As spring training comes to a close, the news becomes less exciting. It’s no longer about who the up and coming fresh faces are or which veterans are looking for one more (or two more) good season(s). It’s now about who will start the season on the DL, who Opening Day pitchers are (CC Sabathia, duh. Like we needed an entire spring training to figure that one out), what teams’ finalized lineups look like, and who you drafted for your fantasy baseball team. Which brings us to today’s nonsense. Yes, another blog post in which we discuss Tigers Love Pepper. You know you love it. The good news, folks, is that Lisa took a puff off the pipe too. She’s now a fantasy-addicted a-hole. Her team name is The Asstastic Bunch (Couple’s Retreat, anyone?). Even better is that in our league’s first round, Tigers Love Pepper (team image is Alan,Stu, and Phil standing in the elevator after waking up following a night ofdebauchery. Alan is carrying Carlos) is playing The Asstastic Bunch (no team image as of yet). So far, we’re still friends. Would you like to hear our lineups? And pitching rotations? You’re getting it whether you say yes or no, so you might as well mentally prepare yourself with “yes.” Keep in mind this was an auto-draft. Meaning that we went to sleep Monday night after inhaling wings and woke up with a populated lineup on Tuesday morning.
The Asstastic Bunch’s Lineup:JP Arencibia
Lisa is on the fence about David Ortiz. For starters, she (like everyone else in New York unless you’re a moron who doesn’t know anything about baseball) hates him. Second of all, how much playing time is he really going to get? Third of all, can he still hit? Fourth of all, he’s fat. Fifth of all, he bedazzles everything and it’s just really hard to respect a man who owns a Bedazzler.
Tigers Love Pepper’s Lineup:Joe Mauer
Serena will admit that she did not auto-draft Justin Morneau. She initially had Carl Crawford. While she realizes that she’s taking a risk with Morneau because he’s coming off back and head injuries, he’s been swinging the bat well lately and Crawford’s starting the season on the DL. She’d rather have a player give her the chance to get numbers than have a player who can’t do anything for her. If Morneau does well, it’s a win. If he doesn’t, she’ll drop him for someone else. No big loss.
TAB Pitching:Felix Hernandez
TLP Pitching:Justin Verlander
Mamadukes’ friend, Roberta (owner of Riverdale Rebels…also no team image) managed to draft the entire New York State, including Billy Joel. Something’s up here. We think she bribed Serena’s cousin, Joel, the league commish. Mamdukes drafted Timmy, which is deeply and profoundly upsetting to us because he is an Honorary Traveling Baseball Babe. One of us should’ve gotten him. Mamadukes claims she wanted Verlander and that she’d give up Timmy for Verlander, but that’s just ridiculous. Silly, Mamadukes. Everyone knows that Serena and Verlander are Taco Bell soulmates. They’re MFEO (Made For Each Other).
For the next two weeks, instead of a joint blog, you’ll be getting solo posts. Next week, you’ll have the privilege of reading about Lisa’s Mets Opening Day experience and the following week, you’ll get Serena’s Yankees Opening Day experience. Hope you don’t miss our joint buffoonery too much.