Why Can’t We Be Friends? (Part 2 in a Series)

Before we get into today’s post topic, we have some housekeeping to take care of. For starters, poll results. Last week, we d*cked you over with a BS post because we are lazy. Yes, we can blame it on Chipotle and yes, we can blame it on the serendipitous timing of an Archer marathon, but really it just boils down to the fact that we’re lazy. We were curious to know if you guys would even notice that we blew you off, so we asked “do you feel like we gypped you this week?” Only 2 people voted, which makes us think that no one really noticed our absence, BUT the 2 people voted for “no, you DID promise us a video in the near future.” And we aim to keep that promise! Just not this week. The video content is totally unrelated to today’s blog post AND we’ve relocated our blogging headquarters this weekend and since Serena’s apartment is still in shambles, there’s not much space for us to film the footage. Hopefully by next weekend, we’ll have enough room cleared out that we can shoot us performing the different stages of burpees. Try not to piss yourself with excitement. This would be a good time to mention our Super Hero of the Week. This week’s honor goes to Jerry for moving Serena’s dining set like a f*cking champ. He basically carried it on one pinky held above his head. He’s pretty much the strongest man alive. Stronger than Thor even.

2013 Stadium Tour Update: Our tickets to the Cardinals/Padres game on July 19^th have officially been purchased!! Even better is that our tickets are actually physically being mailed to Lisa’s house. Random side rant (RSR): we totally hate the fact that 90% of events these days force you to print your tickets at home. The sheets of paper are big, easily damaged, and simply not sexy. Tickets used to be a memento of a fun time. How are you sticking a piece of computer paper in your scrapbook? To top it off, Ticketmaster CHARGES you a convenience fee to print off these tickets on YOUR printer, with YOUR ink, and YOUR paper. So the fee is for what? Converting the ticket into a PDF file? We can do that ourselves with our Adobe. We’re already doing everything else here, why not just have us convert the file as well? And that’s all we have to say about that.

Next item on our stadium tour to do list is to purchase tickets to a stadium tour of Busch Stadium (that’s what he said…har har). We’re trying to sex things up for you. Change it up a bit so our relationship doesn’t go stale. Second item on our to do list? Actually get the time off from work for this trip. We’re sitting here planning and booking an entire vacation and neither of us have the time off approved. We MAY be scheduling a tragic illness for the month of July…

Finally, today’s blog topic. Last year, we talked about how we were going to start a series of blog posts covering rivalries entitled “What Can’t We Be Friends?” Can you remember how many of these posts we actually produced last year? One. That’s it. Just one. Our bad. We vowed to rectify the situation and today we’re covering the Mets/Phillies rivalry AND we’ll soon be covering the Yankees/Red Sox rivalry, so that should be exciting for you.

Like last year’s Subway Series blog, we needed to conduct research. Finding Mets fans to speak to was fairly simple. Phillies fans, on the other hand, proved quite challenging. We put out the call on Facebook, Twatter, and even sent personal emails to the few Phillies fans we knew. Guess how many Phillies fans answered that call? TWO. Technically, they only count as one because it was a married couple and they answered together. Needless to say, this experiment was a fail. Phillies fans, this was YOUR chance to shine. To potentially dispel the rumors going around that you’re all a bunch of f*cking a-holes. You failed miserably. This is why you guys are the a-hole of the week (except for Melissa and her hubby, who actually took time out to answer our questions, despite Melissa’s trepidation that we were “going to make fun of her”). To keep things consistent, we asked the same initial 4 questions and then asked follow-up questions based on their answers if we deemed it necessary. We also kept our own opinions out of the equation (no matter how difficult it was at times) so as to a) prevent anyone from feeling like they’re being picked on, b) promote total honesty, and c) prevent our opinion from swaying anyone’s responses.

Being that we only have one legit Phillies fan’s feedback, it is hard to draw concrete conclusions on the mindset in the City of Brotherly Love, but we’ll do our best to portray everyone fairly. The first question we asked our participants (Melissa/Hubby, Randy, Daniel, Kevin, Joel, and Pete) was “Do you hate the Mets/Phillies? If so, why do you think many Mets/Phillies fans hate the Mets/Phillies?” We specifically asked them not to reply “Mets/Phillies suck” because that is the reply of drunk, ignorant f*ckheads and vacant morons of that kind are not welcome on this blog. And they just can’t sit with us at the bar. We’ll not tolerate that kind of nonsense. Our only Phillies fan, Melissa and Hubby are confessed Mets haters. Their reasoning started off so logical by talking about the Mets and Phillies being division rivals. Then things went below the belt: “We hate the Mets fans coming to our stadium to watch a game (this is not the hitting below the belt part…we actually hate when our stadiums are invaded by the opposing fans as well) because their stadium is garbage and overpriced.” Ouch. In Citi Field’s defense (and this is hardly a defense), EVERYTHING in New York is overpriced. A hot dog from a street vendor is too much damn money, nevermind the crap that’s got a price tag on it at sporting venue. Perhaps Mets fans are traveling to Philly to catch a game AND a cheesesteak sandwich? Don’t get us wrong. The sandwiches at Citi Field and Yankees Stadium are delicious, but they simply do not compare to the ones we chowed down in Philly. Regardless, this is their opinion and they’re entitled. Let’s discuss what our Mets fans had to say about the Phillies, shall we?

