Yankees Opening Day 2012

April 13, 2012 

I have to start this post with a quasi-related, but not-really-related statement. When Lisa and I go to the Yankees game on May 19^th, I need to take her to Billy’s Bar. I’m pretty sure that I’ve discovered a guido dumping ground. Dark spiked haired, olive-skinned fist pumpers galore. It’s like a buffet of all of Lisa’s favorite things. It was a little scary. I am running the risk of losing her forever if I bring her here. She may get sucked into the black hole of tanned skin, Italian-themed tattoos, gold chains, and open-collared shirts and then I’ll be stuck walking over to Yankees Stadium and watching The Boys take on the Reds by myself. Anyone willing to travel into the Bronx with us on the very real chance that I may have an extra ticket? Let me know.

Back to the whole purpose of this post. Baseball. Opening Day. All good stuff. Mamadukes bought our tickets for Opening Day as my birthday gift, but the actual purchase was done by me. As in, “go onto StubHub and find tickets. I’ll give you the money.” I picked two tickets that felt like a happy medium in terms of cost and location, but I didn’t really have any idea as to where they were being that they were in a section I’d never sat in before. We drove into the game and parked at a nearby mall. “Event Parking” cost us $30, but for some reason, it felt less like a raping than paying $35 at the other lot. Getting to Yankees Stadium from this mall, however, proved to be a bit of a challenge for us. Initially, we followed these two guys wearing Jeter and Mantle jerseys toward the entrance we had just driven through, but then we realized that they were going to have to hop a wall in order to get to the sidewalk and that just seemed to be more trouble than it was worth. We decided to find another way. This would be a mistake. I don’t know what we were thinking. We should’ve just stuck to following Jeter and Mantle. They’d always been reliable in the past. Why did we think they were going to let us down this time? We ended up walking a sidewalk that ran somewhat parallel to the Major Deagan Expressway. That is some hot stuff right there. Eventually we did manage to reach the stadium and this random, off-the-beaten-path route actually had us approach the stadium from a direction we’d never taken before, offering me the opportunity to take this photo of the entire stadium in all its sexiness.

The walkway leading up to the stadium past the little league baseball field is paved with sporadic markers indicating historical moments in franchise history, like this:

This:

This:

And this:

We tried finding a marker celebrating Don Mattingly’s retirement, but apparently, nothing of importance happened for the Yankees between 1987 and 1996, which I found a little strange.

As usual, I needed to be fed immediately upon walking through the doors of Yankees Stadium. I need to eat regularly or else I become a whiny, unaccommodating toddler. We headed up to our section and bought a hot Italian sausage for me (Seriously. This is not a metaphor for a really attractive male of the Italian persuasion. It was called a hot Italian sausage and it cost $8.50.) and a hot dog for Mamadukes. Laden with our glorious, deliciously fragrant meat products, we went in search of this mysterious section 314W. It’s the “W” that kept throwing me off when I searched the stadium’s seating chart online. The chart clearly showed me section 314, but what was the deal with this “W?” Well, ladies and gentlemen, we found out that it apparently stands for “wheelchair.”  Yes. That’s correct. This Yankees fan half of the TBB duo is a giant a-hole who unknowingly purchased tickets to the handicapped section. As if I can’t look any more insensitive than I already do. The seats were padded folding chairs, which were pretty cool, but man, did we feel a touch guilty about occupying these seats. The guilt didn’t last long because my stomach got the better of me. I pretty much inhaled my sausage in three bites (okay, WHY does everything I say about sausages sound incredibly dirty?).

Look who ran into us at the stadium! Ed! Lisa’s favorite of Serena’s colleagues. Ed had seats 3 sections over from us.

There was one really amazing upside about sitting in these seats though. I got to hang out with this little buddy the entire game:

How amazing is he? He’s adorable and fat. I wanted to dognap him. The downside to this bootyful baseball fan was that his owner was a jerk Mets fan that kept rooting against the Yankees. Dude, go be miserable at your own Opening Day. Don’t make my Opening Day experience miserable because you hate my team.

Soon after, the opening ceremonies commenced.

Jorge Posada threw out the first pitch to Papa Posada.

