Old Time Rock N’ Roll

Following the release of the Forbes’ Most Disliked Athletes, we asked you why you hated Kris Humphries. 12 of you actually responded. Wow. Apparently we found something you’re passionate about. A man with no personality. Exciting stuff. 5 of you said that you were jealous of the fact that he penetrated Kim Kardashian. Not surprising that this choice was the winner. In second place with 4 votes is “I don’t hate him. I actually have no idea who the hell he is.” 3 of you voted for “It’s his hair. Something about it. Makes me feel like he’s not to be trusted.” No one voted for the fact that he spells his name wrong. If we voted on our own polls, that would’ve gotten at least 1 vote because his spelling of the name “Chris” drives Serena crazy. How stupid could his parents possibly be? Everyone knows Chris is spelled with a “Ch,” not a “K.” It’s just like that a-hole Andruw Jones. It’s An-DREW, d*ckhead!

By now, we’ve all heard the news that Hall of Fame catcher Gary Carter died following a battle with brain cancer that lasted approximately 9 months. Lisa returned home from work on Thursday to find Papa L heartbroken over the news. Gary Carter had always been one of the good ones. Hard working, played with fire, never heard anything scandalous about him, rallied his teammates, was about the team, not himself or his stats. In professional sports these days, a good man like Carter is hard to find and it seems as though the good ones can’t catch a break while the bad apples are given everything on a silver plate. Imagine what classy players like Don Mattingly and Ken Griffey Jr. could have done with their careers had they not had the misfortune of being plagued with injuries. Johan Santana and Justin Morneau are both coming off of severe injuries confident that they’ll return healthy for the 2012 season, but there’s no telling what the Mets and Twins are actually going to get out of these players no matter how hard they work to get back to their original form.

On the flip side, players like Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Manny Ramirez, Carlos Beltran, and Jose Reyes were given a gift and instead of appreciating it and playing the game the way it should’ve been, they disrespected the it. Sprinkled among this gambit of jerk offs are steroid scandals, wagging tongues, lies, disrespect of management, selfishness, and flat out laziness. The most recent example of this is Jose Reyes. His departure for Miami clearly displayed that money was more important to him than being a part of a team (like Derek Jeter, Mariano Rivera, Tim Wakefield, Ken Griffey Jr., Tim Lincecum, Joe Mauer). Reyes spent years with the Mets following the signing of his big contract acting insubordinate to his management (Willie Randolph) and putting for zero effort on the field. In the final year of his contract, in an attempt to make a “good impression” on potential employers, he stepped up his game and began to play like the Reyes of old. One good season is not enough. You should be playing with heart every day. You’re paid to play, not look pretty. If that’s what you wanted out of a career, you should’ve called Tyra Banks for a position on America’s Next Top Model (ahem, we’re talking to you, Carlos Beltran).

Having an utter disregard for how the game was meant to be played is the most frustrating thing to watch as a fan. You pay good money to watch these players and it’s disappointing to feel like you care more about the outcome than they do. Not running out ground balls, not taking the extra two steps to catch a ball on the fly, swinging at bad pitches (or just watching it pass by), and not taking the extra base when it’s available to you is unacceptable. You learn these basic skills in little league. Now that you get paid to do these little things, what exactly is your problem? What the hell happened to you? You cared at one point. The aftermath of the dropped Luis Castillo pop up during the Subway Series at Yankees Stadium in 2009 blew our minds. Not because Castillo dropped the ball (that was bad enough), but because Mark Teixeira scored from first on the play. People carried on about what heads up base running that was and that’s absolutely true. It was heads up base running, but on the same token, it was two outs. He should’ve been running hard period. That’s something you learn in week 2 of playing little league. So, yeah, he should get a pat on the back for doing it, but he was also doing his job properly. Why are we making such a big deal about it? He was SUPPOSED to do that. Once upon a time, the Andruw Joneses and Alphonso Sorianos of the game used to run hard like that. Being paid big money isn’t an acceptable excuse. In fact, neither is age because despite big money and getting older, you still see Derek Jeter, TOWSNBN, and Jayson Werth running everything out. They might have lost a step or two as they’ve gotten older, but that doesn’t prevent them from playing up to the best of their ability. That’s what matters. Brian McCann is slow as sh*t, but that doesn’t stop him from running the bases as hard as he possibly can. Check out this video clip of his first big league triple. You can pretty much stop watching after 1:24 because the rest of the clip is Jeff Francoeur scoring McCann on a sac fly. Note how Chipper Jones nearly pisses himself from laughing at McCann’s base running. He may look ridiculous, but he’s hustling! As he should be.

