Old Time Rock N’ Roll

Following the release of the Forbes’ Most Disliked Athletes, we asked you why you hated Kris Humphries. 12 of you actually responded. Wow. Apparently we found something you’re passionate about. A man with no personality. Exciting stuff. 5 of you said that you were jealous of the fact that he penetrated Kim Kardashian. Not surprising that this choice was the winner. In second place with 4 votes is “I don’t hate him. I actually have no idea who the hell he is.” 3 of you voted for “It’s his hair. Something about it. Makes me feel like he’s not to be trusted.” No one voted for the fact that he spells his name wrong. If we voted on our own polls, that would’ve gotten at least 1 vote because his spelling of the name “Chris” drives Serena crazy. How stupid could his parents possibly be? Everyone knows Chris is spelled with a “Ch,” not a “K.” It’s just like that a-hole Andruw Jones. It’s An-DREW, d*ckhead!

By now, we’ve all heard the news that Hall of Fame catcher Gary Carter died following a battle with brain cancer that lasted approximately 9 months. Lisa returned home from work on Thursday to find Papa L heartbroken over the news. Gary Carter had always been one of the good ones. Hard working, played with fire, never heard anything scandalous about him, rallied his teammates, was about the team, not himself or his stats. In professional sports these days, a good man like Carter is hard to find and it seems as though the good ones can’t catch a break while the bad apples are given everything on a silver plate. Imagine what classy players like Don Mattingly and Ken Griffey Jr. could have done with their careers had they not had the misfortune of being plagued with injuries. Johan Santana and Justin Morneau are both coming off of severe injuries confident that they’ll return healthy for the 2012 season, but there’s no telling what the Mets and Twins are actually going to get out of these players no matter how hard they work to get back to their original form.

On the flip side, players like Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Manny Ramirez, Carlos Beltran, and Jose Reyes were given a gift and instead of appreciating it and playing the game the way it should’ve been, they disrespected the it. Sprinkled among this gambit of jerk offs are steroid scandals, wagging tongues, lies, disrespect of management, selfishness, and flat out laziness. The most recent example of this is Jose Reyes. His departure for Miami clearly displayed that money was more important to him than being a part of a team (like Derek Jeter, Mariano Rivera, Tim Wakefield, Ken Griffey Jr., Tim Lincecum, Joe Mauer). Reyes spent years with the Mets following the signing of his big contract acting insubordinate to his management (Willie Randolph) and putting for zero effort on the field. In the final year of his contract, in an attempt to make a “good impression” on potential employers, he stepped up his game and began to play like the Reyes of old. One good season is not enough. You should be playing with heart every day. You’re paid to play, not look pretty. If that’s what you wanted out of a career, you should’ve called Tyra Banks for a position on America’s Next Top Model (ahem, we’re talking to you, Carlos Beltran).

Having an utter disregard for how the game was meant to be played is the most frustrating thing to watch as a fan. You pay good money to watch these players and it’s disappointing to feel like you care more about the outcome than they do. Not running out ground balls, not taking the extra two steps to catch a ball on the fly, swinging at bad pitches (or just watching it pass by), and not taking the extra base when it’s available to you is unacceptable. You learn these basic skills in little league. Now that you get paid to do these little things, what exactly is your problem? What the hell happened to you? You cared at one point. The aftermath of the dropped Luis Castillo pop up during the Subway Series at Yankees Stadium in 2009 blew our minds. Not because Castillo dropped the ball (that was bad enough), but because Mark Teixeira scored from first on the play. People carried on about what heads up base running that was and that’s absolutely true. It was heads up base running, but on the same token, it was two outs. He should’ve been running hard period. That’s something you learn in week 2 of playing little league. So, yeah, he should get a pat on the back for doing it, but he was also doing his job properly. Why are we making such a big deal about it? He was SUPPOSED to do that. Once upon a time, the Andruw Joneses and Alphonso Sorianos of the game used to run hard like that. Being paid big money isn’t an acceptable excuse. In fact, neither is age because despite big money and getting older, you still see Derek Jeter, TOWSNBN, and Jayson Werth running everything out. They might have lost a step or two as they’ve gotten older, but that doesn’t prevent them from playing up to the best of their ability. That’s what matters. Brian McCann is slow as sh*t, but that doesn’t stop him from running the bases as hard as he possibly can. Check out this video clip of his first big league triple. You can pretty much stop watching after 1:24 because the rest of the clip is Jeff Francoeur scoring McCann on a sac fly. Note how Chipper Jones nearly pisses himself from laughing at McCann’s base running. He may look ridiculous, but he’s hustling! As he should be.

The cult following behind Jason Varitek is flabbergasting. Do these people realize that he’s a lazy catcher? Most of his pass balls are not a result of the pitcher’s inaccuracy, but because he was too lazy to move his fat a$$ into a better fielding position. When you’re learning how to field, you’re taught that whenever possible, get your body in front of the ball. On the field, the catcher probably has the easiest time of this than any of his/her teammates. Why? Because the ball is being thrown directly to him. Instead of sticking your glove out to catch a ball to the right or left of you, shuffle your damn feet, and move your butt to get in front of the ball. How friggin’ hard is that? You see college kids doing it all the time. Hell, you see Joe Mauer doing it all the time and he’s got to be the biggest damn catcher we’ve ever seen. He’s got grasshopper legs. From that position, if the ball bounces off of you, it’ll at least stay in front of you, keeping the runners from advancing as opposed to the ball ricocheting off your glove and rolling off to god knows where. We think these lollygagging players need a little bit of this to get them back on track.

Being mouthy is second only to laziness. We’ll accept your douchey personality if you play the game the way it was meant to be (Chipper Jones). Pedro Martinez, Manny Ramirez, Carl Pavano, Jimmy Rollins, Josh Beckett, Dallas Braden and Andruw Jones are all talented athletes. They were all given gifts that normal, everyday people will never come close to. Instead of being humble, they became legends in their own minds. Dallas Braden, for example, apparently pays the mortgage on the mound at McAfee Coliseum. No one’s allowed to run across it. Not even Alex Rodriguez, who unlike Braden, has definitely clocked in many hours working with the MLB. What’s worse about Braden is that he plays for the A’s. This man isn’t even a douchebag playing in Boston, Philly, or New York where douchebags grow on trees. Pedro Martinez threw an old man (Don Zimmerman) on the ground and not only did he not apologize for this type of behavior, he apparently saw nothing wrong with it. Jimmy Rollins needs to stop for two seconds and shut the f*ck up. Just play the stupid game. Quit your damn yammering. You sound like an a-hole. Carl Pavano’s got a lot wrong with him. The Marlins’ World Series championship against the Yankees in 2003 proved that the boy could not only pitch, but pitch well in high pressure situations. What followed his departure from the Marlins is truly astounding. The man got into car accident and didn’t tell anyone in the Yankees organization of his injuries. He just decided he’d pitch through them. Way to take the team’s well-being into consideration on that one, pal. Good job.

