Sunday, January 26, 2014

If We Ruled The MLB

People keep asking if we're excited for Opening Day. Lisa is excited to go to the game and enjoy the festivities, but truthfully Serena is simply disgusted. It has nothing to do with the Mets, Yankees, or even going to a baseball game. She's just not looking forward to the start of the season period. After last season's steroid circus involving what seemed like 70% of the league and this offseason's discussion of newly signed record-breaking contracts, it's quite clear that America's pastime is in the toilet. With this in mind, we decided to compile a list of changes we would enact if we were in charge.

1. Salary caps.
    Where do you find the balls demanding over $200 million dollars playing a game that children play? Our military is treated like second rate citizens a lot of the time and yet these a-holes pitch one game every four days (ahem, Clayton Kershaw) and they feel like they deserve to be the next Richie Rich. Yes, we acknowledge that the teams are enabling these players to demand such high salaries, but that's only half the problem. The player is the other half. This offseason, the Yankees made a stand and refused to pay what Robinson Cano/Jay-Z asked for. If the rest of the MLB had simply walked away from his outrageous demands, where would that have left Cano? Unemployed and feeling a bit sheepish. However, the Mariners catered to his greed and now here we are. No more of this crap. We don't care how wealthy/poor your franchise is. We don't care how wealthy/underpaid you think you are as a player. Across the board, we'd establish a salary cap (much lower than what you're all currently making). Bonuses and raises will be determined at the end of each season based on your performance evaluation just like the rest of this country's job market.

2. Performance.
    If we don't do our job, we get written up, suspended, and/or fired. So, guess what? When you don't run out ground balls, make an effort in the field or at the plate, or when you disobey your superiors (like your coaching staff or the franchise itself), you will penalized. Simply being benched doesn't work for you because even though you're not playing, you're still being paid an inflated salary that you don't deserve. Therefore, your punishments will hit you where you care about the most. Your wallet. Should your superiors feel that you could use a good "benching" as well, then so be it. Temper tantrums on or off the field are not going to be tolerated anymore. DUI's are not going to be tolerated anymore. You have more money than Scrooge McDuck. Call a f*cking taxi service.

3. Cleanliness.
    Wash your f*cking hair. Is that so much to ask for? In the corporate world, there is a dress code policy. Failure to adhere to the policy may result in an employee's punishment or termination. This same attitude should apply to you. Again, with your income, the fact that you show up to work looking like a homeless man is unacceptable. You'll get one verbal warning and after that, you will be paying stiff fines.

4. Substance Abuse Policy.
    It's quite clear that none of you take the current policy seriously. We suspect that some of you don't even know what the policy is. We looked it up for you:

Failure to comply with treatment program

  • First failure to comply: 15 to 25 day suspension and/or a fine of up to $10,000
  • Second failure to comply: 25 to 50 day suspension and/or a fine of up to $25,000
  • Third failure to comply: 50 to 75 day suspension and/or a fine of up to $50,000
  • Fourth failure to comply: minimum one year suspension and/or a fine of up to $100,000
  • Any subsequent failure(s) to comply: The level of the discipline will be determined by the Office of the Commissioner, consistent with the concept of progressive discipline.
All suspensions are without pay.

Positive steroid test results

  • First positive test result: 50 game suspension
  • Second positive test result: 100 game suspension
  • Third positive test result: lifetime ban from MLB
All suspensions are without pay. In addition, a suspended player can be replaced on the active roster by another player. If a player is on the disabled list, the suspension is served while on the disabled list.

Conviction for use of prohibited substances

  • First offense: 15 to 30 day suspension and/or a fine of up to $10,000
  • Second offense: 30 to 90 day suspension and/or a fine of up to $50,000
  • Third offense: minimum one year suspension and/or a fine of up to $100,000
  • Fourth offense: minimum two year suspension
  • Any subsequent offense(s): The level of the discipline will be determined by the Office of the Commissioner, consistent with the concept of progressive discipline.
All suspensions are without pay.