The cult following behind Jason Varitek is flabbergasting. Do these people realize that he’s a lazy catcher? Most of his pass balls are not a result of the pitcher’s inaccuracy, but because he was too lazy to move his fat a$$ into a better fielding position. When you’re learning how to field, you’re taught that whenever possible, get your body in front of the ball. On the field, the catcher probably has the easiest time of this than any of his/her teammates. Why? Because the ball is being thrown directly to him. Instead of sticking your glove out to catch a ball to the right or left of you, shuffle your damn feet, and move your butt to get in front of the ball. How friggin’ hard is that? You see college kids doing it all the time. Hell, you see Joe Mauer doing it all the time and he’s got to be the biggest damn catcher we’ve ever seen. He’s got grasshopper legs. From that position, if the ball bounces off of you, it’ll at least stay in front of you, keeping the runners from advancing as opposed to the ball ricocheting off your glove and rolling off to god knows where. We think these lollygagging players need a little bit of this to get them back on track.

Being mouthy is second only to laziness. We’ll accept your douchey personality if you play the game the way it was meant to be (Chipper Jones). Pedro Martinez, Manny Ramirez, Carl Pavano, Jimmy Rollins, Josh Beckett, Dallas Braden and Andruw Jones are all talented athletes. They were all given gifts that normal, everyday people will never come close to. Instead of being humble, they became legends in their own minds. Dallas Braden, for example, apparently pays the mortgage on the mound at McAfee Coliseum. No one’s allowed to run across it. Not even Alex Rodriguez, who unlike Braden, has definitely clocked in many hours working with the MLB. What’s worse about Braden is that he plays for the A’s. This man isn’t even a douchebag playing in Boston, Philly, or New York where douchebags grow on trees. Pedro Martinez threw an old man (Don Zimmerman) on the ground and not only did he not apologize for this type of behavior, he apparently saw nothing wrong with it. Jimmy Rollins needs to stop for two seconds and shut the f*ck up. Just play the stupid game. Quit your damn yammering. You sound like an a-hole. Carl Pavano’s got a lot wrong with him. The Marlins’ World Series championship against the Yankees in 2003 proved that the boy could not only pitch, but pitch well in high pressure situations. What followed his departure from the Marlins is truly astounding. The man got into car accident and didn’t tell anyone in the Yankees organization of his injuries. He just decided he’d pitch through them. Way to take the team’s well-being into consideration on that one, pal. Good job.

After a lot of bitching on our part, we present you with this week’s baseball notes: All Star outfielder and 3-time Gold Glove winner Mike Cameron has announced his retirement after 17 years of playing. Cameron had agreed to terms with the Nationals just two months prior. Over the span of his career, he played with 8 teams including the White Sox, Mariners, Marlins, Mets, Padres, and Brewers.

45-year old knuckle-baller Tim Wakefield also announced his retirement after 19 years with the league, 17 of them playing for the Red Sox. That’s amazing. Players just don’t stay with teams for that long anymore.

In asstastic news, Jayson Werth still looks like a hairy a-hole, but at the very least, he’s trimmed the beast that’s residing on his face. Maybe the TBB’s are finally rubbing off on him.

Bob Seger rounds out the day with, “Just give us the old time baseball players. The kind of men that played with soul. We reminisce about the days of old with those old time baseball players.”

“I’m Not Superstitious, But I Am A Little Stitious”

Last week, we argued our case for why we should be arbitrators. Then we asked if you’d want us on your arbitration panel. 6 of you voted, “yes. You wear suits. And that’s awesome.” It sure is awesome. 1 person apparently didn’t like what we had to say about players being overpaid jack-a-loons and chose, “Oh, HELL no. Taco Bell? Are serious? You’re going to pay me in chalupas? F that!” We’ll have you know that we’ll take Taco Bell any day of the week. Stop being so spoiled.

It’s been a crazy week in New York, celebrating the Giants advancing to the Superbowl for the second time in just a few short years (yes, we know that this is par for the course for the folks up in New England, but give us a break). There’s been a lot of talk of not washing one’s jersey until the Giants lose. As if washing our jersey will somehow wash the magic of victory from our favorite teams.  It got us thinking. What other superstitious habits do fans and athletes (professional and unprofessional) have? Superstitious habits that we truly believe will make some sort of difference in the game’s outcome (or our personal performance). As fans, when we fail to perform these habits, we’re devastated when our team loses because we are the primary reason our team performed so poorly. As athletes, we missed that line drive or struck out because we failed to perform these habits. Some of us may be fully aware that these traditions are completely silly, but we’re not willing to take the chance and NOT partake in them. Others…well…others just have a special way of thinking that’s all.

