Greetings from Serena’s Bed

As you may have realized based on our title that we are blogging from the comforts of Serena’s bed brought to us by the glory that is Egyptian cotton comforter. We’re confident that we will finish this blog post by kickoff. At least…that is the mission we’ve chosen to accept at this time. Last week, as we closed in on the final games of the World Series and the official end of the baseball season, we asked if you’d continuing reading our blog after it was all over. The results were…astonishing. 3 of you would keep reading if one of us showed you our boobs. On what planet did you think we’d actually show you nipple? Be serious. You didn’t think that one through, did you? You saw the word “boob” and got so excited that you went, “YES” and picked that option. We are clearly dealing with a pack of perverts here. 3 said that you would continue reading because you are “following us so that you can roofie us.” We don’t even know what to say. 2 of you were kind enough to choose, “Yes, because while I think this blog has absolutely no relevance on anyone’s day to day life, it’s quite well-written and it makes me giggle.” Why thank you. We make ourselves giggle on a daily basis. If only we had a cameraman following us around and documenting our every move, you’d be in for a real treat. This week, you’re getting 2 polls as one pertains to Lisa and the other pertains to Serena. Please vote on both. The last time we gave you two polls (one for the American League and one for the National League), you sucked hard. Please try not to be such a failure this time around. The polls are related to last week’s reference to How I Met Your Mother.

Now that the World Series has come to an end, we officially have no games to report on. Or rather, make fun of cos’ that’s really what we do. We’ll admit that the excitement in this year’s series is the fact that the Cardinals came from behind in game 6 to push a game 7. We love suspenseful 7-game series. Who the hell enjoys a sweep? It’s boring and one-sided. Sort of like when Crash Davis told LaLoosh in Bull Durham, “Don’t try to strike everybody out! Strikeouts are boring! Besides that, they’re fascist! Throw some ground balls – it’s more democratic.” Here’s our problem with the series. Heading into it, both teams had some serious issues with pitching. The Rangers in particular had a combined ERA of over 6. That’s insane. This is supposed to be the best of baseball competing for the trophy. The Rangers had to beat 13 other teams in order to represent the American League and the Cardinals had to beat out 15 others to represent the National League. Having said that, tell us why game 7 involved the Cardinals scoring 6 runs, game 6 had a score of 10-9, and game 3 had a score of 16-7? In one friggin’ game, 23 f*cking runs were scored. WHAT??? Under what circumstances is it okay for a championship team’s pitching staff to give up that much action? That home plate saw more tail than a hooker working the Port Authority. Games 1 and 2 were more on par for what a World Series game should be with the final scores being 3-2 and 2-1 respectively. This series should have been the Tigers and the Brewers and that’s that. It would have been much more entertaining and less of a slugfest.

As promised, we continued our research regarding the MLB post season at MNF. Unfortunately, we only asked two people and we’re not sure this counts because they work at the bar and are technically forced to speak to us. Lisa chronicled their answers in her handy “Memo” feature on her asstastic phone. We’re going to directly quote what she wrote about Adam because this would only be better if she had written it on a cocktail napkin: “Adam is a bartender and he is a huge baseball fan he stull watches.” Yes. We left that typo in on purpose because that’s half the magic of this wonderful entry. That and the total lack of punctuation. Yes, folks. Alcohol WAS involved. Apparently, she did much better with Chris…probably because she had been less drunk when we spoke to him. Chris, if given the choice, would stop watching the playoffs once the Yankees were eliminated. However, since he works at a bar, he was forced to watch all of the games. His father is a Mets fan, so if the Mets had advanced, he would’ve continued watching and cheering for the Mets. Both boys are Yankees fans.

While we failed to further develop our research on this subject, we did manage to research another MLB avenue because as you know, we have ADD and we flit between topics like a bee flits between flowers. Random and with wild abandon. The topic of the evening? What is your ideal lineup? The rules? Active players only, include a 4-man rotation and a closer, add 2 utility players, draw a pretty diamond shape on a paper placemat.

Who was our first target? Why, none other than Adam (who is a bartender)! In all honesty, this only spread as enthusiastically as it did because of him. We did nothing but drink beer and wait for the results to be reported back to us. Adam’s lineup was as follows:

1B A. Gonzalez

2B Cano

3B Longoria

SS Tulowitzki

C Y. Molina

OF Gardner

OF Hamilton

OF J. Upton

P Halladay

P Sabathia

P Verlander

P Lincecum

Closer Rivera

Util Pujols

Util Votto

Interesting story behind how Pujols ended up as a utility player. The man tried putting Pujols in right field because he had “played a few games out there.” Okay. Serena didn’t buy it. Are we going to start calling Jorge Posada a first baseman now? After bickering over this, Adam (who is a bartender) relented and put Upton in the outfield spot and Pujols in utility.