The pitching matchup was Hiroki Kuroda and Ervin Santana. I’ll admit that this did not inspire confidence in me after watching the nightmare of a game that took place in Tampa Bay in the week prior. However, we got out of the first inning fairly unscathed, so I calmed down a bit. In the bottom of the 1^st, Santana led things off by striking out both Jeter and Granderson. Allow me to describe the mental illness that currently resides in this brain of mine. Instead of being overly pissed off at this, I got excited because Roberta’s ridiculous New York-focused fantasy team wouldn’t get any offensive points. Insert evil laugh. See? I’m truly a disturbed individual. With two outs, Alex Rodriguez (the one Yankees player that I managed to pry out of Roberta’s greedy fingers) singled. Hooray for fantasy points for Tigers Love Pepper! THEN he stole second. More fantasy points! It’s just an explosion of fantasy points for me.

When Mark Teixeira stepped into the batter’s box, our neighbors to Mamadukes’ right had some negative comments to say about him. She got very upset and defensive about “her man” (the fantasy baseball illness seems to be hereditary). I had to remind her that Tex was no longer her fantasy first baseman. Roberta owned him now. It was time to let go. With Rodriguez, Cano, and Tex on base, Swisher drilled a double over the center fielder’s head, scoring three runs. All fantasy points for Roberta. It’s just becoming tedious now.

Rodriguez would go onto hit a bomb of a home run to dead center field in the bottom of the 3^rd and another single in the bottom of the 5^th following a Granderson home run. While his sudden surge of offense pleases me both from the Yankees fan perspective and the perspective of being the manager for the future 2012 championship fantasy team, I feel it necessary to point out something that he did in the bottom of the 7^th that really pissed me off. I have always defended Rodriguez. Despite the fact that he’s got a personality that’s equivalent to a brown paper bag and the whole steroids fiasco, I do believe him to be a hard-working and gifted athlete. When he fails, it’s never from a lack of trying. Yes, he’s totally overpaid and yes, he tends to collapse when the Yankees really need him, but I will accept a player who fails to succeed if he puts forth genuine effort. In the 7^th, with Jeter on second, Rodriguez hit a weak dribbler to Ryan Isringhausen on the mound, which typically would’ve been an easy out, but Isringhausen bobbled the ball, giving Rodriguez the chance to safely reach first AND advancing Jeter to third. Instead of actually running hard down the line, Rodriguez did the f*cking Hustle! Naturally, this gave Isringhausen enough time to recover and throw Rodriguez out. I was enraged. If I recall the moment correctly, after a string of curse words, I shouted, “Did you have an asthma attack on the way to first, you a-hole?” Apparently the surrounding fans found this amusing. What the hell? I defend this man all the damn time for his work ethic and he repays me by acting like Carlos Beltran?? Trust me, I’ve played sports. I get that there was a chance that Rodriguez still may have been thrown out even if he ran hard. I totally understand that. The point is that he also might’ve been safe, giving the Yankees another chance to score. Crap like that makes me crazy.This better have been a brain fart on his part because if this is a sign of behavior to come, I’m going to convince Lisa to allow me to write another asstastic letter for this blog. And I’m very convincing. You have no idea how much stupid
sh*t I’ve convinced Lisa to participate in with me.

Just prior to the 9^th inning, we asked the nice men sitting next to us to take our picture. I’m actually surprised that Mamadukes allowed this considering how much she hates taking pictures. I think the fact that this man gave her his Cracker Jack prize softened her a little.

We were pleasantly surprised when Kuroda came out to pitch the 9^th having already thrown 103 pitches. He allowed Bobby Abreu on base with a weak a$$ crap hit and Joe Girardi pulled him out in favor of David Robertson. Kuroda exited to a standing ovation. A vast improvement from his first start. Now if only CC Sabathia would follow suit. Robertson closed out the game, coaxing Albert Pujols into a double play and then striking out Kendry Morales. Final score 5-0 Yankees.

By the way, exiting the mall’s parking garage was a nightmare. Do not park here. Make the extra $5 investment and park in a proper lot.

