Why New York Will Most Likely Be Golfing During the Postseason

We should acknowledge that we understand that the Yankees are still in the running for the Wild Card (so don't post any links to the comments section of this blog or to our Facebook page with "proof" that the Yankees are mathematically capable of achieving a playoff spot), whereas the Mets are definitely NOT going to the postseason...unless they're attending games as personal guests of the Atlanta Braves. That being said, we're going to tell you exactly what went wrong for the Yankees and Mets this year and why that's going to equal New York postseason failure.

Allow us to begin with the Mets:

• It all began with Johan Santana and quickly went downhill from there. There are currently 9 players on the Mets 40-man roster that are on the DL.
• Matt Harvey's final win-loss record before heading to the DL is 9-5 and he boats a 2.27 ERA. Truth be told, he should probably be more like 12-3, but his offense consists of a pack of duds.
• Pitching (except for Matt Harvey)
• This:

 Now for the Yankees:

• Like the Mets, the Yankees have been plagued by injuries. Most notably: Mark Teixeira, Curtis Granderson, and Derek Jeter.
• They're physically incapable of defeating the Red Sox. The Red Sox are the Yankees' kryptonite.
• The Trio of Death. AKA: The Victory Vacuum:

The real reason why the Yankees will not make it to the playoffs:

Now, before you call us crazy, hear us out. We have a theory. We've never had two of our teams be successful during the same season. You will, no doubt, argue several points with us:

• The 2000 Subway Series
• The 1986 World Series Championship Mets/80's dynasty of the Islanders
• The Rangers consistent postseason appearances
• Mets were last in the playoffs in 2006 whereas the Yankees also had a playoff appearance that year
• The Giants won the Superbowl in 2007 and 2011. While the Mets did not see the postseason those years, the Yankees did

Have we listed all of your arguments? Allow us to now tear them down and crap on them (faster than you can post a link to our blog/Facebook page in an attempt to prove us wrong).

1. The Subway Series: Someone had to lose this series. In this case, it was the Mets. Therefore, Lisa was unhappy. This directly supports our theory of two of our teams cannot be successful. During this same year, the Giants made a playoff appearance, but failed to accomplish anything exciting.
2. The 80's: Yes, both the Mets and Islanders were successful during this time period. In 1986, the Islanders even saw playoff action. Here's the problem with this one. Serena was 4 in 1986 and Lisa was 8. Serena's definition of a "championship" at this point in time was convincing her Mema to give her a Stella Doro cookie despite not having finished her milk because milk sucks. Lisa had not yet been introduced to the Islanders because a) Brother hadn't been born yet and b) she and Serena hadn't met yet. Therefore, this only equals to ONE of our teams being successful.
3. Rangers: We hate the Rangers, therefore their continual success is meaningless. To be frank, it actually infuriates us. Truth be told, they're a-holes.
4. Mets & Yankees being 2006 playoff contenders: The Yankees got bumped in the first round (pretty miserably in fact) and the Mets suffered from Carlos Beltran-itis.
5. The Giants' Superbowl wins: The Yankees' playoff performance during those years was abysmal. Therefore your argument is erroneous.

Why blame the Islanders for this season's mishaps? Simple. For the first time in eons, the Islanders showed great tenacity and made it to the playoffs. Granted, they lost to the Penguins in the first round, but not without giving those tool boxes a run for their money. Naturally, this explains why Eli Manning and the Giants have looked like total ass clowns so far this season and why the Mets and Yankees have limped toward October.

Trust us, we want more than anything for this theory not to be true, but it just can't be so. It's like when really attractive individuals have zero sense of humor/personality. It's proof that whatever higher being you believe in does not want anyone to have everything. For example, Michael Bolton had a successful music career despite a mullet and a face only a mother could love. "Talented," yet unpleasant to the eye. Can't have everything.

Why Can't We Be Friends? (Part 3 in a Series)

In an effort to deconstruct the rivalries within baseball, we decided to get to the bottom of the mother of all baseball rivalries: Yankees/Red Sox. We went about it in a more intelligent way than our investigation into the Mets/Phillies rivalry (we promise to revisit this at a later time when we can get more Phillies fan participation). Since we don't know many Red Sox fans personally, we waited for a Yankees/Red Sox game and for the Red Sox fans to come to us...sort of. In order to conduct thorough research, we got tickets to Saturday night's debacle of a game. Thinking that drunk fans would be the best fans to talk to, we paid Billy's a visit prior to the game. Here's what actually happened at Billy's:

Note: This is a recreation of what happened at Billy's. This was taken at Croxley's. No relation to Billy's.

Billy's is now a bumping bar/club with neon lights, staircases, a dance floor, real working DJ playing AMAZING music, and douchebags galore! We bought beers and starting getting down to Montel Jordan, Justin Timberlake, Eminem, House of Pain, Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, and just all around greatness. The music was so loud that we could barely hear each other rapping along with Will Smith, therefore conversations with complete strangers proved difficult. Lisa DID spot Serena's soul mate (as she described it: "He looks like Justin Verlander in a Bernie Williams jersey!"), but it turned out that he was already humping another girl...which is awkward. Also, there were hardly any Red Sox fans at the bar, which was the whole point in us going there. Next thing we know, we're 2 beers in and Auntiedukes is texting Serena to let her know that she's arrived.