Adam then turned it around on us and Serena had do her own lineup:

1B Morneau (if healthy), otherwise Teixeira

2B Cano

3B C. Jones

SS Tulowitzki

C Mauer

OF Granderson

OF Ellsbury

OF Crawford

P Verlander

P Lincecum

P Halladay

P Hamels

Closer Wilson

Util Thome

Util E. Chavez

Choosing Chipper Jones as her third baseman prompted another argument. Adam also crossed off Crawford (literally. He took his pen and literally crossed Crawford’s name off). Here is why Serena will continue to stand by her choices. For starters, this is our ideal lineup. You can hate on Carl Crawford for his poor performance in Boston this year, but guess what? Prior to this season, Crawford performed in terms of fielding, stolen bases, and at the plate. He’s the complete package. One lousy season with a new team does not change that. Joe Mauer and Brian Wilson may have spent a sh*t ton of time on the DL this season, but that doesn’t change their ability to perform when on the field. Now for the defense of Chipper Jones. Yes, he’s in the twilight of his career, however, that does not change the fact that he’s a clutch performer and still one of the best switch hitters in the game. Look at photos of him batting from the right and left side of the plate. There is hardly a difference between the two swings. Do you know how hard it is to do that? Your dominant side will naturally be the better swing. Jones’ stance and swing are almost a mirror images from both sides. Amazing. Finally, when he DOES retire, Serena can replace him with a young buck worthy of the position like Evan Longoria. BOOM, baby!

Moving on to Mike and Lou who had been sitting at the other end of the bar and got suckered into this game by Adam (who is a bartender). Here’s Lou’s lineup:

1B Fielder

2B Kinsler

3B Beltre

SS H. Ramirez

C McCann

OF Gardner

OF Ellsbury

OF J. Piere

P Verlander

P Halladay

P Sabathia

P Lee

P Carpenter

Closer Rivera

Util

Util

Lou failed to choose utility players and by the time Serena got his lineup, Lou had already left and she was unable to question him on the subject. However, by default he gets us as his utility players. Sorry, Lou. Looks like you’re f*cked cos’ here’s our baseball resume: Serena played college softball and once applied for a job with the Pittsburgh Pirates and never heard back. Lisa’s athletic history is that she was a high school cheerleader, which has nothing to do with baseball. Lisa also enjoys watching baseball from a sofa where she doesn’t have to do anything.

Mike’s lineup:

1B Votto

2B Cano

3B Beltre

SS Castro

C Napoli

OF Kemp

OF Ellsbury

OF J. Upton

P Verlander

P Halladay

P Sabathia

P Kershaw

P F. Hernandez

Closer Krimbel

Util Fielder

Util Pujols

As you can see, both Lou and Mike opted for a 5-man rotation, which we accepted because any manager who has a hard core 5-man rotation is probably the luckiest man in baseball. Besides, we’d rather they stack up their pitching staff and not list 100 first basemen or something stupid like that. The only item on Mike’s list that we question slightly is Krimbel. He’s a rookie and if this is your “ideal” lineup, wouldn’t you want a proven closer? Someone who has been around the block a bit? What if this rookie season was a fluke?

Now…for the real gems. Both of these lineups were done by the same man with a very good sense of humor. Please remember that when you start reading them.

1B McGwire. “Maybe Mattingly”(he didn’t take steroids so that’s an issue)

2B Smith

3B Boggs

SS Ripkin

C Gary Carter

OF B. Williams (you know Serena high-fived that f*cker for this)

OF Barry Bonds (again, very pro-steroids)

OF Canseco (yay for steroids!)

P Clemens (seeing a pattern here?)

P Eckerly

Closer Andy Pettitte

Util Jo

Util Ma

Util Ma

(Read it together now: Jo Mama)

Clearly, he’s operating on a 2-man rotation with this team. Quite bold.  

Lineup Take 2:

1B Fielder

2B Mo Vaughn

3B Ray Lewis

SS Tiki Barber

C Peyton Manning

P Tom Brady

P Matt Ryan

P Mark Sanchez

P Ben Roethlisberger

Closer Albert Pujols

Util Sam Davis

Util Ryan Longwell

He obviously doesn’t need outfielders with this legendary pitching staff. It’s also quite clear that between first base, right field, and the bull pen, Albert Pujols is the most talented man currently playing baseball. Honestly, he might be onto something having Ray Lewis play third. Who in their right mind would want to advance past second with a scary mother f*cker like Ray Lewis standing on third. Dude, take third. You can have it. I don’t need to score any runs.

Speaking of scary mother f*ckers, Happy Halloween, fellow traveling baseball ghouls! Would you like to know what we dressed up as? Tough sh*t, we’re telling you anyway. Say hello to Captain Hook and Mr. Smee!