-Serena

“I’m Not Superstitious, But I Am A Little Stitious”

Last week, we argued our case for why we should be arbitrators. Then we asked if you’d want us on your arbitration panel. 6 of you voted, “yes. You wear suits. And that’s awesome.” It sure is awesome. 1 person apparently didn’t like what we had to say about players being overpaid jack-a-loons and chose, “Oh, HELL no. Taco Bell? Are serious? You’re going to pay me in chalupas? F that!” We’ll have you know that we’ll take Taco Bell any day of the week. Stop being so spoiled.

It’s been a crazy week in New York, celebrating the Giants advancing to the Superbowl for the second time in just a few short years (yes, we know that this is par for the course for the folks up in New England, but give us a break). There’s been a lot of talk of not washing one’s jersey until the Giants lose. As if washing our jersey will somehow wash the magic of victory from our favorite teams.  It got us thinking. What other superstitious habits do fans and athletes (professional and unprofessional) have? Superstitious habits that we truly believe will make some sort of difference in the game’s outcome (or our personal performance). As fans, when we fail to perform these habits, we’re devastated when our team loses because we are the primary reason our team performed so poorly. As athletes, we missed that line drive or struck out because we failed to perform these habits. Some of us may be fully aware that these traditions are completely silly, but we’re not willing to take the chance and NOT partake in them. Others…well…others just have a special way of thinking that’s all.

Let’s cover the fans first, shall we? We’ll pick on ourselves first so that everyone else we pick on doesn’t feel bad about themselves. On the subject of the New York Giants, we legitimately think that our actions AND wardrobe before AND during the game make a difference in regards to how the Giants play. That is why Osi Umenyiora has been the TBB Super Hero of the Week for over a month. We can’t risk changing the Super Hero and having the Giants lose. Let’s start with our pre-game rituals. Lisa comes over to Serena’s house early in the morning. Serena then works us out until total, absolute fatigue. Serena takes a photo of Lisa half-passed out in pain on the floor and posts it to Facebook like a true friend. We take turns showering (as in not together). We get dressed. Both of us wear long-sleeved white shirts and Serena’s unwashed Giants jerseys (to stress this fact: we wear TWO different jerseys. We are not squeezing into the same jersey like a two-headed monster from Sesame Street). Lisa also wears her Mets fleece zip-up. Serena wears knee socks and a necklace with an elephant charm on it. Lisa goes to Brian’s Deli around the corner and buys us egg sandwiches (3 eggs, bacon, cheese, black pepper, ketchup, to which we add hot sauce pilfered from Croxley’s Ale House). Lisa has an in-depth conversation with the clerk at Brian’s Deli about superstitions. The deli clerk has a giant Santa wearing a Giants uniform on his front lawn that has remained lit since the Giants/Jets game. His block must be thrilled with the fact that it’s almost February and he still has a giant light-up Santa on his front lawn. Serena makes us coffee. We eat. After breakfast, we blog. At game time, Lisa wraps her head with Serena’s fleece blanket (aka: her burkah), Serena climbs under her Egyptian cotton comforter, and we drink beer. We do not leave our positions for anything until a commercial break. Even if the temperature of the room becomes stifling, Lisa is not to take off her burkah and Serena is not to remove the comforter…or her pants. While this bizarre behavior may be strictly applied to the New York Giants, we tend to exhibit similar habits during the baseball season. If the Yankees or Mets are on a winning streak, we don’t wash our jerseys. If the team has lost a game while we’ve been in attendance wearing a specific hat, we never wear that hat again during the season (don’t worry, we have plenty of Mets and Yankees hats to make up for one being removed from the rotation).

Next up is Noah (and we should forewarn you that 98.8% of our poll panel is from the same bar that we steal the hot sauce from. We also never got out of our seats to conduct this poll because we’re lazy, so the people mentioned here are pretty much individuals within our vicinity, customers who made the mistake of getting a drink at the bar near us, or employees of aforementioned bar). Noah wears the same jersey and drinks the same beer at the same bar during each game. Noah’s friend, Brendan, drinks an unsweetened iced tea from Dunkin Donuts and he doesn’t wash his jersey. If his team loses, he is overcome by a feeling of failure. That’s his words, not ours. This is the one time where we did not put words into someone else’s mouth. The boys also talked about their friend, Sage, who was not in attendance. Before walking into a Yankees game, Sage always orders 3 Ozzy dogs (we’re not even sure what kind of hot dog that is) from the same street vendor.