Unsuccessful, we left Billy's to meet Auntiedukes and Uncle Alan in front of Gate 4 for the game. Once inside the stadium, we headed up to our section. Auntiedukes and Uncle Alan went to our seats immediately while we went in search of food...cos' we're fat. Lisa finally got her Lobel's steak sandwich and Serena tried the chicken sliders for the first time. Lisa's sandwich/fries combo was $20 and Serena's platter was $12. We each got a souvenir beer for $11 (it was a new cup...we obviously needed it). By the way, Lisa loved her sandwich. Anyone who doesn't enjoy the Lobel's steak sandwich is un-American. And probably an a-hole.

When we got to our seats, Uncle Alan turned to us and said, "you guys hit the jackpot. Look who is sitting behind us." Behold: Zack and Sarah.

As you can see, Zack is a Sox fan and Sarah is a Yankees fan. They've known each other for a year and it seems like they get along pretty well considering they're sitting on opposite sides of the fan spectrum. When we began questioning them, Sarah admitted that she wasn't as big of a baseball fan as Zack, so she wasn't as passionate. She did not hate the Red Sox, but Zack was pretty clear on why he hated the Yankees. He felt that the team spent way too much money on fielding an All Star team instead of developing their own prospects (though he did admit that they've been better about this of late) and while they're willing to just pay the luxury tax, other teams like the Twins and A's have difficulties attracting the big name free agents to their market. Both looked forward to the Yankees/Red Sox matchups because it was "more exciting" and Zack referenced that they were usually the nationally television games because people care more.

We didn't meet our next Red Sox fan until later. In the meantime, we watched Phil Hughes let the game slip through his fingers in his signature style: via the home run. In this case, it came as grand slam off the bat of Mike Napoli.

Apparently the action was so stimulating that this man in front of us couldn't tear his eyes away from Candy Crush:

We decided it was time to take a potty break and while we're were at it, we'd search for a Red Sox fan to talk to. As we walked down the ramp, we passed a group of fans taking a picture. We couldn't figure out exactly what was going on, but it seemed like the tall girl who was the subject of the photo intended to pull herself up on the beam and do some sort of pull-up type pose. What happened instead was that she attempted to lift herself and then fell flat on her back. Being the mature adults that we are, we burst out laughing. In fact, Lisa also added, "my friend does way cooler yoga moves than that and she's never fallen on her ass." It just so happens that we ended up laughing with our next Red Sox fan, Justin (who was truly a darling young man).

Justin is a Red Sox fan hailing from the Fairfield area. He hates the Yankees because he had grown up in a Red Sox household hating the Yankees (this seemed to be a common theme among the fans we pooled). He also added that he even likes the city of Boston better than New York. The people are more low-key and Fenway is better than Yankee Stadium, citing its historical factor. Serena then asked if he'd been to the former Yankee Stadium. He had and he liked the old stadium better than the new one. Interesting...

Since Justin is in Fairfield, he falls into the tri-state network area and only gets Red Sox games when they play the Yankees, so that's why he looks forward to these matchups. Justin also hobbled down half a ramp with us on a broken leg for no reason to do this interview, so we thank him and hope he's feeling better!

On our way back to our seats, we met Kelly and Derek, who've been married for 5 years (in fact, the game was on their anniversary so happy anniversary to them!). They don't argue about their teams, but according to Kelly, Derek tends to pick on her a lot.

Both cite growing up in a Red Sox/Yankees household as being the reason behind their animosity for the opposing team. As Kelly put it, she was "born that way." Kelly looks forward to these games because there's no bigger rivalry around whereas Derek was wishy-washy about the whole thing as he "has no time for 5-hour games."

We returned to our seats in time to witness the true meltdown. The only good thing to come out of this game is the fact that we're pretty sure Ichiro Suzuki and Kevin Youkilis read our blog (which probably gives Youk really low self-esteem) because both men came out songs we suggested on our "at bat" blog post. Ichiro came out to Snoop Dogg's "Drop it like it's Hot" and Youk came out to Eminem's "Til' I Collapse." Well done, fellas. On the field, it was an anal raping. In fact, by the top of the 9th inning when Jarrod Salty hit a ground rule double over Gardy's head, Serena muttered, "your mother's a whore, Tribek." Which has absolutely nothing to do with baseball. Or Salty. Obviously the heat and the outcome of this game had led to a complete mental breakdown. In our notebook, Serena also wrote, "Yankees - pack of a-holes." So that should pretty much sum up our night.

Our next Yankees fan in question is James.

As you can see, James is a Yankees fan. James is one of the few fans who gave us a pretty detailed reason for hating the Red Sox that did not include, "I grew up in a Yankees household." Of course, James hates the Red Sox for being division rivals, but it goes deeper than that. "I didn't always hate them this much. I used to hate the Sox like you hate some annoying kid in your class that isn't really a threat to you, but just kinda pisses you off. But since 04', it's been different. Now the Red Sox are a significant threat and they humiliated us in the worst way. I [also] feel that they have this undeserved underdog reputation as a scrappy team. In reality, they are one of the richest teams in all of sports and are consistently among the highest payroll teams. I realize that they still spend far less than the Yankees, but their fans (real and recent) have this smugness about them that they are the good guys simply because they aren't the Yankees. That's what I hate. The fact that in reality, they are the team most like the Yankees, but are perceived to be the anti-Yankees."

Meet Herv:

You might remember Herv from our blog last season featuring his son, Aidan, who has awesome dance moves. Herv hates how Red Sox fans "flex their muscle when the score is 27-2 [World Series championships] over the last 100 years." He looks forward to this series. It's probably why he continues to stay in touch with his family members in Mass so that he can throw it in their faces when the Yankees win. Sounds very stable.

