ALDS Game #4 2012: Yankees vs. Orioles

If you follow us on Facebook, you know how much we've ranted about the new playoff format f*cking up our ticket schedule for the Division Series. Thankfully, the Yankees are a pack of morons who didn't sweep the Orioles and we got to go to our Game #4. Before we get into our delightful 13-inning experience, let's talk poll results. Lisa had asked you if you agreed with the left field ump's call in the Braves/Cardinals game that basically allowed the Cardinals to advance to the NLDS. Of 7 votes, 5 of you said, "no f*cking way" whereas 2 of you said, "hell yeah." Here's the bottom line: the Cardinals never should've had the opportunity to play that game. End of story. Now they get to play the Championship Series against the Giants. F*ck you, Cardinals. We hope you get your asses handed to you. Go Giants! Oh, and f*ck you too, MLB. Just f*ck you and all of your mothers.

We all know how the Division Series on both sides have ended. The Yankees are playing the Tigers. The Giants are playing that jack ass team from St. Louis who should be sitting at home eating wings and playing golf right now. We'll be in attendance for Game #2 of the Yankees/Tigers series, so we'll be posting about those shenanigans next week. For now, we'll talk to you about what went down Thursday night.

We arrived at the stadium with enough time for us to grab a sausage sandwich and a beer before the game started. Sausage sandwich: $8. Snazzy souvenir beer cup: $11.

 

 

We shared a table in the food court with a couple that eyed us suspiciously and whispered to each other about placing bets. We tried ignoring them at first, but eventually they popped the question that apparently had been plaguing them since we joined them. And no, it wasn't them asking if we were lesbians.
"Are you guys sisters?"
"No."
"Really?"
"Really."
"Cos' you have the same mannerisms and everything."
"Nope. Not sisters."
"Wow."
Someone lost $5 over sheer stupidity. So sad.

By the time we finished scarfing our food down like animals, it was almost time for first pitch, so we hurried up all the steps that we had run up just two months ago in the Damon Runyon 5K to our seats.

Our starting pitchers for the evening were Phil Hughes and Joe Saunders. We were surprised that more O's fans weren't in attendance. Unfortunately, behind us was the biggest fratada O's fan in the franchise's history. Yes, she was that bad. Listen, we've traveled to Oriole Park for a Yankees game. Serena's been there multiple times without Lisa for Yankees games. O's fans are pretty chill. This bitch was anything but chill. We think she might've escaped from a mental institution in Philadelphia. She didn't cheer for her O's. She screamed. And when we say screamed, we mean she sounded like she was being raped and murdered in a back alley somewhere. She was also drunk, which means she had to piss a lot. Every time she had to go to the bathroom, she unsteadily groped the fans sitting in front of her so that she could make her way out of the row. One of the gropees was Serena. We all know how much Serena loves to be groped by random strangers...said no one ever. This chick was lucky that she wasn't punched in the vagina. We tried to be ninjas and take a picture of her subtley for you to see what an a-hole she was, so we pretended to take a photo of us, while trying to get a picture of her and her moron boyfriend in the background. This is how well we did:

See that phone she's holding? She dropped it on Serena twice. A-hole. On her 4 millionth return from the bathroom, we got a proper picture of her:

We should also enlighten you on some of the awesome sh*t she was screaming at the field. Let's begin with when Hughes was taken from the game. She screamed (yes, screamed, no exaggeration), "Sit your ass down you piece of sh*t! You suck!" Repeat over and over and over again. For starters, Phil Hughes is the equivalent of white bread. It's there and it totally works when you need to make a sandwich, but it really isn't all that inspiring or entertaining. Does white bread deserve to be called a "piece of sh*t?" No. We're not sure that it does. It's pretty functional when it needs to be. Secondly, Saunders was removed before Hughes! Does that make her starting pitcher a "piece of sh*t?" Does that mean Saunders "sucks" as well? At another point, we think she got really confused because she started screaming love phrases at Alex Rodriguez, who, to the best of our knowledge, plays for the Yankees. At that time, she also screamed, "let's go Yankees." Perhaps her beer had been doped. Shortly after, she returned to her O-fan status, but that didn't make us any less bewildered.

In front of us was a female Yankees fan that represented everything we hate about female fans. If you think the back of this asinine outfit is bad, you should've seen the front of it. Her hat was printed with a jeweled encrusted "Bronx Bombers," which was borderline terrifying. And her sweatshirt. Who the hell on the Yankees ever wore, "03?" That's a year, not a jersey number. Furthermore, PINK doesn't love the Yankees. They love every MLB and NFL team under the sun as long as some airhead fan is willing to buy the merchandise. You know what? PINK also loves yoga. So obviously PINK is just a love whore. That shirt probably cost her $70. Terrible.

