Passing Time Between Baseball Seasons

Last week, Lisa provided you with comprehensive evidence as to why TOWSNBN should just pony up, be a man, and give her some TLC. Based on the poll results, we've figured that you don't really hate us at all. All 5 of you said that he should meet Lisa ("GOD! What's his problem?"). No one selected, "No, I think it's time for Lisa to be committed." This was very supportive of you. It boosted her self esteem by a whopping 1%. What's clear to us now is that you actually hate Serena. That is why when we're together and offer you a poll about how amazing we are, you continue to select the options that hurt our feelings. It's a good thing that Serena is a professional drinker or else she'd have nothing to drown her sadness in. So f*ck you, b*tches!

Behold...the offseason. The awards have been given out. The champagne drunk. People of importance have woken up in beds next to strange people by mistake. And as usual, we were not invited to any of the parties. In all honesty, we're starting to think our most frequently attended sports bars are starting to bemoan our presence. In one bar's defense, we DID inappropriately sniff one of the owners, which could be considered strange by some people. It wasn't our fault though. He smelled really good and the cologne was wafting across the bar at us, slithering toward us like a tantalizing and hypnotic cheesey gordita crunch (no baja sauce for Serena because she thinks it's creepy). It couldn't be helped. We're suckers for good cologne.

How to pass the time until pitchers and catchers report in February? We will share with you how we keep ourselves most occupied (most occupied, indeed).

1. Football. Football gives us an opportunity to eat an entire day/evening and an excuse to eat wings and drink too much on Monday and Thursday nights. We understand that we drink too much on most nights, but it's more healthy to have something to blame your drinking on. It means you're not alcoholic. You're a social drinker. People love social drinkers because they're so much fun. It's not YOUR fault that the NFL scheduled a game for EVERY Monday. You weren't involve with the scheduling.  Now they've got games on Thursdays too. The NFL is practically begging you to be an alcoholic.
2. Talk about all of the different runs you're going to register for this year in an effort to lead a healthier lifestyle and score free goodie bags. Thankfully, these runs really don't start April, so there's no reason for you to start training yet. You've got plenty of time to continue to be fat and lazy.
3. Holiday fun stuff. Each year, we go into the City to enjoy all of its beautiful holiday greatness: ice cream sundaes at Serendipity 3, ice skating at Wolman Rink, the tree at Rockefeller Center, and behave like a-holes at FAO Schwartz. Good times.
4. Gambling keeps you warm at night. Every year we travel to Foxwoods to meet our friend, Maria for boozing and gambling. Oftentimes, Lisa gambles away our gas money. When we can't get away, Serena pulls out her poker table top and we have card night with Brother and his friends...because it seems as if Brother's friends are the only male beings that want to spend any time with us.
5. Continue checking the ESPN Free Agent Tracker for updates regarding key players.
6. Plan the 2013 Stadium Tour. Arizona/Texas, here we come! Yee-haw!  
7. Spend an inordinate amount of time in Serena's bed watching television. Sometimes we talk about how we're going to start getting back into shape and dieting..."soon."
8. Plan next year's Halloween costume. Velma and Daphne will be tough to top, but we ARE borderline professionals.
9. Discuss who we will take with us to Disney in December, if anyone, seeing as how we won Disney park hopper passes for best Halloween costume...at least that's the rumor Mama Leone keeps spreading.
10. Spend Danny's money. He seems so eager to give it away. He's not really funny and he's a Ginger, so he likes to spend a lot of time with us because we're so funny and non-Ginger like.

Baseball notes:
Giants' Buster Posey and Tigers' Miguel Cabrera earned NL and AL MVP Awards this week. Cabrera beat Angels' Mike Trout to become the first player in 45 years to win the Triple Crown Award. Cy Young Awards were won by RA Dickey and David Price. Bryce Harper and Mike Trout won League Toddler of the Year Awards (there's a f*cking surprise...did either man even have competition in this contest?).

The Blue Jays have been busy little birds this offseason. The Jays kicked off the week by announcing that they completed a deal with the Marlins that included 12 players. Mark Buerhle, Jose Reyes, and Josh Johnson were among the players dealt to the Jays. In addition, there seems to be a deal in the works for Melky Cabrera. The 2-year contract would pay Cabrera $16 million to hopefully not take performance enhancing drugs.

