For some reason, we decided to recast one our favorite childhood movies with baseball players. Since it seems to be a pattern to remake classic 80's films, why can't we? This is the kind of shit you can expect from us when there's no baseball.
The movie we decided to recast is The Goonies and if you haven't seen it, you're an a-hole. Where have you been living this entire time? Under a rock?
The new & improved cast:
Mikey: Justin Verlander looks like he could pass for Mikey post-puberty. Plus, he gives us nerd vibes. Invision Verlander standing in the dugout before a big game, rallying his teammates to the call of, "it's our time. It's our time down here. It's their time. Their time up there *insert inhaler puff*!"
Mouth: Bryce Harper. We felt that Harper would be a good fit for this role because he's a loud-mouthed ass-tard. And also a clown that asks a bunch of clown questions.
Data: Ichiro Suzuki. Suzuki not only looks the part, but seems like he'd be really savvy with gadgets as well. Plus, he's small like Data. It's like he's Data grown up.
Brad: Alex Rodriguez. Okay, so he's not as sexy as Josh Brolin, but he sure works out a lot and certainly exhibits the typical "dumb jock" look. We think he'd look great in grey sweatpants with blue running shorts over them.
Steph: Jacob deGrom is long and lean like Steph. He also has luscious locks like a female. Granted, he has more hair than Steph, but perhaps this will allow him to bring more femininity to the role.
Andy: Justin Turner. Um, hello. He's a scary ginger. Just like Andy. Obviously he's meant to play this role.
Chunk: Pablo Sandoval. Pablo, like Chunk, is fat. Just picture Sandoval at third base doing the truffle shuffle. It is meant to be.
How do you think we did? Do you have any alternative options for these characters?