Saturday, June 20, 2015

Our List of Demands

For starters, allow us to apologize for our absence. It's kind of not our fault. Life has gotten in the way. Serena works Sundays, which ruins our leisurely blogging experience.

However, we've returned to you this weekend with a delightful little topic known as, "If we were to hold a ball ransom, this is what we'd ask for." You might be asking yourself, "where is this coming from?" Since, as we've been told hundreds of times by other sports teams' fans, no one cares about New York except New Yorkers, you may not have heard the news that Alex Rodriguez hit his 3,000th hit yesterday. Zack Hample, the fan who caught the ball, won't give it back to Alex. Before we get into the important topic that we'd rather discuss (and that topic is US, what WE want, and what makes US happy), allow us to spend some time making fun of the a-hole in the video we just hyperlinked to.

First and foremost, what's with the hat? Yes, it's a nit picky thing and maybe we're being a touch Mean Girls about this, but we stand by the question. Who goes to a sporting event advertising the league as opposed to a team unless they work for the league? What a d*ck. Also, eat a bacon cheeseburger, dude. You're quite slight.
Secondly, this man sounds like a woman on the rag. "This is about what I want to do with the ball, what makes me happy, what makes me feel good..." Okay, stop. You whiny little bitch. Who are you? You didn't hit the ball. It's not a symbol of your career. Regardless of your feelings regarding Alex Rodriguez, his ethics, history, or his pay check, it is still not your career. Is it cool to confiscate Meryl Streep's Academy Awards? How would you feel if someone decided to hold your 4th Edition Quests hostage? The quests that you won fair and square at the Dungeons and Dragons Championship Series? You probably would've feel so great. You'd probably cry in your bowl of Fruit Loops while wearing your Star Trek footie pajamas.

Thirdly, he needs to stop making this milestone about him. He's like the chick that shows up to someone else's wedding in a white dress. He's a thunder stealer.You caught the ball and that's very exciting. We're happy for you. You had your moment. You were on TV. Congrats. Now just give Alex his ball back.

Of course, we aren't telling you to give it back for free. You're entitled to prizes just like you are when you win your Dungeon and Dragons tournaments. In this case, the prizes are given by the New York Yankees, not the Class 5 Dungeon Wizard Masters or whatever the hell they're called.

If WE had caught the infamous ball, we would provide this simple list of demands that we'd require be met in order for us to part ways with the ball. Also, this contract would be negotiated and settled upon prior to departing the Stadium. The ball would not leave the Stadium with us. That's how you get jumped. Look at you. You're a sissy. You clearly can't defend yourself. Someone bigger and stronger (roughly Serena's size) will give you a wedgie, stuff you in a locker, and take your ball away.

1. We're going to need season tickets in the leather seats for life. Should a member of the TBB die, the surviving member reserves the right to choose the individual that inherits the extra ticket.
2. Also, free food and booze. For life. See above for what happens should one of us kick the bucket.
3. A town car to take us to and from the games so we don't have to worry about drunk driving.
4. We have a list of players that we're going to need meetings with...including non-Yankees.
5. We want our own World Series rings. We feel like we've earned it.
6. A special Golden Glove Award. Since we're talented athletes that can field important home runs like this one, we believe strongly that we deserve it. In fact, we'll go so far as to say that we're better athletes than Derek Jeter. That's right. You heard it here.
7. Building on our last demand, since we're more special than Derek Jeter, we belong in the Yankees' museum. More specifically, busts of our asstastic faces.
8. We get to pick the music the players come to the plate to. For life. See above for what happens when one of us dies.
9. We will henceforth be in charge of determining the free giveaways each season because there have been some questionable decisions made in the past and it needs to end. Also, we will take on this role for life. See above for what happens when one of us dies.
10. Lisa gets to close one game of her choosing. It can be any game that she wants, including season-deciding games and the postseason.
11. We get our own special float during all future World Series parades. Our float must be driven by Derek Jeter and his shiny bald head. Should Derek Jeter die before us, we request David Wright be our driver. Should David Wright kill himself upon hearing this news, we request Jon Bon Jovi.
12. We reserve the right to call the bullpen anytime we see fit. This capability should be able to be performed via our cell phones from our seats because we're lazy and do not want to have to keep walking to the dugout to the use the phone. Also, our decision overrules that of the team's manager. Always.
13. We get to sing the National Anthem during Opening Day each season. If you follow our Instagram account (@travelingbbabes), you would've seen some of our choice musical videos and you know that this can be terrifying, but oh so glorious.
14. Serena will be assigned to Carlos Beltran as his personal trainer because it looks like he's getting fat. He will not enjoy these training sessions.
15. Free access to the Yankees' WiFi so that we can easily upload our stupid photos to our social media accounts. Also, we're going to need full access to your social media accounts. Thanks. Kisses.
16. Our names need to be added to the Stadium's name somewhere. We'll leave it up to your discretion as to how and where because we're not picky, but at some point, "Traveling Baseball Babes" need to be in the title.
17. We each want the light up pen free giveaway from the Yankees/Red Sox game in 2007. We missed the free giveaway due to holiday traffic and we want it. Give it to us. We know you probably have extras stored somewhere.
18. Pay off Serena's college loan.
19. We require that one of the streets leading up to the Stadium be renamed to Traveling Baseball Babes Way. If this is not possible, we will settle for a bar named after us. Of course, since it's our bar, we get free drinks. For life.
20. We get our own special day each season. Similar to Irish Heritage Night, only it's to celebrate us. The free giveaway shall be a bobblehead of us.

4 comments:

  1. Yeah, I know who Zack Hample is. He blogs on MLBlogs, same network I use for M.I.B. He's a 'ball hawk', and I'm not a fan of his or 'ball hawks' in general. They don't enhance the game at all, in fact I think they detract from it. They take the greatest sports souvenir in history, and turn it into stamp collecting. I go to a ballgame to ENJOY the game, and if we get a ball, that's great. For someone to go to a game to get as many balls as he can, likely denying some 8-yr-old his first and maybe only ball, makes my stomach turn. Now this Zack guy wrote a book on it, and is trying to be 'famous' for it? I'm not even a fan of A-Rod (sorry), but right is right, for the sake of the game. Sorry, didn't mean to rant on your post.
    -MD
    BTW your list of demands seem reasonable to me.

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    1. It's ok rant away he seems like a giant ahole . He does not seem genuine and we highly doubt he is donating to a charity.

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  2. "will give you a wedgie, stuff you in a locker, and take your ball away"

    wouldn't be the first time! amirite? :)

    I think you can haggle them in to free booze and food...might bankrupt the team though with your TBBs appetites for both. lol...might need video of Lisa throwing to a catcher (been lack of videos so far this year!)

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    1. There have been plenty of videos on Instagram. ;)

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