Our last Yankees fan is Lauren D. (with Curtis Granderson...which pretty much qualifies her as a Yankees fan):

Lauren hates the Red Sox because they've always been the Yankees' biggest competition. She looks forward to these games because of the "playoff" feel these games tend to have. They always bring in the big crowds and the stadium's atmosphere becomes "electric." "I guess that's why they hike up the prices for these games."

Our "last" Red Sox fans interviewed really weren't last at all. Lauren works with Serena at her proper adult job and was nice enough to drag her husband, Sal into this nonsense. Lauren and Sal were technically the first fans interviewed since Serena talked to them before the game.

Lauren and Sal are married Red Sox fans. Sal's father was an Orioles fan and since he didn't want to root for the same team as his dad [we're always so nice to our parents when we're younger, aren't we? (:], he chose the Red Sox (his best friend was also a Red Sox fan, so it was a natural fit) and as a result, just grew up hating the Yankees. Lauren doesn't hate the Yankees, but she wouldn't necessarily root for them. She became a Red Sox fan while attending college in Rhode Island, where everyone was a Red Sox fan. She didn't grow up having a "team," so she just joined the fun while at school. Like most fans, Sal enjoys the playoff atmosphere that comes when the Red Sox and Yankees face each other. While Lauren also finds it exciting, it "also annoys me how crazy the games/fans can get. Love and support your team, don't bash the other." Well said, Lauren!!!

Across the board, most of our fans haven't had negative experiences with the opposing team's fans. Serena was starting to feel like she went to school in the Twilight Zone because thanks to her brief period at Emerson College, she had a lifetime of negative experiences with Red Sox fans. Only Lauren D. witnessed a man throw another man down a few rows of seats (which is absolutely terrifying) and Herv had a personal experience with a Red Sox fan. In Herv's case, his own cousin took his $109 Matsui jersey and threw it into a bucket of red paint because the Red Sox lost to the Yankees. His own family. So...that's a win. Lauren D. did make a good point about how the rivalry between the teams has changed over the last few years, which may have something to do with the positive responses we received from our fans. "During 2002-2009(ish), it seemed to me that the players really hated each other. AROD and Varitek got into it, Pedro Martinez and basically every Yankee got into it. That's when things were really intense. Now, it's still intense, but the players are more friendly." Derek Jeter needs to stop being the mayor and talking to everyone and their mother while he's standing in the infield, whether he's at short or on base. That's what that means. Stop asking the traveling gnome, Dustin Pedroia, how his wife and kids are. In fact, punch him in the d*ck. That'll make for great television and spice up the rivalry! : ) If the players aren't going to fight, we, as fans, aren't going to fight. We're all too nicey nice.

Most of the Red Sox fans didn't have a team they hated more than the Yankees, BUT both Zack and Kelly noted their disdain for the Miami Heat. Sal's reasoning is that "nothing compares to the Yankees/Red Sox rivalry. Biggest one in sports," Duke/UNC the only rivalry to come close (by the way, he hates Duke). Lauren was the happy go-lucky fan in the mix, saying she loved all baseball teams ("especially the ones with the cute players") because the "games are fun, the weather is great, the sport is a pastime. Having a team to love and support, even when they are losing is the best." On this subject, our Yankees fans were a different story. Derek hated the Patriots (it seems that the common theme is to hate other sports' teams more) and Herv hated both the Patriots and Celtics more, saying "if they lose, I have a good day. Funny how a team's success or lack thereof is tied to me having a good day, but I'm a sports nut." Both Sarah and Lauren D. said they hated the Mets more, but more for the fans than the team. As Sarah put it, "it's more of a rivalry within your own city and it's fun to have a friendly competition with your friends who are Mets fans." In all of our years being annoyed by a-holes during the Subway Series, this concept never dawned on us, so it was really interesting to hear this point of view. James hates the White Sox, so apparently he is Sox-prejudiced. He enjoys traveling to watch the Yankees play at other stadiums and he has never "experienced the venom that he received at the Cell [US Cellular Field]...some drunk chick White Sox fan tried to fight my mother." Who does that? Who picks a fight with someone's mother?

Everyone, except Herv seems to think their team is going to take this weekend's series. Herv feels that Buccholz is really tough and the Yankees offense has sucked recently. Kuroda would have to match him inning for inning in order for the Yankees to beat the Red Sox. Almost everyone seems confident that their team will take the division as well. Only James and Herv offered alternate options. James thinks the best team in the East is Tampa Bay, BUT still admitted that "the Replacement Yanks have performed and kept them in the race. I wouldn't be surprised if, as they get healthy, they find a way to win the East." Herv felt that if the Yankees didn't take the division, the Orioles would, saying that "I don't believe the Sox are as good as they seem right now."

Since everyone seems so nice to each other now, we weren't really able to dissect this rivalry too much either. We were hoping for some serious animosity and we didn't get it. Maybe we need a time machine to go back to the era Lauren D. referenced. There's a little bit of, "I grew up hating the Red Sox/Yankees," a little bit of, "the Yankees have too much money," and a dash of, "the Red Sox are delusional if they think they don't spend a crap ton of money too." That seems to be the crux of it.

Are you a Yankees or Red Sox fan with additional thoughts? Post a comment!

