All We Want for Christmas

A sh*t storm went down last week. Talk about a Wind of Change. We think that maybe this is what the Scorpions were singing about. The baseball offseason. Makes total sense now. With all of the changes going down, we asked which team you felt should earn the Most Improved Award. 6 of you felt that the Marlins’ aggressive purchases make them most improved for the 2012 season. 1 person felt that the addition of Albert Pujols and CJ Wilson made the Angels most improved and 1 person thought that the departure of Jose Reyes made the Mets the most improved. Not a single soul voted for the Arizona Diamondbacks. So sad.

Not much in terms of transactions happening this week. Maybe the MLB has taken time off to do their holiday shopping. Outfielder Michael Cuddyer signed a 3-year deal with the Rockies worth just over $31 million, but the Rockies won’t make the official announcement until Cuddyer passes his physical.

As expected, the Phillies resigned Jimmy Rollins with a contract worth $33 million over 3 years and includes a vesting option for the 4^th year.

Last year, we gave you our rendition of the “12 Days of Christmas” called “The 12 Days of Torture.” In the spirit of the holidays, we’d like to present you with our cover of Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas.” It’s called “All We Want for Christmas.” We’re so creative, aren’t we?

We don’t want a lot for Christmas.

There’s just a couple of things we need.

We don’t care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree.

We just want some players for our own

more than you could ever know.

Make our wish come true.

All we want for Christmas

is for our teams to be improved.

(cue the silver bells)

We don’t want a lot for Christmas.

There’s just a couple of things we need.

We don’t care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree.

We don’t need to throw our traitor jerseys

there within the fireplace.

Santa Claus won’t make us happy

with Carlos Beltran on Christmas Day.

We just want some players for our own

more than you could ever know.

Make our wish come true.

All we want for Christmas

is for our teams to be improved.

Improved, baby.

Oh, we won’t ask for much this Christmas.

We won’t even wish to bid for Norichika Aoki

and we’re just gonna keep on waiting

for spring training.

We won’t make a list and send it

to New York City for Fred Wilpon.

We won’t even hold our breaths to

hear that the Yankees signed Roy Oswalt.

Cause we just want a team that wins

without giving us a bunch of douches.

What more can we do?

Baby, all we want for Christmas

is for our teams to be improved.

Improved.

Oh, the Marlins are spending

money everywhere

and the sound of Mets fans

moaning fills the air.

And Angels fans are singing.

We don’t hear any change jingling.

Santa, won’t you bring us what we need?

Won’t you please give both of our teams a good year?

Oh, we don’t want a lot for Christmas.

This is all we’re asking for.

We just want to see our teams

in the playoffs next year.

We just want some players for our own

more than you could ever know.

Make our wish come true.

All we want for Christmas

is for our teams to be improved.

Improved, baby.

Thank you, New York! Goodnight! *Insert crowd going wild*

After These Messages

We know that our typical blog day is Sunday (and don’t worry, you’ll still get a blog tomorrow. We know how poorly you all deal with change), but we’re posting our pathetic poll results and baseball notes today so that tomorrow’s post can strictly focus on the rewrite of our trip to Philly in 2008. We’ve posted a new poll that you won’t vote on because that’s been you’re your MO from this blog’s inception. So, good job, guys. Way to not exercise your mouse-clicking finger.