After a lot of bitching on our part, we present you with this week’s baseball notes: All Star outfielder and 3-time Gold Glove winner Mike Cameron has announced his retirement after 17 years of playing. Cameron had agreed to terms with the Nationals just two months prior. Over the span of his career, he played with 8 teams including the White Sox, Mariners, Marlins, Mets, Padres, and Brewers.

45-year old knuckle-baller Tim Wakefield also announced his retirement after 19 years with the league, 17 of them playing for the Red Sox. That’s amazing. Players just don’t stay with teams for that long anymore.

In asstastic news, Jayson Werth still looks like a hairy a-hole, but at the very least, he’s trimmed the beast that’s residing on his face. Maybe the TBB’s are finally rubbing off on him.

Bob Seger rounds out the day with, “Just give us the old time baseball players. The kind of men that played with soul. We reminisce about the days of old with those old time baseball players.”

Arbitration

Our discussion of men’s grooming habits last week naturally led to a poll covering the topic. We asked which of our subjects had the best look. 11 of you sounded off. The results? Baffling. Mind blowing. Makes us feel like we’ve smoked crack recently. Of the 11 votes, 5 of you legitimately chose Brian Wilson’s Porn-Bush. We want the 5 of you to close your eyes and play a little imagination game with us. Are your eyes closed? Now imagine you’re alone in a quiet room with your significant other. Your significant other has tied you to a chair. You literally cannot move any part of your body. Your significant other approaches you for a sexy, smoochie. But wait…he/she has a beard the size of an afro sported by many of the actors in Jackie Brown. The beard is getting closer to you. The beard actually touches your lips before their lips can (Lisa just moaned and said, “eww, this is making me itch”). The beard grazing your face feels like a brillo pad and still, their lips haven’t touched yours yet. In fact, their lips can’t reach your lips through the beard because the beard has now taken control of everything. The beard wants to take over the world now. Wants to run for President of the United States. Wants to eat everyone’s firstborn child. Wants to bring about the apocalypse. You can’t escape. Remember, you’re tied to a chair. You’re doomed to face a lifetime of beard suffocation. This is worse than the Salem Witch Trials. You wish you were dead.

Now open your eyes. Still feel warm and fuzzy about your choice? Hmmm? We didn’t think so. The runner up with 4 votes was Justin Verlander’s Gentlemanly Scruff. In Verlander, we trust. Cole Hamels’ Compromise and CJ Wilson’s Effortless Sex each earned 1 vote. Really? The name of Wilson’s look was called “Effortless Sex.” No one bought into that? No. Why would you do something that makes sense? You a-holes bought into a porn bush with food stuck in it. No one voted for Will Rhymes’ Lack of Commitment, Brian McCann’s Proper Beard, Jayson Werth’s Sherwood Forest, or Barry Zito’s Magnum PI Stache.

Tim Lincecum and the Giants are finally closer to a contract agreement that would enable the parties to avoid a salary arbitration hearing. “Industry sources” (who are these industry sources they’re always talking about anyway? Are they fans? Stadium garbage pickers? Grounds Crew members? Concession stand employees? Front office staff? Training staff? Other players? WHO? WHO are these people?????) have confirmed that talks between the club and Lincecum have progressed quite nicely. For a 1-year contract, Lincecum requested $21.5 million and the Giants countered with $17 million. Seriously, Lincecum? $17 million for 1 year’s worth of work is a pretty sweet deal. Take it. Don’t complain. And don’t grow a porn-bush. We’re begging you.

Before we go into the rest of this week’s baseball notes, let’s talk arbitration. Admittedly, when you combine our college educations, you get a BFA in Writing, Literature, and Publishing, a Minor in History (Western Civilization), and 2 years at Nassau Community College studying Liberal Arts. Basically that’s a sh*t ton of useless knowledge and creativity (because we’re “artists”). We have zero smarts when it comes to business or anything related to the legal system. After hearing this term, “arbitration” over and over every offseason and stumbling upon it again when reading about Tim Lincecum, Serena had enough. She Googled “What the f*ck does arbitration mean?” If you knew Serena at all, you’d know that that’s legitimately what she Googled. Apparently, to make a bunch of legal jargon short and sweet, arbitration is basically when two disputing parties agree to let someone else decide the fate of the argument. For example, if we were fighting about whether to order our 10 cent wings Hot or Super Hot, we’d call in Chris, the bar back, to “arbitrate” and make the decision for us. We’d agree to do whatever Chris decided. If we’ve got this concept right (and we think we do), this means that if Tim Lincecum and the Giants have to go to a salary arbitration hearing, a person or persons would determine Lincecum’s salary and Lincecum and the Giants would have to comply with whatever the decision is. Super. Now, here’s why we should be on this arbitration panel:

• We’re awesome. We don’t ever stop being awesome.
• We own suits. Therefore, we’ll look extremely professional while arbitrating your salary or whatever it is you want us to arbitrate
• We like 10 cent wings which means we’re fiscally responsible. We’re not going to overpay athletes for simply playing a game. C’mon. Like we should pay you to play Monopoly or something. Please. You’ll get a salary that we feel is acceptable for what you contribute to the world. So, Timmy? If the Giants are offering you $17 million, you should take it because there’s no way in hell we’re giving you that much money to pitch once every 4-5 games in one season. You’ve got to be out of your goddamn mind. You’ll make the equivalent to a secretary. $35,000/year. If you make it to the World Series, we’ll give you $30 worth of Taco Bell. Anything on the Taco Bell menu that your heart desires…totaling $30. Not $31. Not $30.99. Not $30.01. $30 (including tax). We can discuss a raise after conducting a performance evaluation at your next arbitration hearing in 2013 just like every other hard working American in this country.
• Even though we hang out at a bar every Monday night, we still manage to get up for work on time. We even get dressed and comb our hair. This means that we’re responsible adults…we think. Or it might mean that we have a drinking problem. We’re going to stick with “responsible adults.” Just go with it.
• We work out so when sh*t gets out of hand during the arbitration process, we will be able to exert force and authority in order to reign it in and stay on track.
• We’re inherently lazy. Why will this benefit you? Any time spent away from eating, drinking beer, sleeping, or other bedroom-related activities is pretty much a nuisance to us. Therefore, we will not allow this drag on any longer than it has to. You’ll be in and out before you know it.

And that is why you should vote TBB for Arbitration! TBB 2012! Peace out!

Elsewhere in the league. The Oakland A’s have reportedly shown interest in Manny Ramirez. If you recall, Ramirez retired last season rather than face a heavy suspension for testing positive for steroids a second time around. A real class act. Awesome. Like that stadium needs to be made even uglier. Good job, folks. Keep up the good work out there in Oakland. At this rate, your team will never get a new stadium. At best, someone will blow up the Coliseum and never rebuild it. You’ll be homeless. Exactly how many stupid decisions does a team need to make before their decision-making rights are revoked?

