So you morons asked for more video footage of us. We've acknowledged this request and acquiesced. Probably not the best decision of our lives, yet here we are. Before we give you this atrocity, we thought you'd might like a brief recap of what went down after we left you on St. Patrick's Day:
- We bring Baby J to a parade in Farmingdale that lasts a total of 20 minutes. We steal a balloon for him. Before the age of 2, Baby J becomes an accessory to theft thanks to us.
- After the brief, pathetic parade that included a rapist leprechaun and a ginger moustache on a fire truck, we bring Baby J to a bar to eat wings and to start our binge drinking. We're very responsible adults. We each have 3 beers.
- Bar #2 (Baby J's parents take Baby J home for a nap). 1 beer each. Creepy crowd. We leave.
- At Bar #3, we bump into some people we know and a douchebag in a track suit. It's sad to say that we know him as well.
- After another 3 beers each, we leave for Bar #4. Yuengling. Draw scribble scrabble all over the darts scoreboard in chalk.
- At Bar #5, Serena professes her love for the bartender and he for some god forsaken reason, allows her to cover him with shamrock stickers. Drink beers we'd never heard of at his recommendation. Not sure how many.
- Accept a free Jameson shot from a tattoo-covered creep-a-zoid.
- Decide we are hungry and need a cab to take us home. Unfortunately, we are too drunk to dial ourselves, so the bartender needs to do this for us. Great impression.
- Share a cab with a couple who we become best friends with. Hug our new BFF's when we get dropped off first.
- Lisa passes out on the couch while Serena lays in starfish pose in the livingroom. Chris #2's assistance is required to remove Serena's boots.
- Block of time that we cannot account for.
- More Yuengling.
- Serena's roommate calls pizza place and tries to convince the pizza girl to come over.
- Lisa still draped across the couch.
- Serena pretends to swim across the livingroom rug. Demands that Chris #2 get her wristlet, to which Chris #2 replies: "I don't even know what you're saying right now. What is a wristlet?"
- Block of time we cannot account for.
- Archer marathon from Serena's bed.
- Serena discovers that Lisa had attempted to eat Irish soda bread in the night and left raisins in the comforter and pieces of bread under her nightstand.
- Apparently Serena had tried to unsuccessfully light her cigar from the beer festival.
- There are no further memories of this day.
This week's baseball notes:
TOWSNBN still has a side boo boo and while it's not certain that he won't be ready for Opening Day, it's not looking promising. Also not to be ready for Opening Day? Derek Jeter, who still a hot mess, will most definitely be starting his season off on the DL. On the topic of injured idiots, apparently it's been declared that any player that was injured during the WBC will have their salaries paid by the WBC while they're unable to perform for their teams. These jokers shouldn't have been playing in the tournament to begin with. Their responsibilities are owed to their team, not to an imitation Olympic tournament that shouldn't include professional athletes. Yet, still these overpaid a-holes are going to get their enormous salaries regardless.
The Yankees are on the verge of acquiring Vernon Wells in a trade with the Angels that will most likely cost the Yankees Jeter's other foot. What purpose Wells stands to serve for the Yankees is truly beyond our comprehension. **UPDATE** Vernon Wells is officially a Yankee. Hooray for all.
Finally, to commemorate the tragedy that took place at Sandy Hook Elementary School earlier this year, the victims will be honored across the league during teams' Opening Day ceremonies. Players will wear a memorial patch on their uniforms and the stadiums will hold a moment of silence.