Elsewhere, Torii Hunter signed a 2-year contract with the Tigers worth $26 million. New York free agents still up for grabs are as follows: Hiroki Kiroda, Nick Swisher, Mariano Rivera, Rafael Soriano, Ichiro Suzuki, Russell Martin, Tim Byrdak, Ronny Cedeno, Eric Chavez, Pedro Feliciano, Freddy Garcia, Scott Hairston, Raul Ibanez, Andruw Jones, Derek Lowe, Andy Pettitte, Ramon Ramirez, Jon Rauch, and Kelly Shoppach.

133 days until Opening Day, people. After much consideration, we've decided that we will be escorting each other to our respective teams' opening days rather than run around begging people to go with us when they really don't want to...and then not getting our way when we get to the game. Be prepared for some pre-game festivities that may or may not include video feed. You're so excited. We know.

Everyone enjoy your Turkey Day and Black Friday experiences. We're hoping to pick up Josh Hamilton for relatively cheap.

Playoff Pandemonium

Shall we start the blog off with poll results? We asked you a simple question Love or Hate the new playoff structure? Looks like all of you TBB followers came out to vote (10) and these were the results. Eight of you sons of b*tches like this new format which saddens us cause we told you already we hated it and now you are going against us. You should agree with us at all times because we are awesome and hilarious and all around good time. Shame on you! We guess even followers are entitled to their own opinion even if it’s wrong. Two people voted for hate it. We like them. If we knew who you were we would let you buy us beer and wings and experience the most comical day of your life.

Before we go on to baseball related stuff that we think is important enough to grace the pages of this glorious blog we need to mention a few things. Yesterday our friends Maureen and Jerry tied the knot. Congratulations! We had a great time. Serena performed her bridesmaid duties which included acting like a lady and not cursing while Lisa enjoyed the open bar and showing off her Zumba moves on the dance floor. Lisa is tired lazy and will apologize in advance for this blog for its just Daphne today Velma is off working her real job. No word on her stalking storm troopers so she must be behaving herself at The Autism Walk. I wish Serena and the gang all the luck today in raising money and awareness for Autism.

Now onto the baseball sh*t! So let’s have a short and sweet recap. I will try to make this as painless as possible. We found out on Wednesday that the Yankees and Oakland Athletics clinched their division titles.  The Yankees would give Boston a certifiable ass whipping and the Baltimore Orioles would take the first AL wild card spot. Oakland won over Texas causing Texas to claim the second spot. Fun times had by all I am sure.

Speaking of this Wild Card crap lets briefly cover what went down on these one game sudden death elimination (Ok I am being a bit dramatic). On Friday the Braves played the St. Louis Cardinals for the National League Wild Card bullsh*t. It did not end as Lisa would have hoped it to. Lisa was wishing that Carlos Beltran would pull the crap he did in the 2006 National league Championship game when he played for the Mets. In case you forgot he struck out while looking with the winning run on board. Never Forget! She is still looking for closure! Unfortunately that did not happen the Braves had three errors and a bad call by one of the umpires in the eight when Andrelton Simmons hit a fly ball that looked like a given out for the Cardinals. Pete Kozma initially called for the ball but then allowed it to drop between him and Holliday. The fans thought the Braves had loaded the bases while trailing by three runs and one out. Fans would realize that the left field umpire had made a late infield fly ruling calling Simmons out and leaving runners on second and third. It then got pretty ugly. Fans started throwing bottles, cups, and other items on the field causing a 19 minute delay. I love passionate fans. I am making them the TBB Super hero of the week. They are far classier then what Serena and I would have probably done had this happen to one of our teams. Braves would go on to lose 6-3 to the Cardinals. The Cardinals are to play the Washington Nationals today. Lisa is becoming a Nationals fan and will use her hat and free t-shirt as well as her mascot puppet while she roots on the Nats. Lisa refuses to live in a world where Carlos Beltran could possible go to the World Series. In the AL Wild Card game the Baltimore Orioles beat the Texas Rangers with a score of 5-1 and so the Orioles will be playing the Yankees today for the first game of their series. The TBB are hoping for a 4^th game so that we can attend the playoff tickets we purchased. That being said we are allowing the Orioles to win one game. That’s it! I know what you’re saying to yourself.” Those ladies are so sweet to grant that”. Statues should be made of us for our random acts of kindness.