Needless to say our most recent poll failed to live up to its “legen-wait for it-dary” potential. In the two weeks that it graced the blog, the How I Met Your Mother poll managed to earn 8 lousy votes. The only good thing about this is that you guys actually voted on both the Lisa poll and Serena poll, so that’s a vast improvement from the last time we offered you two polls at the same time. We asked which character from How I Met Your Mother was most similar to us (admittedly, this has stemmed from the fact that we’ve caught a lot of HIMYM marathons recently). Truthfully, some of your answers scared us just a tad. 5 of you thought that Lisa was Ted because she is constantly searching for her one true love. Serena felt like this was a given because Lisa is clearly Ted. Period. True, she does have a gambling problem like Barney (1 person voted for this), but aside from the gambling, she literally has nothing in common with that character. No one voted for Lily or Robin, but 2 of you jack-a-loons actually chose Marshall after Serena deliberately added the following statement to that poll choice: “actually she’s nothing like Marshall. If you pick this option, you’re an a-hole.” Don’t get us wrong. Marshall’s hilarious and Lisa might have a touch of a crush on him, but there is nothing remotely similar about Marshall and Lisa. Do you realize that this makes the 2 of you who voted for that option a-holes? Did you understand that when you decided to select that? Now…Serena, on the other hand, received quite the variety in terms of responses. Either she’s got multiple personalities or you people have no idea what you’re talking about. 1 person voted for Barney because she has a drinking problem, likes to suit up, and would kill to find someone to play laser tag with. We suppose that’s all valid statements however she’s not as much of a d*ck as Barney is. At least, that’s what we like to think. You might have a different opinion on the subject. 1 person chose Lily because she is also obsessed with Christmas. She’s like an alcoholic Santa’s Helper. Just so you’re aware, we had to think long and hard to come up with an option for Serena to be compared to Lily. Why? Because she has nothing else that could possibly relate her to Lily. So you, sir or madam, who voted for Lily are wrong. FYI. 2 people chose Ted because she would do something as stupid as stealing a blue horn from the wall of a local restaurant. This is just bizarre. Yes, she’d probably steal something as cool as a blue horn, but do you know why he stole that blue horn? To impress Robin. Serena would steal that horn just because. She’s nowhere near as girly as Ted is. She’d eat a dude like Ted for a mid-morning snack and forget all about him by lunchtime. 1 person voted for Marshall because she would relish the idea of winning a slap bet and having the opportunity to slap Barney 5 times at any time from now until eternity. You’re probably right. In fact, when she read this, she started laughing. 3 of you voted for Robin because she also has a dude’s personality trapped inside a chick’s body. It kind of hurts when YOU tell her this, but yeah. This can’t entirely be denied. Serena is probably most similar to Robin. However, she isn’t exactly a boy trapped in a girl’s body. She DOES have some girly traits. We promise. You should see her shoe closet and she owns dresses. Swear. She even wears them. We did have a Facebook fan mention that he wasn’t too familiar with HIMYM, which gave him difficulty when it came to voting. Was that the problem? You guys never watched the show? What would’ve been better for you? He mentioned NYPD Blue, but we never watched that show.  

Okay, enough of that. The big news of the week has been the kidnapping of Nationals’ catcher Wilson Ramos in Venezuela. 50 hours after of being abducted on the front lawn of his mother’s house in broad daylight, Ramos was rescued by Venezuelan authorities following a 15-minute gunfight. Justice Minister Tareck El Aissami, who announced the news of the rescue last night, said that the police had 3 men in custody, one of them being a Columbian that is “linked to paramilitary groups and to kidnapping groups.” Authorities are still gathering evidence to determine if there was anyone else involved in this senseless crime. There had been a candlelight vigil held at Nationals Ballpark behind the center field gate during the day yesterday. Approximately 100 fans showed up to pay their respects. Apparently Venezuela has been ranked at the top of the list in murder rates and kidnappings in the world. This is some scary sh*t. The Ramos family is extremely lucky as many families never see their loved ones again.

Other tid bits from around the league seem to pale in comparison to Ramos’ story, but we feel obligated to talk about it anyway. First, the fun, uplifting stuff. Robin Ventura is back in Chicago, replacing Ozzie Guillen as manager! We LOVE Ventura. He’s a great guy, was fantastic hitter, and an outstanding third basemen (and we know how critical Serena is of third basemen). Serena still can’t figure out what the purpose was of getting rid of him for Aaron Boone. Not that Boone’s a douchebag, but c’mon. Watching him play third is like watching an apprentice attempt to replicate the Sistine Chapel. Just not the same. If you’re gonna replace someone, don’t downgrade.

Speaking of douchebag, Jonathan Papelbon will be joining a roster of douchebags next season! Papelbon recently signed a 4-year deal with the Phillies for $50 million. Apparently this is the largest contract for a closer in baseball history. Isn’t that sweet? It includes an option for a fifth season that could increase the value to $60 million. According to some sources, Phillies GM Ruben Amaro Jr. is now on the hunt for Michael Cuddyer. Can the Twins really afford to let Cuddy walk? They’ve already allowed Jim Thome to go to the Phillies!!! Why, Thome, WHY? Furthermore, there’s a chance they’ll lose Jason Kubel to free agency this offseason as well. Amaro also has to deal with the fact that Jimmy Rollins and Ryan Madson are up for grabs.

Other names potentially seeking other employment opportunities this offseason? A-hole Beltran, we mean Carlos, Yuniesky Betancourt, Jonathan Broxton, Mark Buerhle, Bartolo Colon, Prince Fielder, Brad Lidge, David Ortiz, Roy Oswalt, Jorge Posada, Lazy Reyes, we mean Jose, CJ Wilson, Tim Wakefield, and some guy named Albert Pujols. You may have heard of him. Serena’ll take Oswalt. She can live with the Yankees signing him. : ) Maybe he’ll balance out the fact that a basket case with terrible, terrible hair is the Yankees’ supposed #2 guy. Lisa’s simply looking forward to unloading yet another arrogant and lazy piece of garbage that cares more for himself than the fans and actually trying to win a game.

