If We Ruled The MLB

People keep asking if we're excited for Opening Day. Lisa is excited to go to the game and enjoy the festivities, but truthfully Serena is simply disgusted. It has nothing to do with the Mets, Yankees, or even going to a baseball game. She's just not looking forward to the start of the season period. After last season's steroid circus involving what seemed like 70% of the league and this offseason's discussion of newly signed record-breaking contracts, it's quite clear that America's pastime is in the toilet. With this in mind, we decided to compile a list of changes we would enact if we were in charge.

1. Salary caps.
    Where do you find the balls demanding over $200 million dollars playing a game that children play? Our military is treated like second rate citizens a lot of the time and yet these a-holes pitch one game every four days (ahem, Clayton Kershaw) and they feel like they deserve to be the next Richie Rich. Yes, we acknowledge that the teams are enabling these players to demand such high salaries, but that's only half the problem. The player is the other half. This offseason, the Yankees made a stand and refused to pay what Robinson Cano/Jay-Z asked for. If the rest of the MLB had simply walked away from his outrageous demands, where would that have left Cano? Unemployed and feeling a bit sheepish. However, the Mariners catered to his greed and now here we are. No more of this crap. We don't care how wealthy/poor your franchise is. We don't care how wealthy/underpaid you think you are as a player. Across the board, we'd establish a salary cap (much lower than what you're all currently making). Bonuses and raises will be determined at the end of each season based on your performance evaluation just like the rest of this country's job market.

2. Performance.
    If we don't do our job, we get written up, suspended, and/or fired. So, guess what? When you don't run out ground balls, make an effort in the field or at the plate, or when you disobey your superiors (like your coaching staff or the franchise itself), you will penalized. Simply being benched doesn't work for you because even though you're not playing, you're still being paid an inflated salary that you don't deserve. Therefore, your punishments will hit you where you care about the most. Your wallet. Should your superiors feel that you could use a good "benching" as well, then so be it. Temper tantrums on or off the field are not going to be tolerated anymore. DUI's are not going to be tolerated anymore. You have more money than Scrooge McDuck. Call a f*cking taxi service.

3. Cleanliness.
    Wash your f*cking hair. Is that so much to ask for? In the corporate world, there is a dress code policy. Failure to adhere to the policy may result in an employee's punishment or termination. This same attitude should apply to you. Again, with your income, the fact that you show up to work looking like a homeless man is unacceptable. You'll get one verbal warning and after that, you will be paying stiff fines.

4. Substance Abuse Policy.
    It's quite clear that none of you take the current policy seriously. We suspect that some of you don't even know what the policy is. We looked it up for you:

Failure to comply with treatment program

• First failure to comply: 15 to 25 day suspension and/or a fine of up to $10,000
• Second failure to comply: 25 to 50 day suspension and/or a fine of up to $25,000
• Third failure to comply: 50 to 75 day suspension and/or a fine of up to $50,000
• Fourth failure to comply: minimum one year suspension and/or a fine of up to $100,000
• Any subsequent failure(s) to comply: The level of the discipline will be determined by the Office of the Commissioner, consistent with the concept of progressive discipline.

All suspensions are without pay.

Positive steroid test results

• First positive test result: 50 game suspension
• Second positive test result: 100 game suspension
• Third positive test result: lifetime ban from MLB

All suspensions are without pay. In addition, a suspended player can be replaced on the active roster by another player. If a player is on the disabled list, the suspension is served while on the disabled list.

Conviction for use of prohibited substances

• First offense: 15 to 30 day suspension and/or a fine of up to $10,000
• Second offense: 30 to 90 day suspension and/or a fine of up to $50,000
• Third offense: minimum one year suspension and/or a fine of up to $100,000
• Fourth offense: minimum two year suspension
• Any subsequent offense(s): The level of the discipline will be determined by the Office of the Commissioner, consistent with the concept of progressive discipline.

All suspensions are without pay.

This needs serious revamping. Game suspensions are a great idea. We support that entirely, however here's the one part we think needs revising: "if the player is on the disabled list, the suspension is served while on the disabled list." BULLSH*T. You finish out your DL and once that's complete, you will serve your suspension. If you're already not playing due to an injury, a suspension is not a punishment.

Our big problem is the fines. $10,000 to someone who has a contract worth $100-200 million does not give a sh*t about $10,000. The fine needs to be so astronomical that you won't want to take the risk.