Joe explained that during a game, he wears only regular clothes. He does not like to represent the team.

Bill has an old throwback Lawrence Taylor jersey that he only wears on special occasions. It’s only washed after a loss. He’s currently 7-1 with this jersey. Even though the white fabric of the jersey is sporting a stain, he will not wash it until the Giants lose. He will definitely be wearing it for Superbowl. A minor ritual he has before every game is that he posts the same Facebook status prior to the game. That status is, “Gameday.”

Now for the athletes. We don’t care who you are. If you play or once played sports, you have participated in superstitious behavior whether you realized it or not. For example, Serena played college softball with a girl who when she was on the mound, had to start each approach to the mound with the following system: stand at the rear of the circle, take 3 steps toward the rubber starting with her right foot (the third step lightly kicking the rubber with the toe of her right foot before planting). If any part of this procedure went awry, she had to start over again or else the mechanics of her next pitch would be off. Another pitcher on Serena’s team had to face the outfield between each pitch and scan the field to make sure every player was in position before approaching the mound. These are all superstitions. That committing the same act over and over again will in some way, effect what’s going to happen next.

Our paneled athletes came from the same pool (with a few exceptions) as our sports fans panel (remember, we’re lazy). Chris the Bar Back (and hot wing arbitrator) and a fellow patron (also named Chris) both have an at bat ritual. While standing at the plate, the boys use their bat to make a cross (you know…tap north, tap south, tap east, tap west) across homeplate. Chris the Bar Back also had other traditions: it’s bad luck not to wear his #23 wristband during a baseball game and prior to football games, he performed the same stretching routine.

The Great Awesome Super Fantastic Adam The Bartender (yeah, he had absolutely no involvement in how he was portrayed in this blog post) spits in his glove every time he gets into his position at short stop.

Herve played soccer, volleyball, and baseball. Regardless of which sport he was playing, he had to have a vanilla shake before every game. He also wore a lucky wristband.

Serena wore her hair in pigtail braids until a batting streak came to an end. Prior to stepping into the batter’s box, she waited until the catcher was in position. When getting into her position at third at the start of each inning, she smoothed the dirt just ahead of her with her right foot.

Lisa had no pre-game rituals as a cheerleader. Or if she did, she can’t remember them.

You know you’ve seen the professionals do it as well. Ever notice the at bat ritual of Joe Mauer or Nomar Garciaparra. It’s so repetitive that it’s like a tic. It could drive a person crazy to watch these routines over and over and over and over again.  Mauer kicks the dirt around in the batter’s box, runs his hand up and down the handle of the bat, steps into the box and taps his helmet with his left hand. Nomar fiddled with his batting gloves before stepping into the batter’s box and performed some sort of twinkle toes routine combined with a bat swish. We tried to find a better video of it, but this was the best we could do. Ignore the fat man who abruptly steps into the camera’s view just before the second pitch. You can see the whole routine just before the third pitch. Craig Biggio never washed his helmet. It was gross. By the end of the season, it looked like it was dipped in the La Brea Tar Pit. We’re not going to even touch upon the whole Jason Giambi golden thong situation. In fact, we just threw up a little bit in our mouths.

Superstitions can spill onto the pitcher’s mound as well. Ever notice a pitcher who has a no-hitter or perfect game on the line is always sitting at one end of the dugout by himself? And despite the fact that a no-hitter and perfect game is one of the most exciting things to witness, no one ever talks about it while it’s happening? As fans, we don’t even like to talk about it, fearing that it may jinx the pitcher…unless, of course, you want him to fail. Then you chat that sh*t up every chance you can.

Feel free to email us or post a comment to this blog about your strange rituals. We look forward to hearing from you.

