Mets' Opening Day 2019

April 4, 2019

Due to the Opening Day fiasco that required us to be shuttled from Queens Park to Citi Field two years ago, Lisa is now paranoid about the parking lot clothing before our arrival, so she picked up Serena from her place of employment at 10:30 am in order to get to the game. Citi Field opened their parking lot at 10:10 and their gates at 11:10 for a 1:10 pm game start. We arrived at the exit by 11:15 and didn't get into a parking spot until 11:50 am. This is the sh*t show we sat in:

 

Lisa was having heart palpitations from the PTS that she experienced from the shuttle. She thought we'd be on line behind the final car allowed into the lot and therefore be forced to park in the shuttle lot once again. However, that did not happen. We did get into the lot. And we saw why it was so difficult to get cars into the lot in a timely basis.

 As you can see in the photo below, people tailgating were total a-holes and took up more than one parking spot. When your team is god awful and people stop going to games or when you're attending a game that no one gives a f*ck about, you can take up multiple spots in the parking lot. When it is opening day and your stupid team chose to sell SRO seats like royal dick f*cks, then you absolutely, positively cannot take up multiple parking spots because those spots need to be taken by all the f*cking cars trying to get into the lot from the Grand Central Parkway. You stupid, selfish d*ck.

ANYWAY, once inside the parking lot, we popped Lisa's trunk open and started our own mini tailgate the included delicious wine and cookies. And chips. This amazing cooler from Reduce kept our wine cool and tasty. It's amazing. Jess bought it for us for Christmas and it is one of the best tailgating investments ever made. It's genius. Whomever is responsible for this invention is genius.

The Jinx arrived at the game with her lovely son, Ethan. The Jinx also adored the Reduce wine cooler and she enjoyed a cookie with us before we all walked toward the stadium together.

The line to get through the front gate was incredible, but the security check was relatively quick as opposed to the games we went to last season. This is what the crowd looked like from the escalator of the Jackie Robinson Rotunda.

Lisa was unable to take any photos of the Opening Day ceremony except these due to our ADD:

The Nikon booth convinced us that we needed to do a photo shoot with props and we heartily agreed. This featured a moving montage and crowds cheering, but we couldn't get that to save for some reason.

Our delay also meant that we missed the ceremonial first pitch thrown by Gil Hodges Jr. Since we missed the entire ceremony, we figured, "why not stop and get food?" Lisa had screenshot a lot of new options for us to try:
Pizza cupcakes
Cheeseburger dumplings
Chocolate covered marshmallows
Mini Nathan hot dog sliders

It turns out that the pizza cupcakes and dumplings can only be found in the Jim Beam Highball Club, which we did not have tickets to. Horse sh*t. So, we had to improvise, but not before we took a video of this chump being suckered into doing pullups at a baseball game.

We found a burger stand that we'd never seen before in right field, but the line was annoyingly long. Luckily for us, there was a second burger stand with no one on the line.

We also noticed that the rice ball stand added new rice ball options, so while Serena paid for our delicious burgers, Lisa got on the line to buy rice balls. The mushroom steakhouse burgers cost $12.50 and the rice balls were six for  $13.50. The new flavors we chose were french onion, pizza ball, and strawberry cheesecake.

One bite of the burger and we knew something was off. It just didn't taste like a normal burger. It wasn't bad. It just didn't taste like it normally does. Then we questioned what that giant "V" stood for. Victory? Vaccinate? Vengeance? No. None of those things. Vegan. In further examination of the stand's sign, we noticed that cheese was listed in quotation marks. As in, "cheese." How did we not notice any of this? Also, the strawberry cheesecake rice balls were horrendous. French onion delicious. This creepy pile of pink goo was not.

After food, we finally went up to our seats. The Mets were already losing to the Nationals 1-0. We're not sure how that run scored because we were too busy eating vegan burgers.

