Yankees Opening Day 2021

 April 8, 2021

We hit hardly any traffic and parking was ample when we arrived for opening day at "Yankee Stadium."  When was the last time you heard anyone say that there was hardly any traffic in the Bronx? Never. There'll be an apocalypse before that actually happens. 

New York State has limited sports' venues to 20% capacity. Tickets to both opening days went to season ticket holders first and then it became a "Welcome to the First Annual Hunger Games" type of event in order to get your hands on tickets. As if getting tickets to opening day wasn't hard enough in past years. A quick check on StubHub put standing room only tickets at roughly $1,500/each. We have to emphasize this fact too: this price does not include a seat for your ass to sit in. And that's without taxes and service fees and all that junk. We tried. We really did. We tried and tried and tried to think of something that we loved enough to pay $2,000 for and it turns out, there's nothing. That's more than the cost of our 5-day vacation to San Francisco and Sonoma in June and that's including airfare, accommodations, and a private driver. Unless we're sitting in the dugout during the game and then going home with one of the players to have a slumber party afterwards, $2,000/each for one game is too much. Go to hell. And have a lovely day. 

This is the first opening day that we've missed in over 10 years. Again, why is there no bronze statue dedicated to us somewhere?

So, here we are. Faux-Yankee Stadium. Truthfully, we didn't hate it. Serena made ribs for the first time ever and she f*cking crushed it. She also prepared grass-fed burgers and grass-fed beef hot dogs. There was quite the spread and truthfully, we probably spent less on food and alcohol and we got way more than we typically do out of it. Unfortunately, we tried to eat all of it, but that's a different issue entirely. 

Another bonus was there were no bathroom lines or concession lines to deal with. Which also led to more drinking than usual. 

The view from our seats were unobstructed for the most part and ideal because we could see the field and the Yankees lose from every angle. 

Baby Emma was charming fellow fan. She kept to herself, remained quiet, and required cuddles occasionally, which we were happy to give her because look at her. She's the f*cking cutest. 

Unfortunately, there were a few rowdy fans in the "audience" and we had to put them in their place. 

Anyhoo, the Yankees lost  their home opener as usual. They did it in extra innings, so we're thankful that they wasted more of our time like that. The Mets didn't play because the Nationals decided they wanted to be a pack of COVID babies. 

And so brings us to the end of our baseball pandemic home opening week story. Stay tuned next week for the Mets' home opener. 

Yankees vs. Blue Jays 7-4-17

Again, two games in one week. Like champions. Unfortunately, we had to watch the Yankees play one of our most hated AL opponents - the Toronto Blue Jays. It's not the team we hate so much (though Jose Bautista needs to suck a bag of d*cks), but the fans. We're not saying that all Blue Jays fans are front runners, but let's face it. A huge portion of them are. We've been to their ballpark and despite seeing two games there, failed to witness a single sold out game. The stands were empty. Why? Because they're hockey fans. Yet they have no problem traveling to other people's ballparks and behaving like complete and total a$$ clowns. Explain.

But this is not about the Canadian invasion. This is about the birth of our nation and how patriotic we are.

Major holidays always bring out the jack wagon drivers, so we chose to take the train to the game. It was a lot better than anticipated and we only met one insane person screaming about us all being trapped in a cage and only one person that pooped his pants. Which is a pretty excellent day as far as we're concerned.

Once inside the stadium, we went in search for food. It took us a little while because we simply couldn't decide what to do. We wanted the Frank's Red Hot mac and cheese, but didn't want to keep eating the same thing. We tend to do that. We circled the Frank's Red Hot Terrace a few times before finally settling for the AT&T Sports Lounge. They served beer, had tables, and included a pop up Lobel's stand. Next door is a Mighty Quinn's stand, so we ordered burnt end sandwiches. At the Lobel's stand, we ordered a plate of potato wedge fries topped with steak and gravy. Then we got beer. So, basically we spent a sh*t ton of money on total nonsense.

 The sandwiches were AMAZING. Super tasty.

This was delicious, but it was not the platter we thought we were ordering. We THOUGHT we ordered a plate of french fries topped with steak. We apparently ordered chopped cubes of meat piled on top of potatoes. In the defense of Lobel's, the sign clearly stated what it was when we chose it, but we're idiots.

After eating entirely too much meat, we headed for our seats. It hurts to walk up the stairs because our pants were too tight from all the meat. Our seats were pretty awesome. Great view of the field.

 

 

As you can see, we're very adorable and patriotic.

The downfall? Hot. As. F*ck. No coverage. All sun. No breeze. It was like someone decided to roast us like pigs on a stick at a luau. We smelled like barbecued chicken.

 

Unfortunately, there isn't much to discuss regarding the game except for the a-hole Blue Jays' fans. And there really isn't much to discuss regarding them either except that they were a-holes. Aaron Judge scored the only run for the Yankees with a solo home run. CC Sabathia crapped the bed.

