But now that we’ve got you hooked, we know that you’ll tune in next week to find out what the surprise is. We’re pretty smart like that.

Anyway, onward to the good sh*t. We bought our Brewers tickets this week for the bargain price of $114 (total with tax and service fees). This may sound a bit steep considering where we normally sit, but wait til’ you see the seats we actually scored. They’re located in an infield box on the third base side. We’d like to remind you that we’ll be seeing the Brewers play the Giants…and where does the away sit during the game? Oh, yes. The third base side. Don’t you worry your orange and black hats, boys, the TBB are gonna get you and bring you back to their cozy TBB beds. *Insert diabolical laugh*

We’ll be purchasing our airfare this weekend. Twins tickets go on sale on Saturday, March 26th, so we’re 95% of the way there. Of course, we still have to buy our airfare to Denver, but we’ve got plenty of time for that.

We’ve decided to open up a TBB Sweepstakes to keep our fans stimulated. What is the prize? Just going to Mets Opening Day with Lisa. For a chance to win, email us by April 1st with your name, email address, a contact number, and a paragraph about why you deserve to go with her. The winner’s entry will be posted to that week’s blog.

For some reason, the baseball notes we found this week were incredibly amusing to us. For starters, Carlos Beltran apparently approached manager Terry Collins about moving from center to right field because, “this is not about Carlos. This is about team.” Are you friggin’ sh*tting us? Since WHEN is this not about Carlos? Angel Pagan, who covered center in Beltran’s absence last year, will likely take over. If this is a completely selfless act on Beltran’s part, then Lisa is the Prime Minister of Greece and Serena will be replacing Elizabeth II on the throne any day now.

Just before the Yankees took on the Astros, Mark Teixeira announced that he’s parted ways with his long-time agent…none other than the devil himself, Scott Boras. According to Teixeira, “sometimes it’s time to make a little change.” Oh, it’s like justice has been delivered…sort of. It’d be poetry if every client he’s ever had up and left him in the gutter to be “murdered by crystal meth tweakers.”

So long for today, suckers. “What do the TBB dream of when they take a little TBB snooze? Do they dream of mauling Beltran or looking hot in a Catwoman suit? Don’t you worry your little worried heads, we’re gonna get you back to the stadiums and the yummy baseball foods. And then you’re not gonna find your ex-BFFER, Brad and you’re certainly not gonna give him a best friend hug. Brad. Oh, Brad. Oh, Brad (this is not us moaning, by the way). But if he’s been murdered by crystal meth tweakers, well then the A’s are sh*t out of luck.”

PS- In case you couldn’t tell, we watched The Hangover this weekend…a few times.

Coming Soon: Baseball 2011

So then, little TBB ducklings, do you feel educated about baseball game fashion? After presenting you with what we feel is a sound case against fashion criminals, we asked if you agreed with our assessment. 5 of you totally support us and are super glad that us lovely ladies (your words, not ours) took the time to explain the situation to you. In fact, those faux pas fans are hairy a-holes. Sadly, 1 individual is confused. Sir or Madam, please email us so that we can explain it in more detail to you…if that’s even possible.

It’s an exciting time for baseball fans! Spring training is nearly upon us! Pitchers and catchers begin reporting on February 14th…gag us with a chocolate heart. Full squad workouts start on the 19th and by 23rd, all players will have reported for duty. The Yankees’ staff and roster in particular will report on the 15th and 20th, while the Mets report on the 17th and 21st.

Andy Pettitte Watch 2011 still continues. Wow…we suppose that things really are more slow-paced than New York down in Texas. Will you make a friggin’ decision already? We love you, but we can’t take it anymore! It’s like a bad horror film starring Neve Campbell.

The big news in the MLB this week is that Trevor Hoffman has officially announced his retirement at the age of 43. He leaves the game as the all-time saves leader with 601 over the course of 18 seasons (552 of these saves coming with the Padres). Since Mariano Rivera has the mind of a 22-year old who may never retire, this opens the door for him to surpass Hoffman’s feat. Okay, Trevor. You can be TBB Super Hero of the Week if you want to. You’ve talked us into it.

Josh Hamilton was hospitalized on Monday after being diagnosed with an early case of pneumonia. He was treated at a local hospital and fortunately, should be able to resume conditioning and baseball-related activities within the next several days.

RHP Kris Benson told FOXsports.com that he’s “done” after playing 9 seasons. He felt that his history of elbow and shoulder injuries have prevented him from being at his best saying, “I’ve been putting way too much into it and not getting enough out of it, as far as rehab, working out, training, and then not getting the type of results I expect from myself.” Benson pitched for the Mets during the 2004-2005 seasons, at one time pitching 70 consecutive innings without surrendering a home run. In September 2004, Benson won the Mets Best Pitcher Award (which we’re pretty sure is a made up accomplishment) with an ERA 2.25. He left the Mets at the end of the 2005 season for Baltimore with a 4.32 ERA for the two seasons, including 242.1 innings pitched with 146 strikeouts and having given up 236 hits, 123 runs, and 32 home runs. Additionally, he was a beautiful man and will be missed.

Poetic justice seems to be prevailing here. Scott Boras’ biggest names are still unemployed: Andruw Jones, Manny Ramirez, and Johnny Damon. Of the three players named here, the only one who may be of some use in a DH role is Johnny Damon (and yes, it pains Serena to admit this). Since he’s a waste of sperm in the outfield, this basically only leaves the American League as an option for Damon and DH spots are few and far between these days. As for the other two, they’ve outlived their “use” several seasons ago. The Braves and Red Sox were right to ditch them when they did. Not that this should matter to these NTAC’s. They’ll still be able to retire rich.

Tune in next week for our in-depth analysis of the Wright Stache: Do naked lips really prevent championships? We go behind the scenes (since we’re clearly experts on facial hair as shown here).