Let’s cover the fans first, shall we? We’ll pick on ourselves first so that everyone else we pick on doesn’t feel bad about themselves. On the subject of the New York Giants, we legitimately think that our actions AND wardrobe before AND during the game make a difference in regards to how the Giants play. That is why Osi Umenyiora has been the TBB Super Hero of the Week for over a month. We can’t risk changing the Super Hero and having the Giants lose. Let’s start with our pre-game rituals. Lisa comes over to Serena’s house early in the morning. Serena then works us out until total, absolute fatigue. Serena takes a photo of Lisa half-passed out in pain on the floor and posts it to Facebook like a true friend. We take turns showering (as in not together). We get dressed. Both of us wear long-sleeved white shirts and Serena’s unwashed Giants jerseys (to stress this fact: we wear TWO different jerseys. We are not squeezing into the same jersey like a two-headed monster from Sesame Street). Lisa also wears her Mets fleece zip-up. Serena wears knee socks and a necklace with an elephant charm on it. Lisa goes to Brian’s Deli around the corner and buys us egg sandwiches (3 eggs, bacon, cheese, black pepper, ketchup, to which we add hot sauce pilfered from Croxley’s Ale House). Lisa has an in-depth conversation with the clerk at Brian’s Deli about superstitions. The deli clerk has a giant Santa wearing a Giants uniform on his front lawn that has remained lit since the Giants/Jets game. His block must be thrilled with the fact that it’s almost February and he still has a giant light-up Santa on his front lawn. Serena makes us coffee. We eat. After breakfast, we blog. At game time, Lisa wraps her head with Serena’s fleece blanket (aka: her burkah), Serena climbs under her Egyptian cotton comforter, and we drink beer. We do not leave our positions for anything until a commercial break. Even if the temperature of the room becomes stifling, Lisa is not to take off her burkah and Serena is not to remove the comforter…or her pants. While this bizarre behavior may be strictly applied to the New York Giants, we tend to exhibit similar habits during the baseball season. If the Yankees or Mets are on a winning streak, we don’t wash our jerseys. If the team has lost a game while we’ve been in attendance wearing a specific hat, we never wear that hat again during the season (don’t worry, we have plenty of Mets and Yankees hats to make up for one being removed from the rotation).

Next up is Noah (and we should forewarn you that 98.8% of our poll panel is from the same bar that we steal the hot sauce from. We also never got out of our seats to conduct this poll because we’re lazy, so the people mentioned here are pretty much individuals within our vicinity, customers who made the mistake of getting a drink at the bar near us, or employees of aforementioned bar). Noah wears the same jersey and drinks the same beer at the same bar during each game. Noah’s friend, Brendan, drinks an unsweetened iced tea from Dunkin Donuts and he doesn’t wash his jersey. If his team loses, he is overcome by a feeling of failure. That’s his words, not ours. This is the one time where we did not put words into someone else’s mouth. The boys also talked about their friend, Sage, who was not in attendance. Before walking into a Yankees game, Sage always orders 3 Ozzy dogs (we’re not even sure what kind of hot dog that is) from the same street vendor.

Joe explained that during a game, he wears only regular clothes. He does not like to represent the team.

Bill has an old throwback Lawrence Taylor jersey that he only wears on special occasions. It’s only washed after a loss. He’s currently 7-1 with this jersey. Even though the white fabric of the jersey is sporting a stain, he will not wash it until the Giants lose. He will definitely be wearing it for Superbowl. A minor ritual he has before every game is that he posts the same Facebook status prior to the game. That status is, “Gameday.”

Now for the athletes. We don’t care who you are. If you play or once played sports, you have participated in superstitious behavior whether you realized it or not. For example, Serena played college softball with a girl who when she was on the mound, had to start each approach to the mound with the following system: stand at the rear of the circle, take 3 steps toward the rubber starting with her right foot (the third step lightly kicking the rubber with the toe of her right foot before planting). If any part of this procedure went awry, she had to start over again or else the mechanics of her next pitch would be off. Another pitcher on Serena’s team had to face the outfield between each pitch and scan the field to make sure every player was in position before approaching the mound. These are all superstitions. That committing the same act over and over again will in some way, effect what’s going to happen next.