Tigers Love Pepper

You’re probably wondering where I am taking you with today’s blog based on the title. Am I really going to be spending an entire blog post discussing the finer points of Alan’s theory that “tigers love pepper. They hate cinnamon?” No, though I probably could if I really thought about it. Oh…and by the way, in case you couldn’t tell, you’re only getting me today since Lisa is on vacation in Miami with Nicole, Fred K’s Cancer, Inc.’s Director of Operations (or something like that…I always forget what her real title is). Since Lisa isn’t here, there’s no one to restrain my bad behavior. I apologize in advance.

Before we discuss the meat and potatoes of this post, I must cover last week’s poll results. With the departure of Carlos Beltran, we asked if you felt that Beltran would be an asset to the Giants. No one voted for, “my right butt cheek would be more of an asset to the Giants than Beltran.” 3 of you voted for, “were they looking for something to decorate the outfield with? Then yes.” This is interesting because both options were designed to insult Beltran, so technically, even a true Beltran fan would be selecting an option that degraded him…which is exactly how we like it. On Thursday night, Lisa and I attended the dinner reception of the 8^th Annual Sean Kimerling Testicular Cancer Celebrity Golf Outing. At a charity event, I managed to get into a somewhat loud debate at the bar (shocker, right?) with a nice man named Andrew over Beltran’s attributes…or lack thereof. We eventually parted ways, agreeing to disagree because everyone’s opinion counts and all that junk, but let’s be real. I was right.

Onto the real purpose of today’s post: Tigers Love Pepper. As you may recall from previous posts, Tigers Love Pepper is the name of my fantasy baseball team. Now, I’m not going to sit here and babble for several pages about the inner workings of my fake baseball team (though I’m confident that if it existed in real life, my pitching staff would carry my team into the World Series and crush the opposition. Unlike Cliff Lee’s bull sh*t pre-season bragging, my staff actually WOULD be legendary). I want to talk about why playing fantasy baseball should be relegated to individuals who actually know nothing and/or care nothing for the sport of baseball.

All of you major baseball followers are probably outraged by that statement, but hear me out. I am thrilled to report that the Phillies have officially activated Roy Oswalt from the disabled list yesterday and he’ll be making his first start in six weeks against Tim Lincecum today. Why would I give a sh*t about this? I care nothing for the Phillies and their position in the standings, I dislike several players on the Phillies’ roster, and while I think Oswalt is a fine pitcher (fine meaning talented, people), his performances has absolutely no meaning on the American League side of things. Here’s why: I made a gamble on Thursday afternoon and picked Oswalt up while he was still listed on the DL in hopes that he’d return and dominate the crap out of everyone he faces for the remainder of the season. Now…I love Lincecum. Adore him. If I could, I’d keep him on my bed all day and cuddle with him at night. I’d trade Lisa for him and I am pretty confident she’d understand and be okay with it if I did. I ranked him as one of my top 5 players in my fantasy draft and unfortunately didn’t get him. The TBB have even named August 14^th as Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day. The only way I could love Lincecum more is if he were traded to the Yankees. That being said, I want Oswalt to wipe the f*cking floor with the Giants’ lineup today. I’m not asking for Lincecum to suffer the ultimate collapse. I just need Oswalt to one-up him. Perhaps pitch a complete game and help bring my strikeout total for the week near the 80 mark. I apologize to the Bay Area fans that our blog has, but this is why I should not be allowed to play fantasy sports. My priorities are completely out of whack.

Need additional examples? I was outraged to find out that Ryan Madson was listed as “NA” on my roster because he went on paternity leave to be with his wife and new baby. What the hell? Like he pushed the kid out of his vagina and needed a friggin’ break! Sure, you could argue the point that the man has every right to be with his family and newborn child during such an important time, but screw that! If he wanted to spend more time with his family, he should’ve become CPA and not a professional athlete. Thanks to his selfishness, my relief pitching rested entirely on Andrew Bailey. Can you see how this mindset is not normal?

Let’s try a few weeks ago when while blogging, Lisa and I watched the Mets play the Phillies. The Mets were actually making a comeback. Under typical circumstances, I’d be right alongside Lisa rooting for the Mets. What actually happened? Madson had loaded the bases and allowed this rally to occur. I was irate. The fool was ruining my overall ERA. Lisa could only watch me in horror as I paced in front of the television and demanded that Charlie Manuel remove the a$$ clown from the game before my ERA spiraled out of control. If the Mets were going to rally, why couldn’t they do it against some other jack-a-loon in the Phillies’ bull pen! Why did it have to be MY jack-a-loon??

