Theme Party Etiquette

As you can see by the post title, we're going to veer off the path of baseball a little today, which we realize is a touch shameful considering how close we are to the postseason, but this is a topic that is near and dear to our hearts and we felt it vital that we discuss it in detail. If this is something that you simply cannot stomach, feel free to scroll to the bottom where we've listed our legit baseball notes. Or feel free to come back next week when we have an entire post dedicated to the sport that we claim to cover. First, our poll results. We asked if you think that Mike Tomlin looks like Omar Epps (he totally does). 2 of you are wrong and think that he looks nothing like Omar Epps and that we're smoking crack. Well...you're stupid. You're probably one of those people that show up to a theme party not dressed in costume.7 of you highly intelligent beings agreed with our assessment because it's clearly true.

Now onto today's discussion: Theme Party Etiquette. By now, it should be quite obvious that the TBB are obsessed with theme parties. We're basically professional theme party organizers. We're at the stage where we should just have our own business organizing theme parties for people who are inept. There is etiquette when it comes to both hosting AND attending theme parties. Since we are so close to the Halloween season, we thought that we should cover both of these topics today. Plus, we've been victims both of hosting theme parties that have gone awry and attending theme parties that have been less than stellar. These are just some of the things that we've noticed over the years and hope that posting it here will help to recitfy future theme parties across the globe.

Rules for Hosting a Theme Party:

• Exhibit common courtesy. Don't be an a-hole. As host, it is inappropriate to alienate your guests. You may find yourself surrounded by many unattractive individuals. Despite this misfortune, you should not take it upon yourself to make these people feel unwelcome. It's rude. As a host, you must display politeness to ALL of your guests, regardless of your feelings about them. It's one of the major cons of being host. For example, if someone comes up to you to start a friendly conversation, it is totally unacceptable to turn your back and walk away.
• Decorate your home appropriately. It's a theme party. How do you expect the party-goers to embrace your theme if the venue isn't decorated? If you're having a luau, don't just slap some cut outs of hibiscus flowers on the wall that you purchased from Party City and call it a day. Tiki torches (if outdoors), hula skirts, coconuts, leis, palm trees, tropical fish, beaches, etc. You get the point. Turn your abode into Hawaii. More importantly, it's vital that you, as host, actually KNOW and UNDERSTAND your publicized theme. For example, if you are hosting a Mexican Appreciation Fiesta, do not decorate your house with the flag of Spain. Yes, both countries speak Spanish, but we assure you, they are not the same country. Check a map. The last thing you want to do is confuse your guests. Exhibit 1: Border Patrol decorations for a Mexican Fiesta:

• Dress for the occasion. How can you expect your guests to show up to your Halloween party in costume if you can't do the same? And no, wearing an Eli Manning jersey and a pair of jeans does not count as being dressed as Eli Manning. This would only be an acceptable costume if you not only wore an Eli Manning jersey, but football pads, white pants, socks, cleats, and adopted Eli's glazed over donkey facial expression. Bonus points for walking around in a "Toyota."When dressed as Tim Tebow, adopt scripture printed on your eye black.
• Not only should you dress for the occasion, but like your decorations, your costume should match the theme (see bullet point #2). For example, do not tell people that you are throwing a Star Wars party and dress up as Captain Kirk. Do you see how that might be confusing to people? Yes, both movies take place in outer space, however they are not the same movie. We have never seen a movie where Captain Kirk boarded the Millennium Falcon and if you have seen such a flick, it was probably a low-budget porn filmed in Japan and it does not count. If you want to have a party in which you get to wear a Captain Kirk costume and your roommate gets to dress as Chewbacca, then consider throwing a "Space Party" as opposed to "Star Wars."
• It would be nice if you offered themed activities for your attendees. Why not offer bobbing for apples at your Halloween party? Exhibit 2: Kissing the Blarney Stone at an Irish-themed party:



• Whether you like it or not, some of your guests will become too intoxicated to drive home and will have shown up without some sort of backup plan. As host, it is your responsibility to make sure these individuals do not get behind the wheel of a car, whether that means calling them a taxi cab or allowing them to crash on the sofa until they sober up.
• Be prepared for potential theft. Lock up your valuables. The odds are that you won't know or trust all of your guests. Also, your $30 inflatable cactus may walk out the door with a creepy drunk dude. You won't like it, but it might happen. Just sayin'. Be prepared. Know before you go. Knowing is half the battle.
• If you notice one or more of your guests have abruptly disappeared, perform the necessary follow up. One or more of the following could have taken place: abduction, rape, murder, roofies, suicide, accidentally locked themselves in the bathroom, or overall unhappiness. All of these should be of some concern to you. Following up will allow you to investigate the safety of your guests as well as provide you with an opportunity to receive some feedback. How was the party? Decorations? Fellow guests? What did you like? What didn't you like? What can I do better? Feedback will help your next theme party to be even more epic than your first.

