Sunday, June 28, 2015

Once Upon a Time, We Dissed a Baseball Player

It was that moment that every little girl wishes for. The moment where a professional baseball player acknowledges your existence and decides that he wants to include you in his life in some capacity. Sure, he's not the ball player you would've chosen to fulfill this fantasy, but nevertheless, the fantasy has been fulfilled.

So, it went for the Traveling Baseball Babes. We met a baseball player. He found us funny. We exchanged numbers. This was big time for us. The Baseball Babes finally had a buddy who was a baseball opposed to a drunkard at the local ale house. He certainly wasn't an attractive fella, but it was cool. It didn't matter. He played baseball for a legit baseball team and he was more than just a bullpen catcher. That's what mattered. Besides, we weren't interested in doing anything naughty with him. We were merely interested in riding his coattails into some future World Series activity. Or at the very least, soliciting random free giveaways from other ballparks. Perhaps, we'd get to meet his other baseball players friends. Perhaps his other baseball player friends were more attractive and more single than he was.

The dream was short lived. For starters, as mentioned earlier, the man was not single. In other words, married. Secondly, he texted too often. Like a needy boyfriend that likes to snuggle. Plus, he wasn't very insteresting, so not only was he clogging up our text feed when we had more important shit to do (like eat french fries), but he was clogging it up with shit no one cares about. Thirdly, despite being super unattractive, this mother f*cker actually had the nerve to try to make our relationship a pervy one.

He had to go. First, Serena told him to f*ck a duck. Then he sought comfort with Lisa, but Lisa told him to blow monkey chunks. After which, he stupidly returned to Serena. This, our wonderful and loyal fans, is what destroyed the dream. It turns out that professional baseball players are just as stupid as the men we eat 20 cent wings with at the bar. Now, Lisa specifically wants and only wants TOWSNBN. She no longer plans dabbling with just any ball player for if she must tolerate the asinine behavior of mortal men, that dude better be hot. And perhaps mute. If it's at all possible, he should not already be married.

Do not message or email us to find out the player's name, position, team, or whether or not he is active. We'll not divulge. Partially because we're embarrassed.


  1. It's difficult to defend my gender with so many d-bags out there.

    1. Don't worry about defending your fellow idiots. Just strive to be above the idiots. :)

  2. did he Bret Favre ya?

    unrelated 'bout that Stevie Matz!

    1. He, thankfully, did not Bret Favre us.