ALDS Game #4 2012: Yankees vs. Orioles

If you follow us on Facebook, you know how much we've ranted about the new playoff format f*cking up our ticket schedule for the Division Series. Thankfully, the Yankees are a pack of morons who didn't sweep the Orioles and we got to go to our Game #4. Before we get into our delightful 13-inning experience, let's talk poll results. Lisa had asked you if you agreed with the left field ump's call in the Braves/Cardinals game that basically allowed the Cardinals to advance to the NLDS. Of 7 votes, 5 of you said, "no f*cking way" whereas 2 of you said, "hell yeah." Here's the bottom line: the Cardinals never should've had the opportunity to play that game. End of story. Now they get to play the Championship Series against the Giants. F*ck you, Cardinals. We hope you get your asses handed to you. Go Giants! Oh, and f*ck you too, MLB. Just f*ck you and all of your mothers.

We all know how the Division Series on both sides have ended. The Yankees are playing the Tigers. The Giants are playing that jack ass team from St. Louis who should be sitting at home eating wings and playing golf right now. We'll be in attendance for Game #2 of the Yankees/Tigers series, so we'll be posting about those shenanigans next week. For now, we'll talk to you about what went down Thursday night.

We arrived at the stadium with enough time for us to grab a sausage sandwich and a beer before the game started. Sausage sandwich: $8. Snazzy souvenir beer cup: $11.

 

 

We shared a table in the food court with a couple that eyed us suspiciously and whispered to each other about placing bets. We tried ignoring them at first, but eventually they popped the question that apparently had been plaguing them since we joined them. And no, it wasn't them asking if we were lesbians.
"Are you guys sisters?"
"No."
"Really?"
"Really."
"Cos' you have the same mannerisms and everything."
"Nope. Not sisters."
"Wow."
Someone lost $5 over sheer stupidity. So sad.

By the time we finished scarfing our food down like animals, it was almost time for first pitch, so we hurried up all the steps that we had run up just two months ago in the Damon Runyon 5K to our seats.

Our starting pitchers for the evening were Phil Hughes and Joe Saunders. We were surprised that more O's fans weren't in attendance. Unfortunately, behind us was the biggest fratada O's fan in the franchise's history. Yes, she was that bad. Listen, we've traveled to Oriole Park for a Yankees game. Serena's been there multiple times without Lisa for Yankees games. O's fans are pretty chill. This bitch was anything but chill. We think she might've escaped from a mental institution in Philadelphia. She didn't cheer for her O's. She screamed. And when we say screamed, we mean she sounded like she was being raped and murdered in a back alley somewhere. She was also drunk, which means she had to piss a lot. Every time she had to go to the bathroom, she unsteadily groped the fans sitting in front of her so that she could make her way out of the row. One of the gropees was Serena. We all know how much Serena loves to be groped by random strangers...said no one ever. This chick was lucky that she wasn't punched in the vagina. We tried to be ninjas and take a picture of her subtley for you to see what an a-hole she was, so we pretended to take a photo of us, while trying to get a picture of her and her moron boyfriend in the background. This is how well we did:

See that phone she's holding? She dropped it on Serena twice. A-hole. On her 4 millionth return from the bathroom, we got a proper picture of her:

We should also enlighten you on some of the awesome sh*t she was screaming at the field. Let's begin with when Hughes was taken from the game. She screamed (yes, screamed, no exaggeration), "Sit your ass down you piece of sh*t! You suck!" Repeat over and over and over again. For starters, Phil Hughes is the equivalent of white bread. It's there and it totally works when you need to make a sandwich, but it really isn't all that inspiring or entertaining. Does white bread deserve to be called a "piece of sh*t?" No. We're not sure that it does. It's pretty functional when it needs to be. Secondly, Saunders was removed before Hughes! Does that make her starting pitcher a "piece of sh*t?" Does that mean Saunders "sucks" as well? At another point, we think she got really confused because she started screaming love phrases at Alex Rodriguez, who, to the best of our knowledge, plays for the Yankees. At that time, she also screamed, "let's go Yankees." Perhaps her beer had been doped. Shortly after, she returned to her O-fan status, but that didn't make us any less bewildered.

In front of us was a female Yankees fan that represented everything we hate about female fans. If you think the back of this asinine outfit is bad, you should've seen the front of it. Her hat was printed with a jeweled encrusted "Bronx Bombers," which was borderline terrifying. And her sweatshirt. Who the hell on the Yankees ever wore, "03?" That's a year, not a jersey number. Furthermore, PINK doesn't love the Yankees. They love every MLB and NFL team under the sun as long as some airhead fan is willing to buy the merchandise. You know what? PINK also loves yoga. So obviously PINK is just a love whore. That shirt probably cost her $70. Terrible.

In the bottom of the 6th, the Orioles were still leading 1-0 and we had to pee. While leaving the bathroom, we suddenly decided that we were hungry again. Like there's a f*cking surprise. We stopped at a nearby Wholly Guacomole stand and got a plate of nachos to share for $8.50. We covered it with cheese, beef, salsa, jalapeno peppers, and guacomole on the side. Sour cream is also available if you like that sort of thing.