In the bottom of the 6th, the Orioles were still leading 1-0 and we had to pee. While leaving the bathroom, we suddenly decided that we were hungry again. Like there's a f*cking surprise. We stopped at a nearby Wholly Guacomole stand and got a plate of nachos to share for $8.50. We covered it with cheese, beef, salsa, jalapeno peppers, and guacomole on the side. Sour cream is also available if you like that sort of thing.

We ate it at a nearby counter and watched the game overlooking left field. The Yankees tied up the game while we inhaled the food. We barely stopped chewing in order to high-five this small Yankee victory. This what our plate looked like when we were done:

We disgust ourselves. We got back to our seats in time for the bottom of the 8th. So shameful. Little did we know that we'd be in it for the long haul. Ichiro Suzuki singled, followed by a Mark Teixeira single with no outs. Robinson Cano moved the runners over with a ground ball to second. The Yankees had runners on second and third with only one out. This was it. The Yankees were going to win. We were going to witness the victory puppy pile at the end of the game. CC Sabathia was going to pitch Game 1 of the ALCS and we were going to get The Big Texan on Sunday. Everything was going according to plan. There was only two things standing in our way: a pair of hairy a-holes. Rodriguez struck out swinging and Nick Swisher flied out to end the inning and to not only piss off 95% of the stadium, but to encourage the fratada behind us to start screaming gibberish.

Nothing happened in the 9th, so we headed into extra innings, which we were oh so thrilled about seeing as how it was freezing, windy, and we were sitting in front of a psychopath. Plus, it was getting late, we had to take the train back, and both of us had to report to work bright and early the next day.

Lisa's remaining notes on the game were as follows: "Man in khaki pants has wood." The conversation went as follows:
Lisa: "Serena, look at that man in the khaki pants."
Serena: "What?"
Lisa: "Tell me he has a hard on."
Serena: "What?"
Lisa: "Tell me he has a hard on right now."
*Serena looks at his crotch*
Serena: "Oh, for crissakes, Lisa."
Lisa: "Exactly what is so arousing about what's happening right now? HOW can he have wood?"
Serena: "Absolutely nothing. There is nothing happening. This is the most frustrating game I've ever been to. If I was a dude, I'd have blue balls."
Lisa: "I think he's in love with his friend."
*We both turn to see them hugging each other*
Serena: "Apparently extra innings and beer make men want to express their bromance."
*Suddenly, we notice that we're surrounded by "bros" hugging each other, picking each other up, stroking each other, high-fiving each other, and being all-around in love with each other*
Lisa: "What the hell is going on?"
Serena: "This is why we're single. There are no straight men left."

Back to the game. Nothing happened. Alex Rodriguez struck out again. So did Nick Swisher. A pair of real American heroes. This is us trying to remain upbeat and positive during this time:

At the top of the 13th, the Orioles scored and the fratada screamed. We contemplated pushing her down the stairs. We didn't. We got home around 2 in the morning. Party on, Wayne. Party on, Garth. We are the super heroes of the week because we had to put up with all of this bull sh*t for 13 innings. It's hard to choose the a-hole of the week because this entire blog is dedicated to a-holes, but Alex Rodriguez seems to be the best choice. Sorry, Alex. We realize that you have low self-esteem (so do we) and that you're a Taco, but you've left us with no alternative.

We're off to ALCS Game #2. Will post pictures to Facebook and Twatter providing we can get internet access in that black hole of cell service. Miss you, love you, bye! Kiss noise!

All-Star Ballot? Already?

Lisa is in Punta Cana right now, so I regret to inform you that you’ll be dealing with me alone today. I promise to be somewhat well-behaved. Last week, we asked you what you do with yourself when rain shuts down your baseball quality time. Only 3 people had any inclination to vote, which makes me think that we’re starting to lose you people. I realize that we’re a-holes and that a lot of the crap we write on this blog is complete nonsense, but really, we just want to make you laugh. Don’t you find us funny anymore? Did you ever find us funny? Anyway, all 3 folks claimed that they like to get f*cked up and pass out in the middle of the living room when there’s no baseball. This makes me think that we cater to the unique group of individuals known as “alcoholics.” No one chose, “watch a Real Housewives marathon on BRAVO,” “pick my nose (and this was truly a wise decision as I would’ve spent several paragraphs making fun of anyone who chose this option),” or “I don’t understand the question and I won’t respond.”

