We had hard time deciding tonight's blog post's title. Serena wanted to call a spade a spade and refer to these players as "fat people." Lisa wanted to be more diplomatic and call them, "overweight" or "horizontally challenged." You might be wondering where this is all coming from and we'll tell you. David Ortiz. The fatty is finally retiring and while Red Sox Nation is all "boo hoo, cry me a river" over losing their Big Papi, we can't help but think that it must be a relief to the uniform department because after this season, they can save money on all the extra fabric his uniforms wasted.
Listen. It's not like we're bitching about him being the only fat player in the league. That's not true. He's but one of many fatties. We're bemoaning the retirement of a man whose sole purpose is to hit because he is physically incapable of fielding a position. It's one thing for those guys like Ken Griffey Jr. (who once upon a time, was an amazing outfielder, but got old and/or injured) to be utilized as a strict DH. It's like hiring a professional hockey player who can't skate. It doesn't make sense. Enough about David Ortiz. Back to the real point of this post: fat ball players.
We're not going to waste time listing all of the fat players because you know who they are. You've seen them on television creating larger than normal shadows on the field. You may have even switched your television to widescreen in order to accommodate their girth. We want to know if these players should be permitted to go on being fat? As a marketing rep, it is Lisa's job to provide customer service. It is not acceptable for her to be an asshole to their faces, despite her deep burning desire to behave as such. Therefore, as a professional athlete, "fitness" and "wellness" should be one of the requirements of your job description. We know we're not the definition of peak physical condition, but we're also not being paid a shit ton of money to play for the Red Sox/Yankees/Mets/Giants/etc. As a professional athlete, the only times it should be acceptable for you to be fat is if you are a human brick wall blocking for your quarterback or if you wrestle in a circle wearing a diaper.
If we were paid half the salary of say, a Robinson Cano type of player, for traveling to baseball stadiums, we'd be in some sick shape. We'd be able to afford personal trainers, hair stylists, makeup artists, outfit selecters, chefs, life coaches, bartenders, and on occasion, an anger management counselor. Also, we'd sit in better seats at stadiums. Even though we're not professional athletes, we'd still use our money to make us look better. Why? Because we care about what you buffoons think of us. Keeping this in mind, the baseball players who look like Bad Santa's are not only disrespecting their minds and bodies, but also disrespecting our patronage and fandom. It's time we trim the fat and by trim the fat, we mean, "fire the fat people." How hard is it to not to spend your millions of dollars on McDonald's and Taco Bell every day? It's different when you're sitting there eyeing the Dollar Menu because that's all your broke ass can afford at this time. When you're that rich, you're just being a glutton. Also, if you're not willing to invest in a home gym, at the very least, invest the $10/month to join Planet Fitness.
That is all. Mic drop. Now we have to go eat our large Domino's pizza and cheesy bread and finish watching Adventures in Babysitting. Next week, tune in for our suggestion to create an application process in order to become a legitimate Yankees or Mets fan.