The common consensus with the Mets fans we polled is that they don’t necessarily hate the Phillies per say. Their problem lies with the fans of the team. The most common term thrown around to describe the fans was “arrogant a-holes.” The second most used term was “ignorant.” Randy didn’t always hate them, but recently they’ve become “those annoying newbie Boston Red Sox fans that suddenly appeared…arrogant like they have won back to back to back World Series…unearned arrogance.” Pete cited the fans as having “short term memories and don’t seem to remember how many years/decades their team was at the bottom of the heap” as well as harboring an inferiority complex toward New York City in general because “they’re jealous of our city.” Joel (yes, the same Joel that hasn’t registered for the Spartan Race at Citi Field) corroborated Randy’s and Pete’s feelings by stating that “the Braves win 14 or so Division titles in a row, but the Phillies fans are acting like the Phillies are a dynasty.” Joel took it one step further and approached the topic that’s heartbreaking to most Mets fans: the historic collapse of 2007 (Lisa didn’t want to talk about it). “Phillies fans will always have that to harp on and of course, still do…I am just disgusted with the Mets in general for that year, but the Phillies are forever linked to it.” Daniel (GM/writer of the blog, “Mets Are Better Than Sex” –check it out) didn’t bother beating around the bush, stating right out the gate that “their fans are arrogant a-holes, to put it bluntly. I understand that not all of them are a-holes, but for the most part, their reputation precedes them.” At least acknowledged awareness that not ALL fans are a-holes. “For a team with the most losses in MLB baseball history, they have no business puffing up their chests the way they do.” What have these conversations taught us? The Phillies, as an organization, isn’t always so bad, but their fans are. In short, the fans talk the talk, but the team doesn’t necessarily walk the walk.

Our second question was “Have you personally had a negative experience with a Mets/Phillies fan?” Melissa/Hubby had admitted to never personally speaking to a Mets fan before, but had the displeasure of having loud-mouthed Mets fans sit near them at the game. We wanted to find out more about this particular experience, but unfortunately, Melissa/Hubby didn’t have the chance to response to our follow-up questions regarding this instance. We simply have to assume that they were typical obnoxious fans.

Pete and Joel both had very specific negative experiences with Phillies fans, whereas Daniel replied simply: “No and let’s keep it that way.” Pete took his 8-year old son to a Mets/Phillies game at Citizen Bank Park, thinking that a child in Mets gear would be off limits to razzing. It turned out not to be the case. Among the “vulgar” comments directed toward them was “Hey, f*ck you, Mets fans, go back to New York!” It’s safe to assume that the phrase “Ear Muffs” wasn’t said prior to the F Bomb drop. Joel attended a Mets/Phillies game at Shea Stadium back when the Mets were experimenting with Mike Piazza at first and Jim Thome manned first for the Phillies. During the 5^th inning, Joel snuck down to some empty seats on the first base side because Piazza and Thome were two of his favorite MLB players. Not only did a nearby Phillies fan rag on Piazza on every single play, but he also ragged on Thome!! His own player! Joel thought “in a nutshell, he is a good representation of the perception I have of Phillies fans and fans of Philidelphia sports, in general.”

Our third question was “Do you look forward to games in which the Phillies and Mets face off?” Finally, at long last, we had unity across the fan bases. Everyone polled look forward to the matchups (unlike Lisa, who dreads it), citing the division rivalry aspect. Kevin ( @MrMetKevC on Twatter – look him up), in particular, explained its excitement stems from the fact that “in recent years, they have been Division leaders and always tough to go up against a tough starting rotation. Nice measuring stick per say” (that’s what she said…sorry, it couldn’t be helped). Being that the games are between two Division rivals, Daniel added that, “I feel fans get extra motivated on both sides, the passion comes out, and this is what rivalries are all about.” Joel went beyond the excitement that comes with facing a Division rivalry and added that since the Mets haven’t been real contenders of late, “if the Mets are only gonna win 70-75 games [in a season], I would like as many of them [the wins] as possible to be against the Phillies, Braves, and Nationals within the Division.” He also explained that “the rivalry is nowhere near the relevance of some of the more recognizable rivalries like say, the Red Sox-Yankees, but the animosity is pretty real. Nice to quiet the Phillies faithful down a bit, plus awesome to see how quickly they turn on their own and eat them.” Our token Phillies fan, Melissa/Hubby, looked forward to the games only when they had meaning to the standings.