Don’t we look exactly like them? Like a mirror image, no? Kind of like Chipper Jones batting from both sides of the plate. Just sayin.’

Among our many Halloween activities this weekend, we played Rock Band for the first time. Captain took drums.

Smee got himself a guitar.

We failed miserably. We ended our “Here I Go Again” performance with only 40 fans. In our defense, we had absolutely no idea as to what the hell we were doing and at one point, we were definitely following each other’s chords because Serena distinctly remembers trying to drum to Lisa’s guitar notes like an a$$ clown. Plus, Lisa didn’t realize that she was supposed to “strum” her guitar until Chris #1’s friends sat down to “show us how it was done.” They played some really complicated death metal song at “expert level.” Whatever. Show offs. They weren’t even in costume.

By the way, it’s 1:08 and we’ve had to relocate to the living room in order to watch the Giants/Dolphins game. So...we were a little over confident in our ability to write a blog in 2 hours and 15 minutes. Seeing the time written out like that is kind of depressing.

Before we leave you, we wanted to point out a new edition to our blog. Thanks to repetitious questions, topics, and incidents, we’ve decided to create a “Rules of Engagement” section that addresses the most common of these. Check it out. Leave feedback. Maybe a few suggestions as to what we may have missed. Next week and in the weeks following, we’ll be re-writing and posting our original stadium tours in an effort to deliver a consistent format and story regarding all of our travel-related posts. Next week, we’ll bring back RFK Stadium!

By the way, it’s 1:44 pm.

Kinda, Sort of Related to Baseball

Last week we gave you a blog of nonsense. A brief, yet scary look into our minds. We apologize for this. However, in the midst of a-hole musings, we produced a tiny gem of an idea. Do people continue to watch the MLB postseason after their team has been eliminated? In light of this, we asked what you thought our experiment would bring. You apparently did not have high hopes for this investigation because 4 of 7 of you felt that we’d get nowhere and that we’d probably have some creepy, balding, and married old man hit on us and roofie us. Thank you so much for having confidence in us. To the best of our knowledge, we’ve only been roofied once. Technically, the creeper only roofied Lisa, but Lisa then gave Serena the rest of her beer, roofie-ing Serena as well. There are some who’d say that Serena roofied herself because she couldn’t leave a beer unfinished, but we’re going to stick to the story that Lisa roofied her. Anywho. 3 of you replied that you still watch the postseason even though your team sucks.

Regardless of your opinion, we did do some research during MNF. This is what we discovered:

• Tom, who is a Mets fan, watched the Yankees/Tigers series and once the Yankees were eliminated, watched only the Tigers/Rangers games in which Justin Verlander pitched. He wasn’t interested in the World Series at all, but did recently confess to us that he watched both World Series games.
• Tom’s friend, Uncle Robin, doesn’t watch baseball at all. So that was a waste of an interview. However, he IS a Dolphins fan, so that should tell us a lot about the person we were dealing with here.
• Linda, who is a Yankees fan, is all about the postseason because Albert Pujols is “a hot piece of ass.” We’re not sure what the response would’ve been if the Cardinals hadn’t advanced.
• Big Daddy, who is a Mets fan, continues to watch the postseason and he’s rooting for Texas, which we find a little weird since most National League fans stick to National League teams. However his reasoning is that he hates the Cardinals because of Tony LaRussa. Not sure what his issue is with LaRussa, but ok. Plus, Texas “is known for ice cold beer and good steaks.”
• Laurie, who is also a Mets fan, continues to watch the postseason and is rooting for the Cardinals because they beat the Phillies.
• Colin, who looked like a yeti and is yet another Mets fan, continues to watch, but not passionately. He also doesn’t care which team wins…which sounds kind of boring to us, but whatever floats your boat.
• Richard had an opinion as well, however by the time Serena interviewed him, she had had several beers and was more interested in the plate of wings sitting in front of us, so she forgot to take note of his answer. Obviously, it wasn’t very interesting because she would’ve remembered it otherwise.

We met up Maria and her friend, Ming at Foxwoods this weekend to see Kathy Griffin perform. We had every intention of doing additional research among the mixed New England residents, but here’s what happened instead:

• As usual, alcohol played a huge part.
• We went dancing and were sexually harassed by the drunk Plaid Patrol.
• Lisa lost all of her money on the slots.
• Serena took off her shoes.
• Maria did not hit it big and buy us all mink coats like she said she would.
• We were extremely unsuccessful interviewing the female gender as we were apparently the target of Mean Girl behavior.
• We had no recollection of the research we were actually supposed to conduct until we were half-passed out in the taxi cab heading back to the hotel.