So as stands taking game 1 of their division series are the Cincinnati Reds who beat the San Francisco Giants yesterday with a score of 5-2 and the Detroit Tigers took game 1 over the Oakland Athletics with a score of 3-1. Lot’s of baseball to be had today everyone is playing oh and football too. I suppose I should get this show on the road and mention a few more things so we all can get to drinking beer and watching sports!

Miguel Cabrera won baseball’s first Triple Crown in 45 years on Wednesday night. Cabrera led the American League with a .330 batting average, 44 home runs and 139 RBIs, making him the 15^th Triple Crown winner and the first since Boston’s Carl Yastrzemski in 1967. He did very well on Lisa’s fantasy baseball team but he alone could not carry The Asstastic Bunch to first place we finished in 5^th.

On Thursday I received notification on my portable internet machine from one of the baseball apps that stated late breaking news “Bobby Valentine is fired. “ Let’s be real late breaking news would have been if Bobby Valentine kept his job. Valentine went 69-93 in his only year as the Boston Red Sox manager. It should also be noted that this was the worst record in almost 50 years for Boston. The only person sad about this is Lisa’s mother and it’s not because she is a Boston Fan it’s because she has a crush on him. Speaking of Jobs as one door closes another one opens well not for Bobby V but for former Boston Red Sox manger Terry Francona. Terry has been hired this week to be manager of the Cleveland Indians, a team that collapsed in the second half of the season after a promising four months in the beginning.

Cue in curtains, The End! Go on and enjoy lots of booze, baseball and football you have been dismissed students!

Forbes’ Top Ten

We’d been thinking about a potential career change and since we care so much about your opinion, we asked for your feedback. Since it was a tie, you haven’t helped us at all. Good job. When asked if you thought we should quit stadium touring and become professional MMA fighters, you people couldn’t make a decision. Now we’re stuck between “Oh, for crissakes, no. You’ll be killed” and “Yes. You look bad a$$. You’ll totally win some matches.” What are we supposed to do with this? We suppose we’ll just go be strippers instead. Thanks a lot, guys. Miserable married corporate men will have the unfortunate experience of us dancing and twirling around a pole. If you think that sounds sexy, just be aware that while spinning on a pole, Serena actually squeals, “Weeeeeeee!” Kay? Does that still sound sexy?

This weekend, Forbes’ released its Top 10 Most Disliked Athletes list. The ranking is as follows:

1. Michael Vick
2. Tiger Woods
3. Plaxico Burress
4. Ndamukong Suh
5. Kris Humphries
6. LeBron James
7. Kobe Bryant
8. Terrell Owens
9. Alex Rodriguez
10. Kurt Busch

Some of this list is completely understandable. After all, Michael Vick should not have his current job. He’s a man who operated a dog fighting ring, killed dogs, served time in prison, and then was rewarded upon his release with a really awesome career. Most “reformed” criminals have trouble finding jobs at Walmart and yet this a-hole immediately gets his old job back. His entire salary should be donated back to the ASPCA. He’s a scumbag. Plaxico Burress, Terrell Ownes, and Kurt Busch are all total douchebags. We get it. Kobe Bryant? Sexually assaulted a woman AND an arrogant a-hole. Yup. We get it. What we can’t understand is why Tiger Woods is ranked higher on this list than a man who shot himself in the leg like an a-hole, a sell-out who abandoned his fans for extra money, and more importantly, a man who had sexually assaulted a woman. We’re not saying that Tiger doesn’t belong on this list, but his issue is sex addiction. Those women all wanted to have sex with him (for reasons that are unknown to us). Kobe forced himself on a woman. Why is he only #7?