We blindsided our Mets fans with our final question: “Do you hate the Yankees more than the Phillies? Why or Why not?” (Melissa/Hubby were asked, “Is there a team you hate more than the Mets? Why or Why not?”). All of our Mets fans, except Randy, hated the Phillies more than the Yankees, but some walked a very thin line in their hatred. Animosity toward the Phillies tipped the balance because as Kevin states, “their success directly impacts where the Mets finish up in the standings and what moves they may or may not need to make in the offseason.” Ask why Randy hated the Yankees more. “Cause they suck!” A-hole. Though we’ll acknowledge that he DID follow-up that statement with, “LOL.” Randy cites, “Mets little brother syndrome” as the reason behind his dislike for the Yankees, but we’re not sure why the Yankees deserve his anger more than the Phillies. Sadly, we failed to think of this at the time of the interview, so we never asked the follow-up, so Randy, inquiring minds want to know: “Why do the Phillies get a bye over the Yankees?” Daniel and Pete pulled a Johnny Cash and walked the line between the Phillies and Yankees. Pete went so far as to basically pretend that 2009 World Series did not happen. An Urban Legend, if you will. However, his hatred can’t be that intense because he went a married a Yankees fan! Awwwww, harmony among the subways. In Daniel’s opinion, “real Mets fans hate both [Phillies and Yankees]…with the Yankees, it’s more of a ‘they have what we wish we had’ type of hate.” Naturally, since this blog is built on the platform that Yankees and Mets fans truly can love one another, Daniel’s statement prompted immediate follow-up: “Are we not real fans?” Daniel quickly whistled a different tune (but it might be because he finds us incredibly intimidating as we ARE Spartans-in-training) and explained, “that it was the passionate fan in him speaking. The rational fan in him has grown to respect the Yankees fan (or Serena’s overwhelmingly large biceps and ninja-like skills, perhaps? We think so. We’re watching you, Daniel. We. Are. Watching. You. You better call Kenny Loggins cos’ you’re in the Danger Zone). We have to live with them, so we might as well hold a truce. This city is big enough for both teams and their fans.”As for our Phillies fan(s), Melissa/Hubby hate the Braves even more than the Phillies because “Ted Turner is an a$$...and the tomahawk chop is annoying.” Melissa and Mr. Melissa? Can we get a CHUUUUUUURCH for that one?

In conclusion, we feel strongly that we’ve gotten down to the root of the problem in Flushing. We have a deeper understanding of what motivates the typical Mets fan (and by “typical,” we do not mean the “Blah Blah Blah SUCKS” people, who are a drain on our society as a whole and not very creative cheerleaders). As for the City of Brotherly Love, we are no further along in understanding them than before, but the evidence strongly suggests that it does not bode well for Brotherly Love. More like Brotherly Hate. If only you people had answered our request. You could’ve defended yourselves to our entire community – all 10 people based in the Bay Area (and Michigan).

We want to extend a major thank you to our participants for taking the time out to answer all of our questions thoughtfully and willingly braving an appearance on the blog. You’ve just committed social suicide on our behalf and we appreciate you for that.

Dear Murphy – Part 2

Last week on the Traveling Baseball Babes, you met some of MLB’s hottest wives and their ugly counterparts. We asked which ugly man had the hottest bitch. Of 4 votes (apparently this post didn’t appeal to you so much), 2 of you felt that Brett Tomko’s former Playmate was the hottest. Honestly, we feel that you probably Googled her and got the same message we did: “These images contain graphic content that may explode your hard drive and include naked pictures of women with donkeys.” WE didn’t proceed with checking those images out because while we’re curious, we fear for the safety of Serena’s internet machine and let’s face it, if we’re going to risk hard drive safety, we’re going to do for David Beckham or some male equally as hot, if not hotter (if there is such a creature). 1 person chose Russell Martin’s bitch and 1 person chose Brad Penny’s menagerie of bitches. No one chose Johnny Damon’s.  

Before we continue with the rest of today’s post, we’d like to announce a new feature to our blog. As you know, we currently have a spot for the TBB Super Hero of the Week. Going forward, we’ve decided to add another spotlight: TBB A-hole of the Week. This week’s a-hole is none other than the King of A-holes, Roger Clemens. On the flip side, our Super Hero of the Week is Jim Thome for smashing his 13^th career walk off home run in the Phillies’ 7-6 victory over the Rays yesterday. The 13 walk off home runs are a major league best…in history.

We know we promised you a follow-up Subway Series post this week, but we are unable to deliver on this promise. It’ll have to wait until next week. For starters, we had a really busy week (helloooooo, Fred K’s Cancer was on Saturday!) and second of all…we kind of forgot…until last night. Because we forgot, we never set up a date with our Subway Series rival fans. We’ll make it up to you, we promise. Until then, we have something better for you. A post about a moustache.  Has anyone seen Daniel Murphy yet? He has grown an offensive moustache. It’s truly terrible. It’s worse than Barry Zito’s porn-stache, which is pretty hard to top. Observe:

It’s become quite clear that Murphy needs our help, so we decided to write him a letter. He needs friends like us to tell him the truth because the Mets’ clubhouse is apparently made up of liars.