As we walked to Penn from the subway station, we passed a drunk man with puke in his beard.

On the LIRR, we got bored and Lisa played with her Snapchat filters:

 

 

You're welcome.

TBB's First Yankees' Double Header Ends in Failure

Saturday was a day of many firsts for us. It was the first time we rolled into a game (any game) with a posse. First double header at Yankee Stadium. First time attending 3 games in 24 hours. First time hating on Blue Jays fans. Lisa tried Yuengling for the first time (and actually liked it). So we'll start from the beginning.

We'd just come off a Friday that included a drive to and from Baltimore and an Orioles game. We got home Saturday morning at two. We got tickets to this Yankees game for registering early for the Stephen Siller Tunnel to the Towers 5K. Stephanie, Auntiedukes, and Julia are all running with us and therefore, received these tickets as well. Auntiedukes ordered an extra ticket for Uncle Alan, so we already knew that we'd be sitting with a sizable group. Then we found out that our friends, Lindsey and Brian were going, so we agreed to drive in together to save on parking, gas, and tolls. Saturday's game was supposed to take place at 4:05 pm.Then the game was changed to 1:05 pm. Then it became a double header. Bonus.

We arrived a little late at the stadium, so we missed the first home runs by Gardner and Headley.

We parted ways at their section and met the rest of the crew at our seats.

 

The game started promising. We were with good people. The Yanks were winning. Serena received word that Meryl's brother (and by extension, Serena's adopted brother) and mother were in the house, so Serena headed off to grab a drink at the Sunrun Rooftop Deck.

While Serena caught up with David and Mama Landau, Lisa attempted to buy her own beer from a wandering gypsy vendor. It did not end well for her. The vendor carried Bronx Brewery Pale Ale, which Lisa had never tried before, but she figured, "why not?" She knew something terrible was afoot when, in lieu of a cup of beer, Lisa received two cups of mostly head. The beer also tasted like someone took a shit in her cup. Julia thought it was hilarious.

It also went terribly for the Yankees. The lead quickly dissipated. With the lead gone, the bandwagon Jays fans arrived. Allow us to travel back in time. To a time when the Blue Jays were not contenders. To a time when the TBB traveled across the border to O'Canada. Lisa was stopped at customs and was questioned for her decision to travel to Toronto in order to see the Blue Jays. Even country officials scoffed at this team. At the stadium, the stands were mostly empty.

Fast forward to yesterday's games. Our stands were filled with a pack of Blue Jay memorabilia-wearing ASS CLOWNS. Do you know how we know these fans were phony bandwagon fans? Because while in Toronto, we went two games and no one acted like an obnoxious ass clown. Now these fake ass bitches roll into our house and act like buffoons. Oh, no, no. We will not accept what Rodney Harrison calls, "this foolishness." Therefore, we gave the fans The Kermit Face.

Serena ordered herself and Auntiedukes a Yuengling and we each got a bucket of chicken tenders with garlic fries for $23 (no garlic would've been $20, but seriously, why wouldn't you make the $3 investment?). Let us repeat that. We EACH ordered a bucket of chicken tenders with garlic fries. Stephanie acted like a real lady and simply ordered herself a "platter." As we returned to our seats, several men RUDELY implied that we were gluttons. Note: we didn't judge them when they refilled their popcorn bucket not once, but twice. And then wore the bucket on their heads. Had the hat situation not gone down, we'd planned on stealing the empty bucket on their departure so that WE could get a refill, but the fact that it rested on a stranger's head is crossing the line. Even for us. Also, they took the bucket with them when they left, so...yeah.

The game would go into several infuriating extra innings and end in a Yankees loss.

We tried to remain optimistic. The day could be salvaged with a win.

Unfortunately, the second game began where the first left off. The Yankees looking like the Mighty Ducks before Gordon Bombay took over coaching duties and the Blue Jays fans acting like Beyonce was in town. Assholes.

Basically, the only good thing to come out of these two games is the discovery that Dustin Ackley is adorable and has a killer smile and that Lisa likes Yuengling. The rest of the day was pretty much a shit show. Including the drive home.

Passing Time Between Baseball Seasons

Last week, Lisa provided you with comprehensive evidence as to why TOWSNBN should just pony up, be a man, and give her some TLC. Based on the poll results, we've figured that you don't really hate us at all. All 5 of you said that he should meet Lisa ("GOD! What's his problem?"). No one selected, "No, I think it's time for Lisa to be committed." This was very supportive of you. It boosted her self esteem by a whopping 1%. What's clear to us now is that you actually hate Serena. That is why when we're together and offer you a poll about how amazing we are, you continue to select the options that hurt our feelings. It's a good thing that Serena is a professional drinker or else she'd have nothing to drown her sadness in. So f*ck you, b*tches!