Another change we'll be implementing involves the testing process. We'll be honest, you're not going to like it. F*ck the random drug tests. Obviously they're not working and you've all found little ways to get around it. Until the League can behave and we feel that the dirty laundry is finally clean, you're all pissing into a cup every day. Every damn day. Every time you report to the ballpark, you'll be getting tested. Your testing will also be monitored closely by a professional so that there'll be no risk of sample switching or tampering. We're sorry that it's come to this, but it's clear that you can't be trusted. Until you earn our trust back, you will be treated as such. Don't like it? Stop acting like f*cktards.

5. Instant replay.
  Gone. Not up in here. It's stupid and the person who thought of instituting it in baseball is an a-hole. We will concede to reviewing home runs, but that's it. The duration of the game is long enough.

6. Wild Card playoff game.
   Also gone. It's stupid and basically only serves to generate more revenue. Don't try to feed us the bullsh*t that you're trying to give other teams the opportunity to see playoff action. You're lying. Playoffs are for the best teams. If you don't have the best record, feel free to take a seat on your couch for the month of October. Reflect on your past season and think about why you sucked so bad. Strategize on how you can better improve yourself and your team. To be frank, you're lucky we don't revert back to the ancient times where there were no playoff rounds and the best NL team and the best AL team faced off in the World Series to determine the league champion.

7. Prices.
   Teams will all seriously evaluate the amount of money it costs to run their franchise, including salaries, benefits, electric, water, rent, supplies, etc. We will then determine the appropriate pricing for tickets, parking, and concessions. We don't want you to lose money, but there is absolutely no need for you to hose your fan base. It's safe to say that at least half of your fans are unable to attend a game at your ballpark because they can't afford it. What, then, is your purpose exactly? Is baseball not a form of entertainment? If spectators can't afford to pay for the entertainment, why does the entertainment exist in the first place? It's bad enough that the world as we know it is geared to the affluent. Baseball should not be limited to the wealthy. It should be accessible to all. $7 for a hot dog is horse sh*t. Pull your heads from your asses.


Is there anything you think we missed? Anything you disagree with? Share with us in the comments section of this blog post. 

Playoff Pandemonium

Shall we start the blog off with poll results? We asked you a simple question Love or Hate the new playoff structure? Looks like all of you TBB followers came out to vote (10) and these were the results. Eight of you sons of b*tches like this new format which saddens us cause we told you already we hated it and now you are going against us. You should agree with us at all times because we are awesome and hilarious and all around good time. Shame on you! We guess even followers are entitled to their own opinion even if it’s wrong. Two people voted for hate it. We like them. If we knew who you were we would let you buy us beer and wings and experience the most comical day of your life.

Before we go on to baseball related stuff that we think is important enough to grace the pages of this glorious blog we need to mention a few things. Yesterday our friends Maureen and Jerry tied the knot. Congratulations! We had a great time. Serena performed her bridesmaid duties which included acting like a lady and not cursing while Lisa enjoyed the open bar and showing off her Zumba moves on the dance floor. Lisa is tired lazy and will apologize in advance for this blog for its just Daphne today Velma is off working her real job. No word on her stalking storm troopers so she must be behaving herself at The Autism Walk. I wish Serena and the gang all the luck today in raising money and awareness for Autism.

Now onto the baseball sh*t! So let’s have a short and sweet recap. I will try to make this as painless as possible. We found out on Wednesday that the Yankees and Oakland Athletics clinched their division titles.  The Yankees would give Boston a certifiable ass whipping and the Baltimore Orioles would take the first AL wild card spot. Oakland won over Texas causing Texas to claim the second spot. Fun times had by all I am sure.

Speaking of this Wild Card crap lets briefly cover what went down on these one game sudden death elimination (Ok I am being a bit dramatic). On Friday the Braves played the St. Louis Cardinals for the National League Wild Card bullsh*t. It did not end as Lisa would have hoped it to. Lisa was wishing that Carlos Beltran would pull the crap he did in the 2006 National league Championship game when he played for the Mets. In case you forgot he struck out while looking with the winning run on board. Never Forget! She is still looking for closure! Unfortunately that did not happen the Braves had three errors and a bad call by one of the umpires in the eight when Andrelton Simmons hit a fly ball that looked like a given out for the Cardinals. Pete Kozma initially called for the ball but then allowed it to drop between him and Holliday. The fans thought the Braves had loaded the bases while trailing by three runs and one out. Fans would realize that the left field umpire had made a late infield fly ruling calling Simmons out and leaving runners on second and third. It then got pretty ugly. Fans started throwing bottles, cups, and other items on the field causing a 19 minute delay. I love passionate fans. I am making them the TBB Super hero of the week. They are far classier then what Serena and I would have probably done had this happen to one of our teams. Braves would go on to lose 6-3 to the Cardinals. The Cardinals are to play the Washington Nationals today. Lisa is becoming a Nationals fan and will use her hat and free t-shirt as well as her mascot puppet while she roots on the Nats. Lisa refuses to live in a world where Carlos Beltran could possible go to the World Series. In the AL Wild Card game the Baltimore Orioles beat the Texas Rangers with a score of 5-1 and so the Orioles will be playing the Yankees today for the first game of their series. The TBB are hoping for a 4^th game so that we can attend the playoff tickets we purchased. That being said we are allowing the Orioles to win one game. That’s it! I know what you’re saying to yourself.” Those ladies are so sweet to grant that”. Statues should be made of us for our random acts of kindness.

