Our List of Demands

For starters, allow us to apologize for our absence. It's kind of not our fault. Life has gotten in the way. Serena works Sundays, which ruins our leisurely blogging experience.

However, we've returned to you this weekend with a delightful little topic known as, "If we were to hold a ball ransom, this is what we'd ask for." You might be asking yourself, "where is this coming from?" Since, as we've been told hundreds of times by other sports teams' fans, no one cares about New York except New Yorkers, you may not have heard the news that Alex Rodriguez hit his 3,000th hit yesterday. Zack Hample, the fan who caught the ball, won't give it back to Alex. Before we get into the important topic that we'd rather discuss (and that topic is US, what WE want, and what makes US happy), allow us to spend some time making fun of the a-hole in the video we just hyperlinked to.

First and foremost, what's with the hat? Yes, it's a nit picky thing and maybe we're being a touch Mean Girls about this, but we stand by the question. Who goes to a sporting event advertising the league as opposed to a team unless they work for the league? What a d*ck. Also, eat a bacon cheeseburger, dude. You're quite slight.

Secondly, this man sounds like a woman on the rag. "This is about what I want to do with the ball, what makes me happy, what makes me feel good..." Okay, stop. You whiny little bitch. Who are you? You didn't hit the ball. It's not a symbol of your career. Regardless of your feelings regarding Alex Rodriguez, his ethics, history, or his pay check, it is still not your career. Is it cool to confiscate Meryl Streep's Academy Awards? How would you feel if someone decided to hold your 4th Edition Quests hostage? The quests that you won fair and square at the Dungeons and Dragons Championship Series? You probably would've feel so great. You'd probably cry in your bowl of Fruit Loops while wearing your Star Trek footie pajamas.

Thirdly, he needs to stop making this milestone about him. He's like the chick that shows up to someone else's wedding in a white dress. He's a thunder stealer.You caught the ball and that's very exciting. We're happy for you. You had your moment. You were on TV. Congrats. Now just give Alex his ball back.

Of course, we aren't telling you to give it back for free. You're entitled to prizes just like you are when you win your Dungeon and Dragons tournaments. In this case, the prizes are given by the New York Yankees, not the Class 5 Dungeon Wizard Masters or whatever the hell they're called.

If WE had caught the infamous ball, we would provide this simple list of demands that we'd require be met in order for us to part ways with the ball. Also, this contract would be negotiated and settled upon prior to departing the Stadium. The ball would not leave the Stadium with us. That's how you get jumped. Look at you. You're a sissy. You clearly can't defend yourself. Someone bigger and stronger (roughly Serena's size) will give you a wedgie, stuff you in a locker, and take your ball away.

1. We're going to need season tickets in the leather seats for life. Should a member of the TBB die, the surviving member reserves the right to choose the individual that inherits the extra ticket.
2. Also, free food and booze. For life. See above for what happens should one of us kick the bucket.
3. A town car to take us to and from the games so we don't have to worry about drunk driving.
4. We have a list of players that we're going to need meetings with...including non-Yankees.
5. We want our own World Series rings. We feel like we've earned it.
6. A special Golden Glove Award. Since we're talented athletes that can field important home runs like this one, we believe strongly that we deserve it. In fact, we'll go so far as to say that we're better athletes than Derek Jeter. That's right. You heard it here.
7. Building on our last demand, since we're more special than Derek Jeter, we belong in the Yankees' museum. More specifically, busts of our asstastic faces.
8. We get to pick the music the players come to the plate to. For life. See above for what happens when one of us dies.
9. We will henceforth be in charge of determining the free giveaways each season because there have been some questionable decisions made in the past and it needs to end. Also, we will take on this role for life. See above for what happens when one of us dies.
10. Lisa gets to close one game of her choosing. It can be any game that she wants, including season-deciding games and the postseason.
11. We get our own special float during all future World Series parades. Our float must be driven by Derek Jeter and his shiny bald head. Should Derek Jeter die before us, we request David Wright be our driver. Should David Wright kill himself upon hearing this news, we request Jon Bon Jovi.
12. We reserve the right to call the bullpen anytime we see fit. This capability should be able to be performed via our cell phones from our seats because we're lazy and do not want to have to keep walking to the dugout to the use the phone. Also, our decision overrules that of the team's manager. Always.
13. We get to sing the National Anthem during Opening Day each season. If you follow our Instagram account (@travelingbbabes), you would've seen some of our choice musical videos and you know that this can be terrifying, but oh so glorious.
14. Serena will be assigned to Carlos Beltran as his personal trainer because it looks like he's getting fat. He will not enjoy these training sessions.
15. Free access to the Yankees' WiFi so that we can easily upload our stupid photos to our social media accounts. Also, we're going to need full access to your social media accounts. Thanks. Kisses.
16. Our names need to be added to the Stadium's name somewhere. We'll leave it up to your discretion as to how and where because we're not picky, but at some point, "Traveling Baseball Babes" need to be in the title.
17. We each want the light up pen free giveaway from the Yankees/Red Sox game in 2007. We missed the free giveaway due to holiday traffic and we want it. Give it to us. We know you probably have extras stored somewhere.
18. Pay off Serena's college loan.
19. We require that one of the streets leading up to the Stadium be renamed to Traveling Baseball Babes Way. If this is not possible, we will settle for a bar named after us. Of course, since it's our bar, we get free drinks. For life.
20. We get our own special day each season. Similar to Irish Heritage Night, only it's to celebrate us. The free giveaway shall be a bobblehead of us.