Dear Murphy,

How are you? It’s been awhile. We’ve missed you. St. Patrick’s Day was not the same without you. We had an awesome time. You would’ve enjoyed the Guinness hats we stole. You probably could’ve driven us to Taco Bell that night instead of making us go to bed hungry and in utter disarray. But we understand. You had spring training. We get it.

Since we’re such BFF’s, we feel that we can tell each other everything. We’re basically in the Share Circle 24/7. Like that time that Lisa had spinach in her teeth? And you told her? Before she took that picture? That was super awesome of you. And then that time you told Serena that her ass was getting bigger and that she shouldn’t wear yoga pants anymore? That was really enlightening as well. It is in this aspect that we’re writing this letter. Since our friendship is based on honesty, we feel that it’s necessary we tell you this. We would’ve done it in person, but you’ve been a no-show every Monday night at Croxley’s for the last few months. It might have something to do with the fact that your team is usually playing around the time we’re there, but once in awhile, Murph, c’mon. Show face. It’s us. Your besties. Do us a solid.

Back to the situation at hand. It’s come to our attention via the MLB FanCave that you are sporting a caterpillar on your upper lip. By this point, being friends with us should’ve educated you on what proper and acceptable facial hair looks like and that moustache, good sir, is NOT what proper and acceptable facial hair looks like. You look like a Peeping Tom. Or a child with a fake moustache on. Take your pick as to which simile you prefer. Since our friendship began, we’ve written a total of 4 posts regarding attractive manscaping: Exhibit A, Exhibit B, Exhibit C, and Exhibit D. It’s sh*t like this that makes us think you don’t read our blog. That’s hurtful. We watch YOU play. We even supported you at the team shop at Citi Field when they put your St. Patrick’s Day merchandise on the clearance rack…in August. We insisted that they pull those red tags off and charge fans full price. Because that’s what friends are for. Yet you can’t take two minutes out your busy day to read our blog once a week? If you had, you would have realized that what you’ve grown is an abomination against mankind.

We’ll forgive you if you meet us at Croxley’s for beer and wings with that crap shaved off your face. If you show up with that creep-stache, we’re going to punch you in the balls and then dump our beers over your head, which you’ll have to pay for because you’ve upset us.

We understand that you may have grown attached to this feather boa that lays nestled beneath your nose and therefore, you may not be so willing to part with it. Allow us to ease your concern. For starters, in exchange for your shave, you’ll get to hang out with us. Why is this a consolation prize? We’re funny, have big boobs, we’re very, very funny, we’re the cherry of awesomeness on top of your awesome sundae, we have boobs (which are fun in any size so we’re told), and we’re going to be running in a zombie apocalypse 5K in October. Secondly, when your lips are feeling naked and exposed, you can always draw a moustache on your finger and hold it up to your lips. This is especially flexible because it’s temporary AND you can sport different styles of moustaches to suit your mood. It’s totally versatile. Finally, if inking your finger doesn’t appeal to you, there’s always the beer bottle moustache. As you can see, the beer bottle moustache allows you the comfort of having the moustache without the trouble of needing to shave it off. Plus, it’s f*cking hilarious. In a good way. Your current moustache is hilarious in a bad way. In a way that makes us point and laugh at you. We’re not trying to be mean here, Murph. We’re just trying to be honest. We’re just looking out for you like you’d look out for us. You’re never going to get laid with that look and as your wing women, it’s our duty to get you laid.

Please don’t throw in our faces that we like to wear moustaches as a defense for that bullsh*t that rests beneath your nose. We do not have real moustaches and the moustaches we pretend to rock are just funny. See the previous paragraph regarding the difference between funny and not funny moustaches.

You’re so lucky to have friends like us. Love you. Miss you. Kiss noise. See you at Croxley’s.

Sincerely,

Besties for Life, the Traveling Baseball Babes

PS-first round at Croxley’s is on you…you make more money than we do

PPS-Lisa wants to know if you’re coming out for her birthday. You still haven’t RSVP-ed. It’s bad enough that you missed Serena’s birthday in Atlantic City. Serena had to smoke your cigar and we had to cancel your spa appointment last minute and because it was so last minute, our credit card got charged. Please do make every effort to attend Lisa’s soiree. It’s the least you can do. Oh, and don’t you dare show up with that dirt smudge on your face.

PPPS-Barry Zito called. He wants his moustache back.

