Yankees' Opening Day 2016

April 5, 2016

The day was cold. Ridiculously cold. We wore two layers of pants and many, many, many layers on the upper body. In case you didn't know, wearing two pairs of pants makes it extremely difficult to maneuver. Also, it's extremely difficult to wear your jeans properly when there's another layer of pantalones beneath them.

Random side rant: we watched MLB Opening Night together, which happened to be a replay of last year's World Series matchup. Why do we mention this? The Yankees' home opener just HAPPENED to be a replay of last year's AL Wild Card matchup. While watching the Mets/Royals game on Sunday night, we had to listen to some shitty game commentating. One of the remarks made by Dan Shulman was that the 2016 regular schedule was set way before the 2015 playoffs took place and that the Mets facing the Royals on Opening Night was purely coincidental. Does he really expect us to believe that? Of course the MLB plans these "dramatic" matchups on purpose. The league is run by money grubbing, soul sucking executives who probably vacation in places that are warm and require a passport to travel to. All that motivates them is the chance to earn more money with which to line their expensively tailored pockets. What generates excitement and revenue? "Drama." What a bunch of horse shit. End side rant.

We arrived at the stadium a tad later than usual due to traffic, so we skipped the concession stands to run immediately to our seats. We arrived just in time to hear the Yankees' roster and watch the National Anthem be performed.

Initially, our section was delightfully empty. We assumed that the fact that this was a makeup game deterred a good chunk of fans from attending the game. We thought we'd have the whole section to ourselves. Unfortunately, this would not be so. Out of all the empty seats in the entire section, a group of ass clowns had to settle in the seats behind us. Not only did they loudly shout the "N" word approximately twenty times in one minute, but we had to listen to the following idiocy:
"Yo, bro, if a dude hits a ball all the way up here, he definitely going to the Hall of Fame."
(Oh, really? That's the only prerequisite now? Hit a foul ball to the upper deck at Yankee Stadium? The Hall of Fame is going to need to open more wings...)
"I don't even know who is up, bro."
(Brian McCann. His enormous face is plastered across the giant digital screen in center field right next to the words: Brian McCann)
"My bro wants to hook me up. Dis girl wants me to take her out on a date. I don't got time for that."
(The fact that a female wants to stand next to you should be considered an honor)
"Yo, you still dating that chick?"/"Yeah, bro, but I don't know. She's boring."
(Yeah? But you're an a-hole, so be thankful there is someone out there who seems to treasure your existence)
Listen, it's okay to have a personal discussion at a baseball game. We do it all the time. It's even okay for you to say incredibly stupid things about the game on the field. After all, not everyone is as knowledgeable about the game as we are. It is NOT okay for you to shout your conversation so that the entire section can hear you. You're distracting. If you're louder than the at bat player's coming to the plate music, it's a problem. You're an a-hole.

Also, one of them stood next to Lisa with his ass in her face. His ass. One step above him standing with his chimichanga in her face. Not for just a single second either. For an entire inning. In fact, he even enjoyed making a dirty joke and performing creepy gyrations next to her face as well. Lisa contemplated taking a pen from her purse and sticking it up his ass, but she refrained. It's not often that we behave ourselves.

The only bright spot about sitting near these buffoons is that one of our normal neighbors returned with this awesome little beauty:

A souvenir soda cup/chicken finger platter in ONE! Credit Lisa with the creepy stalker photography skills. No idea how much this cost, where he found it, or basically anything else about it, but it is a GENIUS idea. It makes becoming fat a much more efficient process.

Our first meal of the day was to split a chicken slider bucket for $20. Not because this is the best food item in the stadium, but the deal is too hard to ignore. $20 for all of this food in one bucket with the added bonus of having the waistband of both layers of pants cut into your ever expanding belly. Just for $20. That's very reasonable.

Eventually, the idiots became too much for us to bear. The section was still fairly empty, so we kept our row, but moved over two sections in order to enjoy some semblance of peace. From this location, Lisa snapped another creepy stalker photo, but this time, it was of the pests:

Notice how they've spread themselves out over four rows. Four rows of  shit sipping shenanigans. We didn't stay long in this location. One of Serena's co-workers, Mike, texted that he had arrived. We should preface the story about the rest of our game experience by saying that we'd seen the Yankees' post on Instagram a few days prior about the arrival of bacon on a stick. According to their Instagram account, one could find this delectable delight at the NY Grill stands in sections 121, 223, and 319. Lisa LOVED her bacon on a stick snack at Oriole Park last season, so this was a must grab for her. Mike agreed. He mentioned that he'd attempted to acquire a bacon on stick from section 319, but he was informed by the staff person, "Not today." What that means, we're not exactly sure, but we do know that it loosely translates to, "you're shit out of luck."

ANYWAY, Mike's seats had a better view than ours and he had a lot of empty neighboring seats. Plus, it was far, far away from our ass clown neighbors, which made moving to join him an easy choice. We finished out the inning and headed over to his section. Game update: Yankees were actually winning 2-0. A very uncommon occurrence for the Yankees during their home opener.

Check out our new digs:

As the game wore on, it seemed like it got colder. Lisa wasn't sure she was going to make it. She started to take certain measures to protect her limbs...

 

United, we chose to search for the elusive bacon on a stick. We assumed that section 121 would be our best bet, so we headed for field level. Lisa also decided that while we were down there, she'd purchase a blanket from the team store. The lady manning the NY Grill in section 121 informed us that she had sold 100 bacon on a sticks (she was very specific about this piece of information), but then someone took the rest of them and transported them up to the 200 level. This was a nightmare. Lisa purchased a blanket for $18 from the team store. The blanket had no team logo on it and looks very similar to the free blanket you receive while traveling on Delta Airlines. Also, it was sitting on a pile of other unfolded blankets. Truthfully, they looked like they were available for people to borrow and return at a later time.

After our blanket pit stop, we headed back up to the 200 level. Lisa traveled with her blanket wrapped around her body like it was Jedi robe. Not only did the NY Grill at 223 not have any more bacon on a stick, but they were also cleaned out of everything. So, we had to go all the way back to our seats in the 300/400 level in order to get more food. Food that we settled for...like the boy we didn't really want to go on a date with, but he was the only one interested and your friends kept telling you that you're going to die alone if you don't start going on dates soon. For $23, we got a hot dog, hot Italian sausage sandwich, and two hot chocolates. 

Back in our seats, we snuggled under our new blanket and watched the Yankees ruin Opening Day. As per usual. 

Final score: Houston 5. Yankees 3. The upswing is that Mike may become our traveling scorekeeper going forward. It'll be like having an intern because we're not going to pay him. He'll just receive the perks of being in our presence and having featured spots on the blog.