Mets vs Nationals 8/1/2015

Our first TBB visit to Citi Field this season was an impromptu one. This was our official 59th game attended together. It's getting real, guys. We're old and we spend too much time together because we're lonely and can't find love.

Serena's coworker got the tickets and we tailgated for just over an hour in the parking lot. It turns out, unbeknownst to Serena, that her coworker is the Sheldon Cooper of tailgating. Therefore, he shall henceforth be known as Sheldon since he didn't really give us permission to talk about him on the blog. Sheldon packed coolers (yes, more than one) of food, beer, and water. We had organic chips, wings, celery, carrots, organic pineapple cubes, organic guacamole. We had a flip flop that functioned as a bottle opener. We had rolls of paper towels, plates. We had country music (which we specifically asked him to turn off several times). He directed strangers into their parking spaces without being asked for assistance. He had a timer set so that we had the precise amount of time to walk to the stadium and get into our seats by first pitch.

Old Man Ed was also at the game, so he stopped by to molest us. He really misses spending time with us. Plus, since he's so decrepit and old, he makes us feel young. Side note: Old Man Ed did not invite us to the game with him. He only knew we were there because he stalks us on Facebook. What a poop head.

This is a photo of us about to walk into the stadium for the game:

As you can see, we're very classy with our red solo cups.

Our seats were in section 508. Not a bad view, eh?

The big news heading into the game was that the Mets had acquired Yoenis Cesepedes. Behold his first at bat:

The excitement of him joining the Mets wore off relatively quickly since he did absolutely nothing all game. We're not going to judge him yet seeing as it was his first game, but he has exactly three more games to turn shit around. After that, we boo.

The rest of Mets' offense was pretty pathetic as well. Had it not been for Papa L.'s favorite player (said in a sarcastic voice) hitting two home runs, the outcome of the game would've been very different. In the 4th inning, Lisa turned to Serena and said, "this f*cker has a perfect game and he's a nobody. We're going to see a perfect game pitched by a nobody on the other team." Serena replied, "Lisa, you're turning into your father. It's only the 4th inning." Very shortly after this dialogue exchange, Duda hit his first home run. Despite the fact that we high-fived our neighboring fans, Lisa still refuses to like him. After the fervor died down, we realized that we neglected to document anything regarding the home run. Not even the celebration, let alone the home run tomato in center field. We failed. However, we DID take this, "Uh, oh, no more perfect game for you, Joe Ross" photo:

When Duda hit his second home run, Lisa remembered to snap this photo:

Please excuse the random asshole throwing the deuces.

The Mets would go on to win 3-2, bringing them within one game of first place in the NL East. This is kind of a big deal. For the first time in a long time, both New York teams are playing good baseball. Papa L. really wants to merge both teams into one - keeping the Mets' pitching staff and the Yankees' offense. We'd be unstoppable. New York City would be a force to be reckoned with. Unfortunately, there are too many idiots on this planet that "just can't root for a Yankee (or a Met)." Bunch of buffoons. Plus, imagine all the money we'd save cutting the fat. Literally. We're going to fire all of the fat players. We're too innovative for this world, guys. We're ahead of our time.

Since we didn't get a chance to see Heart, we made it a point to stay for the post-game fireworks show. Granted, the fireworks cannot possibly hope to compete with Heart or any 80's rock band for that matter, but it was a good show nevertheless. Our Samsung Galaxy 6 phones takes killer fireworks photos (Samsung, you should be paying us for this plug):

Why New York Will Most Likely Be Golfing During the Postseason

We should acknowledge that we understand that the Yankees are still in the running for the Wild Card (so don't post any links to the comments section of this blog or to our Facebook page with "proof" that the Yankees are mathematically capable of achieving a playoff spot), whereas the Mets are definitely NOT going to the postseason...unless they're attending games as personal guests of the Atlanta Braves. That being said, we're going to tell you exactly what went wrong for the Yankees and Mets this year and why that's going to equal New York postseason failure.

Allow us to begin with the Mets:

• It all began with Johan Santana and quickly went downhill from there. There are currently 9 players on the Mets 40-man roster that are on the DL.
• Matt Harvey's final win-loss record before heading to the DL is 9-5 and he boats a 2.27 ERA. Truth be told, he should probably be more like 12-3, but his offense consists of a pack of duds.
• Pitching (except for Matt Harvey)
• This:

 Now for the Yankees:

• Like the Mets, the Yankees have been plagued by injuries. Most notably: Mark Teixeira, Curtis Granderson, and Derek Jeter.
• They're physically incapable of defeating the Red Sox. The Red Sox are the Yankees' kryptonite.
• The Trio of Death. AKA: The Victory Vacuum:

The real reason why the Yankees will not make it to the playoffs:

Now, before you call us crazy, hear us out. We have a theory. We've never had two of our teams be successful during the same season. You will, no doubt, argue several points with us:

• The 2000 Subway Series
• The 1986 World Series Championship Mets/80's dynasty of the Islanders
• The Rangers consistent postseason appearances
• Mets were last in the playoffs in 2006 whereas the Yankees also had a playoff appearance that year
• The Giants won the Superbowl in 2007 and 2011. While the Mets did not see the postseason those years, the Yankees did

Have we listed all of your arguments? Allow us to now tear them down and crap on them (faster than you can post a link to our blog/Facebook page in an attempt to prove us wrong).