 

The people sitting behind us were worse than we are in terms of ripping apart their home team. They had nothing nice to say about anything except Jacob deGrom, who wasn't even pitching. Everyone loved Lisa's Elmer Fudd hat (another gift from Jess). Someone even offered her $10 for it, but she simply could not part with it.

We left in the bottom of the 8th inning with the Mets losing 3-0,  no one out, and men in scoring position because Lisa had no faith in her team. Before turning her back on the stands, she shouted a slew of not nice things at Jeurys Familia, who'd gotten the Mets into that particular predicament. We also snapped this photo:

The Mets ended up losing 4-0. Lisa was somewhat positive about it though. Since the Mets have the best Opening Day record in baseball, but not such a great track record at following through for the rest of the season, perhaps losing their home opener means that they'll have a successful season.

Mets vs Nationals 8/1/2015

Our first TBB visit to Citi Field this season was an impromptu one. This was our official 59th game attended together. It's getting real, guys. We're old and we spend too much time together because we're lonely and can't find love.

Serena's coworker got the tickets and we tailgated for just over an hour in the parking lot. It turns out, unbeknownst to Serena, that her coworker is the Sheldon Cooper of tailgating. Therefore, he shall henceforth be known as Sheldon since he didn't really give us permission to talk about him on the blog. Sheldon packed coolers (yes, more than one) of food, beer, and water. We had organic chips, wings, celery, carrots, organic pineapple cubes, organic guacamole. We had a flip flop that functioned as a bottle opener. We had rolls of paper towels, plates. We had country music (which we specifically asked him to turn off several times). He directed strangers into their parking spaces without being asked for assistance. He had a timer set so that we had the precise amount of time to walk to the stadium and get into our seats by first pitch.

Old Man Ed was also at the game, so he stopped by to molest us. He really misses spending time with us. Plus, since he's so decrepit and old, he makes us feel young. Side note: Old Man Ed did not invite us to the game with him. He only knew we were there because he stalks us on Facebook. What a poop head.

This is a photo of us about to walk into the stadium for the game:

As you can see, we're very classy with our red solo cups.

Our seats were in section 508. Not a bad view, eh?

The big news heading into the game was that the Mets had acquired Yoenis Cesepedes. Behold his first at bat:

The excitement of him joining the Mets wore off relatively quickly since he did absolutely nothing all game. We're not going to judge him yet seeing as it was his first game, but he has exactly three more games to turn shit around. After that, we boo.

The rest of Mets' offense was pretty pathetic as well. Had it not been for Papa L.'s favorite player (said in a sarcastic voice) hitting two home runs, the outcome of the game would've been very different. In the 4th inning, Lisa turned to Serena and said, "this f*cker has a perfect game and he's a nobody. We're going to see a perfect game pitched by a nobody on the other team." Serena replied, "Lisa, you're turning into your father. It's only the 4th inning." Very shortly after this dialogue exchange, Duda hit his first home run. Despite the fact that we high-fived our neighboring fans, Lisa still refuses to like him. After the fervor died down, we realized that we neglected to document anything regarding the home run. Not even the celebration, let alone the home run tomato in center field. We failed. However, we DID take this, "Uh, oh, no more perfect game for you, Joe Ross" photo:

When Duda hit his second home run, Lisa remembered to snap this photo:

Please excuse the random asshole throwing the deuces.

The Mets would go on to win 3-2, bringing them within one game of first place in the NL East. This is kind of a big deal. For the first time in a long time, both New York teams are playing good baseball. Papa L. really wants to merge both teams into one - keeping the Mets' pitching staff and the Yankees' offense. We'd be unstoppable. New York City would be a force to be reckoned with. Unfortunately, there are too many idiots on this planet that "just can't root for a Yankee (or a Met)." Bunch of buffoons. Plus, imagine all the money we'd save cutting the fat. Literally. We're going to fire all of the fat players. We're too innovative for this world, guys. We're ahead of our time.