This needs serious revamping. Game suspensions are a great idea. We support that entirely, however here's the one part we think needs revising: "if the player is on the disabled list, the suspension is served while on the disabled list." BULLSH*T. You finish out your DL and once that's complete, you will serve your suspension. If you're already not playing due to an injury, a suspension is not a punishment.

Our big problem is the fines. $10,000 to someone who has a contract worth $100-200 million does not give a sh*t about $10,000. The fine needs to be so astronomical that you won't want to take the risk.

Another change we'll be implementing involves the testing process. We'll be honest, you're not going to like it. F*ck the random drug tests. Obviously they're not working and you've all found little ways to get around it. Until the League can behave and we feel that the dirty laundry is finally clean, you're all pissing into a cup every day. Every damn day. Every time you report to the ballpark, you'll be getting tested. Your testing will also be monitored closely by a professional so that there'll be no risk of sample switching or tampering. We're sorry that it's come to this, but it's clear that you can't be trusted. Until you earn our trust back, you will be treated as such. Don't like it? Stop acting like f*cktards.

5. Instant replay.
  Gone. Not up in here. It's stupid and the person who thought of instituting it in baseball is an a-hole. We will concede to reviewing home runs, but that's it. The duration of the game is long enough.

6. Wild Card playoff game.
   Also gone. It's stupid and basically only serves to generate more revenue. Don't try to feed us the bullsh*t that you're trying to give other teams the opportunity to see playoff action. You're lying. Playoffs are for the best teams. If you don't have the best record, feel free to take a seat on your couch for the month of October. Reflect on your past season and think about why you sucked so bad. Strategize on how you can better improve yourself and your team. To be frank, you're lucky we don't revert back to the ancient times where there were no playoff rounds and the best NL team and the best AL team faced off in the World Series to determine the league champion.

7. Prices.
   Teams will all seriously evaluate the amount of money it costs to run their franchise, including salaries, benefits, electric, water, rent, supplies, etc. We will then determine the appropriate pricing for tickets, parking, and concessions. We don't want you to lose money, but there is absolutely no need for you to hose your fan base. It's safe to say that at least half of your fans are unable to attend a game at your ballpark because they can't afford it. What, then, is your purpose exactly? Is baseball not a form of entertainment? If spectators can't afford to pay for the entertainment, why does the entertainment exist in the first place? It's bad enough that the world as we know it is geared to the affluent. Baseball should not be limited to the wealthy. It should be accessible to all. $7 for a hot dog is horse sh*t. Pull your heads from your asses.

Is there anything you think we missed? Anything you disagree with? Share with us in the comments section of this blog post. 


  1. they need a salary basement too.

    maybe the Yankees didn't want to resign Cano all along? they ended up signing Tanaka for just a few million per year less.

    stadium prices are ridiculous! the handful of Nats games I went to last year, I got the tix off of to see Harvey pitch for like $7 or $8! I don't know how you guys can end up eating so much at games. lol

    opps , almost forgot, I liked 1 wild card team only, I thought it added a lot interest without taking away anything.

    1. Cano was merely an example we were using. Like if all the teams just agreed to stop catering to these assholes, maybe they'd have to stop and reconsider their methods.

      Also, pitching is more important than second base. Just sayin'.

  2. You ladies make valid points, and have some great ideas. Especially when it comes to the salaries caps and drug testing. They need to fix that crap. I guess that's one of the reasons I prefer the minors. The tix are reasonably priced, although the Triple-A teams are starting to p*ss me off. If Serena is unhappy with the current MLB product, she's more than welcome to join me for some minor league action. Also, you used the word 'f*cktards'. That's an awesome word..

    1. "Minor-league action?" Sounds like amateur naughty time. Haha. Dirty.

      We are glad you can appreciate the beauty of our vocabulary. Some people just don't get us. ;)