So as stands taking game 1 of their division series are the Cincinnati Reds who beat the San Francisco Giants yesterday with a score of 5-2 and the Detroit Tigers took game 1 over the Oakland Athletics with a score of 3-1. Lot’s of baseball to be had today everyone is playing oh and football too. I suppose I should get this show on the road and mention a few more things so we all can get to drinking beer and watching sports!

Miguel Cabrera won baseball’s first Triple Crown in 45 years on Wednesday night. Cabrera led the American League with a .330 batting average, 44 home runs and 139 RBIs, making him the 15^th Triple Crown winner and the first since Boston’s Carl Yastrzemski in 1967. He did very well on Lisa’s fantasy baseball team but he alone could not carry The Asstastic Bunch to first place we finished in 5^th.

On Thursday I received notification on my portable internet machine from one of the baseball apps that stated late breaking news “Bobby Valentine is fired. “ Let’s be real late breaking news would have been if Bobby Valentine kept his job. Valentine went 69-93 in his only year as the Boston Red Sox manager. It should also be noted that this was the worst record in almost 50 years for Boston. The only person sad about this is Lisa’s mother and it’s not because she is a Boston Fan it’s because she has a crush on him. Speaking of Jobs as one door closes another one opens well not for Bobby V but for former Boston Red Sox manger Terry Francona. Terry has been hired this week to be manager of the Cleveland Indians, a team that collapsed in the second half of the season after a promising four months in the beginning.

Cue in curtains, The End! Go on and enjoy lots of booze, baseball and football you have been dismissed students!

Wild Bullsh*t

The 2012 postseason is almost upon us. Whoo hoo. In preparation for its arrival, we asked what you would like us to cover on our blog. 2 of you want us to blog during a game at a bar while drinking. While we totally understand why you chose this (it's going to be hilarious), we can't help but wonder at your intelligence level. Only 1 person each voted for covering an out-of-market World Series parade or an out-of-market playoff game if the Yankees don't advance. Aren't these options more interesting than us drunk blogging? Thankfully no one voted for us to cover an entire story on Joe Buck's hair. We would've done it because you asked, but we really would've been pissed off about it.

We're trying hard to be excited about the playoffs. The fact that the entire American League situation is still up in the air is pretty thrilling. However, we're not going to lie to you. We do not want to be sitting here with you today and we don't want to talk about the playoffs or baseball. We just want to finish watching the Packers/Saints game, drink our newly purchased pumpkin ale, nap, and then watch the Giants game. Lisa arrived at Serena's house during the second quarter of the Jets/49ers game (what an abortion of a football game). We napped during halftime. Watched the second half. Bought beer. Ate. Watched the first half of the Packers/Saints game. Thought that maybe we should start blogging just to get it over with. Bitched about a variety of things. Finally started blogging.

Here's why we're feeling just a touch flat about the playoffs. That stupid added Wild Card team. It's literally the dumbest idea we've ever heard of. We've come up with more brilliant plans following Jameson shots than this asinine piece of work that the MLB has come up with. That's really saying something because we never remember what happens following Jameson shots. It's bad enough that oftentimes Wild Card teams defeat teams that legitimately have the best record in the league, but you know what? Sh*t happens. Now you're telling us that there is potential for an even sh*ttier team to defeat the team with the best record. Here's how it should work: when you're in little league baseball and you suck, you shouldn't get a trophy. The kids who play the best and win should get a trophy. That's what makes winning so valuable. You get rewarded for your hard work! What's the point in playing if you're going to get a trophy regardless? Why bother putting in effort?