Since we didn't get a chance to see Heart, we made it a point to stay for the post-game fireworks show. Granted, the fireworks cannot possibly hope to compete with Heart or any 80's rock band for that matter, but it was a good show nevertheless. Our Samsung Galaxy 6 phones takes killer fireworks photos (Samsung, you should be paying us for this plug):

Our Day with Bryce Harper

One of our followers suggested that we chronicle a day spent with a baseball player. Since this happens pretty often, we had to narrow down which story to share with you. We chose our random Tuesday spent with Bryce Harper because we figured that none of you really wanted to hear about our special friends that play for the Yankees and Mets (and by special, we mean "imaginary"). Plus, the restraining order is official and we're not allowed within 25 yards of those guys, soooooo....yeah. That's why we have to get our seats in the upper deck all the time. We're not cheap. Just ostracized.

So anyway. Back to Bryce. Since he's a child, we picked him up early from nursery school with his mother's permission...of course. We're not kidnappers. Sheesh. From the Children of Hope Academy for the Gifted, we drove Bryce (safely buckled into his car seat naturally...we're very responsible) in our rental Prius to play laser tag. It was Pizza Party Day at Laser Tag Land, so Bryce ate an entire pizza by himself even though we told him that it was a highly illogical thing to do. Boy, were we right. After a few minutes running around the laser tag course, Bryce threw up all over one of the girls on the green team. It was gross, but truth be told, she kind of deserved it. She was trash talking Lisa all over the place. She had to go. Unfortunately, the vomit incident prompted management to escort us from the vicinity. Turns out, being Bryce Harper doesn't get you everything.

We buckled Bryce back into his car seat, intending on heading to Friendly's for some ice cream sundaes, but Bryce stopped us. He said, "Listen here, my soul sistahs from another mistah, I'm having a fantabulous time, but February IS just around the corner and I need to get some work done. Can we hit up a batting cage instead?" Serena, being that she is a professional personal trainer, had an even better idea. We decided to take him to a local mini golf course instead. At first, Bryce was skeptical, but then Lisa reminded him of the fact that we basically transformed Tim Lincecum into a sparkling peacock that wins championships and he gave in. Case in point.

At the mini golf course, we bought Bryce a Good Humor Bubble Play ice pop and let him choose the pink golf ball. He gets very upset when he doesn't get his way. In fact, we always let him win because if we don't, we throws a temper tantrum and it's embarrassing. For us. While we waited our turn at the windmill hole (it took him at least twenty swings to get the ball through the windmill), Bryce mentioned that he proposed to his girlfriend, Kayla. Immediately, we voiced our displeasure. "You're too young to get married!"
Lisa: "How did you even propose?"
Serena: "On construction paper written in Crayola Crayon?"
Lisa: "With a Ringpop? What flavor was it?"
Serena: "Do you even know what we were doing at your age?"
Lisa: "Having a great time! Being awesome!"
Serena: "God, Bryce! You can't even tie your own shoes yet!"
Lisa: "Next thing you'll tell us is that you want children. Children having children! What's this world coming to?"
Serena: "You can barely recite the entire alphabet."

Upset by our tirade, Bryce ran off, screaming that he wasn't going to invite us to the wedding anymore (like we cared). Serena was fine with this outcome because she really didn't want to have to make the trip to drive him home anyway because it was out of the way and there were no Taco Bells in the area, but Lisa felt it was extremely irresponsible of us to not return him home to his mother like we'd promised. Ugh. We went after him and found him crying by himself on one of the coin operated french poodle rides outside of the mini golf place. Serena has no patience for this kind of crap, so she slapped him. It made him cry louder. He called Serena a "meanie." Lisa agreed that Serena HAD acted like a meanie, but that he also had to respect the opinion of his elders. He understood and apologized for being such an asshole, but asked us to please be respectful of his life choices and to his bride-to-be. We grumbled a reply, which was satisfactory to him, but really meant nothing to us, so as far as we're concerned, we agreed to nothing.