We ate it at a nearby counter and watched the game overlooking left field. The Yankees tied up the game while we inhaled the food. We barely stopped chewing in order to high-five this small Yankee victory. This what our plate looked like when we were done:

We disgust ourselves. We got back to our seats in time for the bottom of the 8th. So shameful. Little did we know that we'd be in it for the long haul. Ichiro Suzuki singled, followed by a Mark Teixeira single with no outs. Robinson Cano moved the runners over with a ground ball to second. The Yankees had runners on second and third with only one out. This was it. The Yankees were going to win. We were going to witness the victory puppy pile at the end of the game. CC Sabathia was going to pitch Game 1 of the ALCS and we were going to get The Big Texan on Sunday. Everything was going according to plan. There was only two things standing in our way: a pair of hairy a-holes. Rodriguez struck out swinging and Nick Swisher flied out to end the inning and to not only piss off 95% of the stadium, but to encourage the fratada behind us to start screaming gibberish.

Nothing happened in the 9th, so we headed into extra innings, which we were oh so thrilled about seeing as how it was freezing, windy, and we were sitting in front of a psychopath. Plus, it was getting late, we had to take the train back, and both of us had to report to work bright and early the next day.

Lisa's remaining notes on the game were as follows: "Man in khaki pants has wood." The conversation went as follows:
Lisa: "Serena, look at that man in the khaki pants."
Serena: "What?"
Lisa: "Tell me he has a hard on."
Serena: "What?"
Lisa: "Tell me he has a hard on right now."
*Serena looks at his crotch*
Serena: "Oh, for crissakes, Lisa."
Lisa: "Exactly what is so arousing about what's happening right now? HOW can he have wood?"
Serena: "Absolutely nothing. There is nothing happening. This is the most frustrating game I've ever been to. If I was a dude, I'd have blue balls."
Lisa: "I think he's in love with his friend."
*We both turn to see them hugging each other*
Serena: "Apparently extra innings and beer make men want to express their bromance."
*Suddenly, we notice that we're surrounded by "bros" hugging each other, picking each other up, stroking each other, high-fiving each other, and being all-around in love with each other*
Lisa: "What the hell is going on?"
Serena: "This is why we're single. There are no straight men left."

Back to the game. Nothing happened. Alex Rodriguez struck out again. So did Nick Swisher. A pair of real American heroes. This is us trying to remain upbeat and positive during this time:

At the top of the 13th, the Orioles scored and the fratada screamed. We contemplated pushing her down the stairs. We didn't. We got home around 2 in the morning. Party on, Wayne. Party on, Garth. We are the super heroes of the week because we had to put up with all of this bull sh*t for 13 innings. It's hard to choose the a-hole of the week because this entire blog is dedicated to a-holes, but Alex Rodriguez seems to be the best choice. Sorry, Alex. We realize that you have low self-esteem (so do we) and that you're a Taco, but you've left us with no alternative.

We're off to ALCS Game #2. Will post pictures to Facebook and Twatter providing we can get internet access in that black hole of cell service. Miss you, love you, bye! Kiss noise!

I’m Gonna Be The Most Popular Girl

In an effort to make Troy Tulowitzki more masculine, we’ve decided to reach out to our meager following to find out what song Troy should come to the plate to in lieu of Justin Bieber. For some strange reason, only 3 people actually responded. We figured this would be a poll you’d enjoy. We’re confused. 2 of you voted for Black Sabbath’s Iron Man and 1 jack-a-loon legitimately voted for Britney Spears’ Slave for You. Makes us wonder if Troy actually found our blog and chose to vote for the song he wanted. No one voted for the other kick ass songs, I Wanna Rock (Twisted Sister), Back in Black (AC/DC), or Sad But True (Metallica). We gave you some amazing options and you failed to take advantage of the situation.

Now that we’re back in full swing with the baseball season, it’s time to discuss the mockery that has just passed. You guessed it. The All Star Game or as we like to call it, “MLB’s Most Popular Kids.” You might recall our blog title as being the chorus of a fantastic feature song from the classic 80’s film, “Teen Witch.” Can you possible guess as to where we’re taking this blog today?

Okay, we can get behind the Home Run Derby. It’s fun. Who doesn’t love watching home runs unless it’s the opposite team launching them off of your pitching staff? Plus, everyone participating has pretty much proven that they’re established home run hitters. Congrats, by the way, to Robinson Cano for his record-breaking victory over Adrian Gonzalez.

The All Star Game is like being in high school all over again. If you’re popular, you’re going to go far. Even if you’re the biggest a-hole in the world, you can still be voted in the yearbook as “Most Liked.” Even with Jorge Posada’s big ass ears and rodent-shaped nose, in his popular mojo-rising day, Jorge could’ve earned “Best Looking” honors even though he clearly didn’t deserve it. C’mon, Derek Jeter was on the DL and he’s not even having his greatest year and he was STILL voted to be the starting short stop. Are you people high??

Here’s another example of why popularity contests do not work: several years ago, David Ortiz was voted to be the starting first baseman (over Justin Morneau) for the American League. In the real world, people who can’t see their toes over their enormous bellies do not win NYC Marathons or anything physically challenging. Kay? And they certainly do not start as an infielder for their D-I college baseball team. Don’t get us wrong. These people might make excellent designated hitters (like Ortiz), but this is not the type of person who you expect to steal second or even make a diving play at first. However, the Boston Red Sox and New York Yankees are the most “popular” and well-known American League kids. Therefore, Ortiz was voted as starting first baseman. Please keep in mind that the year before, the first baseman riding the bench had won a batting title AND a gold glove (something Ortiz probably hasn’t won since he was 12, skinny, and playing little league). PLUS, when was the last time anyone saw that man actually play first base?? He can’t bend over and pick up a ground ball for heaven’s sakes.

