Sunday, May 6, 2012

Italian Sausage

Last week, Serena was solo (hence, the word “vagina” being used twice without any sort of quality control). MLB had begun its campaign for the All Star Game already, so Serena asked how you guys voted. 5 people said that they sit with the ballot and carefully think about each option before selecting the player they deem most appropriate. 2 individuals said that the use The Force. No one said that they pick the most popular players (in fact, they don’t know why that they’re not allowed to still vote for Ken Griffrey Jr.) and no one didn’t understand question and wouldn’t respond.
You might be wondering about what today’s blog theme is about. Italian sausage? Really? Are they talking about food AGAIN. Well…sort of. While watching last night’s Yankees game against the Royals, Alex Rodriguez stepped up to the plate. Here’s how our conversation went:
Lisa: Wow, he’s got some big thighs.
Serena (smacking her own chunk-tastic thighs): The curse of third base.
(Rodriguez adjusts his man-junk area)
Lisa: And apparently so is his junk.
Serena: Ya know, he looks like he’s huge.
Lisa: Yeah. He looks like he’s hung.

This got us thinking…who ELSE looks like he’s packing heat? In defense of this topic, they do have lists of baseball’shottest girlfriends/wives. Why can we cover…sausages? Disclaimer: we should note that we’ve never seen ANY of these private male parts that we’re discussing. This is strictly opinion.

For example, we’re pretty sure that Albert Pujols has a baby’s arm in his pants. In fact, to quote Lisa, “he probably has to roll it up in order to tuck it into his cup.” Wish we took video of this demonstration. At one point, she flung “it” over her shoulder and wrapped it around her leg. We’d go so far as to assume that Pujols is the biggest in the league. Hall of Fame worthy. We’re also confident that Brian Wilson is hung, BUT he has his beard in his pants, which is a serious problem. It’s like a thick, wooded area without civilization that will take you at least 45 minutes to find your way out of. Truly terrifying. The only way it could get scarier is if it was red. Other men that we’ve decided are well-endowed are Joe Mauer, Ryan Howard, CC Sabathia (he looks like a f*cking grizzly bear), Mike Jacobs (even though he’s no longer playing), Brian McCann, Tim Hudson, Matt Holliday, and unfortunately, Carlos Beltran. This might be the only thing that Beltran has going for him because his personality sucks and so does mole. Oh, yes, AND his taste in music.

We briefly discussed one of New York’s Golden Boys (TOWSNBN).
Lisa: I don’t think he’s long, but…
Serena: I think he’s stocky…
Lisa: YES!
Serena: Like his body…
To clarify, stocky=girthy.

Now for the boys we think have more of a string bean in their pants than a sausage. We’re thinking that New York’s OTHER Golden Boy, Derek Jeter, has a long, but thin noodle…just based on his body. A long, lean noodle. Unfortunately, we think that our honorary TBB, Tim Lincecum, might be small as well. He just looks like he physically couldn’t handle carrying around a Louisville Slugger in his pants. He’d topple over and royally f*ck up his delivery to the plate. Other players that we think are small are Matt Cain, Cole Hamels (and this truly does pain Lisa to think this), Josh Beckett, Dustin Pedroia, Ichiro Suzuki (he’s probably built like Mr. Chow), Jeff Franceour (we’re sad to admit this), and Jose Reyes. Lisa would like to issue a challenge to Hamels to prove to her that he doesn’t have a small Twinkie.

There were a few that we couldn’t decide on. Jayson Werth, for one. He could easily go either way, but he may smell…down there. Like a men’s lockerroom. Justin Verlander is hard to tell also, but we think he probably smells nicer…down there. NOT like a men’s lockeroom. David Ortiz seems like he’s either enormous or really small. Other unknowns: Joey Votto, Josh Hamilton, and Barry Zito. Barry Zito’s a big boy, but he’s rocked a comb-over. A comb-over may indicate a small taquito. That’s just two girls’ opinions.

Huston Street belongs in the average sausage category, but he knows how to work it. We once sat in the left field bleachers at the old Yankees Stadium and watched his warm up. Trust us when we say that “the hips do not lie.” That man can do things with his body that no man can do. There are women (us included—and Serena practices yoga) who cannot do what Huston Street can do.