Apparently, Ryan Braun was in Midtown last night. Lisa was also in Midtown last night. She could’ve banged a professional baseball player. Then we would’ve blogged about it so that you could’ve shared in the magic of their night. God, how the fates toy with our emotions. ANYWAY, Braun was in town receiving his NL MVP Award. During his acceptance speech, Braun spoke briefly of the situation regarding the positive results of his drug test. Of course, he denied ever doing steroids (But really, are you going to admit to taking steroids while accepting an award congratulating you for your performance?) and spoke a lot of crap about character and being humbled by this experience and all that mumbo jumbo. Listen, we’re not trying to take away from his eloquent speech here, but let’s face it. We don’t really care. What we care about is the fact that he was in Midtown and Lisa did not hit that sh*t when it counted. Steroids or not. Feel free to Google his acceptance speech though. It’s quite intelligent sounding, which says a lot considering that he is a professional athlete and a power hitter to boot. Power hitters are usually dumb as dirt. Just look at Alex Rodriguez. Good-looking and talented, sure. But he shouldn’t talk anymore. He should remain seen and not heard.

Cyndi Lauper is singing our song: “The phone rings in the middle of the night. It’s a major league baseball team begging us to make things right. Oh, MLB, you know we’re still #1. The TBB just want to arbitrate. Oh, the TBB just want to arbitrate.”

Twins at Yankees 4-4-11

So a bit of perplexing results came from last week’s blog. Before we report them to you, let us first ask you this: have any of you actually SEEN Major League? The reason we ask this is because of 8 votes, 3 (and the majority) people chose the quote, “Would you please put some pants on? I feel weird having to ask you twice.” That choice was a trick. It’s not from Major League. It’s from The Hangover. Phil says it to Alan in the hotel room when they all wake up in the morning. Yes, it’s a funny line. No, that doesn’t mean you pick it. We specifically asked you what your favorite line from Major League was. We should’ve known better than to give you a trick choice. No one voted for Jake’s “I’m hung over, my knees are killing me and if you’re going to pull this shit, at least you could’ve said you were from the Yankees” or Doyle’s “Heywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair. When this guy sneezes, he looks like a party favor,” which was Lisa’s personal favorite. Only 1 individual chose Doyle’s “…and he walks the bases loaded on 12 straight pitches. How can these guys lay off pitches that close?” This is one of Serena’s favorite scenes in the entire movie. For some reason, 2 people chose Doyle’s (yes, Doyle is responsible for 90% of the movie’s best quotes), “You can’t say goddamn on the air…Don’t worry. Nobody is listening anyway.”Yes, this was amusing, but is it really funnier that the “lay off pitches that close” line? We think not. Lastly, only 2 people voted for Brother’s all-time favorite line and inspiration for last week’s blog post title, “Look at this f*cking guy.”

Now that we’re done making fun of you for making the ra-tarded mistake of choosing a quote from the wrong movie, let us move on to an actual blog. We swear it’s real this week! It’s not about mini giraffes on a treadmill! We actually went to a baseball game this week. First, don’t forget to check out Lisa’s post about Mets’ Opening Day.

We took the train to the game again because it’s way cheaper than driving in and parking in the expensive parking garages. At the stadium, we bumped into several “celebrities.” First, we saw a man dressed in dirty and ragged clothing who looked exactly like Dave Grohl from the Foofighters. In all honesty, it really could’ve been Dave Grohl because if memory serves us (and it often doesn’t), we believe he dressed that way back in the day when he was Nirvana’s drummer. We rode the escalator with Eric Byrnes, who wore a navy blue Yankees hat. At least we think it was Eric Byrnes. He sure did look like Byrnesie. In our section, we spotted a redheaded man with a Magnum PI moustache who looked exactly like Jeff Foxworthy. Finally, on the jumbotron, we spotted a woman who we swear looked like P!nk drinking a beer. Anyone know if P!nk is a baseball fan? And if she drinks beer while pregnant? Cos’ then it really might’ve been P!nk.

We got to the stadium around 6:10, so we figured we’d try to visit Monument Park again. Needless to say, it was yet another TBB Fail.

Saturated with disappointment, we chose to instead do what we do best: eat. Continuing with last season’s goal of trying new things at the New York ballparks, we paid a visit to the Johnny Rockets stand located in the field level section between home plate and first base. Serena ordered a cheeseburger and large fries because she apparently felt like she “was starving.” The large fries are served in an enormous cardboard cup. The whole meal cost her $17.50, but let us assure you that there was really no reason for her to order the mammoth-sized fry cup. It was entirely too much food, but since Serena paid nearly $20 for the meal, she forced herself to eat every last morsel…and then felt sick. Lisa ordered the chicken fingers/fries meal for $10.50.

Just a heads up to anyone who is picky about condiments, the burger came with Russian dressing on it. Serena almost threw up a little bit in her mouth, but she wiped that sh*t right off and then doused the burger with a sh*t ton of ketchup. Lisa received pretty delicious BBQ sauce with her chicken fingers, but at the condiments’ stand, we discovered something extremely delightful. The Yankees offer HOT SAUCE as a ketchup alternative! Mother f*cking hot sauce! Do you have any idea how great that is?! The only thing better would be if the Yankees offered sriracha sauce. Needless to say, Lisa used the hot sauce on everything.

Also worthy of noting, we saw a few people walking around with buckets of glory. For $20, you can receive a bucket of fries and sliders or chicken tenders. It supposedly feeds a family, but we’re pretty sure that we can eat all of that by ourselves.

After stuffing our faces, Lisa rolled Serena’s fat ass up a few ramps (it’s always good to get some cardio in) to the upper deck where our seats were located. Before reaching our destination, we bumped into our ex-boyfriend.

Our matchup for the evening would be the Twins’ Scott Baker and the Yankees Ivan Nova. Who? Yeah, we have no idea who he is either.

Oh, we nearly forgot! We got free giveaways! You like?

We also got free t-shirts by giving false information to the H&R block table outside Gate 4. It’s Lisa’s first free Yankees t-shirt. Though we can’t quite figure out what “I square (maybe the square really means “block?”) the New York Yankees” means.

Right from the start, Serena’s fantasy baseball team, Tigers Love Pepper, earned major points thanks to her Yankees players. In the 1st, Alex Rodriguez hit a 2-run home run, while in the 2nd, Jorge Posada hit another 2-run home run that scored Nick Swisher. Guess who on the ball field did absolutely nothing for Tigers Love Pepper that night? Joe Mauer. He did not “well-play” anything that night. That f*cker.

The good news is that Serena was reunited with her future husband, Justin Morneau…even if it was from a slight distance.

