As you may have realized based on our title that we are blogging from the comforts of Serena’s bed brought to us by the glory that is Egyptian cotton comforter. We’re confident that we will finish this blog post by kickoff. At least…that is the mission we’ve chosen to accept at this time. Last week, as we closed in on the final games of the World Series and the official end of the baseball season, we asked if you’d continuing reading our blog after it was all over. The results were…astonishing. 3 of you would keep reading if one of us showed you our boobs. On what planet did you think we’d actually show you nipple? Be serious. You didn’t think that one through, did you? You saw the word “boob” and got so excited that you went, “YES” and picked that option. We are clearly dealing with a pack of perverts here. 3 said that you would continue reading because you are “following us so that you can roofie us.” We don’t even know what to say. 2 of you were kind enough to choose, “Yes, because while I think this blog has absolutely no relevance on anyone’s day to day life, it’s quite well-written and it makes me giggle.” Why thank you. We make ourselves giggle on a daily basis. If only we had a cameraman following us around and documenting our every move, you’d be in for a real treat. This week, you’re getting 2 polls as one pertains to Lisa and the other pertains to Serena. Please vote on both. The last time we gave you two polls (one for the American League and one for the National League), you sucked hard. Please try not to be such a failure this time around. The polls are related to last week’s reference to How I Met Your Mother.
Now that the World Series has come to an end, we officially have no games to report on. Or rather, make fun of cos’ that’s really what we do. We’ll admit that the excitement in this year’s series is the fact that the Cardinals came from behind in game 6 to push a game 7. We love suspenseful 7-game series. Who the hell enjoys a sweep? It’s boring and one-sided. Sort of like when Crash Davis told LaLoosh in Bull Durham, “Don’t try to strike everybody out! Strikeouts are boring! Besides that, they’re fascist! Throw some ground balls – it’s more democratic.” Here’s our problem with the series. Heading into it, both teams had some serious issues with pitching. The Rangers in particular had a combined ERA of over 6. That’s insane. This is supposed to be the best of baseball competing for the trophy. The Rangers had to beat 13 other teams in order to represent the American League and the Cardinals had to beat out 15 others to represent the National League. Having said that, tell us why game 7 involved the Cardinals scoring 6 runs, game 6 had a score of 10-9, and game 3 had a score of 16-7? In one friggin’ game, 23 f*cking runs were scored. WHAT??? Under what circumstances is it okay for a championship team’s pitching staff to give up that much action? That home plate saw more tail than a hooker working the Port Authority. Games 1 and 2 were more on par for what a World Series game should be with the final scores being 3-2 and 2-1 respectively. This series should have been the Tigers and the Brewers and that’s that. It would have been much more entertaining and less of a slugfest.
As promised, we continued our research regarding the MLB post season at MNF. Unfortunately, we only asked two people and we’re not sure this counts because they work at the bar and are technically forced to speak to us. Lisa chronicled their answers in her handy “Memo” feature on her asstastic phone. We’re going to directly quote what she wrote about Adam because this would only be better if she had written it on a cocktail napkin: “Adam is a bartender and he is a huge baseball fan he stull watches.” Yes. We left that typo in on purpose because that’s half the magic of this wonderful entry. That and the total lack of punctuation. Yes, folks. Alcohol WAS involved. Apparently, she did much better with Chris…probably because she had been less drunk when we spoke to him. Chris, if given the choice, would stop watching the playoffs once the Yankees were eliminated. However, since he works at a bar, he was forced to watch all of the games. His father is a Mets fan, so if the Mets had advanced, he would’ve continued watching and cheering for the Mets. Both boys are Yankees fans.
While we failed to further develop our research on this subject, we did manage to research another MLB avenue because as you know, we have ADD and we flit between topics like a bee flits between flowers. Random and with wild abandon. The topic of the evening? What is your ideal lineup? The rules? Active players only, include a 4-man rotation and a closer, add 2 utility players, draw a pretty diamond shape on a paper placemat.
Who was our first target? Why, none other than Adam (who is a bartender)! In all honesty, this only spread as enthusiastically as it did because of him. We did nothing but drink beer and wait for the results to be reported back to us. Adam’s lineup was as follows:
1B A. Gonzalez
C Y. Molina
OF J. Upton
Interesting story behind how Pujols ended up as a utility player. The man tried putting Pujols in right field because he had “played a few games out there.” Okay. Serena didn’t buy it. Are we going to start calling Jorge Posada a first baseman now? After bickering over this, Adam (who is a bartender) relented and put Upton in the outfield spot and Pujols in utility.
