Alex Rodriguez Does Not Need a Walker (Unlike Us)

This is what we learned about baseball today:

"At 39 years and 363 days, he [Alex Rodriguez] became the fifth oldest player to hit three home runs in a single game...Musial, Giambi, Reggie Jackson, Babe Ruth were older."

This is what we learned about ourselves yesterday:

Running 1 mile on a school track with a strained hamstring (Serena) and a sympathy strained hamstring (Lisa) at an age vastly younger than Alex Rodriguez is a cause for us to bitch and moan for several hours afterwards. During which we stuffed our faces with gyros, chicken souvlaki, and french fries. 

What does this mean exactly? It means that at the age of nearly 40, Alex Rodriguez is not only on death's door with his senior citizen hip joint, but also more physically fit and capable than two girls in their kind of-sort of-borderline-maybe prime of their lives.

There may be some of you jack wagons that will return our post with some kind of stupidity that sounds like, "I could hit 3 homeruns in one game if I did steroids!" Listen. No, you f*cking can't. You just can't. That's not what steroids do for you. If we take steroids, the only thing we'd succeed at is growing facial hair. Perhaps some chest hair. Which could be somewhat entertaining. Neither of us are going to wake up and suddenly have the skills to play for a professional baseball team. You actually need to have talent to do that. Which we do not have. Really. We have no talent. We actually looked up the odds of playing baseball as a career and they're bleak:
"Less than three in 50, or about 5.6 percent, of high school senior boys interscholastic baseball players will go on to play men's baseball at a NCAA member institution. Less than eleven in 100, or about 10.5 percent, of NCAA senior male baseball players will get drafted by a Major League Baseball (MLB) team."
What this means is that if you suck donkey dick at playing baseball, you will still probably suck donkey dick at playing baseball while on steroids. We're not condoning the use of steroids. We're simply saying that one has nothing to do with the other. Though, if WE we were on steroids, perhaps we wouldn't have these hamstring issues and we might've been able to run that mile a little bit easier. Also, perhaps that 75 year old man with a limp wouldn't have passed us on the track twice while wearing khaki shorts and a golf shirt. He wasn't even dressed like an athlete! At the very least, we looked the part.

In conclusion, stop hating on a man that's two steps away from the MLB Nursing Home. Give credit where credit is due. Also, in conclusion, we probably need to workout more instead of spending our time at the gym having dance off contests and bouncing exercise ball races (please see our Instagram account for a video clip...you may have to scroll through a lot of nonsense before you find it though). In conclusion part 3, we're currently watching Sunday Night Baseball and Dustin Pedroia has a stupid face. In conclusion part 4, we missed a free Heart concert at Citi Field last night. How do we get so alone?

Before we sign off, we have a little stadium tour update for you. Due to unforeseen circumstances, we've decided to postpone our trip to Miami until next season. Instead, we'll focus on our trip to the Hall of Fame and Doubleday Field and consider a trip to Philly or Baltimore later in the year since we did those stadiums as Mets and Yankees fans instead of as hometown fans.

Gracefully Yours,
Two Assholes & a Kitty