Strangely enough, in the 6th inning, Serena needed a snack. One would think that after the large meal she ate before the game started that she wouldn’t need to eat for several days, but no. She got hungry. She might have a tapeworm. She picked up a hot pretzel from a nearby stand. However, just like on Opening Day, by the time she returned to our seats, the pretzel was cold. Fail. Again.

The game went by rather quickly. After the Yankees scored 4 runs in the 1st and 2nd, the Yankees’ offense was relatively quiet. The Twins made a few mock attempts at rallying without success.

Since this would be our last Yankees game of the season (the rest of the year being dedicate to our travels to other teams’ stadiums), we forced ourselves to eat a sausage sandwich. Actually, let’s be serious. It’s not like we “forced” ourselves to eat the sandwich. We were perfectly happy to pay $8 to gorge ourselves on spicy Italian meat, bread, onions, and green peppers. We ate while watching the rest of the inning standing at a nearby buffet table.

With the score 4-3 in favor of the Yankees, Mariano Rivera entered in the 9th to close things out, which he did without any heart-palpitating incidents.

We made it onto the D train easily, barely having to wait in the station. Unfortunately, when we got off at the 7th Avenue station to transfer to the E, we discovered that the E train temporarily wouldn’t be running on that track for maintenance reasons. Thankfully, we knew where the nearest F train station was (and by nearest, we mean four blocks over and two blocks down), so we just walked over (look at us exercising!). Just a slight detour. No biggie.

Only a few baseball notes this week:
As many of you probably heard by now, Manny Ramirez has officially retired from baseball…because he didn’t feel like serving his 100-day suspension for testing positive for steroids…again. Wow, Manny. You never cease to amaze us. You’re truly a special breed of animal. Congratulations. A$$ clown.

Has anyone seen the Head & Shoulders commercial where Joe Mauer makes fun of Troy Polamalu? It’s hilarious. By the way, we just Googled. It appears that Troy Polamalu is Greek Orthodox. In case you were interested…

We’re watching Sunday night baseball and prior to the game, an ESPN interviewer spoke to Clay Buchholz. We don’t like spreading rumors, but we strongly feel that he is malnourished. He might be anorexic. Someone should call a medical professional. It could be an emergency.

We’re happy to report that tonight’s blog only took us three hours as opposed to last week’s ridiculous marathon. We think we might be getting better at this. More focused…

Ooooh, JD Drew just hit a single. Serena picked him up for Tigers Love Pepper yesterday! Score!

The TBB’s 2011 Wish List

We hope that you felt stimulated and enlightened by our extensive research into the correlation between facial hair and World Series Championships. Since we presented you with all of the evidence that we could find, we wanted to know your thoughts on the matter. Do you think that naked lips can win championships? The response was perplexing. Of the 6 votes, 5 of you said, “Maybe. Though I’ve gotta be honest with you. I’ve been wearing a Mexican mustache from Party City for at least 2 weeks now and I’ve won nothing.” These results fascinate us to no end. For starters, a “maybe” doesn’t really tell us if we’re effective manipulators or whether we have a sound case or not. Second of all, how have you been able to keep these fake mustaches stuck to your lips for so long? We could barely get ours to last 15 minutes. What’s the trick? Only 1 individual replied, “No, we love creepy mustaches. The more the merrier.” That is a definite agreement with the case that we’ve built here. No one said yes, citing “Do you see any Yankees players walking around with creepy facial hair?”

Moving onto more stimulating matters. We’ve compiled a list of things we’d like to see happen in 2011. Sort of like an Amazon wish list, which is always great fun. The only difference is that unlike an Amazon wish list, there’s a very good chance that all of our requests will either be ignored or denied. Oh, wait. It’s exactly like an Amazon wish list.

1. Andy Pettitte comes out of retirement in time for Opening Day like Bruce Willis in Red…which pretty much translates to “like a bad ass.”
2. Serena’s ass does not remain big enough to raise the Titanic. Bet you those travelers wish Serena had been around when the boat struck the iceberg. She could’ve saved the lives of thousands.
3. Lisa scores a light up pen as a free giveaway…from any team really. She’s not picky. It could be from any of the stadiums we plan on visiting this year.
4. Several players disappear Jimmy Hoffa-style: Carlos Beltran, Manny Ramirez, Johnny Damon, Josh Beckett, Jonathan Papelbon, Jimmy Rollins, Andruw Jones, Chipper Jones (hm…seems like we have a strong aversion to anyone with the last name, ‘Jones’), and Oliver Perez.
5. TOWSNBN agrees to have his picture taken with Lisa (FINALLY), takes her on a date, and buys Serena shoes, a great white shark (a real one, not a BS toy or “adopted” one, to call her very own. She wants a tracking device planted on its dorsal fin so that she can check up on it routinely…okay, basically spend all day staring at its progression on a computer screen), and fun dinosaur t-shirts that make her laugh.
6. Roger Clemens sucks it up and just ADMITS that he took steroids.
7. Get our pictures taken with the mascots during our upcoming stadium tours without having to chase them down like creepy furry stalkers OR having to pay a retarded amount of money for them to visit us in our seats.
8. Our own television show that we can use as a platform to educate the MLB fans of America (and the five of you in Canada) on proper attire to be worn at games, facial hair etiquette (this applies to the athletes as well), and other important matters. For example: “Running out a groundball and what it means to your team.”
9. One of the following men will leave their wife for Serena: Chris Cornell, Justin Morneau, Mike Jacobs, or Jeff Francoeur.
10. We become DJ’s at Citi Field so that we can quality control all music that’s played when the athletes come to the plate so that we can avoid another Jeff Francoeur incident. Have no idea what we’re talking about? Read Serena’s letter to the Mets and recall how suddenly Francoeur became a Ranger. Coincidence? We think not!
11. All of Lisa’s stalking efforts is transitioned from TOWSNBN (who never really appreciated her enthusiasm anyway) to Joey Votto. She likes red better than orange anyway.
12. The TBB get to ride one of the floats in the World Series parade. Since it will most likely not be a parade celebrating the Mets and Yankees, we’ll be more than happy to take part in any parade…unless the Red Sox or Phillies win.
13. The books that Serena has written are published and featured in book clubs nationwide…with the exception of Oprah’s because she is evil.
14. We magically earn so much money that we’re able to create our own baseball team in Hawaii. They’ll be known as the Hawaiian Sharks.

The Rays officially introduced those jack wagons, Johnny Damon and Manny Ramirez at a press conference on Tuesday. Both players were signed to a 1-year deal. This is such a mind-f*ck of a decision. What a young, energetic, and underpaid team like the Rays needs with two elderly high-priced pieces of garbage is beyond us. PLUS, Manny is lazy and smelly! What the hell??
 
