Yankees v Indians 9-18-21

Well, it's the middle of September already. Not that you'd know that from the sweaty gym balls-style weather that we've been having. We were looking forward to a pleasant outdoor experience during a late season baseball game. Instead, we've left the game with sun burns and suffering from dehydration. Probably didn't help that we started our afternoon off with wine instead of water, but that is not our fault. It should have been mid-70's at most and the Yankees shouldn't be selling souvenir carafes and wine glasses. It just spells trouble. 

Also, as you can see in this photo, we totally crushed the Don Mattingly bobblehead giveaway. This is largely thanks to Clear. That line was super quick compared to the rest of the security lines around the stadium AND due to an unwarranted amount of traffic for a mid-Saturday, we were totally late getting to the ballpark. So, anyone that tells you that the annual fee for Clear isn't worth it is a big, fat liar. They're lying to you and to themselves. Clear, we're ready for our paid sponsorship/advertising contract. Hit us up. 

We actually watched 4 innings of the game from this view because it was shaded and the temperature was much cooler here. Then we got hungry and foolishly decided to head up to our seats, thinking that the upper deck "always gets such a nice breeze." We got no such nice breeze, but we did go old school with our food selection - a nice, reliable spicy sausage and peppers sandwich. We've learned a few things over the years and the number 1, most important thing we learned is to not photograph yourself eating a sausage or a hot dog. Ever. It's horrifying. 

The Yankees took a giant sh*t on the field and called it a baseball game. They chose not to play today. Unfortunately, they didn't give us the option to not pay for our tickets. At least we got our bobbleheads. We received several offers from people requesting to buy it from us, but Serena felt that since it was Don Mattingly, it was a priceless artifact and Lisa's asking price was too high. The highest offer we got was $10, but Lisa held out for a Louis Vuitton bag. 

We decided that we needed ice cream, so we went in search of a Ben & Jerry's. The line at the stand in our section was personally offensive, so we decided to go downstairs to the main concourse, thinking we'd have more stands to choose from. We did not. The line in the food court was even worse, so we ended up on the Grand Slam Shake stand because no one was there. 

While tasty, it wasn't what we wanted, so it didn't really satisfy our cravings. Lisa got the cereal one and Serena got the celebration one. It was too hot to go back to our seats, so we ended up watching the rest of the sh*t show standing around the main concourse. Bunch of clowns. 

Progressive Field

Progressive Field
2401 Ontario Street
Cleveland, OH 45202

September 23, 2018

We'd like to start this post off by informing you that the Indians stop offering guided tours in September. Why is this important? Because we have no information on this stadium, which means many of the details that we will give you are fabricated. We will tell you which tid bits are actual facts just in case you use our blog posts to plan your baseball travels, but we will not point out the lies. Could we have Googled? Sure. But why would we? That's extra work and you're not paying us.

Our first photos at Progressive are sunny. Warm. Not crowded. You may ask yourself, "how early did the TBB have to get to the game in order to get such perfect shots?" We will tell you. Six hours.

 

 

These are players that are extremely important in Indians' history. Most likely. A guided tour probably would've clarified. 

 

Pretty sure this is the last time the Indians won the American League Championship Series. 

 

 

The team owner is probably obsessed with Abbott and Costello. Clearly. 

 

You see, way back when we first purchased tickets, this game was at 1:10pm start. It's actually printed on our tickets. However, several weeks prior to the game, the powers to be apparently changed the time to 7:10 pm so that it could air on ESPN. Did they send us an email? No. Did we check the internet machine beforehand? No. Why would we? We fly by the seats of our pants in every other aspect of our lives, so why would this day be any different?

Therefore, on Sunday morning, we walked all the way to the field wondering why the streets were so empty and why the parking lots were deserted. Did we check the portable internet machine for an answer to this mystery? No. Lisa wondered where the street vendors who sold Indians' merchandise were. Well, obviously because it was Sunday and street vendors do not work on Sundays. Duh. Only explanation (it's amazing that the both of us actually have retirement plans). We take more photos. We take more selfies. We make it all the way to the team store only to discover that it's locked. That was the moment that Lisa checked the portable internet machine and discovered that it was no longer a day game.

Thankfully, the team store opened at 12 pm and we only had to wait around for a few minutes, so it wasn't a total waste. Lisa was able to buy Slider for $16 and our hats were $25.