Our paneled athletes came from the same pool (with a few exceptions) as our sports fans panel (remember, we’re lazy). Chris the Bar Back (and hot wing arbitrator) and a fellow patron (also named Chris) both have an at bat ritual. While standing at the plate, the boys use their bat to make a cross (you know…tap north, tap south, tap east, tap west) across homeplate. Chris the Bar Back also had other traditions: it’s bad luck not to wear his #23 wristband during a baseball game and prior to football games, he performed the same stretching routine.

The Great Awesome Super Fantastic Adam The Bartender (yeah, he had absolutely no involvement in how he was portrayed in this blog post) spits in his glove every time he gets into his position at short stop.

Herve played soccer, volleyball, and baseball. Regardless of which sport he was playing, he had to have a vanilla shake before every game. He also wore a lucky wristband.

Serena wore her hair in pigtail braids until a batting streak came to an end. Prior to stepping into the batter’s box, she waited until the catcher was in position. When getting into her position at third at the start of each inning, she smoothed the dirt just ahead of her with her right foot.

Lisa had no pre-game rituals as a cheerleader. Or if she did, she can’t remember them.

You know you’ve seen the professionals do it as well. Ever notice the at bat ritual of Joe Mauer or Nomar Garciaparra. It’s so repetitive that it’s like a tic. It could drive a person crazy to watch these routines over and over and over and over again.  Mauer kicks the dirt around in the batter’s box, runs his hand up and down the handle of the bat, steps into the box and taps his helmet with his left hand. Nomar fiddled with his batting gloves before stepping into the batter’s box and performed some sort of twinkle toes routine combined with a bat swish. We tried to find a better video of it, but this was the best we could do. Ignore the fat man who abruptly steps into the camera’s view just before the second pitch. You can see the whole routine just before the third pitch. Craig Biggio never washed his helmet. It was gross. By the end of the season, it looked like it was dipped in the La Brea Tar Pit. We’re not going to even touch upon the whole Jason Giambi golden thong situation. In fact, we just threw up a little bit in our mouths.

Superstitions can spill onto the pitcher’s mound as well. Ever notice a pitcher who has a no-hitter or perfect game on the line is always sitting at one end of the dugout by himself? And despite the fact that a no-hitter and perfect game is one of the most exciting things to witness, no one ever talks about it while it’s happening? As fans, we don’t even like to talk about it, fearing that it may jinx the pitcher…unless, of course, you want him to fail. Then you chat that sh*t up every chance you can.

Feel free to email us or post a comment to this blog about your strange rituals. We look forward to hearing from you.

Now onto some semblance of normalcy: this week’s baseball notes! On Tuesday, Jorge Posada officially announced his retirement. You can view the video of his speech here. You’ll notice that his wife is extremely hot. Watch this video with caution. It’s a little emotional and we’re a touch embarrassed to admit that we teared up a bit. Serena remembers when Posada when he first came onto the scene. He was a great hitter and a sh*tty catcher who eventually usurped Joe Girardi (who worked with Posada on his fielding skills, mind you. It was very similar to when Anakin Skywalker betrayed his mentor Obi-Wan and struck him down. Yes, we just compared a real life situation to Star Wars. Don’t judge us) behind the plate. At first, Serena hated Jorge and missed Joe (a similar sentiment that Mamadukes felt when Don Mattingly retired and was replaced by Tino Martinez). Over the years, Posada’s ability behind the plate vastly improved and his big Dumbo ears gradually grew on Serena.  Now as we think about how we’ll never see Jorge Posada bat at Yankees Stadium ever again (except maybe at Old Timer’s Day), we can’t help but feel old. First Andy Pettitte. Now Jorge Posada. You know Mariano Rivera’s retirement is gonna come sooner rather than later. He’s like 500 years old. He’s the Yoda of closers (see how we did that? Brought it full circle back to Star Wars again). Then all we’ll be left with is Lisa’s favorite Yankee: Derek Jeter. It’s an end of an era. It’s the Circle of Life. And it moves us all.