Now onto some semblance of normalcy: this week’s baseball notes! On Tuesday, Jorge Posada officially announced his retirement. You can view the video of his speech here. You’ll notice that his wife is extremely hot. Watch this video with caution. It’s a little emotional and we’re a touch embarrassed to admit that we teared up a bit. Serena remembers when Posada when he first came onto the scene. He was a great hitter and a sh*tty catcher who eventually usurped Joe Girardi (who worked with Posada on his fielding skills, mind you. It was very similar to when Anakin Skywalker betrayed his mentor Obi-Wan and struck him down. Yes, we just compared a real life situation to Star Wars. Don’t judge us) behind the plate. At first, Serena hated Jorge and missed Joe (a similar sentiment that Mamadukes felt when Don Mattingly retired and was replaced by Tino Martinez). Over the years, Posada’s ability behind the plate vastly improved and his big Dumbo ears gradually grew on Serena.  Now as we think about how we’ll never see Jorge Posada bat at Yankees Stadium ever again (except maybe at Old Timer’s Day), we can’t help but feel old. First Andy Pettitte. Now Jorge Posada. You know Mariano Rivera’s retirement is gonna come sooner rather than later. He’s like 500 years old. He’s the Yoda of closers (see how we did that? Brought it full circle back to Star Wars again). Then all we’ll be left with is Lisa’s favorite Yankee: Derek Jeter. It’s an end of an era. It’s the Circle of Life. And it moves us all.

The Yankees have officially acquired RHP’s Michael Pineda and Jose Campos in exchange for Jesus Montero and Hector Noesi. With Seattle, Pineda went 9-10 last season with an ERA of 3.74 and finished 5^th in the American League Rookie of the Year Award voting. He led all AL rookies in strikeouts (173) and strikeouts per 9 innings (9.11). The Yankees have also re-signed Andruw Jones to a 1-year contract worth reportedly $2 million with $1.4 million in performance incentives? Really? You need performance incentives? How about a f*cking cookie, you d*ck licker? How about if you don’t do your job well, my foot goes up your ass? F*cking a-hole. Go back to Atlanta. Oh, wait, now they’re too classy for you. What’s another d*ckhead team that you can be a part of? Hmm…the Red Sox. Go frolic around the outfield at Fenway and let them pay you performance incentives. PS- you spell your name wrong, you f*cking d*ck.

Tim Lincecum and the San Francisco Giants have agreed on a 2-year deal worth $40.5 million. It’s a little disappointing that they came to this agreement considering we were ready and able to arbitrate that situation. We tried on outfits and practiced speaking in legal jargon. Serena practiced not using the word, “f*ck.” Or any variation of that word, like f*cked, f*cking, f*cks, f*cker, f*ck-ass, mother f*cker, etc.

As the great Stevie Wonder once said, “Very superstitious behaviors at the bar. Very superstitious unwashed jerseys about to smell. Your 13-hour batting stance broke the no-hitter. The goat’s brought the Cubs 66 years of bad luck. The good things in your past. When you believe in things you don’t understand, then you suffer. Superstition ain’t the way.”

Remembering 9/11

In honor of the 10-year anniversary marking one of the worst tragedies our nation has ever faced, we are not going to do a traditional Traveling Baseball Babes post this week. We felt that our typical a-hole sense of humor would be inappropriate on an important day like today. Therefore we’ve extended our poll for another week (so you can continue to leave your feedback regarding Operation Hot Brother) and listed this week’s baseball notes below.

Remember to thank a fire fighter and police officer today (and every day) for their hard work and selfless dedication.

Baseball Notes:

Last night, Jorge Posada made an appearance behind the plate for the first time all season thanks to a Russell Martin injury, who had taken a foul tip off of his thumb in the 2^nd. From the get go, the Angels sought to test the unpracticed veteran. Howie Kendrick singled and then tried to steal. Posada gunned Kendrick down at second fairly easily. The throw to Robinson Cano was high, but there with plenty of time for Cano to bring the ball down to apply the tag.

In walk-off fashion, Evan Longoria’s single in the 11^th inning last night allowed the Rays to defeat the Red Sox 6-5 and continue to nibble at the Sox’s lead in the American League Wild Card race, pulling within 4 ½ games. The Red Sox loss also helped the Yankees maintain their American League East supremacy for now since they were awesome enough to lose 6-0 to the Angels.

Bon Voyage!