Rangers pitcher CJ Wilson spent the month in South Africa conducting the vacation that Serena’s been daydreaming of since the moment she saw Air Jaws televised on Shark Week (it should be noted that as of August 2010, Shark Week is up to Air Jaws III). While in South Africa, Wilson hunted for small sand sharks (which Serena finds offensive), enjoyed a 2 ½ day safari, during which he saw lions, rhinos, hippos, and elephants, and conducted two baseball clinics—one for 250 kids and the other for 72 elite South African baseball players, 8 of which were from the most recent World Baseball Classic team. What he DIDN’T do was go great white shark watching and while Serena has absolutely no desire to conduct a baseball clinic when she visits South Africa, she will not miss the opportunity to go great white shark watching because that shit is MAJOR.

As everyone has probably heard by now, Andy Pettitte “officially” announces his retirement today. We’d be pretty naïve if we thought he wasn’t going to retire, but still the news comes as a devastating blow. We’re not going to discuss it further because like a good ostrich, Serena has chosen to look the other way and pretend like it’s not happening. If she doesn’t see it, it’s not there. Mr. Pettitte, we will miss you and your stare down over the top of your mitt.

Before we leave you, we must do a little Fred K’s Cancer promoting. We’ve finally incorporated as a charity in New York State and have been issued an EIN, which allows us to open a bank account under Fred K’s Cancer, Inc. Very exciting stuff. We’ve starting blow up people’s inboxes and mailboxes with Fred K’s Cancer Save the Date flyers (email us if you’d like to join the Fred K’s Cancer mailing list. Include your email and/or mailing address) and Serena has begun the paperwork necessary to file for non-profit status. Do you have any idea how many pages the non-profit application is? It’s obscene. Therefore, Serena gets super hero honors this week. She deserves it. We don’t want to hear any complaining about it.

Closing out today’s blog old school-style with New Kids on the Block. “Step by step. Ohhh, baseball. Gonna be here soon. Step by step. Ohhh, baseball. Really want you to start right now. Step one: baseball is lots of fun. Step two: so many games to go to. Step three: it’s for Lisa and Serena to see. Step four: we hope the New York teams give us more! Step five: don’t you know the time has arrived?”

PS- We miss our little furry friends, Dancer, Rex, and Spanky. May they all frolic in Pup Pup Heaven with as many squeaky toys and doggy bones as they can handle.

Coming Soon: Baseball 2011

So then, little TBB ducklings, do you feel educated about baseball game fashion? After presenting you with what we feel is a sound case against fashion criminals, we asked if you agreed with our assessment. 5 of you totally support us and are super glad that us lovely ladies (your words, not ours) took the time to explain the situation to you. In fact, those faux pas fans are hairy a-holes. Sadly, 1 individual is confused. Sir or Madam, please email us so that we can explain it in more detail to you…if that’s even possible.

It’s an exciting time for baseball fans! Spring training is nearly upon us! Pitchers and catchers begin reporting on February 14th…gag us with a chocolate heart. Full squad workouts start on the 19th and by 23rd, all players will have reported for duty. The Yankees’ staff and roster in particular will report on the 15th and 20th, while the Mets report on the 17th and 21st.

Andy Pettitte Watch 2011 still continues. Wow…we suppose that things really are more slow-paced than New York down in Texas. Will you make a friggin’ decision already? We love you, but we can’t take it anymore! It’s like a bad horror film starring Neve Campbell.

The big news in the MLB this week is that Trevor Hoffman has officially announced his retirement at the age of 43. He leaves the game as the all-time saves leader with 601 over the course of 18 seasons (552 of these saves coming with the Padres). Since Mariano Rivera has the mind of a 22-year old who may never retire, this opens the door for him to surpass Hoffman’s feat. Okay, Trevor. You can be TBB Super Hero of the Week if you want to. You’ve talked us into it.

Josh Hamilton was hospitalized on Monday after being diagnosed with an early case of pneumonia. He was treated at a local hospital and fortunately, should be able to resume conditioning and baseball-related activities within the next several days.

RHP Kris Benson told FOXsports.com that he’s “done” after playing 9 seasons. He felt that his history of elbow and shoulder injuries have prevented him from being at his best saying, “I’ve been putting way too much into it and not getting enough out of it, as far as rehab, working out, training, and then not getting the type of results I expect from myself.” Benson pitched for the Mets during the 2004-2005 seasons, at one time pitching 70 consecutive innings without surrendering a home run. In September 2004, Benson won the Mets Best Pitcher Award (which we’re pretty sure is a made up accomplishment) with an ERA 2.25. He left the Mets at the end of the 2005 season for Baltimore with a 4.32 ERA for the two seasons, including 242.1 innings pitched with 146 strikeouts and having given up 236 hits, 123 runs, and 32 home runs. Additionally, he was a beautiful man and will be missed.

Poetic justice seems to be prevailing here. Scott Boras’ biggest names are still unemployed: Andruw Jones, Manny Ramirez, and Johnny Damon. Of the three players named here, the only one who may be of some use in a DH role is Johnny Damon (and yes, it pains Serena to admit this). Since he’s a waste of sperm in the outfield, this basically only leaves the American League as an option for Damon and DH spots are few and far between these days. As for the other two, they’ve outlived their “use” several seasons ago. The Braves and Red Sox were right to ditch them when they did. Not that this should matter to these NTAC’s. They’ll still be able to retire rich.

Tune in next week for our in-depth analysis of the Wright Stache: Do naked lips really prevent championships? We go behind the scenes (since we’re clearly experts on facial hair as shown here).

Things We Learned in France

Bonjour, fellow sports fans! We’re finally back in the bright Etats Unis and while we enjoyed ourselves abroad, we’re happy to be home. You’ve been without a blog from us for two straight weeks, so our poll specifically asked if you’d miss us while we were away. Somehow in two weeks, there were only 8 respondents, but we’ll let that one go. What we can’t let go is that 1 person actually voted, “Uh…how do I say this in the nicest way possible? No.” Do we even have to say what you are? Do we? Thankfully, 5 people genuinely like us and wait with bated breath for every Friday post. 2 people, in typical TBB fan fashion, agreed that they’d miss us, but only if we brought them back a beret. While we can appreciate the fact that you need to be bribed in order to miss us, you must insane if you think that we’re encouraging this behavior by buying you presents. Especially a 9 euro beret. That’s like $12 for a stupid-looking hat. A stupid-looking hat that we only saw tourists wearing in Paris. Get lost. We released a great sigh of relief at the fact that no one voted for us losing our passports because it would be “hilarious.” You know what? That wouldn’t be hilarious. That would be f-ed up and terrifying. Haven’t you seen Brokedown Palace? Granted, Kate Beckinsale and Claire Danes didn’t lose their passports, but they still ended up in a creepy foreign prison for an inordinate amount of time. Plus, we gotta be honest with you. We don’t know anyone who’d be willing to bail us out.  