A lot of old-schoolers don't like the Wild Card to begin with. Lisa doesn't love it, Serena's okay with it. It kind of makes things exciting as the season draws near as we wait and see who will qualify. A second Wild Card team from each league is just a joke. You're talking about a team who will have a vastly worse record than the Division leader, yet we're going to reward them for an entire season of mediocrity. Let's look at the NL East for an example. Both the Nationals and Braves have both clinched playoff berths. The next two teams vying for a Wild Card spot are the Cardinals and Dodgers. Both the Nationals and Braves are teams with over 90 wins apiece. The Cardinals and Dodgers currently stand at 85 and 83 wins respectively. That's a gap of 10 victories and yet these two teams get to contend with the same Wild Card spot as the Nationals and Braves? That's not fair. Clearly the Nationals and Braves have been more successful all season. They should be rewarded, not penalized. If the season ended today with the Nationals clinching the NL East with the Braves and Cardinals competing for the Wild Card spot in a one-game playoff, the weaker team could beat the better one just because they performed better in ONE game. It's total bullsh*t.

Baseball notes: RA Dickey, Jered Weaver, and David Price got their 20 wins this week. Hooray for them. Apparently 20-game win seasons are being handed out like wh*res hand out favors.

Today, Mike Trout became the first major league rookie to hit 30 home runs and steal 40 bases...ever. As in, no other rookie has ever done that before. Which basically makes Mike Trout a real American hero.

And that's it right away, as Serena's old boss, Tommy, would say. Peace out, motha fuckaaaaaahs!

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Last week, the big news was that Ryan Braun was cleared of all performance-enhancing drug charges. We asked if you were happy about it. Surprisingly, 5 of you voted, “No. He did it! I know he did! And I’m not gonna rest until I get the evidence I need to prove it!” Only 2 of you chose, “Yes, I love him and his Italian restaurant with the creepy waiters.” We thought he had more fans than this. We’re truly shocked that more of you weren’t supportive of him. 
 

Among the many other things that AJ Burnett does not do well, the man apparently can’t sacrifice bunt to save his eye. AJ took a ball to the eye off his bat during bunting practice. He underwent surgery to repair the fracture and will miss 2-3 months, forcing the Pirates to change their Opening Day starter. While Lisa finds this story amusing (as AJ will most likely have to wear an eye patch while playing for the Pirates), Serena is absolutely flabbergasted. Having played softball for most of her life, she happens to be a pretty good bunter. It’s not all that difficult. It’s probably the easiest thing she learned while playing the game right after learning how to slide into a base. Even watching the replay of this accident confuses Serena (Lisa laughs at it). How BAD do you have to be at squaring off to the pitcher in order for this to happen? The bat’s supposed to be nowhere near your face. It’s still supposed to be able to cover the plane of the plate. We’ve literally watched the video 6 times. Each time, our conversation goes something like this:

*Play Video*
Lisa: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Serena: I just don’t get it!!!! What the f*ck is he doing?
Lisa: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Serena: It just doesn’t make any sense!
Lisa: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Serena: Want to watch it again?
Lisa: YES!

It’s at this time that we feel it necessary to break up with AJ once and for all. He’s no longer with the Yankees and now he no longer has an eye. After breaking up with him on our blog during the 2010 season, we dallied off and on with our AJ (we do share a house pet after all). For those of you who have no idea what we’re talking about, please read this. But now there’s nothing keeping us tied to him, we’ve decided that we need to cut ties and be firm about it. No more back and forth crap. It’s too much. Our hearts can’t take it anymore. It brings us great pain to do this, but it needs to be done.

Dear AJ,

By the time you read this, you will already have gotten your eye patch. Hopefully, reading this letter will not strain your remaining good eye. We all know that this relationship hasn’t been easy these last two seasons. Your inconsistent efforts on and off the field (and don’t make us spell this one out. You know what we’re referring to here) has taken its toll. Adding these issues to the fact this has now become a long distance relationship pretty much spells doom. Plus, you’re not even with a good team. How do you expect us to pretend to be happy for you when you’re playing for the Pirates? At this point, you should just head down to the minors. We’d have a little bit more respect for you. Perhaps you should consider retiring.

This brings us to the recent incident of your eye. We get that you play for the Pirates and that it’s amusing that you’re forced to wear an eye patch now, but c’mon. We enjoyed role playing together, but this is taking things too far. Now you’re living the role play. That’s not cool. That’s pathetic. Instead of being a starting pitcher, you’re the team mascot. We like mascots and all, but you don’t see us trying to go out with any of them, do you? No. That’s weird. And creepy. It’s like we don’t even know you anymore. How did that ball even hit your eye? Lisa’s father always warned us that you were an a-hole and now here’s the proof. We should’ve listened to him before we became emotionally attached. What happened to us, AJ? There was such promise. Such fire. And then you sucked, which got you traded. To a sucky team to top it all off.