Behold...the offseason. The awards have been given out. The champagne drunk. People of importance have woken up in beds next to strange people by mistake. And as usual, we were not invited to any of the parties. In all honesty, we're starting to think our most frequently attended sports bars are starting to bemoan our presence. In one bar's defense, we DID inappropriately sniff one of the owners, which could be considered strange by some people. It wasn't our fault though. He smelled really good and the cologne was wafting across the bar at us, slithering toward us like a tantalizing and hypnotic cheesey gordita crunch (no baja sauce for Serena because she thinks it's creepy). It couldn't be helped. We're suckers for good cologne.

How to pass the time until pitchers and catchers report in February? We will share with you how we keep ourselves most occupied (most occupied, indeed).

1. Football. Football gives us an opportunity to eat an entire day/evening and an excuse to eat wings and drink too much on Monday and Thursday nights. We understand that we drink too much on most nights, but it's more healthy to have something to blame your drinking on. It means you're not alcoholic. You're a social drinker. People love social drinkers because they're so much fun. It's not YOUR fault that the NFL scheduled a game for EVERY Monday. You weren't involve with the scheduling.  Now they've got games on Thursdays too. The NFL is practically begging you to be an alcoholic.
2. Talk about all of the different runs you're going to register for this year in an effort to lead a healthier lifestyle and score free goodie bags. Thankfully, these runs really don't start April, so there's no reason for you to start training yet. You've got plenty of time to continue to be fat and lazy.
3. Holiday fun stuff. Each year, we go into the City to enjoy all of its beautiful holiday greatness: ice cream sundaes at Serendipity 3, ice skating at Wolman Rink, the tree at Rockefeller Center, and behave like a-holes at FAO Schwartz. Good times.
4. Gambling keeps you warm at night. Every year we travel to Foxwoods to meet our friend, Maria for boozing and gambling. Oftentimes, Lisa gambles away our gas money. When we can't get away, Serena pulls out her poker table top and we have card night with Brother and his friends...because it seems as if Brother's friends are the only male beings that want to spend any time with us.
5. Continue checking the ESPN Free Agent Tracker for updates regarding key players.
6. Plan the 2013 Stadium Tour. Arizona/Texas, here we come! Yee-haw!  
7. Spend an inordinate amount of time in Serena's bed watching television. Sometimes we talk about how we're going to start getting back into shape and dieting..."soon."
8. Plan next year's Halloween costume. Velma and Daphne will be tough to top, but we ARE borderline professionals.
9. Discuss who we will take with us to Disney in December, if anyone, seeing as how we won Disney park hopper passes for best Halloween costume...at least that's the rumor Mama Leone keeps spreading.
10. Spend Danny's money. He seems so eager to give it away. He's not really funny and he's a Ginger, so he likes to spend a lot of time with us because we're so funny and non-Ginger like.

Baseball notes:
Giants' Buster Posey and Tigers' Miguel Cabrera earned NL and AL MVP Awards this week. Cabrera beat Angels' Mike Trout to become the first player in 45 years to win the Triple Crown Award. Cy Young Awards were won by RA Dickey and David Price. Bryce Harper and Mike Trout won League Toddler of the Year Awards (there's a f*cking surprise...did either man even have competition in this contest?).

The Blue Jays have been busy little birds this offseason. The Jays kicked off the week by announcing that they completed a deal with the Marlins that included 12 players. Mark Buerhle, Jose Reyes, and Josh Johnson were among the players dealt to the Jays. In addition, there seems to be a deal in the works for Melky Cabrera. The 2-year contract would pay Cabrera $16 million to hopefully not take performance enhancing drugs.

Elsewhere, Torii Hunter signed a 2-year contract with the Tigers worth $26 million. New York free agents still up for grabs are as follows: Hiroki Kiroda, Nick Swisher, Mariano Rivera, Rafael Soriano, Ichiro Suzuki, Russell Martin, Tim Byrdak, Ronny Cedeno, Eric Chavez, Pedro Feliciano, Freddy Garcia, Scott Hairston, Raul Ibanez, Andruw Jones, Derek Lowe, Andy Pettitte, Ramon Ramirez, Jon Rauch, and Kelly Shoppach.

133 days until Opening Day, people. After much consideration, we've decided that we will be escorting each other to our respective teams' opening days rather than run around begging people to go with us when they really don't want to...and then not getting our way when we get to the game. Be prepared for some pre-game festivities that may or may not include video feed. You're so excited. We know.

Everyone enjoy your Turkey Day and Black Friday experiences. We're hoping to pick up Josh Hamilton for relatively cheap.

