April 10, 2017
Have you ever played Never Have I Ever? Well, we're going to today. Never have we ever experienced a beautiful day for both teams' opening days. We did this season. Never have we ever experienced wins for both home teams. We did this season. Never have we ever missed both teams' opening ceremonies. We did this season.
Based on our experience at Mets' Opening Day, we chose to get to Yankee Stadium super early. Or so we thought. We got to the ballpark so early that not only did we make a pit stop at Target to buy Funk Pop Mystery Minis, but we also drank wine.
We started walking over to the stadium from the car at 12:15 (for a 1:05 start time). The lines to get into the stadium wrapped around the building. Confident that only the gate closest to the subway lines had the greatest crowd, we circled the circumference of the stadium in search of a shorter line. There was none.
By the time we reached our seats, we were sweaty, tired, cranky, and had missed the top of the first inning. As well as the opening ceremony. No, we don't know who threw out the first pitch or who sang the National Anthem. Sure, we could Google it, but what's the point? So can you.
In the 6th inning, we decided to check out the new kids' fun zone and get food. Lisa wanted to try some of the newer menu items that she'd researched. She talked incessantly of a sandwich called, "The Classy Pig."She also convinced Serena that what she needed was the traditional Chinese BBQ dish found in the Toyota Terrace. The kids' zone was located right near our seats in the 300 level near right field. We were so excited to play and take stupid photos. Unfortunately, as soon as got in there, we were c*ck blocked. "Sorry, you can't come in unless you have kids." Which is totally prejudiced. We fell prey to ageism. And lack of childrenism! We'd call our lawyer about it, but we're no longer talking to him because he's an ass clown. At least she let us take photos of the set up. We're going to need to steal Lisa's niece for the next game. And then make her take photos of us crawling all over the playground. She's very smart. She'll take good photos.
The concourses were so crowded that navigating the area proved difficult. Instead of searching for the Toyota Terrace and the location of the Classy Pig, we decided to settle for the ole' reliable sausage sandwich. Luckily, there was a stand right near our seats. AND the line wasn't very long. Only three people ahead of us! What good fortune!
Then we found out why the line was so short. Ageism was alive and well in the kids' zone, but there was no ageism to be found anywhere else in the ballpark. No one thought that allowing senior citizens to man the concession stands on opening day might possibly be a bad idea. Never have we ever witnessed such slow service in our lives. It was like watching the sloth DMV scene in Zootopia. Only we weren't watching it. We were living it. When we finally reached the cashier, we stood there for several minutes before she took our order. We ordered two sausage sandwiches each. Her reply? "No."
What? What did she say?
"Oh, no. You're not having that today."
What? Is this lady putting us on a diet? We didn't think that we had let ourselves go that badly.
"There are only hot dogs left."
How is this even possible? It's a sausage stand. That's like Taco Bell running out of beef or a bar running out of booze. Whatever. It's not what we wanted, but we'll settle for it. We're hungry. And so, we agreed on hot dogs.
"Only foot longs."
Jesus Christ. Fine. We agreed on foot long hot dogs.
Twenty minutes later, she brought us our unwanted foot long hot dogs. By the time we got back to our seats again, it was the middle of the 8th inning and the Yankees were winning.
Normally, we can't complain about the food at our home ballparks, but for two straight games, our teams disappointed us. Our hot dogs were pretty pitiful.
The positive? The Yankees won 8-1. Afterwards, we went home, ate Chipotle, and took a nap.