Entering Week 5 of Operation Moustache Removal. The one who calls himself “Zito” has still not acknowledged our email, BUT our friends in the Bay Area have informed us that he was spotted canoodling in the Giants’ dugout sans moustache. We suspect that our letter had something to do with it. He may not have written us back, but it’s clear that he heard our call…he might actually not respond to us because we made him cry and he thinks we’re mean.

Before we get into the poll results, let’s talk about how NO ONE entered our Sweepstakes for TBB Super Hero of the Week. Do you understand what this means? It means that for entire week, you’ll be staring at the picture of the Mipi, Nicole’s doggie. For those of you unaware, Nicole is the Executive Director of Fred K’s Cancer, Inc. Since you’ve decided to be giant fails on this subject, we’d like you to donate to The Freds. Do it. Save balls and mouths across the world one dollar at a time.

Last week, there was a whole lot of hullabaloo about Jorge Posada being snatchy, so we decided to ask you what you thought his malfunction was. 3 of you felt that getting old makes you cranky. 2 of you think that it’s Jorge’s time of the month. Personally speaking, when WE’RE on the rag, we’re pretty cranky as well. Especially when we’re not fed. Therefore, it’s totally conceivable that Jorge’s in some serious need of Midol. 1 loan reed believes that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with him. It’s just that everyone needs a mental break once in awhile. 1 person thinks he’s constipated and no one voted for that Smelly Brian option and we’re not going to bother reiterating what the choice was because it’s not worth our time to retype nor is it worth your time to reread it.

So today’s the big day. No, we’re not leaving Blogger community (which we’re sure you’d be ecstatic to hear). We’re flying to Minneapolis and according to weather.com, we’re flying into shittastic weather. Regardless of the rain, we’ve got plans to canoe around Lake Calhoun in Minnesota. We strongly feel that we’ll be excellent canoers. Do not worry. We’ll back in time for your weekly TBB blog. It’ll even be a legitimate post as we’ll be discussing our visit to Target Field. Thrilled, aren’t you? Did we mention that we’re doing this entire trip out of a carry on bag in an effort to save money on obnoxious and bull sh*t luggage fees? Yes. The 2 worst packers ever to grace the United States is surviving on one pair of pumps and a carry on bag apiece. There is no room for error. No room for stains. No room for, “Awww this shirt makes me look fat.” Nope. Tough sh*t. We’re gonna have to look fat whether we like it or not. It’s go time, people.

To keep up to date with our traveling activities and commentary, be sure to follow us on Twatter. Twitter. Whatever. The little stupid blue bird that all the happening kids are using nowadays.

Yesterday morning, we had a very successful charity cardio kickboxing class at Lucille Roberts in Westbury, NY. We raised a total of $113! Much thanks to Kathy, gym manager, for allowing us to hold the class and to Sylvia Nasser for donating her time to teach the heart pumping, muscle tiring, and sweat-inducing class!

The One Who Shall Not Be Named is officially on the DL with a stress fracture in his lower back. He’s “not allowed to engage in any physical activities.” Well, Lisa’s sex life is going to have to be put on hold.

Happy Belated Birthday to Mamadukes, whose birthday was on Tuesday. Also, we hope that everyone showed their support to our military forces yesterday on Armed Forces Day! Regardless of your opinion of the war, these men and women sacrifice a lot and should be thanked and recognized!

Peace out!

Brian Smells Like a Monkey

Entering Week 4 of Operation Moustache Removal. The one who calls himself “Zito” has still not acknowledged our email. We understand that he may have a lot on his plate what with foot rehab and all, but c’mon, bro. If you’re not going to reply to us, find the time to at least shave your moustache.