2011 Should Keep Us Occupied, Most Occupied Indeed

Last week, we derailed slightly on the poll and asked your opinion on the fierceness of pirates and ninjas. 4 of you felt that pirates are more lethal because they have booty, a parrot, and quite often, a peg leg. 5 of you believe that ninjas are more lethal because they are stealth, can morph into the shadows, kill with their hands or ninja stars, and wear black pajamas. Serena supports the 5 of you true warriors. Hiyah!
 
We understand that this blog is entitled Traveling Baseball Babes and that its mission statement specifies that we’d report on our upcoming travels. We also understand that we’ve been terribly noncompliant in this aspect so far this year. So today we’ve decided to bring you up to speed, especially being that Brewers’ single-game tickets go on sale on Saturday. We’ve got big plans this year and we might have bit off more than we can chew, but we’ll see if we can pull it off. We shall start with Opening Day 2011. Every year, Lisa has presented her account of Mets Opening Day and this year will most likely be no exception. What will be new for the blog is that Serena will be attending the Yankees’ Opening Day and able to share her account with you as well. Our Yankees game will come earlier than usual this season barring any cancellations due to inclement weather. We purchased our tickets to the April 4th Yankees/Twins game off of Stub Hub for a total of $25! Talk about a bargain! Serena was so proud of the monetary savings that she immediately bought a dress off of Etsy that she didn’t need (Stupid, stupid). Hopefully, we get a free giveaway as well because that will be the icing on the cake.

After enjoying the local flair, we head off to Minneapolis to watch the Twins take on the Mariners at Target Field during the last week of May. We plan on spending roughly 3 days in Minneapolis before flying to Milwaukee where we’ll see the Brewers take on the Giants at Brewer Field. Again, we only plan on staying in Milwaukee for about 3 days. Both hotels have already been booked and once we buy the tickets to the games (or at least the Brewers tickets because we have a few weeks before the Twins go on sale), we’ll book airfare. Before we progress further, we want you to focus on the importance of what we just said. The Twins (Justin Morneau and Joe Mauer) and the Brewers will be playing the Giants (Tim Lincecum, Barry Zito, and Buster Posey). It looks like we’ll be married by the end of the year, folks. Furthermore, note “Miller” Park. As in Miller Brewery. Yup. This is happening.

June signals our “planned” annual excursion to Citi Field to see the Mets take on the A’s (Craig Breslow. Want to touch the smarty pants hiney). We say “planned” because it is possible that we may choose to go to a Mets game earlier or later in the season and we’ve yet to purchase tickets. We’ll keep you posted either way. Even more exciting about the month of June is that we’ll be holding our 2nd Annual Fred K’s Cancer Walk at Cantiague Park! We hope that any of you who are local to the event shows their support by registering to participate in it. If you’re unable to attend, you can support the cause by pledging a donation. You can find out how to do either by visiting the Fred K’s Cancer website.

Which brings us to July…4th of July weekend to be exact. We’re tapping the Rockies, visiting Coors Field to watch the Rockies take on the Royals and most likely an exciting fireworks display, more breweries, and did you know that the country’s best dinosaur museum is in Colorado? Also noteworthy is the fact that the Rockies’ mascot is a purple mother f’n dinosaur. Glory shall be ours.

We know. We’ve completely overwhelmed you with the amount of awesomely amazing crap that we’ve got planned this year, but you know what’s crazy? There’s more! We’re hoping to squeeze a fourth stadium into the mix! Four, you exclaim incredulously? Can it be done? We’re certainly going to try, sports fans. Depending on where we are in our finances, we’re going to aim for a weekend in Toronto (probably much later in the season) with Jess, Uncle Pat, and his daughter, Lauren. The series we’re thinking about is against the Orioles in September. Again, we’ll keep you posted on that front. We’ll probably have a better idea after Colorado, so you’ll not have to wait too long for us to make a decision.

Briefly, our baseball notes for this week:

On Monday, Justine Siegal became the first woman to pitch batting practice in a major league spring training camp when she threw to the Indians (and then did so again at the A’s training camp on Wednesday). Siegal was also the first woman to coach first base in men’s professional baseball (the Brockton Rox) in 2009 and she spent 3 years (2007-2010) as the only female college baseball coach in the country, when she was an assistant coach at Springfield College. Breaking down gender barriers earns Siegal the title of TBB Super Hero of the Week.

Cardinals’ GM, John Mozeliak announced yesterday that Adam Wainright will have to undergo season-ending Tommy John surgery on his right elbow. No date has been set for the surgery as of yet.

In honor of our upcoming Milwaukee trip, we’ll end things with our rendition of the Laverne and Shirley theme song: “One, two, three, four, four stadium tours. Sclemeel, Schlemazel, TBB incorporated. We’re gonna do it! Give us any food, we’ll take it. Give us any rule, we’ll break it. We’re gonna make our dreams come true our way.”