Friday, November 13, 2009

Mourning the Loss of the Baseball Season

Well, we are sad to report that our poll turn out was limited to 5 measly votes. Is it because the season’s over and you’ve stopped caring? You, know we’ve not ditched our post as weekly bloggers despite the season coming to an end! We still manage to come up with worthless crap to feed you. The least you could do is patronize us and vote on our stupid poll. You don’t even have to read the blog if you don’t want to. Is that so much to ask for? Anyway, we had asked you what you thought would happen at this year’s winter meetings. 4 of you felt that Mr. Met would take over the role of Manager for the Mets while Jerry Manuel would step down and become the stadium’s Hot Dog Compliance Specialist. The fact that you’re allowing Manuel to have this sort of great responsibility just proves how forgiving you are. Lisa believes that Manuel will find a way to screw up Citi Field’s hot dogs…and hot dogs are vital components to a baseball game. We know. We’re professional hot dog research analysts. Only 1 of you thought that Jayson Werth is going to donate his creepy beard to Locks of Love, only to be rejected and then riots will ensue. We don’t really blame Locks of Love for rejecting his beard because let’s face it; no one deserves that for a wig. Finally, absolutely no one voted for the last three options: Brad Ziegler going to Pittsburg in exchange for a player to be named, AROD files for 60-day FML due to sensitivity issues, and Roy Halladay signs with the Angels. Really, people? Really? That last choice was the most likely event to occur and no one voted for it. No, you actually thought that Mr. Met would be an appropriate replacement for Jerry Manuel. Helloooooo, he can’t talk!!!! How do you expect him to call the bull pen? Plus, he’s always smiling so how do you think players are going to know when Mr. Met is angry? They’re going to think they’re doing a great job when they really aren’t. And how do you expect him to travel with the team? He’s head is way too big to fit through an airplane door.

Now…cue Darth Vadar’s imperial march. We are officially depressed. Now that the parade has passed and the excitement has died down, there’s nothing to look forward to until pitchers and catchers report. Okay, Christmas will be fun, but that’s completely irrelevant. There’s only football once a week and the Jets and Giants have been sucking interesting body parts lately. Pretty hard core actually. The Giants, in particular, have made Serena nauseas for three straight weeks. The only thing that has gotten her through these tough NFL times is the fact that they have a bye week this Sunday and therefore can’t possibly screw anything up. The Jets, however, are scheduled to play and could potentially give Tech Support Sean an ulcer. Other than that, what’s the TBB to do/watch? Project Runway’s coming to an end. Biggest Loser’s almost down to its last contestant. The Real Housewives of Atlanta have been relegated to reruns on Bravo. Will we really be forced to watch YES and SNY Classics? We KNOW what happens! There’s no pacing involved. No nail biting. No shouts of, “for heaven’s sakes! Call the bullpen! Here’s my cell phone! I have free nights and weekends! Go on! Use it!” No Premio sausage sandwiches or grilled hot dogs with awesome toppings. We’d have to travel to Vegas in order to get ourselves a $10 Coors Light. How boring.

Most importantly, no baseball season means there’s no stadium touring!!!! That’s our true life line! Those are the blogs we have most fun writing! In order to keep us going, we’ve resorted to depositing recyclables for money to put toward our LA/San Diego trip. It makes us feel like we’re accomplishing something related to stadium touring, but we’re not. We have no flights, no baseball tickets, no free giveaway schedules. We’re just the non-traveling depressed baseball babes. We’ve collected $8 so far from plastic bottles, beer bottles, and cans.

As a result of this manic depression, we’re concerned that our fans may feel the brunt of it the most. Our blogging abilities may suffer and we’ll simply continue to muck through garbage and rant about complete nonsense (like Sammy Sosa pulling a Michael Jackson…it’s black, it’s white?) and force you to read it…weekly. We apologize for this. We will sincerely try our best to avoid this type of calamity, but it may be inevitable.

We suppose that we could be positive about this whole thing. We can begin again. New hopes, dreams, and an uplifted faith (at least for Serena. Lisa, not so much). This is the year *insert favorite team* will take it all. This is it! Favorite team is going to sign that big shot free agent and all of our problems will be solved!

Unfortunately, what will happen (to us, anyway) is that before spring training is over, this hope will fade. It will be replaced by frustration and anger. Why did *insert favorite team’s GM* get rid of *insert favorite player* in favor of that douche, *insert douchey player*? What does douche do that favorite player doesn’t? Douche is probably represented by Scott Boras and will earn a hefty paycheck. Doubt will enter the corners of the mind as you begin to sweat the arrival of Opening Day. You hope your team does well. You hope your team does not get their butts handed to them by the Cleveland Indians at your team’s brand new stadium (like the Yankees did this year). If your team wins Opening Day, you think you can be relaxed because it’s a great start to the season (but you probably won’t relax). If your team loses, you’re going to be a wreck. What if they lose every game? What if they suck? What if that high-paid douche wasn’t the answer? What if he’s just a douche?

Of course, by the end of the season, douche will have done nothing, favorite team will probably end up in the bottom of the standings, and former favorite player will have gone on to win the World Series MVP and ride the lead float in the team parade. This brings us back to off season depression yet again. It’s a vicious cycle and through it all, you will remain loyal to favorite team.

We’re thinking of starting a support group. Please email us if you’re interesting in joining. Perhaps we can file for 501 (c) 3 status. Collect donations for our cause. Anyone?