When I wake up in the morning, check my lineup, and see that Justin Verlander’s pitching, I immediately believe that the day will be a good one. There’s an instant pep in my step and a smile on my face as if Verlander is legitimately all mine and that he actually has some affect on my day-to-day life. He doesn’t even pitch for the Yankees!!!

This is why I believe people who are utterly clueless or have little to no investment in the game should participate in fantasy baseball. If you have zero concept as to how wonderful Lincecum is, are you going to feel a tad guilty for wishing horrible run support on him? No! You’re just going to be pleased at the luck of finding someone as talented as Roy Oswalt this late in the season! If you haven’t the misfortune of being loyal to a particular team (like the Mets), are you really going to be torn by the fact that your fantasy pitcher, Cole Hamels just steamrolled the Mets? No way. You’re thrilled that Hamels tacked up a bunch of strikeouts on your behalf and lowered your overall ERA and WHIP. Fantasy baseball is an unhealthy activity for the passionate fan.

Alright, that’s enough. I have to go check on my lineup to make sure it’s all up to date for today’s games. I don’t have any more time to waste entertaining you folks, but don’t worry. Blogging returns to normal next Sunday as Lisa will be back by then and of course, the day we’ve all been waiting for: Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day!

My Super Hero of the Week is Harrison Ford and Daniel Craig from Cowboys and Aliens, not because it was an outstanding movie (it was good enough, but didn't blow me away), but because the movie starred both Indiana Jones and James Bond. Golden.

-Serena

We Need a Hero

We’re aware that after two straight wins, that you probably think that this blog will be dedicated to begging AJ Burnett to come back to us, but you’d be wrong. We’re not that easy. It’s going to take more than 2 straight well-pitched games for us to forgive him for his inconsistencies. We know that he’s a good pitcher. We wouldn’t have dated him otherwise. He needs to prove that he’s reliable in order for us to take him back. That’s the point. We don’t want to spend our lives with a man who’s going to make us happy one minute and disappoint us the next. In light of his inconsistencies, we asked you what you thought AJ’s problem was. We care about him and want to get to the bottom of this so that he finds happiness. 4 of you sounded off. 2 people think that Dr. Phil is the answer, 1 person thinks that a Rock of Ages Circle Line cruise around Manhattan will cure his woes (and who wouldn’t enjoy a Rock of Ages cruise? C’mon), and 1 a-hole (who we’re wagering is an ex-employee of ours) seems to think that AJ’s malfunction has to do with us writing him letters. Well, guess what, jerk off? We wouldn’t have had to write that letter had he lived up to society’s accepted boyfriend standards.


Since we know you’ve been dying to find out, we must say that Winkie is handling this whole change heroically. Granted, he’s insisted on sleeping on AJ’s side of the bed every night, but we feel strongly that once he becomes acclimated to AJ’s absence, he’ll utilize more of the bed. And we’ll admit that when we watched AJ pitch against the Indians the other night, Winkie’s meows were a little sadder than usual whenever AJ’s face was shown on the television screen, but it’s only natural that he misses his daddy. He’ll get over it, especially since we’ve planned a weekend sleepover for him at daddy’s new apartment during the next Yankees’ homestand. His coping ability at such a young kitten age qualifies him as TBB Super Hero of the Week. Even though AJ and the TBB are in the middle of a rough patch, we’re confident that AJ will be proud of his little fur ball man.

Just 6 days before the trade deadline, the Angels acquired Dan Haren from the Diamondbacks in exchange for pitcher Joe Saunders, 2 minor league pitchers and a player to be named. During his first start as an Angel, Haren was forced to leave after his right forearm was hit by a Kevin Youkilis line drive. According to team doctor, Craig Milhouse, Haren has a bruised right forearm.

The Rays’ Matt Garza threw the 5th no hitter of the season in their 5-0 rout of the Tigers. It’s the first no hitter of the franchise. Earlier this year, two of the no-hitters thrown were perfect games against the Rays.

Rockies’ closer, Huston Street bruised the right side of his abdomen when he was hit by a line drive during batting practice on Tuesday. He was taken off the field by ambulance and transported to an ER for further examination. According to head trainer, Keith Dugger, Street passed out “2 or 3 times” and had ringing in his ears. One would think that this injury occurred while Street was on the mound, but it didn’t. In a weird turn of events, the ball hit off of Ian Stewart’s bat nailed Street while he’d been warming up in right field. Street also complained of pain down his right leg and stomach discomfort. Stomach discomfort? That’s putting it mildly. We’re thinking with all of his injuries lately, he might need to be put in a bubble. His availability is listed as day to day, but Street claims he’s ready to pitch. Easy, boy. You can’t go from fainting and ringing ears to Super Closer.