After These Messages

We know that our typical blog day is Sunday (and don’t worry, you’ll still get a blog tomorrow. We know how poorly you all deal with change), but we’re posting our pathetic poll results and baseball notes today so that tomorrow’s post can strictly focus on the rewrite of our trip to Philly in 2008. We’ve posted a new poll that you won’t vote on because that’s been you’re your MO from this blog’s inception. So, good job, guys. Way to not exercise your mouse-clicking finger.

Needless to say our most recent poll failed to live up to its “legen-wait for it-dary” potential. In the two weeks that it graced the blog, the How I Met Your Mother poll managed to earn 8 lousy votes. The only good thing about this is that you guys actually voted on both the Lisa poll and Serena poll, so that’s a vast improvement from the last time we offered you two polls at the same time. We asked which character from How I Met Your Mother was most similar to us (admittedly, this has stemmed from the fact that we’ve caught a lot of HIMYM marathons recently). Truthfully, some of your answers scared us just a tad. 5 of you thought that Lisa was Ted because she is constantly searching for her one true love. Serena felt like this was a given because Lisa is clearly Ted. Period. True, she does have a gambling problem like Barney (1 person voted for this), but aside from the gambling, she literally has nothing in common with that character. No one voted for Lily or Robin, but 2 of you jack-a-loons actually chose Marshall after Serena deliberately added the following statement to that poll choice: “actually she’s nothing like Marshall. If you pick this option, you’re an a-hole.” Don’t get us wrong. Marshall’s hilarious and Lisa might have a touch of a crush on him, but there is nothing remotely similar about Marshall and Lisa. Do you realize that this makes the 2 of you who voted for that option a-holes? Did you understand that when you decided to select that? Now…Serena, on the other hand, received quite the variety in terms of responses. Either she’s got multiple personalities or you people have no idea what you’re talking about. 1 person voted for Barney because she has a drinking problem, likes to suit up, and would kill to find someone to play laser tag with. We suppose that’s all valid statements however she’s not as much of a d*ck as Barney is. At least, that’s what we like to think. You might have a different opinion on the subject. 1 person chose Lily because she is also obsessed with Christmas. She’s like an alcoholic Santa’s Helper. Just so you’re aware, we had to think long and hard to come up with an option for Serena to be compared to Lily. Why? Because she has nothing else that could possibly relate her to Lily. So you, sir or madam, who voted for Lily are wrong. FYI. 2 people chose Ted because she would do something as stupid as stealing a blue horn from the wall of a local restaurant. This is just bizarre. Yes, she’d probably steal something as cool as a blue horn, but do you know why he stole that blue horn? To impress Robin. Serena would steal that horn just because. She’s nowhere near as girly as Ted is. She’d eat a dude like Ted for a mid-morning snack and forget all about him by lunchtime. 1 person voted for Marshall because she would relish the idea of winning a slap bet and having the opportunity to slap Barney 5 times at any time from now until eternity. You’re probably right. In fact, when she read this, she started laughing. 3 of you voted for Robin because she also has a dude’s personality trapped inside a chick’s body. It kind of hurts when YOU tell her this, but yeah. This can’t entirely be denied. Serena is probably most similar to Robin. However, she isn’t exactly a boy trapped in a girl’s body. She DOES have some girly traits. We promise. You should see her shoe closet and she owns dresses. Swear. She even wears them. We did have a Facebook fan mention that he wasn’t too familiar with HIMYM, which gave him difficulty when it came to voting. Was that the problem? You guys never watched the show? What would’ve been better for you? He mentioned NYPD Blue, but we never watched that show.  

Okay, enough of that. The big news of the week has been the kidnapping of Nationals’ catcher Wilson Ramos in Venezuela. 50 hours after of being abducted on the front lawn of his mother’s house in broad daylight, Ramos was rescued by Venezuelan authorities following a 15-minute gunfight. Justice Minister Tareck El Aissami, who announced the news of the rescue last night, said that the police had 3 men in custody, one of them being a Columbian that is “linked to paramilitary groups and to kidnapping groups.” Authorities are still gathering evidence to determine if there was anyone else involved in this senseless crime. There had been a candlelight vigil held at Nationals Ballpark behind the center field gate during the day yesterday. Approximately 100 fans showed up to pay their respects. Apparently Venezuela has been ranked at the top of the list in murder rates and kidnappings in the world. This is some scary sh*t. The Ramos family is extremely lucky as many families never see their loved ones again.

Other tid bits from around the league seem to pale in comparison to Ramos’ story, but we feel obligated to talk about it anyway. First, the fun, uplifting stuff. Robin Ventura is back in Chicago, replacing Ozzie Guillen as manager! We LOVE Ventura. He’s a great guy, was fantastic hitter, and an outstanding third basemen (and we know how critical Serena is of third basemen). Serena still can’t figure out what the purpose was of getting rid of him for Aaron Boone. Not that Boone’s a douchebag, but c’mon. Watching him play third is like watching an apprentice attempt to replicate the Sistine Chapel. Just not the same. If you’re gonna replace someone, don’t downgrade.