It’s hard for me to talk about what’s been going on in New York in terms of baseball because I haven’t been able to watch. Why? Cable’s been acting like a real NTAC (no talent a$$ clown), so while I’ve had access to the Real Housewives marathons on BRAVO (just what I need), I’ve had no access to SNY or YES (for those of you out-of-staters, SNY is the network home of the Mets and YES is the network home of the Yankees). I managed to catch the Brewers/Cardinals game on FOX yesterday afternoon, but needless to say, I’ve been quite frustrated with the fact that my only connection to the Mets and Yankees has been via baseball apps on my portable internet machine (the cell phone). However, a nice man showed up today and waved a weird-a$$ device around the apartment that I’m pretty sure the Ghostbusters used to catch Slimer and now I am enjoying YES for the first time all week.

If you’re registered with MLB.com like Lisa and I are, you probably receive at least 5 stupid emails a day. I received a disturbing one yesterday. MLB is already asking fans to vote for this year’s All Stars. How is this even possible? We’re still in the first month of the season. Personally, I feel that voting shouldn’t even begin until June. How could you possible rate players’ performances based on one month of duty? That’s ridiculous. That’s like my boss giving me my performance evaluation for this year now.

Of course, I’m bitching about this as if people aren’t going to vote for the same guys they vote for every year. Let me take a wild guess and say that 50% of the American League starting lineup will be made up of Yankees, 30% will be Red Sox players, and the remaining 20% will be a cocktail of the remaining teams. Oh, and duh, TOWSNBN will obviously be the starting thirdbaseman for the National League because god forbid we should vote someone else into that position. The sad thing is that one of the Yankees that should be considered an All Star will most likely won’t be an All Star because he’s not a big name like Curtis Granderson (this is in no way suggesting that Grandy shouldn’t be an All Star because he’s a fantastic athlete that can do just about anything—bunt, hit for average, hit for power, steal, field, maybe even cook a decent meal and do laundry) nor does he have a lovable, popular personality like Nick Swisher (again, I love Swish, but should he be the starting right fielder for the American League? No…unless, of course, you’re only taking into consideration his April performance). The player I’m talking about is Brett Gardner. Gardy does everything right. He works hard, gets the bunt down, he’s a phenomenal base runner in a time when base running as a skill has taken a giant dump (actually, come to think of it, bunting is another skill that has become a lost art), and he’s a fantastic left fielder! He really doesn’t get enough credit. Plus, even Lisa loves him. That should tell you something since the only other Yankee she is in love with is Derek Jeter. Unfortunately, unless you have the privilege of being able to watch the Yankees on a daily basis (or happen to be an avid fantasy follower), you probably don’t know who Gardy is and since you don’t know who he is, you’re never going to vote him onto the All Star team. It really is a shame.

The All Star ballot will be officially launched on Friday. Do the right thing, folks. Do the right thing.

Baseball notes!

Tim Lincecum continues to cultivate my utter adoration for him. He just doesn’t stop. I wish he would at this point. My affection for him can no longer be deemed healthy. He doesn’t even play in New York. I need to be in love with someone who plays for my team. Yesterday, Padres’ pitcher Anthony Bass carried a perfect game into the 6^th inning when lo and behold, Lincecum stepped up to the plate and ran out an infield single to short stop. Look at that skinny boy hustle down the line. Love that shit. As if that didn’t earn his pay check, the boy pitched 8 innings in the Giants’ 2-1 victory, giving up only 1 unearned run, striking out 5, and walking 4. The walks aren’t so sexy, but the good news is that Timmy looks to be returning to form.

Today, Braves’ fans will have the pleasure of seeing Tim Hudson make his 2012 debut after recovering from spinal fusion surgery. Even more good news is that the Braves could potentially get Brian McCann back for Monday night. McCann left Friday’s game early with a strained right intercostal muscle. I sincerely wish I could speak to that injury but I don’t even know what an intercostal muscle is…or what body part it’s attached to. For all I know, it’s something in his ear.

Michael Pineda is officially out for the season, requiring surgery to repair his torn anterior labral. Again, I wish I knew what this was, but based on what I’ve heard, I am pretty confident that this is something in his shoulder. Especially considering I don’t think Pineda has a vagina. This is probably an extremely inappropriate joke, but as I said earlier, Lisa isn’t here so I don’t have anyone keeping me in check.

If you hate Justin Verlander (and I don’t know how that’s possible seeing as how he loves Taco Bell), I dare you to watch this video and not become all squishy inside for him.

Lastly, anyone not rooting for a team in the NL East want to take a stab at who is leading the division? It’s not the Phillies or the Mets. It’s not even the Marlins, who talked a lot (and I mean, a lot) of shit this off-season. The Marlins, with their fancy new stadium, are in last place. The team leading the NL East is the Washington Nationals, followed closely by the Braves. What a shocker. Good for them. Shake things up in the east.  