Wednesday was very exciting in the baseball market. The Dodgers traded for outfielder Scott Posednik from the Royals. Presumably this move is to make up for the fact that both Manny Ramirez and Reed Johnson are out without a definite time frame for their return. In exchange for Posednik, the Royals received top catching prospect, Lucas May and Class A pitcher, Elisaul Pimental.

Just prior to game time (literally. According to YES Network’s Kimberling Jones, during batting practice Peralta had no idea he was about to be traded), the Indians traded Jhonny Peralta to the Tigers for minor-league LHP Giovanni Soto. Peralta is expected to take over third base duties while Brandon Inge is on the DL with a broken left hand. He’s still an a-hole for spelling his name incorrectly.

A’s pitcher Ben Sheets is out for the season due to a torn flexor in his right elbow. So much for the A’s contending for the western division.

Roy Oswalt accepted his proposed trade to the Phillies on late Thursday. He waived his no-trade clause in order to be dealt for LHP J.A. Happ and 2 prospects, outfielder Anthony Gose and shortstop Jonathan Villar. Oswalt has been with the Astros organization for 10 years. It will be extremely strange to see him in a Phillies uniform. We still haven’t adjusted to Roy Halladay in a red uniform!

The Orioles got busy yesterday as well! In addition to hiring Buck Showalter as manager, they shipped Miguel Tejada off to the Padres in exchange for Double-A RHP Wynn Pelzer.

Reviewing the extensive list of moves and injuries, one has to wonder why the three wealthiest teams in baseball (are you listening, Mets, Red Sox, Yankees?) have done absolutely nothing. It’s not like they don’t need it. The Red Sox are practically crippled by injuries, whereas both the Mets and Yankees lost a starting pitcher to injuries (we’re not even including the meltdown that Oliver Perez experienced). Thankfully, for the Yankees, Andy Pettitte is expected to return within a month or so (at this point in the season, a month puts us at the end of August, prime playoff contention time), but the Mets seemed to have lost John Maine indefinitely…not that he did much while he was here. The Tigers are another team plagued by injuries, but they’re at least making business decisions to improve their situation (i.e. Jhonny Peralta). While AJ’s had two good starts in a row, it means nothing in the grand scheme. This entire season has highlighted his tendency toward inconsistent pitching. We know that we sound like dogs with a bone in regards to this topic, but when it’s true, it’s true! Without Andy Pettitte’s reliability (plus, the man’s no spring chicken in the baseball world and the older you get, the more difficult it becomes to bounce back from injuries), we’re concerned for the stamina of the Yankees’ pitching rotation. Even if they make it to the post season, it’s not enough. You still have to be able to perform and compete. No one wants to make it to the playoffs only to be steamrolled, especially when you have a collective salary as high as the Yankees.

In addition to pitching, Lisa’s hoping that the Mets follow the Orioles’ idea and shank their manager. Or fire him. Whichever’s fine as long as Jerry Manuel is no longer running the SS Mets. It’s not too late to hire Serena. She’s still willing to take the helm and right the ship. Okay, no more nautical references.

The fact that the Mets desperately need help and that they’ve done nothing to get it is extremely troubling. It’s like the ownership doesn’t care. It’s not even just this season when the Mets need it the most. The team’s business decision makers have sat on their laurels long enough while the Phillies and Braves work hard to become stronger competitors each off season. It’s become clear that Johan Santana cannot win the NL East alone. Contrary to popular belief, he actually needs a team to back him. He’s not Jesus, ya know. Minnesota’s got Baby Jesus.

People speculate that the cost of ticket and concession prices have driven fans from the ballpark and that may be partially true. However, the fact remains is that their cross town counterparts have increased prices in their new stadium as well, but continue to perform to sell out crowds every night because on most nights (it would be a lie to say that it was every night), the Yankees perform as they should. No one likes to pay exorbitant prices for a hot dog, beer, pulled pork sandwich, souvenir, or whatever else they may sell at a sporting event, but certainly no one wants to pay these prices to watch a team run around a field like a bunch of chickens with their heads cut off. Especially when the aforementioned players are being paid a boat load of money to act like sh*tstains. Say what you want about high-priced talent and the ridiculous cost of taking your family to a baseball game, but when your team wins, people tend to complain less. It has nothing to do with being a fair-weather fan and everything to do with having fan loyalty being taken advantage of.

Can we pretend that baseball execs really care about fans underneath the night sky? We could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now.