Friday, February 4, 2011

The TBB’s 2011 Wish List

We hope that you felt stimulated and enlightened by our extensive research into the correlation between facial hair and World Series Championships. Since we presented you with all of the evidence that we could find, we wanted to know your thoughts on the matter. Do you think that naked lips can win championships? The response was perplexing. Of the 6 votes, 5 of you said, “Maybe. Though I’ve gotta be honest with you. I’ve been wearing a Mexican mustache from Party City for at least 2 weeks now and I’ve won nothing.” These results fascinate us to no end. For starters, a “maybe” doesn’t really tell us if we’re effective manipulators or whether we have a sound case or not. Second of all, how have you been able to keep these fake mustaches stuck to your lips for so long? We could barely get ours to last 15 minutes. What’s the trick? Only 1 individual replied, “No, we love creepy mustaches. The more the merrier.” That is a definite agreement with the case that we’ve built here. No one said yes, citing “Do you see any Yankees players walking around with creepy facial hair?”

Moving onto more stimulating matters. We’ve compiled a list of things we’d like to see happen in 2011. Sort of like an Amazon wish list, which is always great fun. The only difference is that unlike an Amazon wish list, there’s a very good chance that all of our requests will either be ignored or denied. Oh, wait. It’s exactly like an Amazon wish list.

1. Andy Pettitte comes out of retirement in time for Opening Day like Bruce Willis in Red…which pretty much translates to “like a bad ass.”
2. Serena’s ass does not remain big enough to raise the Titanic. Bet you those travelers wish Serena had been around when the boat struck the iceberg. She could’ve saved the lives of thousands.
3. Lisa scores a light up pen as a free giveaway…from any team really. She’s not picky. It could be from any of the stadiums we plan on visiting this year.
4. Several players disappear Jimmy Hoffa-style: Carlos Beltran, Manny Ramirez, Johnny Damon, Josh Beckett, Jonathan Papelbon, Jimmy Rollins, Andruw Jones, Chipper Jones (hm…seems like we have a strong aversion to anyone with the last name, ‘Jones’), and Oliver Perez.
5. TOWSNBN agrees to have his picture taken with Lisa (FINALLY), takes her on a date, and buys Serena shoes, a great white shark (a real one, not a BS toy or “adopted” one, to call her very own. She wants a tracking device planted on its dorsal fin so that she can check up on it routinely…okay, basically spend all day staring at its progression on a computer screen), and fun dinosaur t-shirts that make her laugh.
6. Roger Clemens sucks it up and just ADMITS that he took steroids.
7. Get our pictures taken with the mascots during our upcoming stadium tours without having to chase them down like creepy furry stalkers OR having to pay a retarded amount of money for them to visit us in our seats.
8. Our own television show that we can use as a platform to educate the MLB fans of America (and the five of you in Canada) on proper attire to be worn at games, facial hair etiquette (this applies to the athletes as well), and other important matters. For example: “Running out a groundball and what it means to your team.”
9. One of the following men will leave their wife for Serena: Chris Cornell, Justin Morneau, Mike Jacobs, or Jeff Francoeur.
10. We become DJ’s at Citi Field so that we can quality control all music that’s played when the athletes come to the plate so that we can avoid another Jeff Francoeur incident. Have no idea what we’re talking about? Read Serena’s letter to the Mets and recall how suddenly Francoeur became a Ranger. Coincidence? We think not!
11. All of Lisa’s stalking efforts is transitioned from TOWSNBN (who never really appreciated her enthusiasm anyway) to Joey Votto. She likes red better than orange anyway.
12. The TBB get to ride one of the floats in the World Series parade. Since it will most likely not be a parade celebrating the Mets and Yankees, we’ll be more than happy to take part in any parade…unless the Red Sox or Phillies win.
13. The books that Serena has written are published and featured in book clubs nationwide…with the exception of Oprah’s because she is evil.
14. We magically earn so much money that we’re able to create our own baseball team in Hawaii. They’ll be known as the Hawaiian Sharks.

The Rays officially introduced those jack wagons, Johnny Damon and Manny Ramirez at a press conference on Tuesday. Both players were signed to a 1-year deal. This is such a mind-f*ck of a decision. What a young, energetic, and underpaid team like the Rays needs with two elderly high-priced pieces of garbage is beyond us. PLUS, Manny is lazy and smelly! What the hell??
Rangers pitcher CJ Wilson spent the month in South Africa conducting the vacation that Serena’s been daydreaming of since the moment she saw Air Jaws televised on Shark Week (it should be noted that as of August 2010, Shark Week is up to Air Jaws III). While in South Africa, Wilson hunted for small sand sharks (which Serena finds offensive), enjoyed a 2 ½ day safari, during which he saw lions, rhinos, hippos, and elephants, and conducted two baseball clinics—one for 250 kids and the other for 72 elite South African baseball players, 8 of which were from the most recent World Baseball Classic team. What he DIDN’T do was go great white shark watching and while Serena has absolutely no desire to conduct a baseball clinic when she visits South Africa, she will not miss the opportunity to go great white shark watching because that shit is MAJOR.

As everyone has probably heard by now, Andy Pettitte “officially” announces his retirement today. We’d be pretty naïve if we thought he wasn’t going to retire, but still the news comes as a devastating blow. We’re not going to discuss it further because like a good ostrich, Serena has chosen to look the other way and pretend like it’s not happening. If she doesn’t see it, it’s not there. Mr. Pettitte, we will miss you and your stare down over the top of your mitt.

Before we leave you, we must do a little Fred K’s Cancer promoting. We’ve finally incorporated as a charity in New York State and have been issued an EIN, which allows us to open a bank account under Fred K’s Cancer, Inc. Very exciting stuff. We’ve starting blow up people’s inboxes and mailboxes with Fred K’s Cancer Save the Date flyers (email us if you’d like to join the Fred K’s Cancer mailing list. Include your email and/or mailing address) and Serena has begun the paperwork necessary to file for non-profit status. Do you have any idea how many pages the non-profit application is? It’s obscene. Therefore, Serena gets super hero honors this week. She deserves it. We don’t want to hear any complaining about it.

Closing out today’s blog old school-style with New Kids on the Block. “Step by step. Ohhh, baseball. Gonna be here soon. Step by step. Ohhh, baseball. Really want you to start right now. Step one: baseball is lots of fun. Step two: so many games to go to. Step three: it’s for Lisa and Serena to see. Step four: we hope the New York teams give us more! Step five: don’t you know the time has arrived?”

PS- We miss our little furry friends, Dancer, Rex, and Spanky. May they all frolic in Pup Pup Heaven with as many squeaky toys and doggy bones as they can handle.

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