Granted, some of these popular players DO deserve their All Star votes for obvious reasons. They became popular because they’re some of the best in the game. However, just because you’re known as being the best doesn’t mean that you’re always going to have an “on” year or that someone isn’t currently out-performing you. The All Star rosters should be comprised of men who are All Stars RIGHT NOW, not career All Stars. IF they decided to create a game in which Legendary All Stars are to compete, then we can revise our assessment of this situation.

Please note that we’re not ridiculing the pitchers that have been selected to the All Star game. Management handles that and since we’re pretty sure that management wants to actually win, they put a lot of thought into the men they select to represent them on the mound. We’re specifically ridiculing the moron fans that pick up the All Star ballot and select all of the players listed from the New York Yankees. Even the ones on the DL or don’t play every day. Guess what, folks? Derek Jeter is NOT the best short stop in the game!!! He’s just the Prom King and the rest of the All Star guys are just his prom court!

The National League ended up defeating the American League 5-1, but let’s be serious. Justin Verlander was ineligible to pitch because he started on Sunday and it’s not an All Star party unless Justin’s in attendance.

Baseball notes:
Good news, Mets fans! On Tuesday night, KROD and cash (apparently the Mets had to PAY the Brewers to take him) was traded to the Brewers in exchange for two players called TBD! Farewell, KROD! Keep your anger management issues in control because if we find out that you’ve punched one of the sausages, we’re coming after you with a vengeance.

In keeping with the “ROD” topic, the other ROD recently had successful hip surgery. He’ll be out for about 4-6 weeks and in the meantime, Serena has picked up Chase Headley from San Diego to play third for her fantasy team, Tigers Love Pepper. Clearly, AROD has put a damper in things for Serena and she hates when that happens. GOD! You’re so selfish, AROD!!!

Today, Phil Hughes made his first start since April and he looked pretty good (if a little chubbier than we last saw him)! Hopefully, he continues on this positive path.

M + M = Midwest Mania

So…it’s Week 2 of Operation Moustache Removal. As you know, last Sunday we emailed Barry Zito a letter requesting that he remove the heinous furry caterpillar from his upper lip. We asked you if you felt that Barry Zito would reply to this email. 5 of you replied, “Why wouldn’t he? It’s a well-crafted and though-out email.” 2 of you said, “Negative. I can’t believe you actually sent it.” It is now Day 7. We’ve no word from the one who calls himself “Zito.” Lisa is itching to send a follow-up email, but Serena feels like we’ve already done enough damage.

Don’t forget that we have a TBB Super Hero of the Week contest going on. Submit to us your photo along with a paragraph or so as to what makes you a super hero. Best/most creative entry (or best looking male ages 18 and older) will earn a spot as TBB Super Hero of the Week for the week of 5/22. The deadline for submission is Saturday, May 21st with the winner being announcing on Sunday’s blog before we take off for Minneapolis. We haven’t received any submissions yet, but we’re looking forward to hearing from you!

So we’ve started hammering out the details of our itineraries while we’re in Minneapolis and Milwaukee! Minneapolis seems like it’s going to be as wonderful as Seattle was and we only regret that we’re not spending more time there. While in town (in addition to the game of course), we plan on visiting Lake Calhoun (and hopefully, rent a canoe…imagine the pictures), the Como Park Zoo & Conservatory, and we even plan on enjoying a guided tour of the Twin Cities! If anyone Minneapolis locals have suggestions as to where we should go for food and drinks, we’re open to hearing them. Also, recommendations as to what to eat at Target Field are welcome.

In Milwaukee, we’ll naturally pay a visit to the Miller Brewery as well as take part in a “Walk on Water” guided tour of Milwaukee, which basically translates to “while seeing the sights, you’ll eat and drink at our favorite eateries and pubs/breweries.” Basically, this tour was made for us. Other than these excursions and Miller Park, we don’t have too much planned, so if anyone has recommendations, we’re all ears! Food and booze are a priority as always.

In Fred K’s Cancer related news, we’ll be attempting to solicit t-shirt sponsors later today. Hopefully, we’ll return with positive news.

Apparently Joe Girardi is “worried” about Phil Hughes. Us too. The boy will be visiting specialists in St. Louis to determine what his damn physical problems are all about. Hughes has been on the DL since April 15th with what the team is calling a “dead arm.” Specialist Dr. Robert Thompson is trying to determine whether Hughes as thoracic outlet syndrome, which affects blood flow and could be the reason for Hughes’ drop in velocity.

Babies, Freds, Rookies & Temper Tantrums

Before we report to you the pathetic results of last week’s poll, we happily inform you that Sister had a charming baby girl. 8 lbs. 11 oz. in all her glory. Sister’s ability to pop something that size from her being entitles her to TBB Super Hero of the Week privileges…not that that actually gets her anything. Like a cool parking space or a snazzy keychain, but at least she will feel appreciated. Since Sister was in labor last week, we were a bit hurried and our poll was a little short on options. This apparently hurt our turnout because only 4 people chose to vote. We asked what song you would come out to the plate to if you were a big league hitter like Lisa and the winner with a rousing 2 votes was Survivor’s “Eye of the Tiger.” While that song is amazing, can you people get anymore unoriginal? 1 person voted for one of the best stripper songs in history, Warrant’s “Cherry Pie” and 1 other person voted for Outfield’s “Your Love,” which Lisa thought was called, “Josie” (as in “Josie’s on a vacation far away. Come around and talk it over. So many things that I want to say. You know I like my girls a little bit older. I just wanna use your love tonight”). Sadly, no one thought Tina Turner’s “Simply the Best” would be their anthem. Really? That song playing on the radio is what prompted this poll question. In fact, we’re probably going to force the two Freds to come out to that song at the Fred K’s Cancer event because we’re the best daughters ever.