Even more disturbing is Kris Humphries’ placement on this list at #5. The only reason you should dislike him is that you’re sick of hearing his name and about his a-hole ex-wife. In fact, instead of Humphries, Kim Kardashian should be on this list. She might not be a literal athlete, but she certainly sleeps with a lot of them. Humphries also spells his name wrong, but that’s not enough of a reason to rank him #5. Why is this man on this list in the first place? How could you have this much venom toward someone so unimportant? He’s literally a non-entity. Furthermore, why is he on this list higher than a man who sexually assaulted a woman AND LeBron James and Terrell Owens??? This has to be a joke.

Alex Rodriguez. Really? How could you possibly hate him more than say, oh, we don’t know…Ben Rothlisberger?? A man who raped not one woman, but TWO!!! We get that there’s animosity toward Rodriguez for his inflated salary (but really…how many other athletes are out there with grossly inflated salaries? Can we say Barry Zito? At least Rodriguez performs. What has Zito done for us lately besides attempt to bring back the porn-stache and rock a comb-over on his wedding day?), his high-profile relationships (wouldn’t you bang Kate Hudson if you had the chance?), and the whole steroids debacle (umm…what about Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens? They actually lied to a grand jury). But really? Top 10 MOST disliked? Really? More disliked than a rapist? The rapist isn’t even on this list!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Furthermore, Chad Ochocinco renamed himself after his jersey number. We’re not sure you can get more douchey than that. Why isn’t he on this list?

Alex Rodriguez’s personality is minimal. It’s like listening to a piece of Melba Toast speaking when he’s interviewed and as we stated earlier, Kris Humphries is a non-entity. You’ve eaten two spots on this list with men that are essentially space-wasters. Spots that could’ve been filled by a rapist and Douchey McDouchey. This list basically confirms how stupid the public is. They shouldn’t be allowed to vote for anything. Not for the All Star Game, not for the People’s Choice Awards, not for American Idol, and in all honesty, no one should be voting in the presidential elections. We’d be better off being run by British Parliament at this point.  

In other worldly baseball news, according to sources, there’s a chance that AJ Burnett could be sent to the Pirates. Did you just hear that? It sounded like angels singing. The Yankees still owe Burnett $35 million for the next two seasons, which is worth more than the cost of both of our cars combined and we’ve gotten more practical use out of our modes of transportation than the Yankees have gotten out of Burnett. On the flip side, the Pirates are seeking a veteran starter who can eat innings. Here’s the problem with the Pirates’ strategy here. Yes, Burnett is a veteran and yes, when his sh*t is on the money, he’s great and he’ll definitely eat up some innings for you. However, that being said, when the f*cker is in hot mess mode, you’ll be lucky if he survives two innings. Maybe removing him from the pressure of being in New York will help him. We’re not sure, but he needs to take his epic fails elsewhere.

Tom Brady’s sister (who we imagine looks like Tom Brady, only without a beard and with long, silky smooth hair as opposed to short) is engaged to Kevin Youkilis. What could be going so wrong in the Brady household that something this terrible would happen to the sister of Tom Brady? Youkilis looks like a crazed lumberjack. A friend of Youkilis said that, “he’s really lucky. She’s a really nice person…” Hell yeah, he’s lucky! Has he looked at himself in the mirror lately????

Jose Reyes’ locks went for $10,200 on eBay. This would normally be a disgusting and creepy situation that we’d make fun of, but the money was donated to the Make A Wish Foundation of South Florida, so it would be a little inappropriate for us to ridicule this.  

Finally, Chubby Bubby Miguel Cabrera reportedly shed 20-25 pounds to move back to third base for the Tigers. The End. End Scene. Close curtains. Exit theater.

In the fine words of Candlebox: “Now maybe, they didn’t mean to put you on that list. Now maybe, but they did it anyway. And now maybe, some would say that your life is sad. But you lived it anyway. And so maybe, and your friends they stand around and they watched you marry that whore as your reputation faltered to the ground. And then someday, even some of your friends voted, oh they voted you for #5…but you left them far behind. Now maybe, they didn’t mean to put you on the list, but they did it anyway. Now maybe, some would say you’re left with what you have, but you couldn’t stop the pain of beating a sex offender.”