After that, we got giant cupcakes and drove Bryce home. He fell asleep in his car seat with chocolate smeared on his face. He looked like such a clown. After bidding his lovely mother farewell (she loves us...our photo is in a frame on the fireplace next to Bryce's engagement photos that had been taken at Nationals Ballpark), we drove ourselves to the airport for the trip home. It was a very long day, but it did help us reach a very important decision about our lifestyle choices. We've decided not to befriend any more baseball players because obviously they're all a bunch of overrated babies.

The End.

Mets Opening Day 2014

March 31, 2014

For the first time in TBB history, on March 31, 2014, we attended an Opening Day game together. When the morning finally arrived, we cheerfully bounded from our respective beds and checked our windows, eager to see the beautiful day that awaited us.

It would not be so. This is the face of true evil:

Luckily for us, it seemed as though Mother Nature simply had her period because by the time Lisa picked Serena up to drive to the stadium, any signs of the morning's snowfall had been totally eradicated and the sun came out of hiding.

Re-energized by the turn in weather, we packed up Lisa's car with tailgating supplies and headed out to Citi Field. We arrived at Citi Field by 12:15 and were informed that the main parking lot was already full. Probably because of the enormous circus taking up 3/4 of the parking spaces. Police officers directed traffic further and further away from the stadium to overflow lots. We ended up at a small lot near the tennis stadium without any space or time to tailgate.

Bummed, we began the long, confusing walk to Citi Field. Eventually, we found the bridge that led from the Long Island Railroad and the NYC subway system to the stadium. We basically found someone dressed in Mets gear and stalked the crap out of them in order to find our way to the game.

Due to the fact that we had to cross the vast wasteland known as Flushing in order to get to the game, we were unable to get to our seats before the opening ceremonies started. Therefore, we snapped a bunch of photos of the activities on our way to the stairs leading to the upper deck. 

 

 

 

 

We found our seats in time for the game to begin. The first item of business that we noticed was the fact that Citi Field now has an organ player. For much of the game, we played, "Name That Tune." The player wasn't talented enough for us to identify songs immediately, but not so awful that we couldn't recognize songs. Among the artists sampled were Bon Jovi, Metallica, and the Rollingstones. Secondly, TOWSNBN came to the plate to the sweet, sweet music of New Kids on the Block. At first we thought it was funny, but when he came to the plate every single time to that song, we became confused. It's one thing for us to joke about our love for 98 Degrees (helloooo, we're girls). It's quite another for a grown man over 30 to openly embrace that crap.

Things started to look up in the bottom of the 1st when Andrew Brown knocked a 3-run home run to left center field. Lisa jumped to her feet, excited to photograph the season's first appearance of the home run apple. She waited, holding her cell phone camera pointed toward the area beyond center field. And she waited. And waited. And continued to wait, phone still focused on the spot where the apple should be rising from the center of hell. Ike Davis stepped into the batter's box and Lisa continued to stand there, staring intensely at the outfield, wondering when the apple would reveal itself to her. Nothing. So we have this picture: 

Official documentation of the apple's fail moment.

Naturally, we became hungry in the bottom of the 4th, so we decided to hunt for our food. As we purchased two hot dogs and a beer apiece, we talked about how much money we would've saved if only we'd been able to tailgate! Stupid circus!

We must emphasize the fact that it was a spectacularly windy day. Our seats, despite the killer view, never saw sun and were exposed to the brutality of the wind. We froze. We snuggled beneath an enormous Mets fleece blanket. Lisa's sauerkraut flew from her hot dog and landed on the man sitting next to her. And also landed in her crotch and down the sleeves of her sweatshirt. Now, full disclosure, Lisa is typically a messy eater. When we eat in Serena's bed, Serena makes her drape a bath towel across her lap to collect her food droppings. Having said that, this was still above and beyond Lisa's normal level of messiness. Apparently disgusted by the fact that he was covered in someone else's sauerkraut, he left. And never came back.