However, the weekend was not an entire waste. We did learn the following:

• Highway McDonald’s do not have $1 Menus. A-holes.
• When the chance arises, Serena will definitely pet a shark.
• Lindsay Lohan baked cupcakes for dead people, which means she is definitely on drugs.
• Big Papi was sighted at Foxwoods, an establishment he apparently frequents often. Lisa thought she spotted him at a craps table, but Serena assured her that there was no way that David Ortiz would be wearing a Red Sox jersey to Foxwoods. It wasn’t even his own jersey.
• There is a secret city beneath Foxwoods that the A-listers use when they arrive at the resort.
• The “loosest slots on Connecticut” are not as loose as the women that hang out at the “nightclubs” in Foxwoods.
• To party at the “nightclubs” in Foxwoods, a woman should wear a dress short enough to expose her vagina and a man should wear plaid.
• At Foxwoods, Lisa is the equivalent to Barney from How I Met Your Mother, but only because she has a gambling problem and Serena is like Robin, except she’s not Canadian. Suit up, ey? In reality, however, if we weren’t at Foxwoods, Serena would still be Robin (or Barney to be quite honest) and Lisa would actually be Ted, constantly searching for her true love.
• The location of Mystic Pizza. Julia Roberts was not there.

Based on our meager sample of polled individuals, it seems that people DO continue to watch the MLB postseason, but don’t really give a sh*t what happens. If we remember, we’ll continue polling people tomorrow at MNF. We’d ask you to email us your thoughts, but that’s a waste of time and effort as you never send us anything.

2011 Championship Series

We’re bringing you a post 1 day early this week because tomorrow, Serena will be walking in the Long Island Making Strides Against Breast Cancer event at Jones Beach with Mamadukes, Auntiedukes, and Aunt Cathy. If interested, you can support their team, Mema’s Lasses (“Mema” is what Serena used to call her grandma) by clicking here. If you enjoy boobies, you should consider supporting. Just sayin.’ Much thanks in advance.

Our ADD is in full effect tonight. It’s not helping that Serena has gotten a new cell phone that plays Star Wars sound effects either. It is 7:00 pm.

The Championship Series are quickly coming to an end. At blogging time, the Rangers lead the ALCS 3-2 and the Cardinals lead the NLCS 3-2 after destroying the Brewers 7-1 last night. Since the opponents haven’t been determined yet, we know you didn’t cheat on our poll. 3 of you felt that the World Series matchup will be between the Brewers and Tigers whereas 2 of you felt that the matchup will take place between the Brewers and the Rangers.

It is 8:42 pm. We’ve made some nice, hot tea. Lisa changed into comfy clothes. The Tigers are winning 2-0. Oh, and Serena posted something to our Twatter account with her new portable internet machine.

While both series have been exciting (being that neither teams have been swept), we can’t help but feel slightly disappointed. Both of us want the Tigers to win the ALCS, but for some reason, they’re struggling. Justin Verlander had an uncharacteristic performance in Game 1, where he appeared either rusty or nervous, which put Detroit in a 1-0 hole at the start. However, facing elimination in Game 5, Verlander returned to his old self and Detroit’s bats came to life. Tonight, the Tigers are hoping to push for a Game 7. If they win, there’s no telling where the cards will fall in Game 7. Who has the staying power? Detroit or Texas? And can’t there be some way to make it so that Verlander just pitches every game?

8:47 pm. Serena giggled because her text message notification went off and it’s been programmed to sound like R2D2.

On the NLCS side, while Lisa feels like the Cardinals are going to take the series, she’d really prefer the Brewers win. Serena is no longer sure what to think. One second the Brewers are dominant and the next, the Cardinals are. It’s like watching a ping pong tournament. It’s been a very emotional experience. She’s begun drinking excessively and eating Taco Bell late at night due to the turmoil…at least, that’s the excuse she’s using for behaving like this. Nevertheless, she too is rooting for the Brewers.

9:02 pm. Lisa gave Serena the idea to download the Jurassic Park theme song, which Serena then set as Brother’s ringtone. And then Lisa convinced her to look up Madagascar and Muppets ringtones. The Rangers are now leading the game 3-2. By the way, what’s with the random cheerleaders running around the field with Texan flags every time a run scores?

9:11 pm. Sorry. Spaced out.

Lisa just walked away from the internet machine in frustration because she’s sick of the playoffs and just wants the World Series to start again. Now she’s complaining that regardless of who wins the World Series, we can’t go to the parade because all of the cities are too far. This blog is now turning into Serena cataloging all of Lisa’s random thoughts.

Serena is also sick of all of her teams playing like a-holes. The Yankees, Giants, Islanders, Tigers Love Pepper…why can’t one team she cares about do a good damn job these days? Even her “back-up plan” teams (Tigers and Brewers) can’t even close the deal.