In outstanding Mets news, the boys from Flushing finally won a series! Cue the ticker tape parade, ladies and gentlemen. This is a momentous occasion that needs celebrating. We’ll bathe in it like bubble bath. Also, our favorite amigo, Johan Santana, has started wearing rosary beads as an accessory. Why, Johan? Say it ain’t so. Don’t leave us this way. We can’t survive without your sweet facial hair.

Francisco Rodriguez recorded his first save last night.

Ike Davis, Hottie Jacobs’ replacement, made his major league debut this week against the Cubs. Other than his sideburns, he’s become a fan favorite for being able to actually make contact with the ball unlike a few other players on the team. He assisted in the Mets 6-1 victory on Monday, going 2 for 4 with an RBI.

The Yankees have started their west coast trip with shocking success, taking two of three from the Oakland Athletics. Phil Hughes nearly no-hit the A’s on Wednesday night, pitching into the 8th. Eric Chavez’s lead off line drive ricocheted off of Hughes’ left arm (or glove. It was hard to see from the angle shown on the TV) and the ball rolled in front of him, where he lost track of it until that Brazilian Landing Strip Chin made it to first with an infield single. Hughes struck out a career high 10 batters in the Yankees 3-1 victory. He is now 2-0.

Brazilian Landing Strip Chin’s retirement into the DH role has been somewhat depressing, considering his former prowess at the hot corner and while we can sympathize with him, it does not excuse that…growth. Eric, please get rid of it. For us all, man. Do us the favor.

In the Yankees 4-2 loss to the A’s on Thursday, AROD initiated the Yankees’ first triple play in 42 years. However, in the top of the 6th, pitcher Dallas Braden felt that AROD was a bit naughty. After an AROD single, Cano fouled off a pitch and AROD, who was in between second and third, cut across the mound to return to first base. Apparently that was “MAJOR” because it started a screaming match between Braden and AROD…which was one of the most hilarious things we’ve ever seen during a baseball game. Braden’s reaction was so dramatic that Serena nearly peed herself from laughing so hard. According to Braden, “if he wants to run across the pitcher’s mound, tell him to go do laps in the bullpen.” Um, Braden? When you’re referring to the bull pen, are you talking about that little patch of dirt on the sidelines that they’ve relegated for that purpose? Cos’ that’s not much of a bull pen, darling. At the conclusion of the fight, Braden threw his mitt against the wall in the dugout and kicked over a stack of cups. Wow. So at the age of 26, men are allowed to behave like spoiled brats? Dude, we’re pretty sure that you should’ve outgrown that behavior at this junction in your life. For someone who’s only been in the MLB for 3 years, he sure acts like a primadonna. He must’ve received lessons from Dustin Pedroia.

Baseball Notes: On Sunday, the Mets designated Mike Jacobs (or as Lisa likes to call him, “Mike Jameson” because it sounds sexy. Like him) for assignment…meaning he got fired. This depresses us. Other than Jeff Francoeur, who are we supposed to molest now? Clearly TOWSNBN isn’t going to let us rub up against him as he will not even pose for a photograph with us. In place of Jacobs, the Mets promoted RHP Toby Stoner from Triple A-Buffalo…who is not nearly as hot as Jacobs, but whatever. Obviously Omar Minaya has zero taste in men.

Lou Piniella announced prior to Wednesday night’s game against the Mets that he’s moving the struggling Carlos Zambrano to the bullpen, saying “we felt he could do a really nice job for us there.” The Cubs’ bullpen’s combined ERA entering Wednesday’s game was 6.15 with a 1-6 record and has blown 4 of 7 save opportunities so far.

Cliff Lee’s debut in Seattle is tentatively scheduled for 4/30. He’s going to make a minor league rehab start with Triple A-Tacoma on Monday. If all goes well, he’ll be starting on normal rest against the Rangers.

We’ve already gotten emails from MLB.com about voting for our favorite All Stars. This process needs to be reevaluated. First of all, the fans shouldn’t be allowed to pick anymore because it’s become a mockery. Second of all, the game is not until July and the season is only in its first month. How could you possibly make sound judgments as to who belongs on the All Star roster this early? If we’re going based on performance thus far, Mike Pelfrey is getting the NL Cy Young Award, which is just ridiculous. Okay, admittedly, that statement was an exaggeration, but you get the point. This is the kind of crap that contributes to David Ortiz starting at first for the American League instead of Justin Morneau or Mark Teixeira. Or maybe someone we haven’t even heard of yet, but really deserves to be a member of the team.