1. The Subway Series: Someone had to lose this series. In this case, it was the Mets. Therefore, Lisa was unhappy. This directly supports our theory of two of our teams cannot be successful. During this same year, the Giants made a playoff appearance, but failed to accomplish anything exciting.
2. The 80's: Yes, both the Mets and Islanders were successful during this time period. In 1986, the Islanders even saw playoff action. Here's the problem with this one. Serena was 4 in 1986 and Lisa was 8. Serena's definition of a "championship" at this point in time was convincing her Mema to give her a Stella Doro cookie despite not having finished her milk because milk sucks. Lisa had not yet been introduced to the Islanders because a) Brother hadn't been born yet and b) she and Serena hadn't met yet. Therefore, this only equals to ONE of our teams being successful.
3. Rangers: We hate the Rangers, therefore their continual success is meaningless. To be frank, it actually infuriates us. Truth be told, they're a-holes.
4. Mets & Yankees being 2006 playoff contenders: The Yankees got bumped in the first round (pretty miserably in fact) and the Mets suffered from Carlos Beltran-itis.
5. The Giants' Superbowl wins: The Yankees' playoff performance during those years was abysmal. Therefore your argument is erroneous.

Why blame the Islanders for this season's mishaps? Simple. For the first time in eons, the Islanders showed great tenacity and made it to the playoffs. Granted, they lost to the Penguins in the first round, but not without giving those tool boxes a run for their money. Naturally, this explains why Eli Manning and the Giants have looked like total ass clowns so far this season and why the Mets and Yankees have limped toward October.

Trust us, we want more than anything for this theory not to be true, but it just can't be so. It's like when really attractive individuals have zero sense of humor/personality. It's proof that whatever higher being you believe in does not want anyone to have everything. For example, Michael Bolton had a successful music career despite a mullet and a face only a mother could love. "Talented," yet unpleasant to the eye. Can't have everything.

Mets Opening Day

April 1st, 2013

After a long off season that dealt us with hurricanes and snowstorms of epic proportions. Spring has finally sprung and Baseball is back. Every year I look forward to attending Mets Opening day mainly because we leave the past behind us and any anger we have we try not to bring going into the new season. This feeling of forgiveness and acceptance usually only lasts about the first inning but we get an E for effort that day for trying. I usually go with super Mets jinx Laurie but she was a sell out this year and decided to spend the week lounging in the sun in another country. Fellow TBB Serena was not an option since the Mets and Yankees decided to be life ruiners and set the games for the same exact time making it impossible for us to attend both Opening Day festivities. Someone really needs to work on this teleportation sh*t. I decide to bring with me my dear old man. Pops joins us for Opening day and so my story begins.

We leave for Citi Field at 11:00 am for the 1:10 game against the San Diego Padres. I usually get to Citi Field around 10 am on Opening day and spend hours chugging beer and grilling in the parking lot but I knew tailgating with Pops was not an option. On the way to Citi Field disgruntle Mets fan that my father is starts with his disapproval of the Dickey trade. I try to change the subject and say “How many homeruns do you think we will see today Dad?” Dad says:” A lot from San Diego” Way to be optimistic I see where I get my sarcastic attitude from.

When I get off the exit to the stadium there are many officers of the law directing traffic. Pops decides to flag one over from doing his job to flash the officer a distant family members PBA card thinking that this will allow him to park in “Special Parking” FAIL! This is embarrassing moment number one folks. Embarrassing moment number two is not far behind. At the entrance into the ballpark while getting padded down by security Pops makes an inappropriate joke that I can not share but it did make the security guard laugh so no harm done. Our free giveaway is a magnetic schedule that I was not impressed with. In fact last year when the Mets emailed me a survey about the free giveaways I rated this giveaway a one. On a scale of one being the worst. Clearly my opinion means nothing. We stop on the main level to take this sweet father/daughter photo under the scoreboard and made sure to get the All Star Game sign it , cause that’s not advertised in every nook and granny of the stadium.( Insert your  awwwwwwwww! for the photo)

This is our view from our overpriced seats. They were not a bad view at all I just know that during the season these seats are $12 as opposed to the $64 you were charging them for Opening Day.