Before I sign off, I just want to give folks the heads up that the 3^rd Annual Fred K’s Cancer Event has been relocated from Cantiague Park to Eisenhower Park (North Linden Picnic Area, Parking Field 6A) due to a scheduling mix-up on the part of Nassau County. We hope to see as many people as possible, so please join us on Saturday, June 23^rd, where you’ll get a chance to meet and walk with The Freds. You may even meet a few folks that are listed in the TBB Lingo & Cronies page of this blog. Also, if there is any way I can sell something of Lisa to you in order to convince you to come down, I’ll be more than happy to do that. She’s not here to defend herself, so I’m allowed to do this. I mean, I can’t sell her body to you or anything like that, but almost everything else is open for negotiations. Very exciting stuff. You can register to participate online here.  

Next week, Lisa will be back so there’ll be no vagina jokes. Swear.

-Serena

Eye of the Tiger

Greetings TBB fans. I just couldn't wait for Lisa and my typical joint blog on Friday during lunch to post this piece of information! Drum roll please! On Friday night, Barry Zito finally won his first game of the season. While I'd like to pretend that I am annoyed at this recent phenomenon (I wasn't too fond of that "woe is me" attitude he had been sportin' last season and his pitching these past two seasons has been deplorable...especially taking into consideration his high salary and the fact that he's a former Cy Young Award winner), I am so happy (and relieved)! He showed signs of his former Athletics self during his last two starts and I had begun to develop a bit of sympathy for him and his no decisions (and not to mention, his 0-2 record).

Zito pitched 6 innings, allowing 8 hits and giving up 2 walks, only surrendering 1 run. The Giants defeated Chad Billingsley and the Dodgers 3-1. I sincerely hope this is a sign of things to come for the remainder of Zito's season. No more whiny baby crap. No more comments on ESPN and other media outlets about how he is an overpaid has been. No more boos (I am slightly ashamed to admit that I've been one of the booers these last few months). I'd like to see him last longer than 6 innings (during his last 2 starts, he pitched through 7), but these days with the strict pitch counts, 6 innings is a solid outing. His next start is against the Nationals at AT&T Park on Wednesday, May 13th. The Nationals aren't the strongest opponent, so hopefully, Zito's rejuvenated pitching will continue. He has finally brought his ERA down to 3.57 and if he can get his record to .500, it will be a vast improvement over last year's start. If he and his fellow Cy Young Award buddies (Johnson and Lincecum) can maintain momentum throughout the remainder of the year, the Giants pitching rotation will be a force to reckon with. Now...if only the Giants offense could step it up. They're practically anemic. Perhaps iron supplements would prove beneficial? I mean, as much as I complain about the Yankees, I'll admit that the offense is good for 5 runs at least once a series.

Which brings me to my final thought of the evening. I do not care how many home runs or hits in the clutch he comes up with, I will never love Johnny Damon. He just rubs me the wrong way...even before he joined the Red Sox (so none of you try to turn that one around on me! My hatred for him does not stem from his caveman days playing centerfield for the Sox). I am completely flabbergasted by the fact that we didn't re-sign Bernie Williams because "his arm was too weak" and he was "losing a step in center field" and yet, we replace him with a man who can't reach the cut off man! For pete's sake, I have a better arm than he does! Thank goodness, he doesn't play center field anymore! Him just being in the outfield is enough to give me a brain aneurysm. Today before the game, Michael Kay mentioned to Damon that if he continues hitting the way he has been, he has potential to hit 40 home runs this year. Damon's response? "I hope so" because then the Yankees will re-sign him. There are a few problems I have with this answer. The first one being that you should not be performing well just to get or maintain a job. You should want to do well for yourself or else why do it all? The second and most important is that I've been waiting for us to have an opportunity to get rid of that fool for years and he better not screw this up for me. I need him to leave so that we can accommodate more Brett Gardners and Melky Cabreras in our line up. No more overpriced weenies, please! Young and aggressive players with heart need only apply!

Oh and one more thing: Happy Mother's Day, mommies of the world! Nick Swisher said it best today when he thanked his mother. After all she, "gave him life." Classic. I really do adore that charming and quirky man. For heaven's sake, his latest Twitter message is, "I love you Mom!" I just can't take how cute he is.

For Barry Zito, I will close this blog with these words, written and performed by the highly esteemed group, Survivor: "...so many times, it happens too fast. You change your passion for glory. Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past, you must fight just to keep them alive. It's the eye of the tiger (or Lou the Seal?), it's the cream of the fight rising up to the challenge of our rival. And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night and he's watching us all in the eye of the tiger." You know you're reading this right now humming the beat to the song. Perhaps even showing a little fist pump here and there. You go, Barry.

Side note: Dammit. Jason Varitek just broke the tie against the Rays with an RBI double. What is with the C on his shirt? That is so hockey, not baseball. Unless of course, it's a reminder to him that he is the team's catcher. If that's the case, then I completely understand. It's kind of like the equivalent to my post-its.

-Serena