9:21 pm. Sherzer was just taken out of the game in favor of Schlereth. This game is looking bleak. Like this blog. Texas is winning 5-2. Schlereth needs to shave. Serena might start drinking soon…

Jim Leyland’s also had enough. He’s calling the bullpen and there’s a good chance he’s booking a flight to New York so he can join Serena in hitting up the liquor cabinet.

9:28 pm. F*ck balls. This game is toast. 7-2 and we’re only in the 3^rd inning.

Speaking of ultimate team failure, we couldn’t help but wonder how many of you are actually watching this game right now, not counting legitimate Rangers and Tigers fans. We watch because we like baseball (most of the time, when the MLB isn’t raping our bank accounts) and Serena is most definitely harboring a crush on Verlander, but she’s refused to admit it. Any day now, she’s going to demote Justin Morneau to Future Ex-Husband #3 and promote Verlander to Future Husband. Lisa’s just waiting for Serena to come to terms with this reality.

It’s 9-2. We’re going to go ahead and assume that the Rangers are going to the World Series. At this point, are any Tigers fans still watching this game?

Do fans continue to watch the playoffs after their team’s been eliminated from contention? We think we’re going to conduct an experiment during MNF this week. We’ll get back to you with the results next week. Feel free to email us with your input and thoughts. We know you’re not going to because you never do, yet we continue to be nice and offer this option to you.

It’s 9:36 pm and the inning is finally over. F*ck sakes. Ooooh, Aaron Rodgers is really adorable without his helmet on…

Armed with a new stupid project that excites us (because we’re borderline idiots and Serena has the maturity level of a 5-year old boy), we’re going to end this blog now. In all honesty, we probably should have put it out of its misery several paragraphs ago, but for some reason, we just couldn’t let go.

Peace out, bitches. We had a sick night.

PS- We'll be at Foxwoods again next weekend. Bet you can't wait for that blog, huh?

ALDS 2011 Game 1

Last week, you had Lisa flying solo (unlike Han Solo who flies with Chewbacca) because Serena had to do her adult job by working at the Walk Now for Autism Speaks at Jones Beach. Since we know you’re all dying inside with curiosity, yes.  She did meet Darth Vader and yes. A photo of their blossoming relationship was taken. Photos from the engagement shoot were taken on the Death Star...which is way more interesting than an engagement shoot done at a baseball stadium. But that’s just two women’s opinion. Will post photos at a later date. Stay tuned. You’ll love them.

ANYHOO, time for poll results, which we suspect you cheated on because we got a sudden upsurge of response after certain teams were eliminated from playoff contention. Lisa asked who you thought would go to the World Series. 1 person voted for the Yankees (probably before the offense took a crap and failed miserably to do its job) and 1 person chose the Tigers. Again, did you choose this immediately following the Yankees’ offense taking a crap? You’re probably envisioning riding the Verlander ship all the way into the October Classic. We can’t say that we blame you. 2 people voted for the Phillies, which was to be expected. What wasn’t expected was that more people didn’t vote for the Phillies, which pretty much proves that you cheated as is the fact that 5 of you voted for the Brewers. C’mon. Seriously. If the Phillies had advanced, are you really going to sit there and tell us that you believed the Brewers were going to defeat them? Lies. Naturally, 3 of you voted for the a-hole choice and that was us. Us being the TBB. We know that we joke a lot that we can pitch better than certain team’s bullpens, but that doesn’t mean we should try. Rays, Rangers, Diamondbacks, and Cardinals all got a fat goose egg. Looks like we all experienced our own ballet here. A ballet of disappointment.

As you may recall, we were super excited to score tickets to Game 1 of the ALDS. Game 1 featured a matchup between CC Sabathia and Justin Verlander. Golden. This was going to be magic. Of course, it was too easy. As usual with Yankees games these days, we took the train to the game on the eve of September 30^th. We arrived with plenty of time to grab a bite to eat at the Southern BBQ stand on the main level. Both of us ordered a pulled pork sandwich. Remembering how much we enjoyed the stadium’s French fries, we decided to order a side of fries. Lisa ordered a small size like a lady and since Serena was hungry, loves fries, and apparently didn’t remember what the sizes looked like, over-eagerly ordered a large. Upon receiving the enormous cup of fries, Serena remembered why her stomach hurt so much the last time she ordered them. It’s just too much! And yes! Too many fries really is possible!!! Lisa’s order came to $16.50 and Serena’s was $18.50. Had we known what was to go down later in the evening, we would’ve second guessed these pricy decisions.

After we polished off everything (Serena insisted on finishing the fries because they were so expensive despite the fact that her stomach felt terrible), we hurried to our seats to catch the opening ceremony. First, the team lineups.

Next, the national anthem.

Finally, the ceremonial first pitch thrown by Mariano Rivera to Jorge Posada. This was weird to us. We see this all the time. Why were they chosen to do this? We expected an old-timer Yankee or a cancer kid. Maybe a member of the FDNY or NYPD?