Rules for Attending a Theme Party:

• Always, always dress up. When you attend a so-called theme party in regular clothes, you become the party's token douchebag. Don't be the party's token douchebag. Let someone else claim that title. You can join the rest of the crowd in making fun of that person for being a lame asshat. It does not matter if you think that the theme of the party is lame. It's not your party. You're a guest. Your job is not to throw the party, it's to attend and fully embrace the theme that's been imposed on you. If you don't like it, don't go. Exhibit 3: Dressing for a Rock of Ages party:

• So you've decided to dress up. That's good. Now do it right. Don't half-ass it. If someone is hosting a cross-dressing party, don't, as a female, show up just wearing leggings, a Mark Sanchez jersey, and eye-black and call yourself a dude. No, you're not a dude. You're just a female Jets fan with bad taste, which has absolutely nothing to do with the theme! If you go with football, seriously dress as a football player! Side note: if you ever find yourself in a situation where you feel like a giant loser because you've shown up to a "theme party" overdressed, steathily make your exit and head to the closest diner for beers and fatty foods. Feel free to discuss your negative experience and boast about how great your costume is/how awesome YOUR theme parties are.
• Always show up to the party with something to contribute whether it's a bag of ice, chips and salsa, beer, or liquor. Showing up empty handed makes you look like a cheap, selfish leech. Also, if you bring a bottle of vodka and it hasn't been emptied by your fellow partiers, don't take the bottle back when you leave. It's just tacky. If you're that married to your vodka that you can't stand the thought of leaving it behind, either don't bring it with you and bring something else OR bring a case of beer for the rest of the party and carry your expensive vodka in a flask for yourself.
• Mingle. Talk to people you may not know. Be friendly to those that approach you with conversation. Allow strangers to join beer pong/flip cup with you. Let Rudolph join in all the reindeer games. Unless of course you find yourself in a situation where you're completely surrounded by unfunny, judgemental, narrowminded, and stuckup a-holes. In that case, you should feel to punch them in their vaginas/penises with reckless abandon. Or simply walk out. The choice is yours.
• If you've gotten so bombed that you cannot drive yourself home and your host is gracious enough to allow you to stay, do not raid their cabinets and fridge after everyone has gone to bed. It's just rude. Imagine how disappointing it would be to you if you woke up the next day looking forward to eating your leftover taquitos only to discover that your a-hole houseguest ate them all!

In conclusion, once again, we are awesome. Contrary to what some people may think. Not mentioning any names.

Now onto this week's baseball notes. Both the Reds and Giants have clinched Division titles while the Nationals have clinched a playoff berth for the first time since the franchise's inception. Go Nats! On the subject of the Nationals, Gio Gonzalez notched his 20th victory against the Brewers yesterday. Gonzalez lasted 7 innings and allowed only 2 unearned runs on 3 hits. Gonzalez is MLB's first 20-game winner this season. For that, we've given Gio TBB Super Hero of the Week honors.

Both RA Dickey and Jered Weaver notched their 19th wins this weekend. Both men have a shot at 20 with Dickey's next start coming on Thursday and Weaver's coming on Saturday.

Andy Pettitte made his first start since coming off the DL on Wednesday. Pettitte threw 5 scoreless innings with a total of 75 pitches in the Yankees' victory over the Blue Jays, helping to retain the Yankees' control over the red-hot Orioles in the American League East. We're so confident in the outcome of the regular season that we've already purchased tickets to game 2 of the Division Series at Yankees Stadium. Hopefully, we didn't just jinx the Yankees.

Italian Sausage

Last week, Serena was solo (hence, the word “vagina” being used twice without any sort of quality control). MLB had begun its campaign for the All Star Game already, so Serena asked how you guys voted. 5 people said that they sit with the ballot and carefully think about each option before selecting the player they deem most appropriate. 2 individuals said that the use The Force. No one said that they pick the most popular players (in fact, they don’t know why that they’re not allowed to still vote for Ken Griffrey Jr.) and no one didn’t understand question and wouldn’t respond.
  

You might be wondering about what today’s blog theme is about. Italian sausage? Really? Are they talking about food AGAIN. Well…sort of. While watching last night’s Yankees game against the Royals, Alex Rodriguez stepped up to the plate. Here’s how our conversation went:

Lisa: Wow, he’s got some big thighs.

Serena (smacking her own chunk-tastic thighs): The curse of third base.

(Rodriguez adjusts his man-junk area)
Lisa: And apparently so is his junk.
Serena: Ya know, he looks like he’s huge.
Lisa: Yeah. He looks like he’s hung.

This got us thinking…who ELSE looks like he’s packing heat? In defense of this topic, they do have lists of baseball’shottest girlfriends/wives. Why can we cover…sausages? Disclaimer: we should note that we’ve never seen ANY of these private male parts that we’re discussing. This is strictly opinion.