Speaking of douchebag, Jonathan Papelbon will be joining a roster of douchebags next season! Papelbon recently signed a 4-year deal with the Phillies for $50 million. Apparently this is the largest contract for a closer in baseball history. Isn’t that sweet? It includes an option for a fifth season that could increase the value to $60 million. According to some sources, Phillies GM Ruben Amaro Jr. is now on the hunt for Michael Cuddyer. Can the Twins really afford to let Cuddy walk? They’ve already allowed Jim Thome to go to the Phillies!!! Why, Thome, WHY? Furthermore, there’s a chance they’ll lose Jason Kubel to free agency this offseason as well. Amaro also has to deal with the fact that Jimmy Rollins and Ryan Madson are up for grabs.

Other names potentially seeking other employment opportunities this offseason? A-hole Beltran, we mean Carlos, Yuniesky Betancourt, Jonathan Broxton, Mark Buerhle, Bartolo Colon, Prince Fielder, Brad Lidge, David Ortiz, Roy Oswalt, Jorge Posada, Lazy Reyes, we mean Jose, CJ Wilson, Tim Wakefield, and some guy named Albert Pujols. You may have heard of him. Serena’ll take Oswalt. She can live with the Yankees signing him. : ) Maybe he’ll balance out the fact that a basket case with terrible, terrible hair is the Yankees’ supposed #2 guy. Lisa’s simply looking forward to unloading yet another arrogant and lazy piece of garbage that cares more for himself than the fans and actually trying to win a game.

TBB Spring Training

Last week’s blog was admittedly a ridiculous fake letter to Daniel Murphy. In spirit of this ridiculousness, we asked you if thought it would be an awesome idea if Murphy sent us a friend request on Facebook. For some reason, only 4 of you chose to provide input. Are you saying that this poll was not worth voting on? We find that a little insulting, but we did give you an extremely stupid blog last week, so maybe we deserved that. The good news is that all 4 voters felt that he should totally friend request us! We seem pretty harmless and after all and our BFFer is that guy from Oakland, so clearly we’re trust worthy baseball player friends. You hear that, Murphy? We’re totally trust worthy! We’ll be expecting your friend request in our inbox by tomorrow morning. Thanks.