In a Baseball State of Mind

While Serena frolicked around the streets of Los Angeles with Erin, Lisa asked if you ever took what sports commentators said seriously. While we are happy that more people voted this time around (8 total), it saddens us to relay the outcome of this poll. 1 person actually thinks that sports commentators are the wisest people ever. Really? Okay, you sole survivor, you must not have many intelligent friends or perhaps you never actually paid attention and listened to a game, subjecting yourself to ongoing rants about crap that have nothing to do with the players or the team. At least our rants are baseball-related! If this is the case, we forgive you. Or maybe you’re an out of stater whose team actually has an acceptable announcer’s booth. If so, we’re jealous! 2 of our fine feathered friends chose to watch the game on mute. We happen to do the same. Sometimes when we are watching the game, we pretend that our Coors Light bottles are microphones and we report on what’s shaking on the field...to absolutely no one. At this stage, Brother usually vacates the house in a hurry. We think that we’ve become quite good at announcing, with only the small, itty bitty hiccup of needing a beep button to regularly cut out the cursing. Is that really so bad? We love Ron Darling on SNY and Paul O’Neil’s special guest appearances on YES, but other than these exceptions, please, Keith Hernandez and Michael Kay, stop making our ears bleed! We beg you! Bobby Murcer, we miss you! The last choice won in a landslide with 5 votes and this is somewhat disconcerting to us. The option was “Maybe. I have patience. After all I do read this blog.” Do you really hate us or something? I mean we joke around that you guys do, but now we’re thinking that our joking was just a way to disguise the truth and this realization kind of hurts. The TBB are not entirely insensitive. We do actually have feelings. Don't be cruel to a heart that’s true (insert Elvis lip curl).

Tomorrow is D-Day. The time for the St. Jude’s Ab Challenge is upon us. Last year, Serena completed 5, 591 crunches in an hour. With a newly developed sore throat, she’s under no illusion that she’s going to blow this total out of the water. She’ll settle for hitting 6,000 this time. To celebrate, we’re hoping that Mamadukes is open to hitting up the closest IHOP for face stuffing (ahem, Mamadukes, are you reading this?). While Lisa dreams of the breakfast sampler, Serena hopes to sleep on a bed of glorious pancakes (hmmm…imagine if Bon Jovi’s song had been a Bed of Pancakes instead of Roses? Would he still have slept on a bed of nails?). Wish us luck, people!

Now onto more pressing news: baseball. On Tuesday, Cliff Lee said that he still felt some pain in his strained abdomen following his first on field test of the injury and he has no idea when he’ll be able to get on the mound again. Yikes! Is it possible that he may not be ready when the Mariners start their season at Oakland on April 5th?

Terry Francona announced on Wednesday that the x-rays on second baseman, Dustin Pedroia’s sprained left wrist were negative. He’ll most likely return to the lineup today. Sorry. We’ve got no sympathy for the Duke of the royal MLB Whiner’s Court.

A-hole #2 (aka: Jose Reyes. Until he proves himself as being the player he once was, he’ll remain A-hole #2) returned to the lineup on Wednesday. Look at that. Round of applause for going back to work. Hoorah. Reyes has been out due to elevated thyroid hormone levels. It is still a question weather or not he will be able to play on opening day but it's still progress. Reyes states that he has been following directions (a huge step for Reyes, as far as we’re concerned) and doing everything that he’s told. For example, he has been instructed to stay away from seafood, mostly shellfish, as well as Chinese food. They believe that this may have been the cause for his elevated levels. Looks like no lunch special #5 for Reyes. Boo hoo.

With just over a week to go before the start of the baseball season, Joe Girardi finally revealed that Phil Hughes will take on the role of the Yankees’ fifth starter. Hughes managed to beat out Joba Chamberlain, Alfredo Aceves, Sergio Mitre, and Chad Gaudin, who was released yesterday. His improved change up is what supposedly tipped the scales in his favor and we all know how Serena simply loves a good change up (why do you think she’s remained loyal to Zito for so long? DON’T say his good looks). Now if only Hughes could imitate Zito’s curve ball. Whooooooo! Serena just might slap him (in a good, loving way, not an abusive, scary, he better get a restraining order kind of way). Hughes’ hard work paid off and this is why he is this week’s Super Hero of the Week!

After spending most of his preseason visiting doctors and performing exercises to relieve his ailing back, Orioles’ second baseman, Brian Roberts, will at long last see some action in his first spring training game tonight when the Orioles take on the Twins. Roberts hopes to start in the Orioles’ season opener against the Rays on April 6th.

Our last tid bit of news involves a man that might actually bump Carlos Beltran from his title of A-hole #1. Shocking, we know. Apparently, Milton Bradley (just typing his name right there brings a snarl to our lips), compares himself to Kanye West and Ron Artest, saying “in baseball, they’ve got Milton Bradley. I’m that guy. You need people like me so you can point your finger and go, ‘There goes the bad guy.’” First of all, why are you an idiot who consistently refers to himself in the third person? Second of all, why is this stigma something you’re proud of? We don’t need another dirt bag in professional sports. You’re giving it to us out of your own free will. Sorry, Milton, but we’re all stocked up here. Bradley’s already been ejected twice in 3 Mariners spring games last week. Really, dude? The season hasn’t even started. What the hell are you doing? Hopefully, being around a class act like Ken Griffey Jr. will straighten him up. Perhaps Griffey can teach Bradley the fine art of minding his manners and keeping his damn mouth shut! Here’s a tip, Milton: Maybe if you kept your mouth shut and just played ball, you wouldn’t have to be the Kanye West of baseball. If Griffey can turn Bradley into a quasi-gentleman, we’ll dub him Super Hero of the YEAR!

In honor of Super Hero of the Week, Phil Hughes, we’re parting ways with you to the fine words of Phil Collins (even though the original is technically by Diana Ross): “you can't hurry baseball. Oh, you just have to wait. Baseball season comes in April and it's a game of give or take. How long must we wait? How much more can we take before loneliness will cause our heart to break?”