The good news is that we had plenty of time to walk back to our hotel, change, and head to a nearby sports bar to watch the Giants/Texans game.

 

We returned to the scene of the crime around 6pm. We took additional photos outside the stadium in our new hats.

We were approached by two cameramen asking if we'd like to be on ESPN. Um, yes. We were instructed to shout, "Go Tribe!" Because we clearly blended in with the locals. We did exactly as we were told, but then Lisa added, "29 down, 1 more to go!" One of them rolled his eyes at us. We suspect we never made it on ESPN.

Inside the ballpark, we wandered around, scoping the scene and potential food stands. We were denied access to pretty much everything, including the kids' clubhouse. We were not even allowed to step foot into the foyer of the elevator banks. We had to use a special escalator and/or elevator for people without fancy tickets. We do not recall the Indians being so pro-"separation of the classes" in the movies, Major League and Major League II.

 

 

 

As we mentioned in the Comerica Park guided tour post, Progressive Field has the largest scoreboard in the league. This is actual fact. We just learned about it in Detroit, not in Cleveland.

 

This area here in right field is standing room only. We think. We overheard the person next to us tell another fan, but it is possible that she's full of shit.

 

The ballpark is a lot smaller than we would have guessed from the outside. Since we had nothing else to do and we weren't quite hungry yet, we headed up to our seats.

 

We had the most annoying pair of Red Sox fans sitting behind us. Yes, we are by nature, biased against the Red Sox, but we swear we're not exaggerating. They weren't "drunk loud" or rude, but the kind of loud where you feel like you're involved in their conversation even though you aren't. We heard everything and they never stopped talking. It was hard to concentrate on the actual game with two Joe Buck wannabes sitting behind us. You'd think that there would be moments of silence over the span of 11 innings, but there wasn't. The only time they stopped talking is when one of them left to use the bathroom.

This is how close we ever got to taking a photo with Slider, but we will admit that he was the most interactive mascot we've seen. He was visible during the entire game and made it a point to visit each section. Most mascots keep to the field level and only appear during specific times during the game.

We headed to Happy Dog for food in the 5th. Lisa ordered the Slider Dog and Serena ordered the Southern Style BBQ dog. They were $11 and $10.50 apiece.

The hot dogs were cooked perfectly. Serena had to eat hers with a fork though because she literally could not pick up the hot dog and the bun itself quickly fell apart because it was so heavy with toppings. Lisa was pleasantly surprised by how good the Fruit Loops tasted atop of her dog.

Before heading back to our seats, we grabbed ice cream in a helmet cup for $6 from Pierre's. Here, they offer real ice cream or that fake ass soft serve ice cream if that's your preference. Both of us chose Moose Tracks, which is vanilla ice cream with fudge and peanut butter cups.

 

At the conclusion of the 5th inning, there was a Hot Dog Derby between the condiments to determine the overall season winner and to our delight, Onion won. Girl power, we always say Lisa is particularly fond of the fact that Onion runs with her leopard print handbag.

The most disappointing fact about this stadium is its lack of acknowledgement to the movie, Major League. That movie is the only thing that's interesting about this franchise. And the mascot. He's adorable. The only reference to Rick Vaughn in the entire ballpark was us:

We're not saying that they needed to retire Pedro Cerrano's, Rick Vaughn's, Jake Taylor's, or even Roger Dorn's jersey numbers (if we owned the team, we would've, but that's hardly the point), but jeez. Something. Maybe even a few funny jokes tying into the rallies on the scoreboard. Not one chord of Wild Thing was played. It was above and beyond depressing.

Thankfully, the Indians pulled out the win in the 11th 4-3. Finally, we attended a game in which the home team won. Maybe our luck is finally turning around. It only took 29 stadiums.

Yankees' Star Wars Night 2018

Ever since Thor Bobblehead Night 2017, we have vowed never to miss out on a premium giveaway ever again. Therefore, we left Long Island at 3 pm for a 7pm game start. We stupidly listened to the Waze app, who claimed it could save us 10 minutes with an alternative route. She's a liar. She wasted at least 35 minutes of our time, if not 45, ambling around the back streets of the Bronx. You people are not from here, but allow us to assure you that you don't want to be wandering around this section of the Bronx. There's no one to protect you here. No Devil of Hell's Kitchen. No Luke Cage of Harlem. No Jessica Jones. Even they don't venture into this part of Manhattan. By the time we parked in the garage it was after 4:30 and we panicked that we wouldn't get a bobblehead and it was a very special bobblehead. Aaron Judge and his gap tooth dressed like a Jedi. This was an imperative free giveaway. If we missed it, why bother even attending the game? We know we've said this 1,000 times, but it must be repeated again. Just make enough bobbleheads for all us! Then we wouldn't have to get to the game two hours early. It's exhausting.