At blogging time, Spring Training is only 25 short days away and MLB Opening Day is exactly 65 days from now! We’re so excited that we can practically taste those grilled hot dogs and Premio sausage sandwiches already! Since our whole purpose for this blog depends heavily on the season starting, we figured you might be wondering how the TBB prepare for the regular season every year. Well, we’ve laid out our training regime in all its glory for you. Without further delay, we present to you “TBB Spring Training:”
It goes without saying that we plan as much of our stadium touring vacations as we possibly can without actually being able to book anything until regular season tickets go on sale. We routinely check airfares, hotel availability, and team schedules (including their promotional schedule). We also sign up for the teams’ mailing list that we plan on traveling to (in this season’s case, Angels, Dodgers, and Padres) just so that we’re on the up and up as to when tickets go on sale. Of course, we also monitor ticket sales for the Mets and Yankees as they are our teams of choice. In the meantime, we wait patiently and gaze longingly at our suitcases…
Touring stadiums is hard work. There’s a lot of walking involved, carrying suitcases up flights of stairs when your hotels don’t have elevators, etc. There’s also a lot of picturing taking involved. Not just for the memories, but we write this blog with the purpose of sharing these stadiums with you…our 2 readers. Therefore, it’s imperative that we put the best foot forward, make a good impression, blah blah blah. What does this mean? We have to hit the gym in order to be in peak stadium touring form. Do you have any idea how much food and beer we intake over the course of a baseball season? Enough to warrant a gym membership trust us. Besides, if we didn’t hit the weights, there’s no way we would’ve been able to lug our overweight suitcases up three flights of stairs at the Inn at Queen Anne in Seattle.
As we’ve mentioned in previous blogs, we collect spare change to put toward our stadium trips. This year, we’ve added depositing recyclables to our penny pinching ways. This means stealing empty bottles from the office’s lunch meetings, saving our used water bottles, collecting Brother’s beer bottles and cans, and lugging plastic bags filled with this recyclable garbage to Stop n Shop’s deposit center on our lunch breaks.
Fred K’s Cancer is also a new addition to this off season. In order to raise money, we’ve decided to make cancer ribbons, bracelets, chocolate pops, and cookies to sell. All of this craftiness requires supplies, which in turn leads to countless trips to the various AC Moore and Michael’s locations around Long Island.
On an additional Fred K’s Cancer fundraising related note, after purchasing the aforementioned craft supplies, we’ve been put them to good use and have started selling these items! We’ve been quite successful with this aspect of the campaign so far, though we do admit that straight donations have been scarce. Hopefully, this will pick up as we get closer to the baseball season and have more opportunities to advertise the event.
The past few months have also been dedicated toward gearing up for the Ab Crunch Challenge to support St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital. You may recall that last year, Serena completed over 5,000 crunches in one hour and raised over $500 for the cause. 5,000 crunches meant that Lisa had to click the unyielding button on the counter over 5,000 times. That is some serious thumb endurance if you ask us! Again, stamina such as this takes time and effort to build. Serena has spent many nights crunching her abs away while watching Secret Diary of a Call Girl and Supernatural, while Lisa has been building thumb strength by playing countless hours of Mortal Kombat on her old Sega Genesis. It’s been grueling, but we’re professionals so we can handle this kind of physical stress. Please, for your safety, amateurs should not attempt this.
In a less serious form of off season training, you may have noticed that the TBB have become avid letter writers. The weird thing is that we never actual send these letters to the individuals, but once in awhile we do post the extra special ones here...much to your joy, we’re sure. In addition to the David Wright letters and last week’s Murphy letter, we’ve written letters to Barry Zito, Mr. Met, Jose Reyes, the mayor of DC, and bad luck Laurie for wearing white pants after Labor Day. We find that letter writing, especially when directed toward players, keeps us in touch with our thoughts and feelings on the sport. Even our letter to DC’s mayor was related to baseball in that we wrote it with the purpose of discussing our road trip to RFK Stadium. And while white pants after Labor Day doesn’t have a whole lot to do with baseball, Laurie is a Mets fan and that should count for something. We are currently planning to write a letter to the Mets organization demanding the reinstatement of the original home run apple. Just so you’re aware. Keep your eyes peeled.
To pass the endless, empty time without baseball, we turn to football. In this area, our New York Giants failed to appease the hunger for quality competitive sports, but thankfully, Mark Sanchez and the Jets stepped up to the plate, if only for two rounds of post season action. That’s nothing to be ashamed about, Mark! You did a fine job, especially considering no one expected you to make it as far as you did. Sadly, the February 7th Super Bowl will signal an end to this favorite activity of ours. We’ll have to find something else to fill the time with…like eating.
In addition to fundraising, prepping mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually for the upcoming baseball season, and getting our finances in order to pay for the upcoming baseball season, we’re also excellent party planners. It’s true. Derek Jeter has even gone so far as to hire us as his wedding coordinators. We’re aware that there are numerous rumors circling about how the wedding is a hoax, but we assure you that on November 5, 2010, Derek (we’re on a first name basis with him now) will be marrying Minka Kelly at Oheka Castle on Long Island. Trust us. We would never lie to you. As those of you who’ve been involved with weddings before know, planning a wedding is never an easy ordeal. It’s even more difficult when dealing with a wedding of this magnitude and celebrity status! The guest list and the invites alone have been time consuming, what with some of the premier names being Jay-Z, Sarah Jessica Parker, CC Sabathia, Don Mattingly, Kate Beckinsale, President Obama and Michelle, Spiderman, the Traveling Baseball Babes, Erin and Matt…It’s just exhausting! Plus the flowers, decorations, Minka’s dress, party favors, assorted pastries, and the shipment of snow white doves all of the way from England! Needless to say, we’ve had our hands full with this one.
Finally, the moment you real sports fans have been waiting for! Actual baseball related news! This week’s baseball notes: It appears that Baltimore and Miguel Tejada will be reuniting! On Monday, ESPN.com announced that Tejada has agreed to a 1 year/$6 million deal with the Orioles. With Melvin Mora’s release and the expectation that Cesar Izturis will remain at short stop, Tejada is joining the team in a new role: third baseman. According to Tejada, he’s been “mentally and physically…getting ready to play third base since the season ended last year.” Well…the good news is that he’s prepared.

In somewhat perplexing news, Ozzie Guillen informed Jim Thome that the White Sox wouldn’t be offering him a chance to be included among the team’s cast of designated hitters. Guillen didn’t think that he could guarantee Thome enough at bats to warrant bringing him back. In place of Thome (a Chicago fan favorite, mind you and let’s be serious. Who can blame them?), Guillen plans on rotating Paul Konerko, Andruw Jones, Mark Kotsay, and Omar Vizquel in the DH spot. So…you’d rather have a “douche nozzle” (to quote Matt) like Jones in the lineup over Thome. We’re thinking the White Sox will probably be kicking themselves by the end of the season thanks to this one. Especially since Thome remained unemployed for a mere evening as the White Sox’s arch division nemesis, the Twins, snapped him up the following day. The Twins and Thome have agreed to a 1 year/$1.5 million contract. Of his 564 career home runs, Thome has hit 57 of them with the White Sox against the Twins. Wonder how the White Sox pitching will fare when facing their former teammate? Hmmmm…makes us contemplate wanting to return to US Cellular just to witness that comeback.