Of course, he wasn't the only person we pissed off. Every time we laughed at one of our own jokes, the elderly man sitting in front of us scowled at us. The icing on the cake was when Lisa decided to take a selfie of us cuddling in our warm fuzzy blanket. When the camera went off in his ear, the man sitting directly in front of Lisa turned around and gave us the stink eye.

We considered this a relatively successful day nevertheless for the Mets were winning! Hooray! We were so confident about the 5-4 score that we decided to leave in the at the top of the 9th in order to ensure Serena arrived home in time to teach her yoga class that evening. This confidence proved to be the Mets' downfall.

Bobby Parnell (who is now on the DL) is a raging a-hole. Thanks to him, the Mets and Nationals went into extra innings and the Mets went on to lose 9-7. Soooo, thank you, Bobby Parnell. May you be graced with every STD known to mankind. Gracefully Yours, the Traveling Baseball Babes.

The End.

Why January Sucks for Baseball

You f*cking people didn't even notice that there was no poll last week, did you? You're as useful as t*ts on a bull, as Fred #1 would say. Side note: Joel still has yet to join The Fear Boners for the Spartan Race at Citi Field. Shocking? No. Can't say that it is. Are we pretty convinced that death is imminent? Yes. Absolutely. We've been assured that people just help each other on these obstacle courses, but Lisa is skeptical. She's pretty convinced our two "teammates" are going to abandon us and help each other as we get stuck and trampled under the barbed wire fence. If we manage to survive the mud pie and wall, Lisa thinks that her eyebrows are going to be burned off in the fire pit. All in all, this is shaping up to be a very terrible day. Plus, Serena has already declared that "unless these helpers are over 6 feet tall, brunette, scruffy, and sporting multiple tattoos," she wants nothing to do with them ("she can do it herself, a-hole").

It's become a moral imperative that we attend Star Wars Night. It's also a national emergency that both the Mets AND Yankees host one so that Serena can go to both. Of course, Lisa will have no choice but to attend these games as well. To prepare, Serena may institute a mandatory Star Wars marathon since Lisa has only seen one of the movies and it was Return of the Jedi. Not even the first original movie. She's all backwards. Her only exposure to Star Wars is the Ewoks. Sad day. Be on the lookout for the schedule and notify us immediately of all Star Wars Nights that are within driving distance of Long Island, NY. Bonus points if KC and St. Louis have one while we're in town. Serena will literally piss herself from excitement.

We are currently operating on Week 4 of "Operation No Wings" in order to prepare for the Cupid Undies Run next Saturday. We kind of want to die. We've been waking up in the middle of the night trembling and sweating. Last night, Lisa dreamt of hot sauce. We just have to keep reminding ourselves that it's almost over. By the way, we still haven't heard from any of you as to whether or not you'll be joining us. What's the deal? We told you where you could buy your uniforms. We basically planned everything out for you. All you have to do is take your credit card out of your wallet. Don't forget to join team "Can You See My Knickers" when you register. The best part is the fact that you can party with us at The Brass Monkey afterwards!

Sorry this is all we have for you today. This is why being baseball fans during the month of January sucks balls when your football team isn't in the Superbowl. You end up blogging about the ADD sh*t that's floating around in your small, pathetic brain.

Baseball Notes:
So, we're going to have to return to DC. The Nationals have recently announced that a new president has been added: William Howard Taft. And he's pretty f*cking amazing with his moustache. We should've just collected all of their bobbleheads when we had the chance.

The Braves landed Justin Upton in a 7-player deal that sent Martin Prado to the Diamondbacks. Prado is expected to play third for the D-Backs, while Justin will be joining his brother, B.J. (HAHAHAHAHA - sorry. We're immature), and Jason Heyward in the outfield. B.J. had recently signed a 5-year, $75.25 million contract with the Braves in November. Justin's contract is worth 3-years and $38.5 million. This will be the first time in their professional career that the brothers will be playing together. How endearing.