For example, we’re pretty sure that Albert Pujols has a baby’s arm in his pants. In fact, to quote Lisa, “he probably has to roll it up in order to tuck it into his cup.” Wish we took video of this demonstration. At one point, she flung “it” over her shoulder and wrapped it around her leg. We’d go so far as to assume that Pujols is the biggest in the league. Hall of Fame worthy. We’re also confident that Brian Wilson is hung, BUT he has his beard in his pants, which is a serious problem. It’s like a thick, wooded area without civilization that will take you at least 45 minutes to find your way out of. Truly terrifying. The only way it could get scarier is if it was red. Other men that we’ve decided are well-endowed are Joe Mauer, Ryan Howard, CC Sabathia (he looks like a f*cking grizzly bear), Mike Jacobs (even though he’s no longer playing), Brian McCann, Tim Hudson, Matt Holliday, and unfortunately, Carlos Beltran. This might be the only thing that Beltran has going for him because his personality sucks and so does mole. Oh, yes, AND his taste in music.

We briefly discussed one of New York’s Golden Boys (TOWSNBN).
Lisa: I don’t think he’s long, but…
Serena: I think he’s stocky…
Lisa: YES!
Serena: Like his body…
Lisa: EXACTLY!
To clarify, stocky=girthy.

Now for the boys we think have more of a string bean in their pants than a sausage. We’re thinking that New York’s OTHER Golden Boy, Derek Jeter, has a long, but thin noodle…just based on his body. A long, lean noodle. Unfortunately, we think that our honorary TBB, Tim Lincecum, might be small as well. He just looks like he physically couldn’t handle carrying around a Louisville Slugger in his pants. He’d topple over and royally f*ck up his delivery to the plate. Other players that we think are small are Matt Cain, Cole Hamels (and this truly does pain Lisa to think this), Josh Beckett, Dustin Pedroia, Ichiro Suzuki (he’s probably built like Mr. Chow), Jeff Franceour (we’re sad to admit this), and Jose Reyes. Lisa would like to issue a challenge to Hamels to prove to her that he doesn’t have a small Twinkie.

There were a few that we couldn’t decide on. Jayson Werth, for one. He could easily go either way, but he may smell…down there. Like a men’s lockerroom. Justin Verlander is hard to tell also, but we think he probably smells nicer…down there. NOT like a men’s lockeroom. David Ortiz seems like he’s either enormous or really small. Other unknowns: Joey Votto, Josh Hamilton, and Barry Zito. Barry Zito’s a big boy, but he’s rocked a comb-over. A comb-over may indicate a small taquito. That’s just two girls’ opinions.

Huston Street belongs in the average sausage category, but he knows how to work it. We once sat in the left field bleachers at the old Yankees Stadium and watched his warm up. Trust us when we say that “the hips do not lie.” That man can do things with his body that no man can do. There are women (us included—and Serena practices yoga) who cannot do what Huston Street can do.

In non-sausage related news, the TBB have decided to run in the Runyon 5K at Yankees Stadium in August. We get to run the warning track. How bad a$$ is that? We probably would’ve done ANY 5K being held at a baseball stadium within driving distance, but it’s a bonus that it’s taking place at one of the New York stadiums. Here’s a brief background on our running capabilities: Serena ran her first 5K last week at the Bronx Zoo. While running 3.1 miles isn’t something that Serena isn’t physically capable of completing relatively easily, she has the attention span of a toddler. In fact, at the Bronx Zoo, the only reason why Serena finished without running off to look at the monkeys is that she ran the entire thing with her cousin, Sara, a cross-country runner. Now we’re going to be running through a stadium, a course that includes being on the field. We’re probably going to lose Serena to the Yankees dugout or bullpen…or closest hot dog stand. Lisa has never run in any sort of race whatsoever. She HAS chased after the ice cream truck and from a creepy dog walker at Shea Stadium though. Once in awhile she runs on the treadmill at the gym, but she certainly can’t claim to enjoy it. It’s a long, tedious mile. What is exciting for Lisa is the prospect that there may be a lot of fit guidos present at this event (seeing as how most guidos in New York are Yankees fans). Perhaps these guidos can run in front of us and Lisa can run after them. One of them can carry a hot dog and a beer and that will be motivation for Serena. Stay tuned for the blog post following that event.

The big baseball note effecting New York this week is the crap with Mariano Rivera. While shagging balls in the outfield during batting practice (not even an actual game), Rivera twisted his knee. Ouch. An injury like that to a player as old as Rivera immediately makes people think that this is it. He’s not coming back. His career is over on a bull sh*t injury. Not so fast. Rivera insists that he’s coming back for 2013, “not going out like this.”

Jered Weaver, another f*ck a$$ who spells his name wrong (and this is more offensive than Andruw since Brother’s name is JARED), pitched himself a no-hitter against the offensively ineffectual Twins this week. While it’s nice to have a no hitter under your belt, what’s it like to accomplish something like this against a team with the major league-worst record (7-18)? We actually had to double-take that statistic there. 7-18??? SEVEN? They’ve only won seven stupid games??? That’s friggin’ AWFUL. Their terrible record actually outshines Weaver’s accomplishment. His no hitter is a backhanded compliment. We’re not even sure it should count. That’s like pitching no-hit ball to the Bad News Bears.

Closing things out with Adele today: “Oh, rumor has it. Oh, rumor has it. The rumor has it that Pujols is rolling up his sausage from the floor.”