Sunday, December 20, 2015

For 2016: You Now Must Apply for Mets/Yankees Fandom

After the shit show that was the Mets' most recent post season run, we've decided that things needed to change. Truthfully, it's been a long time coming. We've interacted with far too many idiotic Mets and Yankees fans over the years to allow this to go on any longer. We don't want any of you idiots at our games anymore. Stop eating up our precious tickets. It's time to weed out the assholes.

We've decided that what the Mets and Yankees need is an application submission process in order for you to join their network of fans. In order to complete this process, the following must take place:
1. Applicants must run at minimum, a 5K at their home stadium. Not a race at a football stadium or some other baseball stadium in another state. The HOME stadium of their team of choice.
2. Provide proof of years of fandom. This is not to alienate potential new fans. This is simply to separate the true fans from the fake ones. There will be a separate application for newcomers. Those who claim to already be fans will be under intense scrutiny. Those interested in becoming a fan for the first time will undergo a thorough, but more lenient background check. After all, we can't expect a 4 year old to identify each player from Murderer's Row/1986 Mets pitching rotation. They're 4. They're still trying to understand why Bert and Ernie are still living together.
3. Applicants will be expected to score a 85% or higher on a multiple choice exam. All questions will pertain to the franchise of choice. A perfect score guarantees first dibs on tickets to high profile games - Opening Day, rivalry games, post season games.
4. Applicants will also undergo an intense interview screening conducted by the TBB, Isolde, and a player TBD from the franchise of choice.
5. Applicants will be required to write two essays. Both essays will be 3-5 pages, typed, double-spaced, in font Times New Roman size 12. The essay topics will be as follows: "Why I Want to be a Mets/Yankees Fan" and "The History of the Subway Series Rivalry." The latter is partially a trick question as there is no rivalry and those who believe in it are ass clowns. If you write an essay describing why the Mets/Yankees suck, you will automatically be disqualified. Yes, winning the series for "New York bragging rights" is an acceptable reason for the PLAYERS to be all excited about winning, but seeing as how your fat ass is simply drinking and eating during the series, you should just behave as you would during a series that no one cares about. If you're able to write a concise, well thought-out essay discussing the reasons you believe a rivalry exists, it will be taken under consideration.
6. Applicants will also expected to be intimately familiar with the rules of baseball. A secondary quiz will be given in which all of the questions will pertain to the sport in general. For example, if you didn't know that the World Series was a best of 7 series, you have no business applying for fandom. You especially have no business behaving like a grandiose buffoon of a fan. You're embarrassing yourself, others around you, and the real fans that must suffer your insolence.
7. Male applicants of a certain age will be given a pushup test as we are currently searching for penetration partners.
8. Female applicants must surrender to a wardrobe check. Legitimate fan attire does not include team high heels, sparkly or bedazzled clothing, team halter or tube tops, or shredded clothing. Here are some examples:

Applications will only be accepted during the offseason and not following a season in which the team of choice has made a postseason appearance, as you are likely just a bandwagon fan in that case.

In addition to receiving true fan status, you'll be permitted to post on team social media outlets/message boards, access to ticket purchases before the general assholes, and permission to share team news/scores/photos to YOUR social media outlets. Failure to achieve fan status will result in the automatic cleansing of any fake ass profile pictures and statuses about being a #1 fan, which you are not.

Even though next week is Christmas, you're lucky enough to be receiving a blog post from us. It'll be the annual TBB Christmas Carole. After that, it's blog silence until 2016. Try not to miss us too badly.

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