It’s time for us to move on to bigger and better things. Lisa’s in love with Joey Votto now (he’s a guido after all) and Serena’s onto Justin Verlander. Turns out they have a lot in common, including the Taco Bell menu. We’re not sure we ever had anything in common with you. Now that we’ve had time to think about it, we’re not even sure why we started dating you to begin with. You’re blonde. And not that attractive. Even worse is that you cost the Yankees a sh*t ton of games! Last season, you ended the year with an ERA over 5. That’s just unforgiveable. What are we supposed to do with a man like that? Now you’re telling us that you can’t even do the one lousy thing that pitchers are supposed to be able to do in the batter’s box? You’re a pathetic excuse for a professional baseball player, pitcher, man, and most of all, lover.

Since we’re leaving you in such a heartless way, we’re going to let you have Winkie. Unfortunately, Lisa lost him, so you’ll have to find him first. She has no idea as to how long he’s been missing, but the good news is that he’s a cat, so he’s probably just fine. Rumor has it that he’s on his way to San Francisco to live with Barry Zito and his comb-over/porn-stache. At least Barry’s never hit himself in the eye during bunt practice. You know what? Let’s be real here. We don’t even like cats, so why we agreed to adopt one with you is beyond our comprehension. If you retire, you can take Winkie to Florida with you (that is, if you can find him) and live happily without us.

*Sigh* Listen, you know we love you, but we just can’t take this. You know we love you, but we’re playing for keeps. Although we need you, we’re not gonna make this. You know we want to, but we’re in too deep. Enjoy Pittsburgh. Say hello to your mother for us. We did like her despite the fact that she birthed a pansy such as yourself.

Formerly Yours,

Lisa & Serena

PS- Don’t expect us to say hello to you when you’re at Citi Field because it’s not going to happen. The pain of this relationship is too great. We can’t be friends.

Now for the rest of this week’s baseball notes:

The asinine added Wild Card round will go into effect this season. Thank goodness the MLB has another avenue with which to make money. So happy for them. We were afraid for a hot second that they might starve. The new Wild Card round will consist of a single-elimination game in each league. The 3 Division winners in each league will await the survivor of this 1-game playoff in order determine their Division Series opponents. This is just like being in Little League. Everyone gets a f*cking trophy. The teams that play the best should go to the playoffs. It’s really that simple. Also, with this new format, Division rivals will now be able to face each other in the Division Series. Confused? We’ll explain. Last year, the American League Wild Card came out of the East (as usual). The Yankees were unable to face the Rays, therefore they faced the Tigers whereas the Rays faced the Rangers. Under the new scenario, the Yankees might’ve faced the Rays in which case the Tigers would’ve faced the Rangers. Adding this extra round also eliminates potential last minute drama during the regular season. Last year, both the Cardinals and Rays advanced to the Wild Card on the last day of the regular season by defeating the Braves and Red Sox respectively. Had we had this new format, all four teams would’ve advanced to this bull sh*t new Wild Card game and we would’ve been sitting here watching baseball during Thanksgiving. F*ck the Dallas Cowboys game. We would’ve been eating turkey while watching Albert Pujols face off against Josh Hamilton.

Now that the Marlins have flamboyant new uniforms, a snazzy new stadium, and a revamped lineup, the team eyes the chance to host the 2015 All Star Game. As if that’s not enough, the team’s confident that they’ll also have the chance to host the 2013 World Baseball Classic. Sorry, but this is what we’re hooting and hollering about?

We’re not impressed. It looks like a resort from this angle and in other photos, it’s passable for an airport or aquarium. Nothing about this screams baseball. It screams “douchebag.” Kind of like their new short stop.

Jason Varitek retired. Boo hoo. Cry us a river.

Finally, enough’s enough. This has to stop. Where are you with this f*cking beard? Are you in a cave? What is this? It’s just not funny anymore. Look at us. We’re not laughing. You look like an a-hole. Oh…wait…are you having a mental breakdown? Cos’ then it’s totally rude for us to pick on you about this. It’s becoming quite clear that you’re suffering from a chemical imbalance.