Serena now has contacts so no more shall you be seeing pictures of us at baseball games in which Serena is wearing her nerdy librarian glasses. Success!

Wild Bullsh*t

The 2012 postseason is almost upon us. Whoo hoo. In preparation for its arrival, we asked what you would like us to cover on our blog. 2 of you want us to blog during a game at a bar while drinking. While we totally understand why you chose this (it's going to be hilarious), we can't help but wonder at your intelligence level. Only 1 person each voted for covering an out-of-market World Series parade or an out-of-market playoff game if the Yankees don't advance. Aren't these options more interesting than us drunk blogging? Thankfully no one voted for us to cover an entire story on Joe Buck's hair. We would've done it because you asked, but we really would've been pissed off about it.

We're trying hard to be excited about the playoffs. The fact that the entire American League situation is still up in the air is pretty thrilling. However, we're not going to lie to you. We do not want to be sitting here with you today and we don't want to talk about the playoffs or baseball. We just want to finish watching the Packers/Saints game, drink our newly purchased pumpkin ale, nap, and then watch the Giants game. Lisa arrived at Serena's house during the second quarter of the Jets/49ers game (what an abortion of a football game). We napped during halftime. Watched the second half. Bought beer. Ate. Watched the first half of the Packers/Saints game. Thought that maybe we should start blogging just to get it over with. Bitched about a variety of things. Finally started blogging.

Here's why we're feeling just a touch flat about the playoffs. That stupid added Wild Card team. It's literally the dumbest idea we've ever heard of. We've come up with more brilliant plans following Jameson shots than this asinine piece of work that the MLB has come up with. That's really saying something because we never remember what happens following Jameson shots. It's bad enough that oftentimes Wild Card teams defeat teams that legitimately have the best record in the league, but you know what? Sh*t happens. Now you're telling us that there is potential for an even sh*ttier team to defeat the team with the best record. Here's how it should work: when you're in little league baseball and you suck, you shouldn't get a trophy. The kids who play the best and win should get a trophy. That's what makes winning so valuable. You get rewarded for your hard work! What's the point in playing if you're going to get a trophy regardless? Why bother putting in effort?

A lot of old-schoolers don't like the Wild Card to begin with. Lisa doesn't love it, Serena's okay with it. It kind of makes things exciting as the season draws near as we wait and see who will qualify. A second Wild Card team from each league is just a joke. You're talking about a team who will have a vastly worse record than the Division leader, yet we're going to reward them for an entire season of mediocrity. Let's look at the NL East for an example. Both the Nationals and Braves have both clinched playoff berths. The next two teams vying for a Wild Card spot are the Cardinals and Dodgers. Both the Nationals and Braves are teams with over 90 wins apiece. The Cardinals and Dodgers currently stand at 85 and 83 wins respectively. That's a gap of 10 victories and yet these two teams get to contend with the same Wild Card spot as the Nationals and Braves? That's not fair. Clearly the Nationals and Braves have been more successful all season. They should be rewarded, not penalized. If the season ended today with the Nationals clinching the NL East with the Braves and Cardinals competing for the Wild Card spot in a one-game playoff, the weaker team could beat the better one just because they performed better in ONE game. It's total bullsh*t.

Baseball notes: RA Dickey, Jered Weaver, and David Price got their 20 wins this week. Hooray for them. Apparently 20-game win seasons are being handed out like wh*res hand out favors.

Today, Mike Trout became the first major league rookie to hit 30 home runs and steal 40 bases...ever. As in, no other rookie has ever done that before. Which basically makes Mike Trout a real American hero.

And that's it right away, as Serena's old boss, Tommy, would say. Peace out, motha fuckaaaaaahs!