Serena is Epic. End of Story.

Last week, we were dying to know what you thought tigers dreamed of when they took a little tiger snooze. 4 of you believe that they dreamed of Halle Berry in a Catwoman suit while 2 of you thought they dreamed of mauling zebras. Right on.

So this weekend, the TBB Wolfpack will be joined by one (Jess) in a magnificent celebration of the birth of Fred K’s Cancer, Inc’s Presidente. For those who are ignorant, we are talking about Serena. We’ll be heading into the city tomorrow afternoon to check in at the famous Waldorf Astoria (where David Wright will not meet us yet again), partake in some delicious dessert at Serendipity 3 (where we once had a date with Alex Rodriguez…he might make an appearance for dinner), before eating dinner at Ninja NYC. After hours, however, is when the party starts. We will get sexified back at the hotel (which will require lots and lots of makeup and hair product and probably some squeezing and tucking) and head out to undisclosed locations to drink our faces off and dance our big booties off.

In a disturbing turn of events, no one has entered our contest to win going to Mets Opening Day with Lisa. Do not fear, there is still time to enter as the deadline is April 1st. However, why hasn’t anyone entered yet? Is it Lisa or the fact that it’s METS Opening Day? For the sake of the children and Lisa’s self esteem, we’re going to assume that it’s the fact that it’s the Mets. Email to enter.

We teased with you with a secret last week and we’re now finally able to tell you what the actual secret is. Serena will be leaving our current employer for a job at Autism Speaks by the end of March. This means several things. 1. Lisa will now have to eat lunch by herself, 2. blogging will be relocating from Friday to Sunday starting in April, 3. Mobile blogging will cease to exist as we will now be blogging from Serena’s living room while eating chips and watching The Goonies (with an occasional excursion to Crumbs Bakery), and 4. Ben Affleck will no longer be a problem for us. Do not fret, TBB fans, change is good.

Now for the baseball notes:
Zack Greinke will begin the season on the 15-day DL with a hairline fracture…something he earned during a pick-up basketball game.

Justin Morneau was welcomed back to the field with open arms by his teammates and his fans while Serena welcomed him back to bed with other open limbs (this is coming 8 months after the concussion that ended his 2010 season). According to MLB.com, Morneau is quoted as saying he “had butterflies.” He’s looking forward to seeing Serena again in May, because “every time I lay my eyes on her, it’s like love at first sight.” Since he actually reported to work for the first time in 8 months (honestly, we don’t blame him since we never want to go to work), Serena’s future husband is our Super Hero of the Week.

Happy Early St. Patty’s Day…celebrate accordingly. It IS a religious holiday. Always designate a driver and wear green. Lisa accommodates these traditions and she isn’t even Irish. So do it. Boom. Encouragement.

He’s Going the Distance

With the close of the trade deadline, we asked you what type of moves you’d make to improve your team if you were a team executive. Of 7 votes, there was a 3-way tie. No one voted for Brad Ziegler. Apparently people are prejudiced against redheads, which we suppose is the origin of the phrase, “red-headed stepchild.”Only 1 individual voted for gourmet hot dogs. Clearly, this person received an education from MIT because he/she is brilliant. 2 people actually took this poll seriously and voted for offense, 2 like dinosaurs (apparently, Serena’s love for Jurassic Park is starting to rub off on the public) and 2 want the Dodgers, Cubs, and Yankees to research the potential for a mascot. Bunch of furries, you are.

For any of you interested in an update regarding our future with AJ Burnett, you’ll notice that he pitched like a real NTAC against the Blue Jays earlier this week. Clearly, he’s still working on that whole “consistency” problem he has, which means he’s going to continue living alone in his new 1-bedroom apartment in Flushing. It’s within walking distance of Citi Field ironically enough.

To thank us for our Fred K’s Cancer fundraising efforts, the Sean Kimerling Testicular Cancer Foundation invited us to their 7th Annual Celebrity Golf Tournament & Dinner at the Muttontown Country Club on Monday. We’re so excited! We’re actually going to dress like girls for once and hope to rub elbows with Ron Darling. We’ll be posting pictures of the event to the Fred K’s Cancer site sometime next week and to Facebook. Unless we look fugly. Then we’re deleting them and never speaking of them again.

We’re positive that you’ve heard about Alex Rodriguez’s 600th home run by now. If not, that’s extremely impressive. Do you live in a padded cell without access to media? Is Elvis there? Do you speak to Kurt Cobain? Do you see spots? The home run was hit 3 years to the day he hit his 500th home run, which is a bit weird and cosmic, if you ask us. He became the 7th player and youngest to accomplish this feat, launching it off of Toronto’s Shaun Marcum in the first inning on Wednesday.

This may sound selfish, but we were kind of hoping that he’d continue to be productive, but hold off on hitting the home run until we got there on 8/31. We figured that he could celebrate with us by taking us to Serendipity 3 for desserts. We’d have a contest to see who could finish more of their Forbidden Broadway Sundae and we’d laugh about how a man AROD’s size couldn’t compete with our appetites. Then we’d lightly wipe the little spot of fudge from his chin with a napkin. Oh, that AROD. He tells the funniest jokes. Imagine the pictures we could’ve taken. Oh, well.

We’ve already heard the “asterisk” jokes because he admitted to using steroids during his stint with the Rangers, but we haven’t seen any asterisks next to Bonds’ record yet, so maybe all of you Debbie Downers should shut your filthy mouths already. AROD, in the highly intelligent words of one Atlanta Housewife, “let your haters be your motivators.” You’re a TBB Super Hero of the Week in our book.

Baseball Note (yes, the singular): An MRI on Thursday confirmed that Kevin Youkilis has a torn muscle in his right thumb. He’ll undergo season-ending surgery today. What’s that, Red Sox? Another one bites the dust (and another gone and another one gone. Another one bites the dust)?

COMING NEXT WEEK: Have you forgotten? Next Saturday is Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day! Stay tuned for awe-inspiring photos brought to you by Serena and Clip Art. Due to the economy and the fact that our company was moving in another direction, we had to part ways with Tech Support, therefore Serena has taken over the blog’s photography duties. We have no doubt that you’ll enjoy them.

“Tim Lincecum’s Day is back and we’re gonna get excited! Hey now! Hey now! Tim Lincecum’s Day is back!”