Last week, we asked your thoughts about our torture strategy of sweater vest-wearing Brian. We wanted to know if we should continue prank calling Brian until the Fred K’s Cancer t-shirts were paid for. Of 13 individuals, 6 people felt that we should do it because, “Screw Brian. This is to support balls and mouth cancer!” Interesting choice of words, wouldn’t you say? Only 2 of you felt sorry for Brian because “What the hell did this Brian ever do to you?” These 2 votes probably belong to Brian and his girlfriend, so we feel that this data is biased and therefore, skewed. We’ll tell you what “this Brian” did to us. He stole 54 pictures of us for a PowerPoint presentation and did absolutely nothing with them as far as we can tell. He didn’t even share them with his business partner. Honestly, he probably just deleted the 4 emails we sent filled with our kick ass pictures because he’s lazy. 5 people simply wanted to know who Brian was. Who cares who Brian is? He wears sweater vests every day and steals photos of people. He can’t be trusted. That’s all you need to know. Just so you’re aware, we’ve got at least one definite sponsor (Ambelos Construction) and one other potential sponsor in our pockets. However, the shirts still aren’t fully paid for, sooooo…it looks like Brian’s getting a few more phone calls. If you know of a company who might like to sponsor us (and at the same time, save Brian), please email us so we can discuss the possibility. Oh and we’re now able to accept online donations so if you’d like to do your part to fight balls and mouth cancer, click here!

You may or may not have heard by now that the Traveling Baseball Babes have swallowed their pride and created a Twatting account. You kids call it “Twitter.” Feel free to follow us.

Next Sunday, we depart for Minneapolis. On that subject, we’ve noticed that no one has entered our “TBB Super Hero of the Week” Sweepstakes. Seriously, if no one enters this contest, we’ll be forced to grant super hero honors to Nicole’s dog, Mipisoula. Don’t make us do it. Email us your photo and the reason why you should be super hero and the best story wins. Don’t be a Mexi-can’t. Be a Mexi-can.

Baseball notes:
Justin Verlander may have failed to pitch back-to-back no-hitters, but think about how amazing Verlander’s accomplishment really is. He pitched 13 straight no-hit innings, Melky Cabrera breaking up the no-hitter with a 2-out RBI triple in the 6th. Verlander appears to be a rare species in this day and age of primadonna baseball players. We have no doubt that, like his counterparts, he’s playing ball in order to earn his enormous salary. However, unlike the majority of his counterparts, he tends to pitch late in the game, produces consistently, and rarely misses a start. We’re not saying that Verlander’s the only pure-blooded pitcher (or non-bitchy pitcher) left in the MLB, but he’s certainly one of the last remaining.

Carlos Beltran, among other things, is a disgusting man. He apparently woke up on Saturday with a “swollen right eye.” First, we asked ourselves what the F*CK does that mean? Does he have a tumor? Allergies? What? How does one’s eye swell? Oh, no. It turned out to be much worse. After Googling, we discovered that Beltran has a mild case of pink eye! And he’s at the ball park right now touching sh*t that his teammates touch. Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? The Mets entire lineup is going to be infected with pink eye because Beltran is a f*cking a-hole! Gross! Gross! Gross!

ESPN and the like networks have been focusing on the Jorge Posada Saga this morning. If you haven’t heard already, before last night’s game against the Red Sox, Posada asked to be taken out of the lineup. He says that he, “needed time to clear his head” and that during batting and infield practice his back “stiffened up a little bit.” That seems to be a reasonable request, but there are other things not adding up. Prior to benching himself, Posada was moved to the 9th spot in the lineup. Both Joe Girardi and Brian Cashman claim to have known nothing about Posada’s stiffened back. Posada also insists that he didn’t bench himself because of his place in the lineup. Sounds like SOMEONE’S being a shady shaderson and hiding SOMETHING!

Injuries Love Company

In lieu of our All Star Game ranting, we asked how you felt about the game’s rule changes. All 5 voters agreed that it didn’t really matter because the All Star Game is just a popularity contest. No one felt that the rules were acceptable as they made no difference to anyone but the players and no one had a mental breakdown, muttering, “No. They’re stupid. The entire system is stupid. I hate the All Star Game. And I hate you for even bringing it up now.” Honestly, we assumed that you’d all vote for this option simply because it gave you the opportunity to tell us that you hated us. We’re a bit pleased that you didn’t choose it. Score 1 for the TBB.

The world of baseball has seen its fair share of ouchies this week. Baby Jesus aka Joe Mauer (see Wrigley Field post for more information on the strange religious reference) could potentially be out week to week rather than day to day with a bruised left heel, which he hurt last Friday night when he awkwardly stepped on first base as he lunged to beat out an infield single. This morning’s report claims that the heel is doing better, even allowing him to take batting practice prior to Thursday’s game against the Orioles, but he’s still out of the lineup. Sadness.