At last, CC Sabathia took the mound and the game got underway. Sabathia was on like Donkey Kong. He struck out the first two batters before giving up a solo shot to Delmon Young.

In the bottom of the 1^st, Justin Verlander took the mound. Serena took like 5 stupid photos as if they’d come out awesome with our seats being a million miles away in a galaxy far, far away.

Derek Jeter led off the inning with a single. Verlander walked Curtis Granderson, but got Robinson Cano to ground out, advancing Jeter and Granderson to 2^nd and 3^rd. Alex Rodriguez registered the second out at first, but Jeter scored on the play. Sabathia would return to the mound amid a downpour.

As you can see, the rich folks were already acting like chicken sh*ts and running for cover.

He finished the inning, but following the third out, the umpires called for the tarp.

Of course, like we said earlier. Everything had been too damn easy. The TBB were in yet another rain delay. We’re starting to think a black cloud just follows us around. It was 9:10 pm.

While rich people with high-priced seats clamored into our section for protection (kudos for our usher who didn’t them into the section without correct tickets…how does it feel, rich a-holes who consistently deny us entry even when you don’t bother showing up to the game???), we were nice and dry.

Lisa surfed her BlackBerry and inspected her nails to pass the time while we waited. Keep in mind, Serena had to be at work the next day to set up for Sunday’s walk.

At 9:45 pm, the tarps came off the field. We think we might have high-fived in response.

In a matter of minutes (3 to be exact), the sky opened up again and the tarps came back on.

And boy, did the rain come down.

The game was finally called at 10:24 pm. It took us an hour to walk from our seats to the subway platform because the crowd was so dense and slow moving. We wished we had taken a picture of the scene in the subway station for you because the amount of people sandwiched between the station’s entrance and the turnstile definitely violated fire code.

Now we had a new dilemma. The game would resume the following night at 8:30 pm. Serena had to be at Jones Beach by 6:00 am for the Autism Speaks walk. Also, we were broke. There was no way we could afford to buy food at the game the following night. Of course. It had been way too easy.

Saturday, October 1^st. Since we could waste time dealing with a crowd and the subway station, we were forced to drive into Yankees Stadium for the first time in 2 years. In route, Lisa tried to snap a photo as we passed Citi Field.

Upon arriving at the parking garage, we remembered why we stopped driving to the stadium. Parking cost $45. Awesome. Nevertheless, we remained upbeat about the upcoming game. Since we arrived earlier than the subway ever would’ve gotten us there, we stopped into the Yankees Museum again. New additions included the 2009 World Series ring created by Tiffany’s…

…and the 2009 World Series trophy (displayed in the same case as the jersey worn by Derek Jeter when he hit his 3,000^th hit…cos’ that makes total sense being that they happened in the same year and all…WTF?)

As we stepped out of the museum, we got a good glimpse of the Hall of Legends (As you can see, despite the early time, a lot of people were already arriving):

Before heading to our seats for the second time in two nights, we decided to check out the team store on the main level for new stuff to play with. Lisa found these creeptastic dolls of Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, and Mark Texeira. Can you guess which is which?

Finally, we headed for our seats to eat dinner. Who is ready for Game 1 Take 2?

Since we had no extra money (a situation the parking fee exacerbated), we were forced to do a recession dinner. Behold 2 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches each, 2 bags of Cheez-Its, and 2 bags of pretzel Goldfish.

The game literally resumed where it left off in the bottom of the 2^nd. No replay of the opening ceremonies or anything like that.

Doug Fister took the mound for the Tigers and Jorge Posada led things off with a single to right field. Despite the promising start, the inning closed with the score remaining 1-1. The Champagne Super Nova took the mound for the Yankees and we couldn’t help but feel bitter that we weren’t getting the pitching matchup we’d been promised. However, Serena enjoyed singing the Oasis song.

Nothing really happened until the 5^th when Robinson Cano hit a home run and then it was ruled a double. Score 2-1. We still don’t know exactly what happened because the jumbotron didn’t show the replay, but the fans in our section were quite displeased.

This is what initial joy looks like:

Eventual disappointment:

In the top of the 6^th, Lisa decided she couldn’t take the cold anymore and went for a hot chocolate run. She paid $4.50 for something that turned lukewarm by the time she returned to her seat. In the top of the 6^th, 2 runs score on a double hit by Brett Gardner. Both Jeter and Granderson got on base to load the bases for Robinson Cano. Lisa turned to Serena and said, “Grand salami.” Sure enough, Cano launched one over the wall, making the score 8-1.