In the meantime, we will have to perfect our strategies involving certain key players (TOWSNBN, Murphy, Justin Morneau, Joe Mauer, Barry Zito, Jeff Francoeur, “Tiny” Tim Lincecum, Mike Jacobs, Huston Street, Cole Hamels). Don’t worry, boys, we did not forget about you. 0 : )

Now for the drum roll please…the 2009 MLB Awards thus far:

American League Gold Gloves
Mark Buehrle (Chicago White Sox) P
Joe Mauer (Minnesota Twins) C
Mark Teixeira (New York Yankees) 1B
Placido Polanco (Detroit Tigers) 2B
Evan Longoria (Tampa Bay Rays) 3B
Derek Jeter (New York Yankees) SS
Torii Hunter (Los Angeles Angels) OF
Adam Jones (Baltimore Orioles) OF
Ichiro Suzuki (Seattle Mariners) OF

National League Gold Gloves
Adam Wainright (St. Louis Cardinals) P
Yadier Molina (St. Louis Cardinals) C
Adrian Gonzalez (San Diego Padres) 1B
Orlando Hudson (Los Angeles Dodgers) 2B
Ryan Zimmerman (Washington Nationals) 3B
Jimmy Rollins (Philadelphia Phillies) SS
Shane Victorino (Philadelphia Phillies) OF
Michael Bourn (Houston Astros) OF
Michael Kemp (Los Angeles Dodgers) OF

American League Silver Slugger Awards
Mark Teixeira (New York Yankees) 1B
Aaron Hill (Toronto Blue Jays) 2B
Derek Jeter (New York Yankees) SS
Evan Longoria (Tampa Bay Rays) 3B
Joe Mauer (Minnesota Twins) C
Adam Lind (Toronto Blue Jays) DH
Torii Hunter (Los Angeles Angels) OF
Ichiro Suzuki (Seattle Mariners) OF
Jason Bay (Boston Red Sox) OF

National League Silver Slugger Awards
Albert Pujols (St. Louis Cardinals) 1B
Chase Utley (Philadelphia Phillies) 2B
Hanley Ramirez (Florida Marlins) SS
Ryan Zimmerman (Washington Nationals) 3B
Brian McCann (Atlanta Braves) C
Carlos Zambrano (Chicago Cubs) P
Matt Kemp (Los Angeles Dodgers) OF
Andre Ethier (Los Angeles Dodgers) OF
Ryan Braun (Milwaukee Brewers) OF

We eagerly wait for the announcement of the Cy Young Awards, MVP’s, Batting Titles, Rookie of the Year, Manager of the Year, and Come Back Player of the Year. While we may not be happy with all of the results, we’re also excited about potential player moves.

In TBB Walks for Fred news, Fred K’s Cancer will be getting its own website and Facebook page, so any updates on our fundraising and the event will be posted there. The sites will be up and running by the end of the day on Monday.

On to today’s baseball notes: In extremely twisted news, Victor Zambrano’s mother was kidnapped in Venezuela on Sunday. After three days of captivity, police was able to stage a “commando-style” rescue. She was unharmed. Also on Sunday, the Twins picked up Michael Cuddeyer’s $10.5 million option for 2011, whereas the Red Sox declined the $6 million option on Alex Gonzalez and the Phillies declined the $5.5 million option on Pedro Feliz. The Red Sox are apparently very busy beavers because on Monday, they picked up Victor Martinez’s $7 million option, while declining stupid “C” is for “Catcher” Jason Varitek’s $5 million option. Unfortunately for Serena, the fool exercised his $3 million option so that he can stay with the Red Sox. How charming. She’s thrilled that she gets another season to look at him. The Sox also replaced Tim Wakefield’s option with a two year agreement. He claims that that once the two years are up, he’s calling it quits. The agreement will put him at 45 years old. This news completely shocked Serena. Tim Wakefield is 43 years old???? In more uplifting news (at least for us), Ken Griffey Jr. (who we love, love, love, love, love) signed a one year agreement with Mariners! Yay! Why didn’t we go to Seattle LAST year when he returned? Why did we have to go there when he was with the White Sox? Seattle’s manager, Jack Zdurienck stated that “we’re tickled pink that he’s decided to come back.” We’re not quite sure what “tickled pink” means, but it sounds rather dirty. Finally, there are some big guns up for hire this off season either through trade or free agency, including John Lackey (who has a snaggle tooth), Roy Halladay (who is most definitely a werewolf. Serena would bet money on it), and Javier Vazquez (who is actually somewhat attractive and low-key). Lisa will take any of them or all of them to play for the Mets. In exchange, she is willing to give up Oliver Perez, Luis Castillo, Carlos Beltran, Jose Reyes, Carlos Delgado, JJ Putz…basically the entire team with the exception of TWOSNBN, Jeff Francoeur, Daniel Murphy, Johan Santana, and Mr. Met. Everyone else can go. Serena would love for Roy Halladay to join the Yankees pitching staff, but will lock her doors for safety purposes when there’s a full moon.

We close today’s blog with the following words, written and performed by the illustrious BON JOVI! “We wake up in the morning and we raise our weary heads. We’ve got an old jersey from some player who got traded for a pillow and the baseball field was last night’s bed. We don’t know where we’re going, only the TBB fans know where we’ve been. We’re babes on the run, we love a 40-man roster (but not those on the DL), when will baseball return again, Yeah! The baseball season’s shot down in a blaze of glory! Take it down, but we know the truth! Pitchers and catchers report in February. Thank god.”

The 2009 MLB Season, may it rest in peace

BallHype: hype it up!


  1. I want to share with you my three consolations that help me deal with the post-baseball blues:

    1) The season lives on so long as we await the announcement of Cy Young, MVP, etc.
    2) The Winter Olympics are just around the corner!
    3) I still get the pleasure of reading your blog every Friday. :)

    Cheers, CM

  2. Thank you for your kind words. It gives us hope that we are not the only ones mourning the loss. We hope you as well as the rest of our fan base continue to read the nonsense we are forced to come up with due to the absense of baseball :)