Javier Vazquez will skip his next scheduled start, which would’ve been against the Red Sox tonight, but not for any physical ailment. Joe Girardi wants to let Vazquez “catch his breath” somewhere other than Fenway Park we take it. He’ll be held back until Monday when he’ll face the Tigers in Detroit. Phil Hughes will make the start against Josh Beckett tonight instead, followed by CC Sabathia against Clay Buchholz on Saturday and AJ Burnett against Jon Lester on Sunday.

Back to actual physical problems. Jorge Posada left Monday night’s game against the Orioles with a mild calf strain and is listed as day to day. Girardi thinks that he could potentially return for this evening.

After receiving an MRI for general shoulder tightness, Mike Pelfrey was cleared to pitch tonight against the Giants, which is his regularly scheduled start. He’ll face Jonathan Sanchez. Lisa’s looking forward to it. If his shoulder is fine, what was the reason behind his asinine performance in Philly? Hmm? Tell us, Michael. Furthermore, you have an old man face and there’s no way you’re younger than us. Liar, liar, your pants are on fire. The remainder of this weekend’s pitching matchup in Flushing is set to be Wellemeyer against Santana on Saturday and Lincecum against Perez on Sunday.

Yankees GM, Brian Cashman does not think that Andy Pettitte will make his next scheduled start due to a mild inflammation in his left elbow. Pettitte had left Wednesday’s game after the 5th in the Yankees’ 7-5 win over the Orioles, lasting just long enough to earn another win, making his record 4-0 on the season. Not, Andy! Come back to us safely, Andy!

In mental/emotional instability news, Milton Bradley (let’s be honest. Is anyone shocked that this is the player we named here? Probably not) was placed on the restricted list on Thursday, 1 day after he requested help from his team in dealing with “emotional stress” from personal issues. We’ll refrain from making a sarcastic remark here. The Mariners have recalled outfielder Michael Saunders from Triple-A Tacoma to fill Bradley’s roster spot. While on the restricted list, Bradley cannot be in uniform or with the team. He’s expected to miss at least 5 days and manager Don Wakamatsu says that he will not be joining the team on their 8-game road trip that kicks off in Baltimore on Tuesday. Zucker Hillside Hospital is here for you, Milton, with open arms. The environment is very peaceful there, we hear.

Tomorrow, it will be exactly one week before the TBB takes off for California to see Erin, the Angels, the Dodgers, the Padres, and Shamu and go to Disneyland with The Favorite. Ask us what the TBB has done so far to prepare for this adventure. Have we worked out in order to be fit for bathing suit weather? Certainly not. In fact, we’re pretty sure that we’ve done less work, eaten more food, and imbibed more alcohol than during the entire Christmas season. Have we set aside clothes? No. We’re going naked, much to the chagrin of all who will be coming into contact with us during that week. Have we started a base tan? Nope. Again, pretty confident that we’re whiter than we’d been in December. In fact, we’d go so far as to say that we’re so white, we’re grey. Have we cashed in change jar yet? Nope, but at least we’re still collecting change so that’s a plus. Have we waxed our upper lip yet? No. We’re having a fiesta tonight and needed to grow our own moustaches. Needless to say we’re ill prepared. We apologize for referring to ourselves as the Traveling Baseball Babes because there’s definitely no babe here. False advertisement at its best.

This week’s baseball note: Speaking of being undefeated, Serena’s Barry Zito is on FIRE! His record stands at 5-0 after taking the Giants into the 8th in their 3-2 victory over the Marlins on Wednesday. He allowed 7 hits, giving up 1 run and 1 walk, and striking out 4. He has yet to give up a hit on that gorgeous curve ball of his. Since he’s made a complete turnaround from his past few dismal seasons and appears to have returned to his old self, we’re making him our TBB Super Hero of the Week, which we’re confident makes him feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Especially after reading about our moustaches. Sexy.

Robert Palmer spoke accurately of this week when he proclaimed, “Doctor, Doctor, give me the news. I’ve got a bad strain and I’m lovin’ the DL.”