Saturday, November 12, 2011

After These Messages

We know that our typical blog day is Sunday (and don’t worry, you’ll still get a blog tomorrow. We know how poorly you all deal with change), but we’re posting our pathetic poll results and baseball notes today so that tomorrow’s post can strictly focus on the rewrite of our trip to Philly in 2008. We’ve posted a new poll that you won’t vote on because that’s been you’re your MO from this blog’s inception. So, good job, guys. Way to not exercise your mouse-clicking finger.

Needless to say our most recent poll failed to live up to its “legen-wait for it-dary” potential. In the two weeks that it graced the blog, the How I Met Your Mother poll managed to earn 8 lousy votes. The only good thing about this is that you guys actually voted on both the Lisa poll and Serena poll, so that’s a vast improvement from the last time we offered you two polls at the same time. We asked which character from How I Met Your Mother was most similar to us (admittedly, this has stemmed from the fact that we’ve caught a lot of HIMYM marathons recently). Truthfully, some of your answers scared us just a tad. 5 of you thought that Lisa was Ted because she is constantly searching for her one true love. Serena felt like this was a given because Lisa is clearly Ted. Period. True, she does have a gambling problem like Barney (1 person voted for this), but aside from the gambling, she literally has nothing in common with that character. No one voted for Lily or Robin, but 2 of you jack-a-loons actually chose Marshall after Serena deliberately added the following statement to that poll choice: “actually she’s nothing like Marshall. If you pick this option, you’re an a-hole.” Don’t get us wrong. Marshall’s hilarious and Lisa might have a touch of a crush on him, but there is nothing remotely similar about Marshall and Lisa. Do you realize that this makes the 2 of you who voted for that option a-holes? Did you understand that when you decided to select that? Now…Serena, on the other hand, received quite the variety in terms of responses. Either she’s got multiple personalities or you people have no idea what you’re talking about. 1 person voted for Barney because she has a drinking problem, likes to suit up, and would kill to find someone to play laser tag with. We suppose that’s all valid statements however she’s not as much of a d*ck as Barney is. At least, that’s what we like to think. You might have a different opinion on the subject. 1 person chose Lily because she is also obsessed with Christmas. She’s like an alcoholic Santa’s Helper. Just so you’re aware, we had to think long and hard to come up with an option for Serena to be compared to Lily. Why? Because she has nothing else that could possibly relate her to Lily. So you, sir or madam, who voted for Lily are wrong. FYI. 2 people chose Ted because she would do something as stupid as stealing a blue horn from the wall of a local restaurant. This is just bizarre. Yes, she’d probably steal something as cool as a blue horn, but do you know why he stole that blue horn? To impress Robin. Serena would steal that horn just because. She’s nowhere near as girly as Ted is. She’d eat a dude like Ted for a mid-morning snack and forget all about him by lunchtime. 1 person voted for Marshall because she would relish the idea of winning a slap bet and having the opportunity to slap Barney 5 times at any time from now until eternity. You’re probably right. In fact, when she read this, she started laughing. 3 of you voted for Robin because she also has a dude’s personality trapped inside a chick’s body. It kind of hurts when YOU tell her this, but yeah. This can’t entirely be denied. Serena is probably most similar to Robin. However, she isn’t exactly a boy trapped in a girl’s body. She DOES have some girly traits. We promise. You should see her shoe closet and she owns dresses. Swear. She even wears them. We did have a Facebook fan mention that he wasn’t too familiar with HIMYM, which gave him difficulty when it came to voting. Was that the problem? You guys never watched the show? What would’ve been better for you? He mentioned NYPD Blue, but we never watched that show.  

Okay, enough of that. The big news of the week has been the kidnapping of Nationals’ catcher Wilson Ramos in Venezuela. 50 hours after of being abducted on the front lawn of his mother’s house in broad daylight, Ramos was rescued by Venezuelan authorities following a 15-minute gunfight. Justice Minister Tareck El Aissami, who announced the news of the rescue last night, said that the police had 3 men in custody, one of them being a Columbian that is “linked to paramilitary groups and to kidnapping groups.” Authorities are still gathering evidence to determine if there was anyone else involved in this senseless crime. There had been a candlelight vigil held at Nationals Ballpark behind the center field gate during the day yesterday. Approximately 100 fans showed up to pay their respects. Apparently Venezuela has been ranked at the top of the list in murder rates and kidnappings in the world. This is some scary sh*t. The Ramos family is extremely lucky as many families never see their loved ones again.

Other tid bits from around the league seem to pale in comparison to Ramos’ story, but we feel obligated to talk about it anyway. First, the fun, uplifting stuff. Robin Ventura is back in Chicago, replacing Ozzie Guillen as manager! We LOVE Ventura. He’s a great guy, was fantastic hitter, and an outstanding third basemen (and we know how critical Serena is of third basemen). Serena still can’t figure out what the purpose was of getting rid of him for Aaron Boone. Not that Boone’s a douchebag, but c’mon. Watching him play third is like watching an apprentice attempt to replicate the Sistine Chapel. Just not the same. If you’re gonna replace someone, don’t downgrade.

Speaking of douchebag, Jonathan Papelbon will be joining a roster of douchebags next season! Papelbon recently signed a 4-year deal with the Phillies for $50 million. Apparently this is the largest contract for a closer in baseball history. Isn’t that sweet? It includes an option for a fifth season that could increase the value to $60 million. According to some sources, Phillies GM Ruben Amaro Jr. is now on the hunt for Michael Cuddyer. Can the Twins really afford to let Cuddy walk? They’ve already allowed Jim Thome to go to the Phillies!!! Why, Thome, WHY? Furthermore, there’s a chance they’ll lose Jason Kubel to free agency this offseason as well. Amaro also has to deal with the fact that Jimmy Rollins and Ryan Madson are up for grabs.

Other names potentially seeking other employment opportunities this offseason? A-hole Beltran, we mean Carlos, Yuniesky Betancourt, Jonathan Broxton, Mark Buerhle, Bartolo Colon, Prince Fielder, Brad Lidge, David Ortiz, Roy Oswalt, Jorge Posada, Lazy Reyes, we mean Jose, CJ Wilson, Tim Wakefield, and some guy named Albert Pujols. You may have heard of him. Serena’ll take Oswalt. She can live with the Yankees signing him. : ) Maybe he’ll balance out the fact that a basket case with terrible, terrible hair is the Yankees’ supposed #2 guy. Lisa’s simply looking forward to unloading yet another arrogant and lazy piece of garbage that cares more for himself than the fans and actually trying to win a game.


  1. Awwww com'on. Douchebags? Really? And I gave you the secret location of cheesesteak gold. I'm kinda hurt.

  2. C'Mon. Admit it. You've got some douchies on your team. We do too...your team just has more of them unfortunately. Food's got nothing to do with personality.

  3. You said a roster of douchies. A few, yeah, not a roster. And your allotment of them is, admittedly, dwindling, but I have faith in the Mets organization to finding and or converting a whole new batch.

    Seriously, I've been to a few Mets/Phillies games, and you're right, there is a whole passel of douchebags at each one, of both flavors. Unfortunately, many are in the stands.

  4. It's not as funny to say Papelbon is joining a sprinkle of douchies as it is to say a roster. And unfortunately, there's so fixing the fans but we are hoping to study said douchies in person this season. Will keep you posted on our findings.

  5. You make a good point, there, nothing screams laugh like hyperbole. :^) Keep up the good work.