Most Likely To Succeed

In light of the failed How I Met Your Mother poll, we asked this time around which show’s cast you would’ve preferred us to use as a comparison. We’ve ended up with a sea of 1’s. 1 person wants us to do Dexter, 1 wants Weeds, and 1 wants NCIS. 2 of you actually chose The Big Bang Theory. First of all, neither of us are smart enough to pass for scientists. Nerds, yes. Smart nerds? No.  Second of all, we’re not sure which one of us is most like Sheldon and which one of us is most like Leonard, but this process does beg us to ask the question: Why Dexter? Is one of us similar to a serial killer? Or are you more likely to compare us to Debra Morgan or Joey Quinn? No one chose The Office or That 70’s Show.

It’s that time of year again, folks. The time when the MLB announces its year-end awards…much like when you’re a senior in high school and you’re nominated for some stupid yearbook award like, “Best Eyes.” Okay…these awards are a little more meaningful than that, but you get the gist. Up first is the AL Cy Young Award, which unanimously went to the obvious candidate, Justin Verlander. Serena knows from personal experience how valuable Verlander is because thanks to him, Tigers Love Pepper was able to maintain pace in the strikeouts category with her cousin’s fantasy team who was lucky enough to have drafted Tim Lincecum. Every morning after checking the previous evening’s results, Serena pulled a Melissa Gorga and shouted, “Thank you, Jesus” for granting her Justin Verlander. The National League Cy Young Award went to the Dodgers’ Clayton Kershaw who was among the league’s leaders in opponents’ batting average, innings pitched, complete games, shutouts, and WHIP.

Tampa Bay’s Joe Maddon and Arizona’s Kirk Gibson earned Manager of the Year honors, both managers having successfully pulled playoff spots out of their asses this year. J

Atlanta Braves closer, Craig Kimbrel earned the NL Rookie of the Year Award in a unanimous vote and Tampa Bay pitcher, James Hellickson catapulted to the head of the class in the AL Rookie of the Year category. Kimbrel set a major league record for saves by a rookie with a total of 46. Hellickson went 13-10 this season with a 2.95 ERA and helped solidify the Rays’ Wild Card spot in the playoffs.

The Golden Glove, Silver Slugger, and MVP awards have yet to be issued.

The Marlins have reportedly offered super douche Jose Reyes a deal worth $90 million and 6-years. No word yet as to whether or not the short stop has chosen to accept the offer. Sources claim that the Mets are not down and out yet, provided they’re willing to offer Reyes at least 4-5 years and $20 million a season. If the Mets pay this jack-a-loon that kind of money, they’re a-holes and deserve every piece of bad karma they get. Lisa might actually go postal.

Speaking of the Mets, the Mets are apparently celebrating their 50^th birthday with a commemorative logo and several promotional events during the upcoming season. Seriously? There are people who turn 50 each year and don’t even want to tell people that they’re reaching that milestone. Mamadukes disappeared to Greece for several weeks when she turned 50. The least the Mets could’ve done was wait til’ they turned 65 so that we could celebrate the fact that the team was now eligible for senior citizen discounts. They need the money.

Well…it’s official. The MLB is adding a second Wild Card to each league, a decision that could be implemented as soon as this upcoming season. Puke. Puke. Puke. We suppose this means that 80% of the AL East will be heading to the playoffs each year then, yes? While the format of this extra Wild Card round hasn’t yet been finalized, there are talks that the added round would include a one-game playoff to take place right before the Division Series and feature the “runner up” teams from each league…which means this one-game playoff is an interleague game. What the hell? This is stupid. The playoffs are about eliminating the best of each league before the leagues finally face off in the World Series. Who is the brainiac behind this asstastic idea?

The Houston Astros are going to be sold to a group headed by businessman Jim Crane for $610 million. The deal means that the Astros will be kissing the National League good-bye and heading over to the American League at the start of the 2013 season, giving each league 15 teams.

In terrible news, the Twins are currently examining their options at first base just in case Justin Morneau is not completely healthy at the start of the season. In addition to the incessant concussion symptoms that have been plaguing him these last few seasons, Morneau has undergone multiple surgeries related to injuries to his neck, left wrist, left knee, and right foot. He is a hot mess. Morneau’s ailments may be related to Puppy Cradle Death Syndrome…meaning that Serena’s appreciation of (we’re not going to lower ourselves to suggest that it’s an obsession because it’s clearly not) his combined defensive and offensive talent (which is so rare these days! So few men can do both well!) has caused Morneau to feel suffocated, which has naturally led to a deterioration of his physical and mental health.