No visit to Yankees Stadium would be complete without witnessing the 7^th inning YMCA. While the grounds crew did their thing, our section did this:

By the way, see that kid to the left in that terrible sweatshirt? He was super annoying. Allow us to tell you why. He chose to sit in front of Serena while his father sat in the row in the section to the left of us. Apparently, his father thought it was really funny that his son (who definitely needs to be put on Ritalin or something stronger) continued to hit Serena with his head (because he wasn’t paying attention to where his head was while head banging) and flailing arms (because that’s how he danced) and spent more time blocking our view of the game (because of his jumping, flailing arm dance moves) than actually sitting and enjoying the sport of baseball. Listen, good ole’ dad. We understand why you didn’t want to sit with your annoying son, but guess what? He’s your kid and your cross to bear, not ours. You’re stuck with him. Not to mention that he is entirely too young to be sitting at a sporting event surrounded by drunk and potentially violent men without a parental figure. At some point, Serena snapped and she couldn’t take it anymore.

She slouched low in her seat, put her feet on the back of the kid’s seat (which wasn’t his actual seat, remember?), and inched her knees forward so that on the rare occasions he sat down, he had her feet in his back and knees against his head. It was a small, yet satisfying victory.

In the bottom of the 8^th, it became clear that this was the Cano show. With Jeter on base, Cano hit another RBI double, making the score 9-1. In the bottom of the 9^th, things got a little scary, but the Yankees held on and the final score was 9-3. At the end of the game, we ran to the car to get on the road as quickly as possible since Serena had to be up in a few hours for work.

Since this post is a little late, by this time we’re all aware that the Yankees lost the series to the Tigers in Game 5. We’re not going to spend a huge chunk of time on discussing the Division Series, but it should be said that since the loss, fans and media having been screaming for the heads of Alex Rodriguez, Mark Texeira, and Nick Swisher. Folks, Rodriguez, Texeira, and Swisher aren’t the only men on that team that sucked hard at the plate. What about Jeter? God forbid we should say something bad about New York’s personal Jesus. He did absolutely nothing on offense all series. So why aren’t we screaming for his head? The only players that did anything consistently at the plate were Gardner and Cano. Therefore, Cano and Gardner should get cookies for their good work while the rest of the lineup should be given the same amount of sh*t as Rodriguez, Texeira, and Swisher are getting. Granted, Swisher hasn’t really produced effectively all season, so we can kind of understand people’s frustration with him, but Rodriguez and Tex? Really? When Rodriguez was healthy this season, he did his job as did Tex, so shut up and eat it. We’d rather have two players like them on our team that put effort into every single game they play in over a selfish player who doesn’t give a sh*t anymore. No one can say that they’ve ever seen Rodriguez and Tex not put forth effort on the field. They do. And you know what? So does Swisher, which is why he can be forgiven for his uselessness at the plate. If you’re going to hang someone for this loss, hang the entire team.

TBB World Series predictions: Tigers and Lisa’s taking the Cardinals while Serena’s going with the Brewers. Cardinals have momentum, but the Brewers have the 2 BB’s: Bratwurst and Braun. What, what, bitches!

Lastly, we’re closing crap out with a kick a$$ Taco Bell commercial featuring Brian Wilson…cos’ we’re black ops!!!

Use the Force for Good!

I am just a lonely co-pilot today. Captain Serena is off working the Autism Speaks walk at Jones Beach today. There she is helping to raise lots of money and awareness for a great cause as well as stalking Star Wars storm troopers and jumping on jump jumps. They are so conveniently part of the entertainment for today’s event. I wonder who was in charge of hiring them. Mhmmmmmmmm! In the fine words of your brother “Serena your five”! I too helped out for the Autism Speaks foundation by being the honorary bagel delivery girl! My car now has the tantalizing scent of garlic from picking up 5 large garbage bags of bagels that was so nicely donated from Town bagel of Bellmore and Plainview for the walk. I wish Autism Speaks lots of luck on the walk today!!

Moving onto our poll results. Glad to see there is only one a**hat among the voters last week. We had asked you minions “Who had celebrated victory better? Six of you voted for “The Diamondbacks were so dull it makes me think the entire roster is bad in the sack” We agree! Not to be dirty birds but shaking a champagne bottle is the same motion as well…. You do the movement and let me know what it reminds you of. Go ahead do it now I’ll wait… Now that we all have perverted thoughts in our heads we can go on. If that’s a glimpse of what’s going down in the boudoir then it’s true you all must be bad in the sack. One malicious person voted for “The TBB are stupid. Go Diamondbacks!” Well we think you’re stupid AND were pretty sure you’re probably bad in the sack. You seem to be taking out your sexual frustrations on two innocent females. I mean c’mon did you see our Epic photo. If that photo does not scream celebration then I don’t know what does. We are too legit too legit to quit. Shakalaka Shakalaka !