Adam then turned it around on us and Serena had do her own lineup:
1B Morneau (if healthy), otherwise Teixeira
3B C. Jones
Util E. Chavez
Choosing Chipper Jones as her third baseman prompted another argument. Adam also crossed off Crawford (literally. He took his pen and literally crossed Crawford’s name off). Here is why Serena will continue to stand by her choices. For starters, this is our ideal lineup. You can hate on Carl Crawford for his poor performance in Boston this year, but guess what? Prior to this season, Crawford performed in terms of fielding, stolen bases, and at the plate. He’s the complete package. One lousy season with a new team does not change that. Joe Mauer and Brian Wilson may have spent a sh*t ton of time on the DL this season, but that doesn’t change their ability to perform when on the field. Now for the defense of Chipper Jones. Yes, he’s in the twilight of his career, however, that does not change the fact that he’s a clutch performer and still one of the best switch hitters in the game. Look at photos of him batting from the right and left side of the plate. There is hardly a difference between the two swings. Do you know how hard it is to do that? Your dominant side will naturally be the better swing. Jones’ stance and swing are almost a mirror images from both sides. Amazing. Finally, when he DOES retire, Serena can replace him with a young buck worthy of the position like Evan Longoria. BOOM, baby!
Moving on to Mike and Lou who had been sitting at the other end of the bar and got suckered into this game by Adam (who is a bartender). Here’s Lou’s lineup:
SS H. Ramirez
OF J. Piere
Lou failed to choose utility players and by the time Serena got his lineup, Lou had already left and she was unable to question him on the subject. However, by default he gets us as his utility players. Sorry, Lou. Looks like you’re f*cked cos’ here’s our baseball resume: Serena played college softball and once applied for a job with the Pittsburgh Pirates and never heard back. Lisa’s athletic history is that she was a high school cheerleader, which has nothing to do with baseball. Lisa also enjoys watching baseball from a sofa where she doesn’t have to do anything.
OF J. Upton
P F. Hernandez
As you can see, both Lou and Mike opted for a 5-man rotation, which we accepted because any manager who has a hard core 5-man rotation is probably the luckiest man in baseball. Besides, we’d rather they stack up their pitching staff and not list 100 first basemen or something stupid like that. The only item on Mike’s list that we question slightly is Krimbel. He’s a rookie and if this is your “ideal” lineup, wouldn’t you want a proven closer? Someone who has been around the block a bit? What if this rookie season was a fluke?
Now…for the real gems. Both of these lineups were done by the same man with a very good sense of humor. Please remember that when you start reading them.
1B McGwire. “Maybe Mattingly”(he didn’t take steroids so that’s an issue)
C Gary Carter
OF B. Williams (you know Serena high-fived that f*cker for this)
OF Barry Bonds (again, very pro-steroids)
OF Canseco (yay for steroids!)
P Clemens (seeing a pattern here?)
Closer Andy Pettitte
(Read it together now: Jo Mama)
Clearly, he’s operating on a 2-man rotation with this team. Quite bold.
Lineup Take 2:
2B Mo Vaughn
3B Ray Lewis
SS Tiki Barber
C Peyton Manning
P Tom Brady
P Matt Ryan
P Mark Sanchez
P Ben Roethlisberger
Closer Albert Pujols
Util Sam Davis
Util Ryan Longwell
He obviously doesn’t need outfielders with this legendary pitching staff. It’s also quite clear that between first base, right field, and the bull pen, Albert Pujols is the most talented man currently playing baseball. Honestly, he might be onto something having Ray Lewis play third. Who in their right mind would want to advance past second with a scary mother f*cker like Ray Lewis standing on third. Dude, take third. You can have it. I don’t need to score any runs.
Speaking of scary mother f*ckers, Happy Halloween, fellow traveling baseball ghouls! Would you like to know what we dressed up as? Tough sh*t, we’re telling you anyway. Say hello to Captain Hook and Mr. Smee!Don’t we look exactly like them? Like a mirror image, no? Kind of like Chipper Jones batting from both sides of the plate. Just sayin.’
Among our many Halloween activities this weekend, we played Rock Band for the first time. Captain took drums.
Smee got himself a guitar.
We failed miserably. We ended our “Here I Go Again” performance with only 40 fans. In our defense, we had absolutely no idea as to what the hell we were doing and at one point, we were definitely following each other’s chords because Serena distinctly remembers trying to drum to Lisa’s guitar notes like an a$$ clown. Plus, Lisa didn’t realize that she was supposed to “strum” her guitar until Chris #1’s friends sat down to “show us how it was done.” They played some really complicated death metal song at “expert level.” Whatever. Show offs. They weren’t even in costume.
By the way, it’s 1:08 and we’ve had to relocate to the living room in order to watch the Giants/Dolphins game. So...we were a little over confident in our ability to write a blog in 2 hours and 15 minutes. Seeing the time written out like that is kind of depressing.
Before we leave you, we wanted to point out a new edition to our blog. Thanks to repetitious questions, topics, and incidents, we’ve decided to create a “Rules of Engagement” section that addresses the most common of these. Check it out. Leave feedback. Maybe a few suggestions as to what we may have missed. Next week and in the weeks following, we’ll be re-writing and posting our original stadium tours in an effort to deliver a consistent format and story regarding all of our travel-related posts. Next week, we’ll bring back RFK Stadium!
By the way, it’s 1:44 pm.