We ran to the closest gate, which happened to be near the bleachers and found a rather small line and a huge stack of bobbleheads. Which means we freaked out for no reason. Of course, all was not right in the universe because the security guard took Serena's Wonder Woman water bottle because it was aluminum and he's a stupid rule follower.

 

After collecting our bobbleheads, we went in search of characters. Priority #2 of Star Wars Night. Who even gives a shit about the game when Star Wars Night is afoot?

Unfortunately, by the time we raced to our usual photo opp spot, the characters were leaving to line up for the on field parade. We were almost dejected when we noticed that R2D2 wasn't going anywhere. We overheard the "handler" say, "the only reason he's here right now is that he needs to charge up before we head to the field." Bingo.

Lifetime achievement unlocked. 

We had some time before the on field festivities would begin, so we decided to get food. Quick backstory before we dive into our food choices. We recently weighed ourselves and found us wanting. Therefore, we've recently adopted a low carb diet (mainly fruits, vegetables, etc.) with a focus on protein and healthy fats. Minimal to no processed foods. When Star Wars Night rolled around, we were only on the cusp of week two, so it seemed in poor taste to fall entirely off the wagon so quickly. You can imagine how difficult it is to stick to a strict diet at a ballpark. After much debate and a little bit of belly aching, we ended up settling on the simple sushi rolls (the special rolls have too much shit on them). We realize that in previous blog posts (particularly in our Safeco Field post) we mentioned that we don't relish the idea of eating sushi at a ballpark, but desperate times call for desperate measures. We figured that we'd either be fine or lose all of the weight we gained due to food poisoning. We each ordered a side of edamame and two rolls for $30. Lisa ordered a spicy tuna and a vegetable roll and Serena ordered a spicy tuna and a spicy salmon roll. Before you scoff at this price, it's actually pretty comparable to one of our local sushi delivery places. 

The sushi totally exceeded our expectations.  We were pleasantly surprised by how decent the rolls were. We probably wouldn't gravitate to the sushi stand on every visit, but it was a nice change of pace for us. 

After food, we headed up to our section to watch the Star Wars festivities. The photos and video will speak for themselves here.

 

 

 

 

As you can see, we really got into photographing the big screen. 

Video 

The ceremonial first pitch was thrown by Ron Howard.

 

The game gets less interesting for us because we got everything we wanted and our attention span has an expiration date. We were at the ball game way too early and the activities were too numerous for us to continue to focus on one thing. We found ourselves playing with the bobblehead a lot. This is the view from our seats and our shirts. Lisa bought a brand new one that morning for the occasion. 

 

 This is a photo of Giancarlo dressed like an X-Wing pilot.

 

There is something that needs to be discussed before we touch upon the game and it has to do with the current Yankee roster and they're complete and total lack of Star Wars knowledge. The big screen showed an off camera person interviewing individual players about favorite Star Wars movies, favorite characters, etc. 90% of the players confessed to not having seen Star Wars. How is this even possible? Oh, wait, they're all infants and probably weren't born to even see Phantom Menace in the theater (which is literally the worse Star Wars movie, by the way. Serena won't even let Lisa watch it). One guy actually replied that he was more of a Trekkie. It's not Star Trek Night! It's Star Wars! Lie, you big dope! Furthermore, what kind of person chooses Star Trek over Star Wars. You're seriously choosing William Shatner over Harrison Ford and Darth Vader? You're an asshole. Marketing should've stepped up and told these nincompoops what the answers were instead of embarrassing us, embarrassing themselves, embarrassing their families, and embarrassing any unborn children that they might be considering to have. 

The game actually started off pretty impressive followed by the bullpen pissing away a perfectly good CC Sabathia start (look at him now...that possibly could've been his last quality start and his bullpen failed him). Most of the assholes in the bullpen are the same assholes who had never seen Star Wars. Jack Wagons. The Yankees ended up winning in extra innings, but Serena still hasn't forgiven them for this whole insult to her favorite childhood trilogy.