       

So we missed almost all of the Division Series and you may think that we have nothing stimulating to tell you this week, but you’re wrong. We must say that we learned quite a lot while in France and we feel the need to impart this information on to you so that you can become more cultured and intelligent individuals. 

1.     Roy Halladay pitched a no hitter. Wow. You must be shocked that we’d been able to find this out while in France, a country notorious for hating everything American (turns out, this rumor is actually true), but we got this tid bit from the scrolling marquee of CNN. Major props to Roy in his playoff debut and to CNN for being the mother load of news and information.

2. Timmmmmmmmmmmy threw 14 strikeouts in the Giants 1-0 shutout of Derek Lowe and the Braves. How did we find this one out? At a very congested internet spot located in the lobby of our hotel in lovely Bayeux.

3. AJ Burnett did not make the ALDS pitching rotation. This was learned at an Internet Café in Rouen, in which we had to pay 2 euros for 20 minutes of internet surfing. We cheered (even though Auntiedukes admitted that AJ “had been her boy.” Ours too, Auntie. Ours too). The locals surrounding us were confused.

4. While they’d eventually succumb to the Rangers, it turned out that the Rays have a lot of fight in them (as if anyone had doubt), overcoming a 2 game deficit to force the series to Game 5.

5. You may be told before visiting Paris that the subway system is so easy that Manny Ramirez could figure it out. It’s true that the maps are very easy to read and understand, but the kiosks selling metro passes are NOT. For starters, Paris appears to be in the Stone Ages when it comes to kiosk technology. Majority of the kiosks are not touch screen. They LOOK like they’re touch screen, but we assure you that they’re not. Press the screen all you want. Nothing happens. We know this because Serena tried to use the “touch screen” repeatedly until an annoyed Parisian pushed her out of the way in order to demonstrate how to use the machine. In fact, not only are they not touch screen, they have a retarded, non-descript black wheel for scrolling through menus and the buttons are on the side of the screen. Paris, if you migrate to touch screens, you can do away with the stupid wheel AND buttons. Way more efficient. Think about it. Also, we’re not go into about why we feel this way, but the RER is asinine. Trust us. We know from experience.

6. When traveling on an evening Seine River Cruise, you might feel the urge to rub your girlfriend’s ass and then finger it, but you refrain because you’re in public and you’re scared that behavior like that is inappropriate. You’d be mistaken. Rest assured that this behavior is not only appropriate, it’s also encouraged. Take the couple we witnessed during our cruise. There was no shame or attempt to hide the fingering. Lingering was involved while we, instead of watching the beautifully lit scenery passing us by, gawked at the butt-play unfolding before us.

7. Auntiedukes is an awesome good time and full of clever quips that deserve quoting such as, “Would you say,” “Do I turn here? I think we do. I’m turning,” and “I know where we are. Marie Antoinette’s Estate (never mind the fact that the entire area was Marie Antoinette’s Estate).” You should really consider taking her on vacation with you. You’ll enjoy her.

8. Traffic circles. If you don’t know where to turn, the best course of action is to continue driving around the traffic circle until you can come to a decision. Choose poorly and you end up 45 minutes out of your way because there’s no easy way to turn around.

9. Traffic in Paris may be slightly worst than Los Angeles. We can’t commit to this because it would require more careful research, but based on what we’ve experienced while visiting Erin and The Favorite in Los Angeles and our journey from Mont St. Michel into Paris, we think that Paris takes the cake here. Going forward, whenever we’re sitting in rush hour and are about to drive our cars into a concrete divider out of frustration, we’ll recall our time in Paris and realize that it’s not so bad.

10. Don’t bitch about gas prices. It cost Auntiedukes 60 euros to fill up a car smaller than the Ford Focus. That’s approximately $80 to fill up a 15 gallon gas tank.

11. Parisians really are as rude as the stereotypes imply.

12. Omar Minaya and Jerry Manuel were fired. Mama L. informed us of this when Lisa made one of her check-in phone calls to the parentals in order to notify them that we hadn’t seen any terrorists yet.

13. The French get pissed off when the government raises their retirement age from 60 to 62. Are you friggin’ kidding? Americans retire when they’re dead. Just one reason why France had to be bailed out in both World Wars. The French don’t work.

14. Lisa pronounces “Merci” like “Messy.”

15. The Yankees shockingly swept the Twins. We say shockingly because we really felt that the Twins would put up a fight. How did we learn this? Good ole’ CNN again.

The Championship series is upon us and since we’re back in this country, we’ll actually be able to watch the games! We hope that these games are just as good as the ones we tragically missed. So far the pitching matchups look to be as follows:

Friday
CJ Wilson/CC Sabathia (8 pm/TBS)

Saturday
Colby Lewis/Phil Hughes (4:00 pm/TBS)
Roy Halladay/Tim Lincecum (7:30 pm/FOX)

Sunday
Roy Oswalt/Jonathan Sanchez (8 pm/FOX)

Monday
Andy Pettitte/Cliff Lee (8 pm/TBS)

Tuesday
Matt Cain/Cole Hamels (4 pm/FOX)
AJ Burnett/Tommy Hunter (8 pm/TBS)

Wednesday
TBD/TBD (4 pm/TBS)
Madison Bumgarner/Joe Blanton (7:30 pm/FOX)

Neil Diamond closes us out with, “Got a dream that the Yankees will win. The Tbb is back in America. Got a dream we want to share. The TBB is back in America.”

Athletics @ Yankees 8-31-10

Last week, Lou Piniella retired from baseball earlier than expected due to his mother’s deteriorating health. Because of this, we asked if your day to day was impacted by his departure. Of 8 total votes (much better than last week, by the way. Nice job, guys), 5 people voted for, “The Cubs still suck.” Wow. That’s amazing. Apparently our readers are as bitter as we are. Right on. 1 person voted for “When did he leave? How did I miss that one?” We don’t know how you missed this one. Are you unfamiliar with the concept of Sports Center? The remaining 2 votes went to “tragic stuff,” which brings us to our next question. How many of you noticed that we quoted the character, Lou from Major League II? Be truthful. Thankfully, no one voted for the choice, “Who?” We would’ve found you and shanked you had you voted for that.

We took the subway out of Forest Hills into the city in order to get to the Yankees game. We learned our lesson from last time and avoided using the LIRR, actually SAVING money. Excitingly, we filmed seeing Yankees Stadium for the first time after emerging from the subway platform because we know how much you’d love it. Don’t pretend like you don’t. We know you better than you think.

Since we got to the stadium by 4:00, we decided to hit up the Hard Rock Café for a drink…or two.

We ended up getting seats beneath Elton John, which was ironically our TBB Super Hero of the Week. We thought it fitting. We also wanted our own Statue of Liberty crown. Where does one get one, do you suppose?