Kinda, Sort of Related to Baseball

Last week we gave you a blog of nonsense. A brief, yet scary look into our minds. We apologize for this. However, in the midst of a-hole musings, we produced a tiny gem of an idea. Do people continue to watch the MLB postseason after their team has been eliminated? In light of this, we asked what you thought our experiment would bring. You apparently did not have high hopes for this investigation because 4 of 7 of you felt that we’d get nowhere and that we’d probably have some creepy, balding, and married old man hit on us and roofie us. Thank you so much for having confidence in us. To the best of our knowledge, we’ve only been roofied once. Technically, the creeper only roofied Lisa, but Lisa then gave Serena the rest of her beer, roofie-ing Serena as well. There are some who’d say that Serena roofied herself because she couldn’t leave a beer unfinished, but we’re going to stick to the story that Lisa roofied her. Anywho. 3 of you replied that you still watch the postseason even though your team sucks.

Regardless of your opinion, we did do some research during MNF. This is what we discovered:

• Tom, who is a Mets fan, watched the Yankees/Tigers series and once the Yankees were eliminated, watched only the Tigers/Rangers games in which Justin Verlander pitched. He wasn’t interested in the World Series at all, but did recently confess to us that he watched both World Series games.
• Tom’s friend, Uncle Robin, doesn’t watch baseball at all. So that was a waste of an interview. However, he IS a Dolphins fan, so that should tell us a lot about the person we were dealing with here.
• Linda, who is a Yankees fan, is all about the postseason because Albert Pujols is “a hot piece of ass.” We’re not sure what the response would’ve been if the Cardinals hadn’t advanced.
• Big Daddy, who is a Mets fan, continues to watch the postseason and he’s rooting for Texas, which we find a little weird since most National League fans stick to National League teams. However his reasoning is that he hates the Cardinals because of Tony LaRussa. Not sure what his issue is with LaRussa, but ok. Plus, Texas “is known for ice cold beer and good steaks.”
• Laurie, who is also a Mets fan, continues to watch the postseason and is rooting for the Cardinals because they beat the Phillies.
• Colin, who looked like a yeti and is yet another Mets fan, continues to watch, but not passionately. He also doesn’t care which team wins…which sounds kind of boring to us, but whatever floats your boat.
• Richard had an opinion as well, however by the time Serena interviewed him, she had had several beers and was more interested in the plate of wings sitting in front of us, so she forgot to take note of his answer. Obviously, it wasn’t very interesting because she would’ve remembered it otherwise.

We met up Maria and her friend, Ming at Foxwoods this weekend to see Kathy Griffin perform. We had every intention of doing additional research among the mixed New England residents, but here’s what happened instead:

• As usual, alcohol played a huge part.
• We went dancing and were sexually harassed by the drunk Plaid Patrol.
• Lisa lost all of her money on the slots.
• Serena took off her shoes.
• Maria did not hit it big and buy us all mink coats like she said she would.
• We were extremely unsuccessful interviewing the female gender as we were apparently the target of Mean Girl behavior.
• We had no recollection of the research we were actually supposed to conduct until we were half-passed out in the taxi cab heading back to the hotel.

However, the weekend was not an entire waste. We did learn the following:

• Highway McDonald’s do not have $1 Menus. A-holes.
• When the chance arises, Serena will definitely pet a shark.
• Lindsay Lohan baked cupcakes for dead people, which means she is definitely on drugs.
• Big Papi was sighted at Foxwoods, an establishment he apparently frequents often. Lisa thought she spotted him at a craps table, but Serena assured her that there was no way that David Ortiz would be wearing a Red Sox jersey to Foxwoods. It wasn’t even his own jersey.
• There is a secret city beneath Foxwoods that the A-listers use when they arrive at the resort.
• The “loosest slots on Connecticut” are not as loose as the women that hang out at the “nightclubs” in Foxwoods.
• To party at the “nightclubs” in Foxwoods, a woman should wear a dress short enough to expose her vagina and a man should wear plaid.
• At Foxwoods, Lisa is the equivalent to Barney from How I Met Your Mother, but only because she has a gambling problem and Serena is like Robin, except she’s not Canadian. Suit up, ey? In reality, however, if we weren’t at Foxwoods, Serena would still be Robin (or Barney to be quite honest) and Lisa would actually be Ted, constantly searching for her true love.
• The location of Mystic Pizza. Julia Roberts was not there.

Based on our meager sample of polled individuals, it seems that people DO continue to watch the MLB postseason, but don’t really give a sh*t what happens. If we remember, we’ll continue polling people tomorrow at MNF. We’d ask you to email us your thoughts, but that’s a waste of time and effort as you never send us anything.