The Yankees have officially acquired RHP’s Michael Pineda and Jose Campos in exchange for Jesus Montero and Hector Noesi. With Seattle, Pineda went 9-10 last season with an ERA of 3.74 and finished 5^th in the American League Rookie of the Year Award voting. He led all AL rookies in strikeouts (173) and strikeouts per 9 innings (9.11). The Yankees have also re-signed Andruw Jones to a 1-year contract worth reportedly $2 million with $1.4 million in performance incentives? Really? You need performance incentives? How about a f*cking cookie, you d*ck licker? How about if you don’t do your job well, my foot goes up your ass? F*cking a-hole. Go back to Atlanta. Oh, wait, now they’re too classy for you. What’s another d*ckhead team that you can be a part of? Hmm…the Red Sox. Go frolic around the outfield at Fenway and let them pay you performance incentives. PS- you spell your name wrong, you f*cking d*ck.

Tim Lincecum and the San Francisco Giants have agreed on a 2-year deal worth $40.5 million. It’s a little disappointing that they came to this agreement considering we were ready and able to arbitrate that situation. We tried on outfits and practiced speaking in legal jargon. Serena practiced not using the word, “f*ck.” Or any variation of that word, like f*cked, f*cking, f*cks, f*cker, f*ck-ass, mother f*cker, etc.

As the great Stevie Wonder once said, “Very superstitious behaviors at the bar. Very superstitious unwashed jerseys about to smell. Your 13-hour batting stance broke the no-hitter. The goat’s brought the Cubs 66 years of bad luck. The good things in your past. When you believe in things you don’t understand, then you suffer. Superstition ain’t the way.”

Coming Soon: Baseball 2011

So then, little TBB ducklings, do you feel educated about baseball game fashion? After presenting you with what we feel is a sound case against fashion criminals, we asked if you agreed with our assessment. 5 of you totally support us and are super glad that us lovely ladies (your words, not ours) took the time to explain the situation to you. In fact, those faux pas fans are hairy a-holes. Sadly, 1 individual is confused. Sir or Madam, please email us so that we can explain it in more detail to you…if that’s even possible.

It’s an exciting time for baseball fans! Spring training is nearly upon us! Pitchers and catchers begin reporting on February 14th…gag us with a chocolate heart. Full squad workouts start on the 19th and by 23rd, all players will have reported for duty. The Yankees’ staff and roster in particular will report on the 15th and 20th, while the Mets report on the 17th and 21st.

Andy Pettitte Watch 2011 still continues. Wow…we suppose that things really are more slow-paced than New York down in Texas. Will you make a friggin’ decision already? We love you, but we can’t take it anymore! It’s like a bad horror film starring Neve Campbell.

The big news in the MLB this week is that Trevor Hoffman has officially announced his retirement at the age of 43. He leaves the game as the all-time saves leader with 601 over the course of 18 seasons (552 of these saves coming with the Padres). Since Mariano Rivera has the mind of a 22-year old who may never retire, this opens the door for him to surpass Hoffman’s feat. Okay, Trevor. You can be TBB Super Hero of the Week if you want to. You’ve talked us into it.

Josh Hamilton was hospitalized on Monday after being diagnosed with an early case of pneumonia. He was treated at a local hospital and fortunately, should be able to resume conditioning and baseball-related activities within the next several days.

RHP Kris Benson told FOXsports.com that he’s “done” after playing 9 seasons. He felt that his history of elbow and shoulder injuries have prevented him from being at his best saying, “I’ve been putting way too much into it and not getting enough out of it, as far as rehab, working out, training, and then not getting the type of results I expect from myself.” Benson pitched for the Mets during the 2004-2005 seasons, at one time pitching 70 consecutive innings without surrendering a home run. In September 2004, Benson won the Mets Best Pitcher Award (which we’re pretty sure is a made up accomplishment) with an ERA 2.25. He left the Mets at the end of the 2005 season for Baltimore with a 4.32 ERA for the two seasons, including 242.1 innings pitched with 146 strikeouts and having given up 236 hits, 123 runs, and 32 home runs. Additionally, he was a beautiful man and will be missed.

Poetic justice seems to be prevailing here. Scott Boras’ biggest names are still unemployed: Andruw Jones, Manny Ramirez, and Johnny Damon. Of the three players named here, the only one who may be of some use in a DH role is Johnny Damon (and yes, it pains Serena to admit this). Since he’s a waste of sperm in the outfield, this basically only leaves the American League as an option for Damon and DH spots are few and far between these days. As for the other two, they’ve outlived their “use” several seasons ago. The Braves and Red Sox were right to ditch them when they did. Not that this should matter to these NTAC’s. They’ll still be able to retire rich.

Tune in next week for our in-depth analysis of the Wright Stache: Do naked lips really prevent championships? We go behind the scenes (since we’re clearly experts on facial hair as shown here).