On the field before the game started they honored 500 first responders that tended to Hurricane Sandy victims. They included members of the Military, Police and Fired department.  In center field volunteers from Habitat for Humanity formed a house shape arrangement. There was also a moment of silence for both Hurricane Sandy and Newton Town victims .

They proceed to announce TOWSNBN and the 2013 Mets.

 Actress Emma Rossum from the television show Shameless sang the National Anthem. She did an amazing job. I was unaware she had such a beautiful voice. Some people have all the luck she gets to be hot AND talented oh and let’s face it she is on a hit show so she has money too! I’m so jelly as those annoying teenagers would say.

 

It is at this time that I should tell you that I bought myself a cool new camera with outstanding zoom. I like to think TOWSNBN just realized this. Look at his reaction of frustration to the news.

It’s about that time where my stomach decides that it needs food now otherwise there is no telling what will happen. I tell Dad that I’ll be right back that I am getting foods. Dad pulls $20 out of his wallet and says “Get me a hamburger and whatever else you want” My heart melts he has no clue what a wildebeest his daughter is furthermore he clearly does not realize just how much food is at the stadium. While I am away I am told that Rusty Staub threw the first pitch.

I get back to the seats to find my father not in our original seats and chewing some lady’s ear off about the Dickey trade yet again. She seems to agree with him. My father informs me that he moved so a family could all sit together. I got my dad his hamburger and I got a cheeseburger and a beer in an All Star Game collector’s cup (I should tell you that at the beer stand I see ASG Budweiser coming soon. I think to myself “Oooh a new beer!!” It takes me until Friday nights game that I realize ASG stands for All Star Game.) Dad asks for change. I don’t have the heart to tell him that I actually had to put $6 in. After I confess Dad reminisces about when he would go to Shea Stadium and how hot dogs outside the stadium were 10 cents and hot dogs in the stadium were 50 cents. Well at least there is consistency in the rapping of wallets over the decades. Pops and I are not impressed with the burgers at all! They were burnt and small. I got the burgers at one of the concession stands by our section that’s what I get for being lazy and not making the trip down to the Shake Shack.

It’s finally game time and the pitching match up was Johnathon Niese for the Mets and Edinson Volquez for the Padres. At Daniel Murphy’s first at bat “Happy Birthday “was song to him. It was orchestrated by The 7 Line and his army. Well played!! I tried to video tape it unfortunately the two drunk boys in the back round over power my efforts but I definitely heard it faintly from my seats.

The Mets scored the first run on Ruben Tejada’s RBI double in the 2^nd and John Buck scores making it 1-0. Niese singles bringing Tejada home and the score is now 2-0. My father and I look at each other in amazement.

In the top of the 3^RD San Diego gets on the board when Carlos Quentin singles on a ground ball sending Chris Denorfia home. It’s now 2-1.

In the bottom of the 3^RD Myrlon Byrd Singles and TOWSNBN scores it is now 3-1

Lot’s of hitting is going on I am getting so confused I look around to make sure I was at Citi Field watching the Mets. John Buck then singles and Byrd scored making the score 4-1. We continue to scratch our heads and rub our eyes all while enjoying this strange feeling of winning. I decide I am still hungry and send dad on a run to get me more beer and a hot dog. He looks at me and shakes his head as he says to me “This is why your not married you’ll eat the poor guy out of house and hold”

In the bottom of the 4^th more hitting is had for the Mets. Murphy singles on a line drive Collin Cowgill goes to 3rd and Niese scores it is now 5-1. TOWSNBN grounds out and Cowgill comes home 6-1. Byrd singles to left field and now the birthday boy scores. Score stands at 7-1. I am speechless at this point. I have no words. The lady my dad was chatting it up with insists my father is good luck. I contemplate leaving him in section 531 and forwarding his mail to flushing.

It is now the top of the 5^th inning and my father would like to leave the game. He is cold and complaining about the wind. In his defense he was just getting over bronchitis and he has this thing with traffic he kind of hates it.  I buy my time by making ridiculous bets with him. I tell him if Lucas Duda hits a homerun we can leave. I know this is not happening so I am safe for now. Look at what “A DUD “did in the game at this point. (For those who don’t know my pops says Lucas Duda is A DUD and that’s what his name is spelled backwards) Ike Davis is not getting off the hook so easy. Look at what both clowns contributed so far.

In the top of the 6^th Yonder Alonso of the Padres tacks on another run by hitting a homerun it is now 7-2 and I decide to cave in to my father’s demand after the 6^th inning is over. We walk back to the car blast the heat because being so close to god in those seats we need to defrost. As we defrost and pull out of the stadium we hear uproar. My dad assumes the Mets bullpen has f’ed it up and it is now a tie game which would make sense. I turn the radio to the game and find that Collin Cowgill had just hit a grand slam. I turn to Dad and snarl at him. He says “Just think it’s going to look so much better when you see it tonight on the replay “

THE END!