Things We Learned in France

Bonjour, fellow sports fans! We’re finally back in the bright Etats Unis and while we enjoyed ourselves abroad, we’re happy to be home. You’ve been without a blog from us for two straight weeks, so our poll specifically asked if you’d miss us while we were away. Somehow in two weeks, there were only 8 respondents, but we’ll let that one go. What we can’t let go is that 1 person actually voted, “Uh…how do I say this in the nicest way possible? No.” Do we even have to say what you are? Do we? Thankfully, 5 people genuinely like us and wait with bated breath for every Friday post. 2 people, in typical TBB fan fashion, agreed that they’d miss us, but only if we brought them back a beret. While we can appreciate the fact that you need to be bribed in order to miss us, you must insane if you think that we’re encouraging this behavior by buying you presents. Especially a 9 euro beret. That’s like $12 for a stupid-looking hat. A stupid-looking hat that we only saw tourists wearing in Paris. Get lost. We released a great sigh of relief at the fact that no one voted for us losing our passports because it would be “hilarious.” You know what? That wouldn’t be hilarious. That would be f-ed up and terrifying. Haven’t you seen Brokedown Palace? Granted, Kate Beckinsale and Claire Danes didn’t lose their passports, but they still ended up in a creepy foreign prison for an inordinate amount of time. Plus, we gotta be honest with you. We don’t know anyone who’d be willing to bail us out.  

       

So we missed almost all of the Division Series and you may think that we have nothing stimulating to tell you this week, but you’re wrong. We must say that we learned quite a lot while in France and we feel the need to impart this information on to you so that you can become more cultured and intelligent individuals. 

1.     Roy Halladay pitched a no hitter. Wow. You must be shocked that we’d been able to find this out while in France, a country notorious for hating everything American (turns out, this rumor is actually true), but we got this tid bit from the scrolling marquee of CNN. Major props to Roy in his playoff debut and to CNN for being the mother load of news and information.

2. Timmmmmmmmmmmy threw 14 strikeouts in the Giants 1-0 shutout of Derek Lowe and the Braves. How did we find this one out? At a very congested internet spot located in the lobby of our hotel in lovely Bayeux.

3. AJ Burnett did not make the ALDS pitching rotation. This was learned at an Internet Café in Rouen, in which we had to pay 2 euros for 20 minutes of internet surfing. We cheered (even though Auntiedukes admitted that AJ “had been her boy.” Ours too, Auntie. Ours too). The locals surrounding us were confused.

4. While they’d eventually succumb to the Rangers, it turned out that the Rays have a lot of fight in them (as if anyone had doubt), overcoming a 2 game deficit to force the series to Game 5.

5. You may be told before visiting Paris that the subway system is so easy that Manny Ramirez could figure it out. It’s true that the maps are very easy to read and understand, but the kiosks selling metro passes are NOT. For starters, Paris appears to be in the Stone Ages when it comes to kiosk technology. Majority of the kiosks are not touch screen. They LOOK like they’re touch screen, but we assure you that they’re not. Press the screen all you want. Nothing happens. We know this because Serena tried to use the “touch screen” repeatedly until an annoyed Parisian pushed her out of the way in order to demonstrate how to use the machine. In fact, not only are they not touch screen, they have a retarded, non-descript black wheel for scrolling through menus and the buttons are on the side of the screen. Paris, if you migrate to touch screens, you can do away with the stupid wheel AND buttons. Way more efficient. Think about it. Also, we’re not go into about why we feel this way, but the RER is asinine. Trust us. We know from experience.

6. When traveling on an evening Seine River Cruise, you might feel the urge to rub your girlfriend’s ass and then finger it, but you refrain because you’re in public and you’re scared that behavior like that is inappropriate. You’d be mistaken. Rest assured that this behavior is not only appropriate, it’s also encouraged. Take the couple we witnessed during our cruise. There was no shame or attempt to hide the fingering. Lingering was involved while we, instead of watching the beautifully lit scenery passing us by, gawked at the butt-play unfolding before us.

7. Auntiedukes is an awesome good time and full of clever quips that deserve quoting such as, “Would you say,” “Do I turn here? I think we do. I’m turning,” and “I know where we are. Marie Antoinette’s Estate (never mind the fact that the entire area was Marie Antoinette’s Estate).” You should really consider taking her on vacation with you. You’ll enjoy her.

8. Traffic circles. If you don’t know where to turn, the best course of action is to continue driving around the traffic circle until you can come to a decision. Choose poorly and you end up 45 minutes out of your way because there’s no easy way to turn around.

9. Traffic in Paris may be slightly worst than Los Angeles. We can’t commit to this because it would require more careful research, but based on what we’ve experienced while visiting Erin and The Favorite in Los Angeles and our journey from Mont St. Michel into Paris, we think that Paris takes the cake here. Going forward, whenever we’re sitting in rush hour and are about to drive our cars into a concrete divider out of frustration, we’ll recall our time in Paris and realize that it’s not so bad.

10. Don’t bitch about gas prices. It cost Auntiedukes 60 euros to fill up a car smaller than the Ford Focus. That’s approximately $80 to fill up a 15 gallon gas tank.

11. Parisians really are as rude as the stereotypes imply.

12. Omar Minaya and Jerry Manuel were fired. Mama L. informed us of this when Lisa made one of her check-in phone calls to the parentals in order to notify them that we hadn’t seen any terrorists yet.

13. The French get pissed off when the government raises their retirement age from 60 to 62. Are you friggin’ kidding? Americans retire when they’re dead. Just one reason why France had to be bailed out in both World Wars. The French don’t work.

14. Lisa pronounces “Merci” like “Messy.”

15. The Yankees shockingly swept the Twins. We say shockingly because we really felt that the Twins would put up a fight. How did we learn this? Good ole’ CNN again.

The Championship series is upon us and since we’re back in this country, we’ll actually be able to watch the games! We hope that these games are just as good as the ones we tragically missed. So far the pitching matchups look to be as follows:

Friday
CJ Wilson/CC Sabathia (8 pm/TBS)

Saturday
Colby Lewis/Phil Hughes (4:00 pm/TBS)
Roy Halladay/Tim Lincecum (7:30 pm/FOX)

Sunday
Roy Oswalt/Jonathan Sanchez (8 pm/FOX)

Monday
Andy Pettitte/Cliff Lee (8 pm/TBS)

Tuesday
Matt Cain/Cole Hamels (4 pm/FOX)
AJ Burnett/Tommy Hunter (8 pm/TBS)

Wednesday
TBD/TBD (4 pm/TBS)
Madison Bumgarner/Joe Blanton (7:30 pm/FOX)

Neil Diamond closes us out with, “Got a dream that the Yankees will win. The Tbb is back in America. Got a dream we want to share. The TBB is back in America.”