In non-sausage related news, the TBB have decided to run in the Runyon 5K at Yankees Stadium in August. We get to run the warning track. How bad a$$ is that? We probably would’ve done ANY 5K being held at a baseball stadium within driving distance, but it’s a bonus that it’s taking place at one of the New York stadiums. Here’s a brief background on our running capabilities: Serena ran her first 5K last week at the Bronx Zoo. While running 3.1 miles isn’t something that Serena isn’t physically capable of completing relatively easily, she has the attention span of a toddler. In fact, at the Bronx Zoo, the only reason why Serena finished without running off to look at the monkeys is that she ran the entire thing with her cousin, Sara, a cross-country runner. Now we’re going to be running through a stadium, a course that includes being on the field. We’re probably going to lose Serena to the Yankees dugout or bullpen…or closest hot dog stand. Lisa has never run in any sort of race whatsoever. She HAS chased after the ice cream truck and from a creepy dog walker at Shea Stadium though. Once in awhile she runs on the treadmill at the gym, but she certainly can’t claim to enjoy it. It’s a long, tedious mile. What is exciting for Lisa is the prospect that there may be a lot of fit guidos present at this event (seeing as how most guidos in New York are Yankees fans). Perhaps these guidos can run in front of us and Lisa can run after them. One of them can carry a hot dog and a beer and that will be motivation for Serena. Stay tuned for the blog post following that event.

The big baseball note effecting New York this week is the crap with Mariano Rivera. While shagging balls in the outfield during batting practice (not even an actual game), Rivera twisted his knee. Ouch. An injury like that to a player as old as Rivera immediately makes people think that this is it. He’s not coming back. His career is over on a bull sh*t injury. Not so fast. Rivera insists that he’s coming back for 2013, “not going out like this.”

Jered Weaver, another f*ck a$$ who spells his name wrong (and this is more offensive than Andruw since Brother’s name is JARED), pitched himself a no-hitter against the offensively ineffectual Twins this week. While it’s nice to have a no hitter under your belt, what’s it like to accomplish something like this against a team with the major league-worst record (7-18)? We actually had to double-take that statistic there. 7-18??? SEVEN? They’ve only won seven stupid games??? That’s friggin’ AWFUL. Their terrible record actually outshines Weaver’s accomplishment. His no hitter is a backhanded compliment. We’re not even sure it should count. That’s like pitching no-hit ball to the Bad News Bears.

Closing things out with Adele today: “Oh, rumor has it. Oh, rumor has it. The rumor has it that Pujols is rolling up his sausage from the floor.”


  1. Ladies,

    As much as and Italian Sausage Blog does not hold my interest as mush as a Mexican Taco blog might, I did just have to jump in here and reference the status of our Cole Hamels, and his nether regions.

    While not really confirming the longitude of said tube meat, I think he might have indicated the mass of his dongles last evening, when not only plunking Bryce Harper with his first pitch, but then going on to tell the media in no uncertain terms that it was intentional.

    Serena, have faith!! Take it from Charlie Manual, whose seen him with his shirt and stuff off.

    1. You mean Lisa should have faith. :) She's the one sweating him. Hamels is too clean cut for her. Haha.

      BTW- where've you been, buddy?

  2. Yes, I know I've been AWOL, but not to worry . . . I am not abandoning you. April and May are always busy months here in Phillyland.

    And of course, I'd be disingenuous if I didn't say that the baseball season is not starting out in the way I'd hoped. But fear not . . . we have a few offensive pieces of the puzzle missing, and I expect better things when the weather gets warmer. In the meantime, isn't it nice that the Nationals get a taste of 1st place for a while. Maybe they will even let Teddy win, think?

  3. Hey, ya never know. The Nats may have something special here. After all, look at the O's in the AL East. Who would've expected them to be so dominant?

  4. The Nats do have some special sausage- at least at the concession stands, dunno about in the locker room... Ben's Chili Bowl half smoke. Get your mouth wrapped around one of those when you visit Nationals Park.