Lisa tried to order 2 bottles of Coors Light. Lou, our waiter, informed us that they didn’t have Coors Light. Serena tried Blue Moon. Nope. None of that. WTF? Do you HAVE beer? Is this a bar? What kind of non-alcoholic establishment is this place? Cos ‘ we don’t DO non-alcoholic. Lou assured us that beer was available. He suggested a variety of light beers as a Coors Light substitute and Shock Top as a Blue Moon alternative. Lisa went with Bud Light and Serena suspiciously agreed to try this so-called Shock Top.

Surprisingly, in case you’re wondering, Shock Top with orange really does taste like Blue Moon. So kudos to Lou for the recommendation. We ordered Spring Rolls with tasty homemade spicy salsa for $9.95. For those of you interested in checking the Hard Rock, the menu prices are not entirely unreasonable. Expect to pay the prices of an Outback-type restaurant.

At 5:00, the gates opened so we headed inside. When walking through the entrance, we noticed large familiar boxes awaiting us. We exchanged looks of shocked delight. How did we NOT know about a free giveaway? Then the death blow was dealt. The delectable blue limited edition Yankee Ty bears were only for that stupid 14 & under crowd! What the hell?! That’s ageist! Pissed off, we went down to field level to annoy the Athletics during batting practice.

In addition to trying to find Craig Breslow and Vin Mazzaro in a sea of green and gold, we experienced the best seats of our life. So…this is how the rich live, we see.

We even to seem to look more attractive in these seats. That’s how spectacular they are.

After the A’s cleared the field and we were thrown out of the section by the Seat Nazi, we walked over to the food court in hopes of interviewing a few Yankees fans enjoying the delicious meals offered by the new-but no longer as new- Yankees Stadium.

Again, when interviewing, we had some audio issues. To be fair, it IS difficult to compete with the Yankees’ PA system when all you have is a flipcam at your disposal. To ease whatever difficulties you may have in hearing what’s being said or asked, the gist of our questions is basically as follows:
*Is this your first time at Yankees Stadium?
*(If yes) What is your favorite food here?
*What are you eating?
*Would you let me try some?

First up is Lisa’s interview with who we’ll refer to as “The Family.” “The Family” consists of Rachel, Adam, and Steven.

Just a few tables over, we met Tracy and Cathy. As you can see, Serena actually ate some of Cathy’s food while Lisa chickened out. Guess what? The French fries from the Johnny Rockets booth are awesome. Since the PA system seemed to be drowning out the conversations with each other, we figured it best not to continue to interview people, so we chose to go to our seats instead. Besides, it was nearly game time.

Our pitching matchup for the evening was Phil Hughes and that smokin’ hot Vin Mazzaro. We understand that he looks like a swollen version of Ernie from Sesame Street in this picture, but we assure you that in person, he is quite molestable.

Immediately following the lineups, the customary Star Spangled Banner was played. Lisa filmed the peaceful homage. Side note: Phil Hughes threw his warm up pitches to Metallica’s “King Nothing.” Please, please, tell us that he picked this song himself because he climbed the ladder of respect in our book with that selection.

Down to business. Mazzaro had a few problems in the first inning. Okay, he had problems in most of the innings he pitched, but the first one was the worst. To lead things off, he put the first 3 batters on base, which could be kind of uncomfortable for A’s fans…or A’s defense, management, etc. At 7:27 pm precisely, Papa L. called Lisa and said, “You should go home now because the Yankees already have bases loaded. They’ll definitely win.”

Robinson Cano hit into a double play, but at least Brett Gardner scored. We’d like to point out that Gardner, like Jeff Francouer, came to the plate to some horrendous sounding music. Brett, look at Jeff now. Have you learned nothing from his example? ANYWAY, back to the game. Jeter scored on an error to the second baseman hit by Nick Swisher. Mark Ellis fielded it cleanly, but lost the ball in the transfer from his glove to his throwing hand. Jorge Posada hit a triple that scored Swisher, however Jeff Larish’s throw from left field beat Posada to third by a mile. The third baseman dropped the ball when applying the tag. The official scoring was ruled an RBI triple, but we feel that it should’ve been an E-5. The inning ended with a 3-0 score.

In the bottom of the 3rd, Swisher hit a 2-run homerun just over the right field wall.

Perplexingly enough, Michael Kay’s dumb face appears on one of the side scoreboards when someone hits a home run. Why? What purpose does he serve? He didn’t hit the home run and he’s not attractive. So what the flying f? Serena was incensed when she took this picture. She likes going to the games because she doesn’t have to see or hear that fool.

In the bottom of the 4th, it became clear that we were present for the next edition of the Home Run Derby. Curtis led off the inning with a solo home run.

Mark Texeira hit a 2-run home run shortly after, making the score 9-2.

FINALLY, Mazzaro was mercifully removed from the game in favor of Boof Bonser.

Phil Hughes was relieved by Chad Gaudin in the bottom of the 5th and we were relieved by Premio sausage sandwiches. Oh, how we longed for the goodness of their taste (FYI: they’re now up to $8)

We decided to eat at one of the little bars that line the concourses so that we could continue to watch the game and not have to carry our packages back to our seats.

Returning to the seats was a bit miserable. There was very little relief to the humidity and sweat pooling between our breasts and beneath our arm pits. Thank god our deodorants smell nice. As you can see in this picture, our makeup had started to melt off by this point.

Thankfully, the rest of the innings went rather quickly and soon, we had the pleasure of seeing Mariano Rivera close out the game.

The final score was 9-3. Here are the winners congratulating themselves on a well-executed offensive slaughter:

Here are the losers taking the walk of shame from the bullpen:

We made sure to take our final picture with the field behind us before leaving:

The air conditioned subway ride home was way easier than leaving a crowded parking garage at the end of a long, hot, tiring evening at the stadium. We recommend it to anyone who can get to a subway train easily. Plus, the $2.50/trip fare is vastly cheaper than $5.50/toll ($11 roundtrip), plus $19 in parking. Just sayin’. Don’t we look happy to be out of the heat?

Baseball notes: The Chicago White Sox claimed Manny Ramirez off a waiver on Monday. The Dodgers are receiving nothing in return, but let’s be real here. The White Sox obviously did the Dodgers a favor because all Ramirez does is take up space in the outfield where a legitimate player could be and actually add defensive value to the team. It is expected that Ramirez will act as a DH for the White Sox, who’ll also be acquiring the rest of his salary, which comes to approximately $4.3 million. The fact that he’s monetarily worth that amount makes our asses twitch.