In former Mets and Yankees news, Xavier Nady has agreed to a 1 year/$3.3 million contract with the Cubs that include performance bonuses that could potentially bring his earnings to $5.35 million. Last season, Nady had a second round of Tommy John surgery on his right arm and is reportedly doing well in rehab. He will be missed. Hopefully, he’ll never pull a Milton Bradley and throw a live ball into the stands, allowing runners to advance. We’re not sure Cubs fans will be able to deal with another scenario like that.

On Tuesday at the Mets’ voluntary mini camp, Johan Santana threw off the mound for the first time since his surgery and said that he “felt good.” He threw about 25 pitches over the course of 6 minutes. Granted, neither of us are professional athletes, much less professional pitchers. In fact, the closest either of us has come to pitching was Serena standing on a softball mound during an “infield conference” prior to a game starting. Neither of us have ever had surgery on our arms either, so we’re not really sure how to judge a 6 minute throwing session that consisted of 25 pitches, but we’re thinking that if he didn’t feel good afterwards, it would probably be considered a serious problem. The Mets announced on Wednesday that (for now) Daniel Murphy is their first option for first base as Carlos Delgado and Fernando Tatis are both free agents. Murphy was the only position player to attend mini camp this week, which is a bit disgusting if you ask us. Don’t you people want to prepare for the upcoming season?! You’re paid an awful lot of money not to show up to mini camp. Good job, Murphy! We commend you for your dedication.

At long last, Serena’s dream appears to be coming true. The Yankees have agreed to terms with outfielder Randy Winn that is, of course, pending a physical, filling the empty gap in left field. The deal is $2 million for 1 year. What does this mean? It means that Johnny Damon is left in the cold. Last reports indicated that negotiations between the Yankees and Damon’s camp fizzled in December when Damon’s agent, Scott “Satan’s Minion” Boras, requested a $2 year/$20 million contract. Are you insane? $20 million for a man who can’t throw to the infield and will be 38 when his 2 year contract ends? Boras, have you learned nothing from that AROD free agency fiasco? You’re a true NTAC. Put the crack pipe down. Just put it down.

Let’s play the numbers game in order to hypothesize how the Yankees’ business decision played out. Let’s talk money first. Winn will get $2 million for 1 year. Damon asked for $20 million for 2 years. If we give Winn the second year and double his earnings, that puts him at $4 million. Clearly Damon’s asking fee could potentially send most budgets out of whack. Plus, taking a chance on an older outfield for 1 season isn’t nearly as risky as taking the chance for 2 seasons. Now for the offensive numbers. There is no doubt that the Yankees will miss Damon’s bat at the top of the lineup. In the 2009 regular season, the left handed hitter had 550 at bats in 143 games with a .282 average. He collected 155 hits, 24 home runs, 11 doubles, 5 triples, 71 walks, 98 strike outs, and 82 RBI’s. Winn is more of a “bottom of the lineup” kind of guy. In 2009, Winn had 538 at bats in 149 games (similar to Damon, which makes these stats pretty comparable) with a .262 average. He amassed 151 hits, 2 home runs (Yikes! A vast difference from Damon’s 24), 33 doubles (more than double Damon’s total, we’d like to point out), 5 triples, 47 walks, 93 strikeouts, and 51 RBI’s. Again, there is a huge gap between Damon’s 82 RBI total and Winn’s 51. However, if you think about the Giants offensive power and compare it to that of the Yankees’, it’s not really a fair comparison. The Yankees more than likely gave Damon more RBI opportunities than the Giants gave Winn. That being said, the Yankees are still losing a bat that launched 24 balls out of the park. One good thing that Winn brings to the plate is his ability to hit from both sides, whereas Damon only batted from the left. With the loss of Melky Cabrera, Winn’s flexibility at the plate provides Girardi more options. Lastly, defensive numbers. We’re aware that the glitz and glamour of the game comes from a heavy bat, but we feel (Serena in particular) that defense is just as important as offense. If your defense allows more runs than you can score, what good is it? Granted, we’re not looking for the King of Defense in the left field position, but we are asking that you play your position competently and by competent we mean not allowing runners to advance to an extra base because your throwing arm is worth crap. In 132 games in 2009, Damon had 231 “total chances (TC)” over the course of 1,117.2 innings. In that time, he committed 220 “put outs (PO),” 6 assists, and 5 errors. His “range factor (RF)” has been rated as 1.82 and his fielding percentage comes to .978 on the season. In 146 games and 1,191 innings, Winn had 287 TC. In that time, he committed 282 PO, 5 assists, and 0 errors (note: in more opportunities, Winn committed zero errors compared to Damon’s 5)! His RF is also rated higher than Damon’s at 2.17 and his fielding percentage was a perfect 1.000 on the season. Obviously, most people are going to lament the loss of Damon’s offensive capabilities, but Serena couldn’t be more pleased about the defensive situation. It is quite feasible that Winn’s fielding abilities may prevent more runs from being scored off of Yankees’ pitching, which Damon may have allowed. Just saying.