Baseball Notes:

Jose Reyes needs a lesson in baseball etiquette. On Wednesday at the last NY Mets game of the season Reyes bunted the second pitch he got in the first inning once he was safe at first he then took himself out of the game. This sneaky move basically won him the Nl batting title as well as the first batting title for the NY Mets team. Reyes was up against Milwaukee Brewers Ryan Braun who would have had to have gotten 3 hits on Wednesday night and sadly went 0-4. It was reported that fans booed Reyes which I could not agree more. Fans pay a lot of money to go to these games and to even hope to witness something special and you pull that bullsh*t. This is why it makes it so hard for me to be a fan of you again. Who are you Reyes? I feel like I don’t even know you anymore.
When Reyes was asked about his covert operation he was quoted as saying this- “They have to understand what's going on," Reyes said. "They have to feel happy if I win the batting title. I do it for the team and for the fans, too” No you did not do it for the fans. I am pretty confident that most Mets fans like me could careless if a Mets player took the NL batting title. I would much rather see hmmm… I don’t know maybe a miraculous appearance in the playoffs and for the team to win the NL East Division again. Let’s not kid ourselves Jose you did it so that you could get more money from hopefully some other team next season now that you have this lame title under your belt. Don’t use us poor fans as an excuse for your poor sportsmanship! I am making Ryan Braun Super Hero of the week for when he was asked about the situation he was extremely classy about it something Jose Reyes knows nothing about!

Besides buntgate happening on Wednesday. Wednesday night proved to be quit the entertaining night. Many baseball fans eagerly waited to see the playoff matchups with both Wild Card division titles still up for grabs. The St Louis Cardinals would go ahead and lay the smack down on the Houston Astros winning 8-0. The Cardinals eagerly awaited the results of the Braves vs Phillies matchup. A Braves lost would send Albert and the boys on there merry way to the playoffs and that is precisely what had happened. Atlanta lost 4-3 to Philadelphia in 13 innings. Speaking of Extra innings the Rays were battling it out with the Yankees while Boston went on and lost to the last place Baltimore Orioles. Boston’s only hope was ironically to root on their arch nemesis the Yankees for a Tampa Bay loss would cause a one game Wild Card playoff between them to decide the AL Wild Card winner.

As we all know since it is Sunday and the playoffs are happening as we speak that did not happen. Evan Longoria crashed Boston’s pipe dream when he hit a walk off homer. I am so happy that for once it was not the NY Mets that CHOKED this year! They took themselves out as early as opening day so I was well prepared for failure this year. Feel my pain Braves and Red Sox fans. Doesn’t feel so good does it? So ladies and gents our first round playoff match ups are as followed.

Tigers vs Yankees

Rays vs Rangers

Diamondbacks vs Brewers

St Louis vs Phillies

On Thursday it was announced that the Chicago White Soxs have parted ways with manager Ozzie Guillen by trading him to the Florida Marlins for two minor Leaguers Jhan Marinez and Osvaldo Martinez. Marinez, a 23-year-old right-hander, finished the season in Double-A Jacksonville. He went 3-8 with a 3.57 ERA and three saves in 56 games. He struck out 74 and walked 42 in 58 innings. Martinez, a 23-year-old shortstop, hit .245 with three homers and 26 RBIs in 88 games with Triple-A New Orleans this year. I had no clue you could trade a manager. If I knew this I would of so tried to talk the Mets into trading Jerry Manuel for some little league players.

Terry Francona manger of the Boston Red Sox who led the club to its first two World Series championships since 1918 will not be returning next season. Francona said multiple times it was his decision not to return. The Red Sox held option years for Francona for the next two seasons, and had until Oct. 8 to decide to pick up the 2012 pact, which would have paid him $4.25 million. Francona met with general manager Theo Epstein on Thursday which just so happened to be the day after the Red Sox managed to blow a 9 game lead in the standings in September and not make it to the post season. Now that’s an Epic collapse!! I’m thinking that’s far worse then any Mets collapse I had to deal with. Francona was asked if he would consider improving some of his techniques, rather than stepping down. He indicated that one reason he didn't do that is because he didn't know if ownership was as much behind him as in years past. Farewell Francona I wish you well!

Exciting news is that the TBB attended game 1 of the Yankees vs Tigers game not once but twice. Due to the Asstastic weather in New York our game was postponed and we had to trug on out to the boogie down Bronx again on Saturday night. Keep your eyes peeled for that post!

So as of Saturday night here are the teams that have taken the lead. The Yankees took game one last night against the Tigers. The Rays and Rangers are now tied after playing game two. St Louis disappointed me losing to the Fugly Phillies. Phillies lead 1-0. The Brewers won last night and lead the series against the Diamondbacks.

Late breaking news here! I got a text from Serena that Darth Vader is at the Autism Speaks walk at Jones beach! Go get Darth Serena! Use the force!

That’s all folks enjoy October baseball!!!

-Lisa