In Sunday night’s 5-3 win over the Red Sox, Carl Crawford hit his 100th home run in front of a home crowd. This homerun allowed him to move ahead of Fred McGriff into third on the Rays’ all-time homerun list. He has also become just the 8th player in MLB history to reach 100 homeruns, 100 triples, and 400 stolen bases. However, Crawford doesn’t want to be classified as a power hitter. “Speed is always going to be connected to me…every now and then, I can sneak in one of those (home runs) in,” he’s quoted as saying. We think it’ll be a mistake if the Rays choose to let him go at the end of his contract. His all around athletic prowess qualify him for TBB Super Hero of the Week.

Just when you think that Mets couldn’t be any dumber, on Tuesday, they dealt Jeff Francouer and his terrible music to the Rangers in exchange for infielder Joaquin Arias. Okay, so they had an overabundance of outfielders, but we know of one outfielder on the Mets that would have been great to dump on his ass. Not mentioning any names, but it sounds like Barlos Celtran.

Johan Santana’s injury situation is a bit perplexing. Santana referred to it as a strained left pectoral muscle while pointing to the area where his chest meets his shoulder. However, Jerry Manuel pointed to his bicep when discussing it. Strange. When a team spokesman called it a pectoral strain (as per Santana, mind you), Manuel joked that he’d never been good at anatomy. Oh, boy. Regardless of the confusion, Santana is classified as day-to-day and will travel with the team to Chicago.

Before signing off, we’d like to thank our interviewees for taking time out of their feeding to agree to speak with us and allow us to post them to our blog. They were wonderful sports about it. Especially Cathy, who allowed Serena to eat her fries.

"The TBB on fire. The Yankees on fire.We both feeling hot, hot, hot. Yankees fans all around us feeling hot, hot, hot. What to do on a night like this? We are sweating. We can't resist. We need a nice cold drink. So we go rum bum, bum, bum. Yeah, we go rum, bum, bum, bum. Feeling hot, hot, hot."

What the Hell?

I'm sorry for sounding a bit grouchier than usual, but please explain to me what the hell is wrong in Dodger Country? On Friday night, Manny Ramirez returned to the Dodgers at Petco Park in San Diego. This was inevitable. He served out his punishment and we all knew that eventually, he would return to the"office." However, why were the thousands of Dodgers fans in attendance cheering for him as if he was Def Leppard stepping onto the field for an impromptu reunion show (please note that this is something I'd completely embrace, teased hair and all)? I mean, we're cheering for cheaters now? Is this what the Steroid Era is teaching us? To become accustomed to this behavior so that we're not appalled when a player is caught doing it? If I got caught stealing a computer and as punishment, was forced to serve a suspension instead of being fired, I sincerely doubt my co-workers would applaud my return. In fact, I'd bet that most of them would be pretty peeved that I had been given a second chance. I'd applaud my return. I'd be so grateful to my boss that I'd send him flowers and assorted food items every single day just to show him how much his generosity meant to me. That being said, I repeat, other than myself, I sincerely doubt anyone else would be pleased with his generosity.

Don't misunderstand. I am not saying that people do not deserve second chances (unless you're Michael Vick, puppy killer, then you can just go straight to hell). What I am saying is that if a person screws up, they shouldn't be celebrated. Why is it acceptable for Manny when it wasn't for Alex Rodriguez, Jason Giambi, Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, etc? I am not saying any of these men don't deserve the criticism that they've received. They screwed up. They cheated. They lied to us. A few continue to lie to us. What I don't get is why Manny is being cheered for when the public ripped these other men a new one? You better believe that Alex Rodriguez did not return to the field after being outed as a conquering hero. To use a less severe example, when Johnny Damon returned to Boston the first time after signing with the Yankees, many Red Sox fans threw change at him. Is this a bit childish? Yes, but they had every right to react. He betrayed them for some extra change in his pocket. He showed absolutely no loyalty to the fans who put him on his pedestal. The point is, despite being a long time and successful Red Sox player, the Red Sox fans found it hard to forgive his decision to sign with the enemy. All Damon did was sign with a different team and he got hell. In fact, I continue to give him hell every chance I get, but unfortunately, my seats are never close enough to the field that he can hear me. The surrounding fans in my section, I'm sure, find my insults quite charming.

Another non-steroids related example is Barry Zito (I know...I can't have one stupid blog without mentioning the man. It's a problem). He signed a ridiculous contract with San Francisco. Besides the fact that they gave him a 7-year contract (in my opinion, this is a completely bonehead offer to make to a pitcher, above all positions), they sign him for a crazy amount of money. If I am not mistaken, I believe that his contract had set the record for most expensive contract signed by a pitcher. I also believe that this record has since been broken. The man has been inconsistent, to say the least, since signing with the Giants. He hasn't cheated, yet his name has been dragged through the mud everywhere from fans to the media. All he's done is become a very expensive fifth starter that could potentially pitch you a gem or a horror show. Does that really warrant the nasty jabs he's been getting? Personally, yeah, I do think that a little ribbing is in order and I am more than willing to give it. I've been in love with his curve ball since before the Cy Young Award. I am entitled to be disappointed in his recent performances. Cry me a river, you overpaid jock. I have no sympathy. Then again, I am not a person who applauded when I found out that Alex Rodriguez, Andy Pettite, and Jason Giambi had all tested positive for steroids. As a Yankees fan, I was ashamed. Not so much with Jason Giambi, but definitely with Rodriguez and Pettite. The revelation that Andy tested positive actually broke my heart. Andy? Andy Pettite?! It was completely devastating! Why don't you tell me that Bernie Williams has tested positive for steroids and just send me to my grave? Alex didn't break my heart, but the overwhelming sense of disappointment that had taken over my being was enough. I always thought that if there is one player in this league that didn't use performing-enhancing drugs, it was him. Call him what you will, he is one of the most athletic and overall players in the game and now his legacy will be forever tarnished. There is nothing he will be able to do with his career that will erase the black mark attached to him.

Which brings me back to Manny Ramirez. What are these Dodgers fans teaching players like Manny when they greet his return with this overwhelming display of warmth? I feel that they are telling players that it's okay to cheat. We'll still love you. You'll still get that enormous contract. We'll still buy your jerseys. Don't worry. You can do no wrong. This is half the problem with these professional baseball players. They are too coddled! Gone are the days of real men like Thurman Munson and Carlton Fisk playing the game. These players get away with the most ridiculous things and we love them for it. We applaud them for it. It has to stop. It's okay to forgive, but it's not okay to forget. You don't want people to boo you for messing up, but people certainly shouldn't celebrate your mistakes either. The same should apply to the athletes.

I propose that what these baseball players need is one afternoon on a football field with Brandon Jacobs, Ben Roethlisberger, Troy Polamalu, Brian Urlacher, and Ray Lewis. Come to think of it, throw them onto a rink with Chris Simon, former left wing for the New York Islanders and Rangers. Now that's one crazy SOB who will certainly give these pretty boy baseball players a reality check. : )

At least no one can call me a hypocrite. I am critical across the board no matter who you are and what team you play for.

-Serena